Mommy dearest

[Minniep]

Hi all 

My mother has finally been diagnosed this year with BPD at age 60. I've known this for many years. My older brother (44 yo) has been diagnosed bipolar but shows BPD traits and gets worse the older he gets. He cut me off the day after Thanksgiving in a rage. Still not sure why he was so upset. My father is narcissistic and somewhat eccentric and I don't have a relationship with him because well, it's all about him. I have a younger brother (30 yo) that is functioning autistic. I have been diagnosed with depression, ADD, and anxiety. My youngest brother (23yo) has been diagnosed with ADD and probably has depression but so far looks pretty level headed!

My mother was described as a child as very angry, she hit and bit her sisters and threw tantrums on the regular. She described herself as, "coming into the world kicking and screaming and will leave kicking and screaming." Having her as a mother has been so painful, confusing, and insane. I haven't spoken to her in 7 years and it's been a big relief to not have her in my life. I've been in therapy for 10 years and still find it necessary. When I was a child my mother cut me off from any family member that didn't give me or her money. I wasn't allowed to have relationships with my aunts or grandmother. I'm 36 now and I'm still not "allowed" to have the relationships with my family that actually make me feel loved. My mother has tried to get in touch with me numerous times over the years and I have chosen no contact. The first cut off was initiated by her during a rage. I was in an accident early this year that almost took my life. I suffered multiple broken bones and trouble with the law. When she found out she emailed me through my professional website (my personal email address hasn't changed in 15 years... .) to let me know that she knows and that she's angry with me for not telling her. :-/ No how are you?, are you ok?, what do you need?, are you working?, what is the pain like? Nope, it was all about her and how angry she was with me. Never different. She's always angry with me and I've never really known why. I responded to her recent email and simply asked, "What do you want?" Her 1st response was, peace. Lamest answer after not speaking for 7 years. Then she had a 2nd reply and said "I want to be like SARAH!" (Names made up to protect the innocent) She's referring to my aunt whom has been the closest thing to a mother as I will get. She listens, hugs, praises, laughs, loves. :-( I was really asking my mother "What do you want from me?" But as usual it's about her. It always is.

My mother takes credit for my success when she made absolutely no effort to help me be successful. When I was in college she asked ME for money and when I called her to ask for money for bills, food, or gas, it was the most horrible thing I could have asked for. Anything I asked for, needed or not, was too much to ask, including hugs. When I was getting a divorce she told me to get over it the second time I brought it up. She would ask me if I wanted to fight when I brought up any issue or trying solve problems. Endless, every day. It's so exhausting. I feel like I'm still paying even though I don't have my mother in my life. I think I have met a few women with similar issues but by and large I feel like my parents are insane, I was raised by wolves, and I tend to feel sorry for myself. I'm slowly coming out of the victim place and into the adult place. I have a loving partner. I have cultivated love in my life. I know what it is and I know what it isn't. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me still. I learned to cope in a BPD way but it's not my natural state. My nervous system is shot from all the instability. We moved almost every year of my life. I changed schools many times. My mom came to get me from track practice in 7th grade with all our stuff loaded in the car. She was in a rage. Angry. So much anger. My brothers and I learned to entertain her. We would make jokes and act silly so that she would be happy. I felt trapped and alone. The day I turned 18 I moved out. I moved to another state when I was 28 partially to get away from her, for a job, and to start recovering. 7 years later I have grown a lot and gotten my head on straight enough to be my own person and learn and change patterns and thoughts. It's a lot of hard work. It's depressing. But it's worth it. I'm glad the website exists but I'm sad that it exists too. BPD is misery that radiates out from main sufferer to everyone around them. Everyone suffers. 

[Turkish]

Hi Minniep,



What's going on with her diagnosis, is there a treatment plan in place?

I also moved out the day I turned 18. I struggled, and borrowed money to eat some weeks in the winter, but I relished my freedom.

How do you feel about the diagnosis? Is it validating, or is it anti-climactic, because you had already made that conclusion?

Turkish