Trying to make sense- undiagnosed Ex BPD gf moved out/blocked number

[shatra]

Cloudten wrote---

He told me in person he would stalk me at least half-a-dozen times. Yes, stalking happens. They will enlist other people to do it to.  You might as well face the fact that you have been painted black. All of her friends have likely been turned against you even though it is probably not your fault.

----Turned against you?  Are u talking about the "smear campaign"?  Is that because they paint us all black and want to convince others we are all black?

-----Do u know the reason'cause for the stalking? Is it their fearof  letting you go? Or tHe push pull (dump you and then keep tabs on you)?

She is pushing you away and will pull back... .what you have to decide on is how you are going to handle it when she tries to pull you back (imo and experience, she will try... .she will probably throw you breadcrumbs to see if you are still there and attached)

---Yes this is common. Does it happen even if the BPD is with someone else for the time being? I have heard after that one ends they try to return to us or throw breadcrumbs, as you wrote, even years later

[Malfii]

The Breadcrumbs thing is interesting - yesterday, I messaged K on gchat trying to be cordial (saying something reminded me of her, but staying very brief and quick) and she had a meltdown about how we couldn't be friends and she didn't want to talk to me and wanted to separate her life from me (all fair points, if not a bit confusing because a week earlier she told me she loved me and missed me).

I made the point that I was still her best friend, and probably the person she trusted most, and she acted as if she didn't care.

I then asked what her ultimate goal was here - to never speak to me again?  To rid me from her life?

All of this felt and sounded totally desperate - I hated myself for doing it.  But she's the person who could never have a plan, and that's still largely the case.

Interestingly enough, today she messaged me asking if I was excited for Jerry Seinfeld's performances at the Beacon Theater in NYC.  

Exact wording:

"OK. I know I said yesterday we shouldn't chat but I have to know if you are geeking out over the Seinfeld comedy shows hah"

I responded "Excited"  that was it.

For months, K was invisible or didn't sign into gchat.  Literally the last 9 months of this relationship.  Now, suddenly, she's green and available always.  I'm curious what happened.

Thoughts?  Why did she message me?  Why is she suddenly available to chat (green)?

[Malfii]

Circling back here!  Anyone?

[cloudten]

Breadcrumbs... .my ex and i did the same thing. He found the one thread he knew he could get me on... .gchat, or email, or words with friends, or i.g., or his employee... .he always found the one thread he still had connecting to me, and would abuse it. She is on gchat for you imo. There's really no question in my mind.

I mean, what do you want out of this?

[Malfii]

Update:  I'm still ruminating too much.

the exBPDgf rejoined Facebook, which she deactivated and swore off in June, and changed her picture.  40 minutes later (literally a MINUTE after I saw it) she unfriended me.  She's still FB friends with my mom and my best friend.

As far as she knows, I didn't see her picture - I had literally been online for a minute, if not less. 

Should I assume she rejoined and changed her picture because she's doing Tinder/Bumble/etc?

[cloudten]

Ok- one of the big turning points for me in my recovery was realizing that I was taking ruminating as a negative thing.

Ruminating, in and of itself, is not necessarily negative. Turning your relationship over and over in your head is actually part of processing the breakup and is completely normal. It does get better... .it takes WEEKS... .but it does get better. But allowing yourself to ruminate, allowing yourself to process it... .is definitely part of the healing process.  Don't feel bad for ruminating... .ruminating is part of the normal process.  You are normal for what you have been through.

Secondly- you know what they say about assume... .Assume makes an A$$ out of U and ME. Don't ever assume anything. STOP looking at her stuff. It is hurting you. Why are you doing something that hurts? Don't do it man. If you broke up, then what does tinder and bumble and all that crap matter? It doesn't matter.

Don't do stuff that hurts. You know looking at her stuff hurts. Don't do it.

What is the status of the apartment?

[Malfii]

Interesting situation about the apartment.

She came over yesterday to grab stuff - I had agreed to be gone while she was there (I was).

Saturday night I threw a Christmas party with about 12 of my closest friends - we decorated a Christmas tree and had a blast - honestly, it was the best night I've had since the breakup.  Everyone was very loving and supportive.

The next day I cleaned the place SPOTLESS - I didn't want it to seem like I was a mess without her.  The tree looked great, etc.

She rejoined FB RIGHT after leaving the apartment.  My guess is she must've been feeling down?  Apartment looked cute and clean, and I was gone, and had a tree up.

I'm on the dating apps, too, and when we tried to get back together she attacked me for having joined them, despite the fact that I told her, with all honesty, that I was basically on them to boost my self esteem and feel like someone else out there could ACTUALLY like me.  She didn't buy that, though it was the truth.

