How to help pwBPD get cured

[startrekuser]

My wife is uBPD and when she dysregulates, she makes things up that I supposedly did to her.  These accusations don't come out of thin air, but are distortions of reality.  Arguing with her about facts is completely useless.  Her feelings ARE the facts to her, which is typical of a pwBPD.

Anyway, I don't think I can sustain my marriage if she remains the way she is.  She has the typical black/white thinking of a pwBPD, but I'm enough on the bad side ALL THE TIME that she fears an intimate relationship with me.  My sexual frustration level is very high because of this.

Either there has to be a big change in the intimacy area while she remains a pwBPD, or she gets treatment and realizes that she bears much of the responsibility for the problems in our relationship (currently, it's all my fault in her mind).  Then I would guess that there would be a huge improvement in all areas of our relationship. 

Does anyone have any advice?  Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

The intimacy issues, though frustrating,.are indicative of other issues. It's tough to deal with this. I was probably more on the side of your wife early in my r/s. Validation from professionals helped. Your wife continues to blame you, however. The disorder can be cured, but it takes a willing patient.

Can BPD be cured or go into remission?

Do you know if she is the past victim of sexual abuse?

T

[startrekuser]

The intimacy issues, though frustrating,.are indicative of other issues. It's tough to deal with this. I was probably more on the side of your wife early in my r/s. Validation from professionals helped. Your wife continues to blame you, however. The disorder can be cured, but it takes a willing patient.

Can BPD be cured or go into remission?

Do you know if she is the past victim of sexual abuse?

T

Thanks.  As far as I know she hasn't been the past victim of sexual abuse, but she has such a hate for her older brother, who is also very narcissistic, it's a possibility that he abused her.

I don't understand what you mean by: " I was probably more on the side of your wife early in my r/s."  Can you explain?  Thanks.

[maxsterling]

To be honest, if it wasn't for my W being open about having mental illness and seeking help, my r/s would not have lasted 6 months.  My continued resolve to keep working on my r/s is only because her willingness to work on herself.  If she decides to stop working on herself, it's probably over.  At times, she stops working on herself, quits going to therapy and AA meetings, and things slowly get bad again as I become more and more frustrated.  Inevitably, she chooses (on her own) to get pack into some kind of therapy and things improve.

That said, I don't think pwBPD can ever be "cured".  In severe cases, I don't think BPD can even go into "remission".  I think it takes a constant effort for the pwBPD to control the most severe behaviors, but many behaviors will never go away.  The key to any kind of stability or happiness in these r/s is learn to understand the behaviors, work with and around them, and accept things for what they are.  It's not easy, and if the pwBPD is not seeking some kind of help, I think nearly impossible to achieve stability.

[startrekuser]

To be honest, if it wasn't for my W being open about having mental illness and seeking help, my r/s would not have lasted 6 months.  My continued resolve to keep working on my r/s is only because her willingness to work on herself.  If she decides to stop working on herself, it's probably over.  At times, she stops working on herself, quits going to therapy and AA meetings, and things slowly get bad again as I become more and more frustrated.  Inevitably, she chooses (on her own) to get pack into some kind of therapy and things improve.

That said, I don't think pwBPD can ever be "cured".  In severe cases, I don't think BPD can even go into "remission".  I think it takes a constant effort for the pwBPD to control the most severe behaviors, but many behaviors will never go away.  The key to any kind of stability or happiness in these r/s is learn to understand the behaviors, work with and around them, and accept things for what they are.  It's not easy, and if the pwBPD is not seeking some kind of help, I think nearly impossible to achieve stability.

How did she decide to get help?  On her own or did you tell her she needed help or was it some other way?

[maxsterling]

To be honest, if it wasn't for my W being open about having mental illness and seeking help, my r/s would not have lasted 6 months.  My continued resolve to keep working on my r/s is only because her willingness to work on herself.  If she decides to stop working on herself, it's probably over.  At times, she stops working on herself, quits going to therapy and AA meetings, and things slowly get bad again as I become more and more frustrated.  Inevitably, she chooses (on her own) to get pack into some kind of therapy and things improve.

That said, I don't think pwBPD can ever be "cured".  In severe cases, I don't think BPD can even go into "remission".  I think it takes a constant effort for the pwBPD to control the most severe behaviors, but many behaviors will never go away.  The key to any kind of stability or happiness in these r/s is learn to understand the behaviors, work with and around them, and accept things for what they are.  It's not easy, and if the pwBPD is not seeking some kind of help, I think nearly impossible to achieve stability.

