A two year order of protection against wife, required by the State

[lostmylove]

I am an "abused husband", because of BPD. But the State in which I live, pretty much favors women only, so if there's any even a simple argument or violence, the guy goes to jail.   Under duress, I had to plea bargain to "pushing a vulnerable adult" (a misdemeanor). Never mind that my BPD wife told the police that she attacked me first and did not want to press charges, or have either of us go to jail. The prosecution wanted another conviction (notch in their belt), in order to qualify to become a judge in the future (selfish motivation at the expense of others). A two year order of protection even restricts me from apologizing for my naivety in how to work with her illness (I lack DBT training). Is there any hope of reconciliation in two years, when communication is silenced by the State? I am so angry, not at all with my lovely but damaged wife, but the judicial system, and the relative to whom she told me raped her as a child!   I feel, I too, am a victim, propagated by that other man's senseless and sick actions from decades ago!

It's been almost three months not being able to see her. Half of me is missing. I want to die, but God forbids me from taking my life. Will I ever heal? Will she ever heal? I miss you, my dear, oh so deeply!  

[Skip]

Wow. And I wanted to verify for readers that you do live in the state with the most aggressive domestic abuse lobby in the nation.

So, tell us a bit more. How long ago did you talk?  What does your order specifically say (what are you specifically prohibited from doing)?  How does she feel about all of this?

[lostmylove]

Minnesota. If my cell phone "accidentally" calls, texts, or emails her because of a bumped cell phone button, or in any other way any form of communication is sent her (unsigned birthday card, classified message, or any social media which may be traced), I may go off to prison! I've been a law abiding citizen all my life, and now suddenly all this! This is ludicrous and perhaps unconstitutional!

I removed what I hope is all ways of potentially responding to her, to protect myself.

[lostmylove]

I'm not sure what she thinks. Your guess is as good as mine. Those with BPD love you, than hate you!

[lostmylove]

Another supplemental note:

Just a clarification... .the order of protection is against me, not her. She has no restrictions. She could even lure me back home for love, or just to talk. If I were to show up, my freedom will be taken away again, but for much longer. 

Some friends have told me to write her off forever. But that's easy to advise when they lack an emotional attachment of unconditional (agape)   love.

[Skip]

Is there a family member that can help you?

[lostmylove]

Unfortunately, I don't feel my family is capable of helping. Though, they are sympathetic. I have a few friends who are trying to help but are limited. I lean on God in these days of challenge.

[Skip]

I meant her family - someone who could find out where she is on all of this.  It's hard to imagine being married and prohibited by law from contacting her... .

Can you tell us more? When did this happen? How long had the order been in place? 

[valet]

Wow. That is truly horrendous.

What have you been doing since? Any way to piece this together sans her?

[silvie]

Hello-

Is she willing to make a motion to lift the order? Do you have an attorney?  I'm in a slightly similar situation, however, opposite to you.  It's a complete blindsided nightmare b/c no one knows the insanity and fear of being in a system of which you've never been.  The system is not interested in healing families- and the domestic violence laws blanket. 

Breathe... .and try to take care of yourself as much as you can so you can think properly. 

[lostmylove]

I took a day break from here to focus on my elderly Mother's birthday and to prepare for temporary homelessness. Never been in this desperate a situation before in life. Oh well, it's humbling, and develops character. A friend whom I thought had room to house me doesn't, it's cold and snowing out... .I'm honestly afraid of the immediate future.

Having self-concern for self-preservation now overrides or actually shares the incredible remorse I am feeling for how I handled the last several months of being with my lovely wife. My mother and best friend since high school both said that there's still hope for reconciliation someday, even if a divorce becomes reality. But at the same time, my best friend said he had warned me not to marry her when we were dating, yet would support a future reconciliation, because of both our convictions to dedication of our marriage vows to our wives.

He recently had his bi-polar wife hospitalized for the fifth or sixth time in their thirty-something year marriage. And emphasizes that, had he known how wearing his wife's illness would drain him, he never would have married her. I have mixed feelings about that. I went into my marriage fully aware my fiancé had BPD. I just didn't educate myself what BPD really was. My mother and friend reminded/refreshed me of a memory I had forgotten during our courtship. My wife had made an "emotion mind" BPD scene in public during this best friend late father's funeral (had threatened to take her clothes off to get even with me, because I was visiting with other friends at this funeral I hadn't seen in over a decade, and because I wasn't focusing on my wife, she felt "abandoned", of which I was unaware).

Sorry, I've been venting.

To answer one of your questions... .her family has turned on me. They only hear from her side of the story. I "over-defended" myself one too many times in our two year marriage, from being humiliated, threatened, spit on, kicked, bitten, stabbed, and other scary antics from her when she went into uncontrollable rages. I do admit, I feel the need to get myself counseling for "verbal abuse retalialiation from being verbally and physically abused". I heard throughod a friend that she indicated to them that if we both seek their spy for our own issues, and maybe after a period of time, she might want to make a go of it again (reconcile).

Perhaps it's not healthy for me to hang on to hope from hearing this comment. But I'm still deeply in love with my estranged wife, and until the door of hope is closed forever, I will peer through that door crack of hope, and continue praying to my God, that He may touch her heart and her families' hearts, in a way that will show the world that blessings can be formed from tragedies, and that good will ultimately still prevail over bad.

[Skip]

Have you thought to write a note to her... .not to send, but to share with us, get out of you what you want to say to her? Maybe shed that tear with us that you are holding back.

lostmylove, you have been through and are going through a lot. We've been through it.  We'll be here for you every day on your walk. We'll get through it, man.

I know this hurts like hell. Hold on.

We have a number of Boards here to consider including one for personal inventory. Reach out.

[lostmylove]

I appreciate your candor in suggesting that I "write a note to her", but only intended for the express purpose of releasing my feelings in this forum.

It's obvious I have the stigma of paranoia. But when one is dealing with a VERY RESTRICTED order of protection, where even the slightest perception by an official who might read this forum and thinks I  might be reaching out to her specifically, even when it's only for a forum, they can alter my life forever. Unless the laws are changed (pertaining to how orders of protection are set up), I must remain paranoid and walk on eggshells for at a minimum of two years!