If I don't JADE, which is a pretty typical reaction for me, my wife will launch her attack.

[Concerns]

I can totally see the value in this. But true Skip if I don't JADE, which is a pretty typical reaction for me, my wife will launch her attack. I think its viewed that I'm hiding something, not being trustworthy, not communicating, "fine... .don't talk to me... .you never talk to me anyway... .you don't communicate with me... .you don't trust me enough to talk to me... ."

It seems that disagreeing with her disregulated mind is an invalidation to her. It's a trap:damned if you do, damned if you don't. A boundary is construed as defending or justifying and ultimately invalidating because I'm not agreeing with her. I lose respect for setting the boundary and I lose respect for being a doormat by not responding. I feel like sometimes, in this approach, I have to validate her insanity which I can't do. I'm not throwing that word around either. I will try to have her remember things from previous conversations and her simple response is either "I forget or I never said that... ." It's a perfect tactic for shutting down the argument/conversation. Or it will turn abusive "go f*** yourself... ." Another great tactic. Its really hard.

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[Skip]

It seems that disagreeing with her disregulated mind is an invalidation to her. It's a trap:damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A boundary is construed as defending or justifying and ultimately invalidating because I'm not agreeing with her. I lose respect for setting the boundary and I lose respect for being a doormat by not responding.

I feel like sometimes, in this approach, I have to validate her insanity which I can't do. I'm not throwing that word around either. I will try to have her remember things from previous conversations and her simple response is either "I forget or I never said that... ." It's a perfect tactic for shutting down the argument/conversation. Or it will turn abusive "go ___ yourself... ." Another great tactic. Its really hard.

The tools take skill and they are not 100% effective, but you can probably get to a better place with some coaching on specific situations.

JADE is about over-proving your point. It still helps to answer and be clear.

What was the last episode? What happened?

[maxsterling]

I experience similar reactions, so maybe I can help.

I think my W is often speaking in a way where she wants me to JADE in response.  That's her game.  She gets POed when I don't argue or raise my voice in return, because she says it makes her feel like a lunatic for being so upset (she feels invalidated that I am not addressing her concern with the emotion that she wants).

But if I JADE, things are definitely worse - and worse for ME.  In other words, I avoid JADE mainly because it is a waste of my time and energy and makes things worse by prolonging my exposure to the rage, not because it is going to make the argument/disagreement any better.  She's already mad.  If I JADE, almost guaranteed to make it worse.  If I don't JADE, she's likely to push harder anyway.  Nothing I can do about that. 

A few rules I have adopted for myself -

1) Explaining once is okay, and sometimes needs to be done, especially if she asks for an explanation.  Explaining a second time is pointless and a waste of time. 

2) If I see no chance of the conversation being constructive and a problem actually being solved, my course of action is to disengage from circular or pointless conversations.   

3) Sometimes a small amount of defending is okay.  I just try to validate and especially not invalidate, but that is nearly impossible if she is dysregulated.   But I need to stay calm with an even demeanor and stay logical and on point,  and not repeat myself.

Remember, the tools are not designed to change the behavior of the pwBPD, because you have no control over another's behavior.  The tools are designed to help you not make things worse, and regain some control over an out-of-control situation.

[Chilibean13]

Not JADEing is important, but don't forget the first step of validating her feelings. For my H it is more important that I "understand" him and try to see his side of things. If I do that first, he doesn't care what my response is. He feels that I care and listen to him. Most of the time he will either get to what is really bothering him or completely forget that something was wrong. Sometimes though  It's really hard to figure out what he is feeling and what he needs validated.

If I don't JADE and don't validate I get the same reaction as your SO. He says I'm not listening to him and that I don't care about him because I'm ignoring him. At that point, all hope of a quick de-escalation is lost.