Beyond that, nothing new on the apartment front.  I have a feeling I'll get a "I'm not paying rent" email from her this week - I'll be shocked if she doesn't try to contact me and start some fight, despite the fact that absolutely nothing has changed.

I met a girl, on a date, who just went through a breakup exactly like mine with a BPD.  It's incredible how similar the contact is ("leave me alone, I have NO feelings for you, best of luck! etc.".  This girl has been super helpful this weekend in talking me through problems since she was just in my shoes.

[shatra]

Malfi wrote--the exBPDgf rejoined Facebook 40 minutes later (literally a MINUTE after I saw it) she unfriended me.  She's still FB friends with my mom and my best friend.As far as she knows, I didn't see her picture - I had literally been online for a minute, if not less. 

----How do u know about the timeframe? You logged on, checked her profile pic, and then she unfriended you? 

----Would she know if you looked at her pic/profile?

----Her keeping your mom and friend as friends sounds like she wants to keep a connection to you

Should I assume she rejoined and changed her picture because she's doing Tinder/Bumble/etc?

---What would the connection be between fb pic and Tinder?  Is it that those she talks to on TInder may see her facebook page, so she changed the fb pic?

[shatra]

Malfi wrote---

I met a girl, on a date, who just went through a breakup exactly like mine with a BPD.  It's incredible how similar the contact is ("leave me alone, I have NO feelings for you, best of luck! etc.".

-----I heard the "best of luck" speech too.  Has yours (or the girl you met's ex) tried to reconnect since saying that?  If a non says "I have no feelings for you, by, best of luck" it would sound like a definite end, but with a BPD it might not be, since they do the push pull

[Malfii]

@Shatra -

On FB you can't see if people are viewing your profile.  But it said that she had updated her picture 40 minutes ago, and then moments later I was unable to view her complete profile.

In order to join most dating apps, like Tinder and Bumble, you HAVE to have a Facebook profile - it is a requirement of the apps, as it uses pictures from Facebook.

[cloudten]

The supportive girl---- keep her as a friend... .seriously. Having someone in real life you can talk about this stuff with is invaluable.  But don't be surprised if it means you can only have a friendship and not a romance... .but keep her as a friend... .for now... .it will do you a lot of good.

[Malfii]

I'm a total idiot.

After VERY little contact for a full week, I messaged my exBPDgf to let her know a couple of things.

I know for a fact that she's continuing to talk to a girl from my office who she had been loosely friends with.  This girl is basically the biggest gossip in the world, and will absolutely try to get details so she can talk about me behind my back. 

I asked K if she'd please not hang out with the girl and she argued with me that she wouldn't talk about me (total BS).  Eventually she relented and said she'd respect me.  Lets hope she does.

I had a few other minor questions that I wanted to clear by her about friends of mine staying over (she asked me to clear with her, and as she pays rent, I have to, I suppose).

The conversation got friendly, and I started getting more emotional than I needed to be.  I restrained myself, but asked if she missed me.  She admitted to missing certain things, and told me she'd unblock my number.  We caught up about trivial stuff a bit, and I pretended to demand $15 from her for electricity/gas.  She called me a goon jokingly, and we said bye.

I feel like even though I initiated contact, she was giving me false hope again.  Is this how I should few a conversation that went well?

She went out of her way to say:

"I don't hold all of that resentment towards you anymore. I'm really at peace and calm now. it's odd."

That was totally unprompted.

Is this the beginning of a recycle?

[cloudten]

It will only be a recycle if you let it be a recycle.

All I see in this is   

And if you can hear it, I hear that submarine warning siren going off too that you are going down... .

Abort! abort!

Of course the conversation went well, you showed her your emotions and she is gathering all of them up to use against you... .manipulation. Plus, it went well because she mirrored you. She let you talk first to get your vibe, then mirrored it. Because you were kind and emotional, she was kind and emotional.

If I may be honest, it sounds like you are looking for excuses to contact her. Really... .none of those are excuses, IMO.

I would not believe her one second about the resentment... .and I would not believe that she is actually at peace and calm. or IF she is at peace and calm NOW... .what will it be in 3 minutes? 3 hours? 3 days? 3 weeks? The fact she admitted "its odd"... .IS ODD! Its concerning that she finds peace and calm ODD! For me in my BPD-FREE life now... .peace and calm is all I have!

Like I said at the top- it will only be a recycle if you let it be a recycle. It can only be one way or the other. Either she is in, or she's in the way. It's up to you to decide. You know what it is like to be "in" with her. Is that a place you want to be?

