Has she suceeded in pushing me away?

[ArleighBurke]

If I could possibly remember all the things my uBPDw has said/done to push me away for the last 15 years it'd be a very long list. But specifically with sex/affection in the last 3 years:

• she accused me of attempted rape (to 2 counsellors) because I ignored her saying "no" while she was laughing



• she's told me many times that I "forced" myself on her the night before and she didn't want to have sex but she only did because she was too afraid to say no and i need to be able to say no for her.



• apparently i kiss her too hard - too forceably.



• we can't do anything not face-to-face because then she feels used



• she won't go on a date with me



• if I massage her I'm not allowed to turn that into sex



• if she comes and cuddles me in bed, I'm supposed to know whether she wants to escalate to sex or not, and if i make a single step in the wrong direction either way then boom... .



• making any sort of sexual comment during the day expressing my desires for her is "pressure"



• any open mouth kissing, because if the kids aren't there then I'm just wanting sex, and if I try in s situation where it can't excalate to sex (fully clothed, daytime, with kids around) - she hates it ("I'm not in that frame of mind"



• she won't shower with me (even if I keep my hands off her) because she feels uncomfortable



• the list goes on... .

So i'm at the point where I don't enjoy sex. I can f*ck her - but that's not what i want - and when I do it feels empty. If I want to actually connect with her - to make love to my wife - that requires some level of openness, togetherness which is just not there.

And she's noticed.

She's noticed that I no longer initiate. I still touch her non-sexually. hand on the back, holding hands, and we still chat on the couch each night, but I'm not interested in pushing for sex. It's just no worth it for me anymore. And that sux.

To make it worse - she asked me about it today "What do you want?"

And I have no reply. Well, nothing that I consider constructive. How do I say "I want you to not be you?". The best I want to say is some sort of "I know you're uncomfortable with sex because of your childhood. How about instead of blaming me for your discomfort - how about you acknowledge it's YOURS and we can work through it together." (I can feel I'm getting into the bitter/hatred stage of marriage which is a road I know I can't come back from)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

To make it worse - she asked me about it today "What do you want?"

And I have no reply. Well, nothing that I consider constructive. How do I say "I want you to not be you?". The best I want to say is some sort of "I know you're uncomfortable with sex because of your childhood. How about instead of blaming me for your discomfort - how about you acknowledge it's YOURS and we can work through it together." (I can feel I'm getting into the bitter/hatred stage of marriage which is a road I know I can't come back from)

This statement strikes me as freaking brilliant.  It's exactly true and points to the possibility of working through her issues together.  Why not try it?  Sounds like you don't have much to lose.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying in this post.  I also no longer initiate sex because the risk is greater than the reward, and it's not a fun place to be. 

[maxsterling]

I can relate here.  The reality here is that your wife has some kind of sexual trauma/shame in her past.   That is hers to work through, and will need to be worked through with a specialist.  But your list - I certainly know where you are.  In my case:

- A few times during sex she has claimed what I was doing felt like "rape".

- She's given me much grief for wanting to use a condom. 

- a few times she has made some kind of a comment about her giving me her STD.  My interpretation of her comment is that she feels that would bring us somehow closer?

- She has made claims that I should have slept around more when I was younger so that I would know how to please her better.

- she has insisted I don't tell her that I love her or that she is pretty during sex.

- she touches me in a sexual way or objectifies me at times when I don't want to be touched.  If I pull away or say "no", I get S about it.

- if I express any feelings bout my sexual desires, she feels like I am shaming her.  I've learned to not discuss things with her. 

All in all - my reaction is like yours, my sex drive is about 1/10 of what it was when we met.  It's not that I don't find her attractive, I just feel so much pressure and emotional anxiety towards sex now.  End result = ED.  Seriously.  I have to play mental exercises with myself just to get in the mood. 

This is not so say sex is not good now when we have it, as there are many things about our sexual relationship that are what I want.  The biggest stumbling block for me right now is my wife's constant negativity (a big turn off for me), and the memories of past comments she has made towards me regarding sex. 

Your wife has some kind of sexual trauma.  I hate to say it, but your sex life with her will not improve unless she seeks help. There's no amount of hoops you can jump through for her or demands you can meet or work you can do on yourself to significantly improve things for the long term. 

[dacoming]

All in all - my reaction is like yours, my sex drive is about 1/10 of what it was when we met.  It's not that I don't find her attractive, I just feel so much pressure and emotional anxiety towards sex now.  End result = ED.  Seriously.  I have to play mental exercises with myself just to get in the mood. 

I feel this too and have been dealing with it for years.  Every therapist I go to says there is no physical problem, it's mental.  My wife, having an answer for everything, believes it's excessive masturbation.  A recent therapist said it's the marriage that's the problem, not me.  She refuses sex over the most trivial things.  For example, last night she was apparently calling for me and I didn't hear her.  She walked by and saw me in the kitchen and asked why I didn't respond.  I told her I didn't here her.  She got agitated and out of the mood.  She told me this morning that the little things I do to annoy her (on purpose) bother her and mess up the mood.  So she withholds sex/affection.