A slightly different trajectory. Blathering.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, everyone. I just joined this board, and I've been reading a lot of your stories here -- feeling for all of you, relating to so much of what I'm hearing.

But I haven't seen anyone whose story is quite like mine. I posted a long intro elsewhere. In brief: I had an affair with the person I think might have BPD. (Well, he probably does. It would be a miracle to escape a childhood like his without a personality disorder, or at least a lot of problems with relationships.)

Anyhow, what is different is that I never left my boyfriend for him. He left his wife, then waited and waited--but I didn't actually leave my relationship until he dropped the bomb on me that I'd been replaced. In other words, the whole time we were together I was validating all his fears of abandonment by my inaction. He gave up long before the end. He told me so, but we kept getting back together--as lovers, or as friends. It slipped from one to the other. It was a private world--enacted in secret meetings, on our secret blog, or hiding in plain sight with mutual friends. An epic dream.

I mean, I objectively put him through hell with my indecision. In the last few months, he even told me about unsuccessful dates he was going on in an effort to move on. He didn't tell me about the relationship he'd already started when he dropped the bomb and finally unleashed all his anger on me, though. He hid that while it was developing. Protecting it from me. For obvious reasons.

I mean, I didn't "push/pull," as he once accused me, but I did let him know how bad it hurt during those times when he said he was done waiting. But I didn't actually leave the other man for him until after he told me he was seeing someone else.

I guess I'm doing a post mortem here.

I'm not even sure who left whom. I only know we broke each other's hearts. And in the end he became a totally different person. He even said, "I feel like I'm a different person now." He was brutal, incredibly hurtful, then friendly, then brutal again, then just... .gone.

Anyhow, I guess I haven't read a story exactly like this here.

You can see why I felt at the time like I deserved the abuse. That was almost a year ago! And here I am, still struggling. Still feeling like, "Wait, I DID the thing you wanted so bad! If you wanted me so bad, why are you giving up a chance at being together? It wasn't on your timeline, but I DID IT FOR YOU. Can't you even have a kind word for me?"

[steelwork]

Hi, everyone. I just joined this board, and I've been reading a lot of your stories here -- feeling for all of you, relating to so much of what I'm hearing.

But I haven't seen anyone whose story is quite like mine. I posted a long intro elsewhere. In brief: I had an affair with the person I think might have BPD. (Well, he probably does. It would be a miracle to escape a childhood like his without a personality disorder, or at least a lot of problems with relationships.)

Anyhow, what is different is that I never left my boyfriend for him. He left his wife, then waited and waited--but I didn't actually leave my relationship until he dropped the bomb on me that I'd been replaced. In other words, the whole time we were together I was validating all his fears of abandonment by my inaction. He gave up long before the end. He told me so, but we kept getting back together--as lovers, or as friends. It slipped from one to the other. It was a private world--enacted in secret meetings, on our secret blog, or hiding in plain sight with mutual friends. An epic dream.

I mean, I objectively put him through hell with my indecision. In the last few months, he even told me about unsuccessful dates he was going on in an effort to move on. He didn't tell me about the relationship he'd already started when he dropped the bomb and finally unleashed all his anger on me, though. He hid that while it was developing. Protecting it from me. For obvious reasons.

I mean, I didn't "push/pull," as he once accused me, but I did let him know how bad it hurt during those times when he said he was done waiting. But I didn't actually leave the other man for him until after he told me he was seeing someone else.

I guess I'm doing a post mortem here.

I'm not even sure who left whom. I only know we broke each other's hearts. And in the end he became a totally different person. He even said, "I feel like I'm a different person now." He was brutal, incredibly hurtful, then friendly, then brutal again, then just... .gone.

Anyhow, I guess I haven't read a story exactly like this here.

You can see why I felt at the time like I deserved the abuse. That was almost a year ago! And here I am, still struggling. Still feeling like, "Wait, I DID the thing you wanted so bad! If you wanted me so bad, why are you giving up a chance at being together? It wasn't on your timeline, but I DID IT FOR YOU. Can't you even have a kind word for me?"

[steelwork]

I guess the issue is that I'm feeling a lot of guilt and remorse. I apologized for my role in things, and he thanked me for the apology and said he could have written a letter of apology twice as long, but he didn't say what would be in it. I think he was pretty confused. But it's all gone to hell now.

Even a year later, after all the cruelty and contempt and other evidence that he is a person who would have eventually hurt me even worse, I feel horrible for not leaving the other man in time--before he got together with this other person. I can't help feeling I messed up so epically and will never someone who touches me that deeply again. I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and treat him with kit gloves and understand that he was living in a world of emotions while I was trying to talk rationally.

I'm considering going back to the man I left for him. It was a stable situation with a loving and supportive person. Someone I'm not all that physically attracted to, but who cares for me and who I care for. I think "romance" is over for me.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi shambles, it's easy for us to blame ourselves in the aftermath of these types of relationships. A lot of people end up wondering "if only": if only I had said the right things, if only I had handled a situation differently, if only I didn't trigger their abandonment fears, etc. That's understandable. However, we are not responsible for the actions of a mentally ill person. And no matter how "normal" they may seem on the outside, there is a disorder inside their head that sabotages the ability for them to have healthy relationships.

Maybe you felt like you betrayed him by not leaving your boyfriend. Yet, isn't he an adult who should be responsible for making decisions in his own best interests? Also what about your own words about his "cruelty and contempt... .a person who would have eventually hurt me even worse"?

If you think it's easy to "fix" things in a BPD relationship, you may want to read more of the stories on the staying board. The non BPD partner ends up doing all the heavy lifting and often gives up a lot of the things that are important in a healthy fulfilling relationship. I know because I lived that life, and I gave up so much of myself for so little in return.

What is your idea of "romance"? Is it excitement and drama? Every relationship eventually moves past the honeymoon phase, and then we have work to do. Obviously it's not all drudgery, and if it were, that's probably not a good relationship. One thing a friend of mine always says is "never stop dating your spouse", that is how she keeps the romance in their relationship long after they've "settled down". The best partners will make us feel loved and safe. If we're always on edge about what and when the next crisis is going to erupt, that's not safe. And for the BPD partner, their illness prevents them from feeling safe and their maladaptive strategies often makes things worse.

Apologies if this all sounds like lecturing. If there is only one thing to communicate, I would say please don't give up on yourself. He was not your only chance at happiness, that is in your hands. Best wishes to you. 

[steelwork]

Hi lc74,

Yeah, those "staying" threads are sobering.

I think part of my issue is that I avoided really officially STARTING the relationship he (said he) wanted until it was too late, and now he's doing the things we talked about, but with someone else. (Someone we both supposedly disliked.) and as with so many here, that follow-on relationship was in 3rd gear within, it seems, weeks of starting. I imagine he was in a hurry. After all, from his POV he'd been chasing/waiting for me for 2.5 years. He was still in seduction mode most of that time. I'd seen glimpses of the person he became once he had a new girl, but only occasionally.

I guess that's dodging a bullet. But why do I still feel like I got hit?

Romance. That sounds silly. What I mean is, I never was all that physically attracted to the man I was with when I met him. They were like opposite poles. I loved them both. After all that's happened and how shattered I was, the safe kind stable guy i'm not on fire for seems like maybe he was the real thing all the time and I'm beyond lucky he'll still have me.

But it also feels like giving up on, well, romance.

Thanks for listening.