[cloudten]

One more thing to add---- something I realized in my T session this week... .

One reason we feel so connected to these people is that they actually listen to us... .they listen very intently. I was always amazed at the things he remembered that I said... .

They listen... .they are very cunning. don't be fooled.

She makes you feel good because she listens to you... .

because she is looking for any little golden nugget she can use against you later... .any little golden nugget that she can use to sway you or manipulate you.

Brief example: I once told my BPDx that "i feared making a mistake in our relationship, like what if someday i cheated on him."  THAT was totally the wrong thing to say... .later on he goes "well you already told me you are going to cheat on me." no, that wasn't exactly what i said... .but he didn't hear it that way. He missed the whole point of what I was actually trying to say is that I was scared of him. Or maybe he did hear it- and just twisted it (probably more accurate).

[Malfii]

You're definitely right, that I was looking for an excuse to talk to her.  I don't know why, but I wanted to make contact, even though it had been a full week.

I guess I was (am?) afraid she's moved on.  And I don't want to be left behind.  Which is a totally stupid reason.  I know I've gotten better than I've been the last few weeks, but I still ache a lot.  And I haven't been sleeping at all.

The dumb thing is I have another date tonight, with a beautiful girl who seems very nice and interesting.  And I was excited about it until this.

It's interesting that you say BPDs listen intently, because, while that's true, I never felt like she EVER got what I was saying.  Case-in-point, she'd always hear the literal of what I was saying, and never the overarching idea behind it.

Example: She went on a trip to Europe with her two friends for 10 days, and I told her I was hurt because I would've liked to have gone, if she could've waited a couple of months.  She said she'd never do it again.  And she probably wont go on a trip to Europe for 10 days by herself.  Instead, it'll be to South America, or something. 

The point is, she understood that this SPECIFIC instance was hurtful, but not WHY it was hurtful. 

I've redug myself into this hole.  It's awful.  Are the relapses as bad as the initial detach?

[cloudten]

You're definitely right, that I was looking for an excuse to talk to her.  I don't know why, but I wanted to make contact, even though it had been a full week.

I guess I was (am?) afraid she's moved on.  And I don't want to be left behind.  Which is a totally stupid reason.  I know I've gotten better than I've been the last few weeks, but I still ache a lot.  And I haven't been sleeping at all.

The dumb thing is I have another date tonight, with a beautiful girl who seems very nice and interesting.  And I was excited about it until this.

It's interesting that you say BPDs listen intently, because, while that's true, I never felt like she EVER got what I was saying.  Case-in-point, she'd always hear the literal of what I was saying, and never the overarching idea behind it.

Example: She went on a trip to Europe with her two friends for 10 days, and I told her I was hurt because I would've liked to have gone, if she could've waited a couple of months.  She said she'd never do it again.  And she probably wont go on a trip to Europe for 10 days by herself.  Instead, it'll be to South America, or something. 

The point is, she understood that this SPECIFIC instance was hurtful, but not WHY it was hurtful. 

I've redug myself into this hole.  It's awful.  Are the relapses as bad as the initial detach?

I don't think it's stupid that you don't want to be left behind. I think its actually really normal... .it was for me anyway. It is kind of what made me fight for the relationship for a while- because I didn't want him going out with other girls.

I think you'll need to accept and expect that she is moving on- just as you are. It is a hard pill to swallow.

Hope you had a good date!

You'll have good days and bad days... .good weeks and bad weeks. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Are you asking about recycles? Each of my recycles got progressively worse. Each of my recycles ended worse than the one before. And after each recycle, my detachment has gotten harder and harder to heal from. If I could live the last 3 years over again, I would have left at month 3 and stayed gone. Heck, if I would have stayed gone after my first big breakup at year 1, I would be in a much better place than I am now... .

But flip side... .I still wouldn't be dealing with my own issues as I am now (codependent daughter of a narc mom... .is actually the trauma that caused me to stay with narc BPDx). Because I am now dealing those issues, I will be able to have the life, with or without a romantic relationship, that I always wanted for myself.

I actually agree with you that I never really felt like he understood what I was saying, but he was definitely listening intently.

[cloudten]

Actually, I have to completely correct myself... .

If I was as strong 3 years ago as I am today, I never would have entered into the relationship in the first place.

The day I met him, he was raging- all out yelling in his father's face. I knew at that time that my universe shifted... .not like love at first sight, but I knew instantly that this person was going to be something to me. And so he became someone significant to me. I completely ignored every red flag. 

Now, would I ever entertain the idea of seeing someone whom I met raging in his father's face? NO. NO WAY IN HELL.