Mood changes are so frustrating

[wundress]

My wife and I went away together this weekend. It started off great but it gradually went downhill.

Friday she wanted to talk about her stuff and how she was feeling so I listened and validated.

Saturday I felt irritated because she seemed to be insensitive and I could sense a change in mood. By the evening she was simultaneously hyper and depressed. She knows I go on this support forum. She demanded to know "what people were saying about her". So I gave her a summary of some of the helpful advice. She got all stroppy and said "they don't know me, I don't want to hear it" so I pointed out it was meant for me and she had pushed me to tell her.

Sunday she was back to being completely selfish. Took back everything she had previously promised.  She was disrespectful, blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage, accused me of abandoning her, said she will never change etc etc. The last straw was that she didn't tell me she had to collect a friend from the train station yesterday evening. We have been having problems getting our daughter to sleep at night and then getting her up for school. My wife had promised to be at our marital home in the mornings and evenings to help with childcare (she lives elsewhere at the moment) but she dumped it on me that she wouldn't be last night.

So sick of the mood changes. It's like being in love with different people and never knowing which one I will get. I feel like I am noe living a BPD life myself because after everything good comes something bad or the good things get sabotaged by her. I feel so wary around her that I start to wonder if I even love her anymore.

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[babyducks]

Hi wundress,

Living with constant tension can stress us and make us hyper reactive.  Adding in childcare issues has to make you feel like you are shouldering the weight of the world.   That's tough stuff.  Are you managing to find any time for self care?  Or to take a break for yourself?

I'm curious, do you think there was any correlation between you discussing your posting here and her reaction on Sunday?   I know I would have a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea that my partner was discussing our relationship on an online forum, regardless of how discrete she was being.   and I am not dealing with a disorder of any type.

you didn't specifically ask for any advice, but for me I know when my partner is having a mood swing I shouldn't try to follow her mood in any way.   When my partners mood is too high or too low I leave her alone to regulate herself and go off and do my own thing.   sometimes that means changing plans on the fly.

how are things going for you today?

'ducks

[waverider]

Inconsistencies are hard to cope with. The way I try to approach this is to not make my actions and plans dependent on my wifes mood or emotions, as they swing wildly by the hour. Plans will be broken.

It is for you to decide whether it is a good idea to tell her something, rather than basing that decision on whether she sounds like she is open to or not. As that is not a known constant.

Detaching from her reactions is the only way to stay stable yourself

[wundress]

Thanks. I feel I have been reeled in again and let my guard down only for her to back off again.

Today she text me telling me to leave her alone because she feels like she is going to pop and she doesn't want it affecting me.

I'm so confused. Struggling with parenting and feeling like a single parent.

I don't think sunday had anything to do with the support forum. Sunday she was blaming me for all sorts. She reckoned I abandoned her in october when I went to stay with my sister for a couple of days to get away from my wife after she had been horroble to me again.

[waverider]

Be careful about trying to attribute moods and emotions to specific issues. The issues are often just vehicles to convey a deeper unsubstantiated emotion. Something to hang their hat on if you like.

We can end up chasing our tales chasing the the wrong problem. Ironically that invalidates them more as you are not hearing them properly in their mind, despite them making such a big drama over specific issues.

More often than not they dont know what is creating the mood, and they likewise will jump on a passing excuse. Hence they can't address it themselves either as they dont know.

Often we have a "down" day, for no single specific reason, we just accept that we dont feel great. pwBPD dont accept anything, something/someone has to be blamed so they jump on an issue