How did she decide to get help?  On her own or did you tell her she needed help or was it some other way?

Well, she was hospitalized as a teenager.  From what I was told, she was forced into hospitalization through legal means.  In her 20s - again a long period of hospitalization got her into DBT.  I think it was also a forced hospitalization.  Since then, she has mostly sought help on her own.  I've done nothing to pressure her, insist, threaten, or otherwise force her to seek treatment.  I feel that if I have to go that route, then this r/s is not for me.  Sometimes things have been really bad and she refuses help.  I mean suicidal bad, and refuses help.  Since I have been with her, it's basically been a "rock bottom" type situation that gets her to reach out on her own.  I think is is those previous hospitalizations in her youth that taught her help is available. 

[Thread]

I know for a fact people are like do not do the ultimatums... .But when my therapist and others all concurred my husband may be Bpd and I read about it in full... .And joined this site, I gave him an ultimatum.

It was the last time he freaked out on me. I was in tears taking care of business, lacking sleep as he was trying to return business equipment and pack all of the stuff to return. He was trying to shut our business down. Called him mom had my mom on 3-way (yes a 32 year old adult man) and said he was moving home the next day - across the ocean have you. He went on our email system and cancelled all our upcoming orders - I had very stressed out birdies emailing me like what the heck. I found text messages from his sister that he had a room there. I read text messages to his guy friends asking how to shut a business down.

All this came from a look of disappointment because he didn't respond to a client of ours.

After 3 days of settling down. He went through the normal stages of anger, silent treatment, apologies, clingy, sad, ashamed, then back to

Loving and normal again.

I literally told him I couldn't keep doing this. He argued his feeling were reality. I let him know if I have never said he is retarded or stupid, how is it fact that you say I call you those things when it's coming from only your head and mouth? He kept saying they were true to him because he felt that way.

I told him I was going to divorce him for real (I separated from hi for a year - took him back unknowing he was Bpd) so, he let me help find him a Bpd trained therapist. And sign up for the waiting list for DBT therapy. Both have been better. 5 months of peace. He just dysregulated last week - so makes sense that Dbt is a 6 month commitment. His good behavior typically lasts 3 month. And it cycles back to the drama.

I'm hoping for some more positive news at the end of DBT - 4 more months to go.

Hopefully my story gave you some perspective - if anything know you are not alone.

[startrekuser]

I know for a fact people are like do not do the ultimatums... .But when my therapist and others all concurred my husband may be Bpd and I read about it in full... .And joined this site, I gave him an ultimatum.

It was the last time he freaked out on me. I was in tears taking care of business, lacking sleep as he was trying to return business equipment and pack all of the stuff to return. He was trying to shut our business down. Called him mom had my mom on 3-way (yes a 32 year old adult man) and said he was moving home the next day - across the ocean have you. He went on our email system and cancelled all our upcoming orders - I had very stressed out birdies emailing me like what the heck. I found text messages from his sister that he had a room there. I read text messages to his guy friends asking how to shut a business down.

All this came from a look of disappointment because he didn't respond to a client of ours.

After 3 days of settling down. He went through the normal stages of anger, silent treatment, apologies, clingy, sad, ashamed, then back to

Loving and normal again.

I literally told him I couldn't keep doing this. He argued his feeling were reality. I let him know if I have never said he is retarded or stupid, how is it fact that you say I call you those things when it's coming from only your head and mouth? He kept saying they were true to him because he felt that way.

I told him I was going to divorce him for real (I separated from hi for a year - took him back unknowing he was Bpd) so, he let me help find him a Bpd trained therapist. And sign up for the waiting list for DBT therapy. Both have been better. 5 months of peace. He just dysregulated last week - so makes sense that Dbt is a 6 month commitment. His good behavior typically lasts 3 month. And it cycles back to the drama.

I'm hoping for some more positive news at the end of DBT - 4 more months to go.

Hopefully my story gave you some perspective - if anything know you are not alone.

Thanks.  That was helpful.  I didn't quite understand your story.  Did he start shutting down the business as a response to your divorce ultimatum or was it the other way around?  That's what it will come down to for me.  Either I give an ultimatum or just leave her.

[Thread]

No he tried shutting the business down from a look of disappointment, at the end of his escalation I threatened to divorce him if he didn't get help. I told him it wasnt cool that he would do that with my only "job" security and income... .And just take off like that. That I can't trust him.

I hope you figure out how to go about it. I've found it very helpful talking about hard things with a third party - his DBT therapist.