I wanted relief, and she wanted to complain

[Depression = 72% of members]

I wanted relief due to some sort of stomach bug tonight. I asked her for her advice, and she wanted clarification so she could help me. Then, she gave me some pills which seem to be helping so far. I thanked her for the pills. Then, she wanted to complain about how I don't clean correctly and how that could have caused my current problem. She is right that I don't clean as well as she does, and I do my best, but it obviously isn't good enough. In fact, very few things that I do can be considered good enough according to her standards. Well, after she gave me some pills, she continued badgering me about this and that and this and that. I tried to explain to her that I needed help right here and now, but she wasn't listening. I even said that I listen to her without ever labelling her, and I wish she could do the same with me. I don't know if she actually heard me or not, but I suspect not.

When she continued this badgering, I shut down my computer. I put on my shoes. It is cold outside, and she convinced me that it is too cold outside for me to go outside. So, I took off my shoes. I then told her to do what she needs to do and not to bother me. Now, she is doing just that.

[Samuel S.]

I wanted relief due to some sort of stomach bug tonight. I asked her for her advice, and she wanted clarification so she could help me. Then, she gave me some pills which seem to be helping so far. I thanked her for the pills. Then, she wanted to complain about how I don't clean correctly and how that could have caused my current problem. She is right that I don't clean as well as she does, and I do my best, but it obviously isn't good enough. In fact, very few things that I do can be considered good enough according to her standards. Well, after she gave me some pills, she continued badgering me about this and that and this and that. I tried to explain to her that I needed help right here and now, but she wasn't listening. I even said that I listen to her without ever labelling her, and I wish she could do the same with me. I don't know if she actually heard me or not, but I suspect not.

When she continued this badgering, I shut down my computer. I put on my shoes. It is cold outside, and she convinced me that it is too cold outside for me to go outside. So, I took off my shoes. I then told her to do what she needs to do and not to bother me. Now, she is doing just that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OnceConfused]

Samuel:

Do you see your dynamics with her here?

You keep coming back to her for advice, a fact which empowers her more and more. Indeed, you are affirming her superiority and her knowledge of whatever.

If you have a stomach bug, why cannt you google some solutions, instead of asking her. Who is she to dispense stuffs to you? I bet she is giving you the same over the counter drugs. Do you know what pills she gave you?

When she complains about your cleaning method, instead of taking it in like the gospels. You have to PROBE, this way you systematically and logically dispel her own belief that her way is the correct one. You will ask such probing questions (the one you already know the answers , now you are leading her to admit that she knows nothing).  Always say it a smile (that will drive her nuts because you now become her shadows - have you ever tried to shadow box? You can never hit your own shadows)

You:

why do you think my cleaning method is not correct ? ... .then you lower the gun sight.

INteresting, you might have a case here, but can you point out to me some scientific articles about the correct way of cleaning ?

Is there any research to prove that my way was not correct in killing germ? -- now you put her on the spot to defend herself.


SO , Samuel, don't take her badgering in silence , ask open questions like a Enstein child who wants to understand MATTERS, E=mc square. Sooner or later, she will have NOT a logical or scientific reason to stand on. You now put her back on her heels in trying to explain. Eventually, she will get frustrated for not being able to answer fully and will go away.

Use phrases like, interesting, I see, can you show me with some concrete readings or published articles ... .

Now you are challenging her as EQUAL. Not to attack to make her prove her stance.

[Suzn]

Then, she gave me some pills which seem to be helping so far. I thanked her for the pills. Then, she wanted to complain about how I don't clean correctly and how that could have caused my current problem.

It seems she is uncomfortable when you are sick. It sounds as though your current cleaning routines have cause her a problem, in her mind, and she doesn't know how to express her concern in a compassionate way. Look for the concern (fear) behind the complaints. Validate that.  

I'm sorry you're not feeling well.  

[Samuel S.]

Yes, OnceConfused, I understand what you are saying, and I most certainly don't want to affirm her superiority and knowledge over my own judgment. Thank you for your advice, and I will do that.

I give confused signals to her, because when I was in the ER a couple of months ago, she was out of town. I then called her, because I didn't want her to be concerned if she were to call our home. After explaining about my chest pains, she tried to convince me to leave AMA (against medical advice), but I said I needed answers from a professional. Of course, chest pains are much more important and critical than having a stomach ache. When she repeated her manipulation, I repeated what I said, and it was a standoff in which I remained in the ER overnight.

Bottom line, OnceConfused, my dynamics with her need to be straight and to the point and to say the heck with her opinion.

Suzn, you're right about her being comfortable when I am sick. A couple of support ideas. First, her older D passed away at the age of 7 1/2 from basically West Nile Virus. Her D was taken to a local hospital's ICU and eventually was helicoptered to another hospital where she passed away. Secondly, when I first was dating her, I was in the same ICU as her D. So, she cried a lot wondering if I were to survive or not. So, medical problems that I have taken a toll for her. Sometimes, I am the one to try to validate her feelings and thus to calm her down.