Hurting. Again.

[Rg120]

Three years ago I met a girl who I thought was the most amazing person in this world. She was beautiful, smart, and fun to be around. And she made feel good about myself... .like I was the most amazing person I the world. I fell quickly in love with her, and went on to have a tumultuous 18 month long relationship with her. She insisted early on that I commit to marriage, but I wasn't ready. By the time I was ready and told her I was, she dumped me for a guy who was an exact clone of me in every way, except in the way he treated her. He treated her like s*&t. I treated her like gold. I went into a deep deep depression when she dumped me, and was questioning everything about myself. I ended up in therapy, and only then did I realize that this girl had BPD. I began reading everything I could get my hands on about BPD, and her past, her personality, and our relationship fit BPD to a T.

After several months my depression subsided a little bit, but not totally, mainly because I maintained contact with her. Anytime things went bad with her new guy, my clone, she would call me, and I would listen and try to help her solve her problems. Pretty pathetic, right?  And her BPD traits continued to worsen throughout this relationship, and at times I actually felt happy that I was no longer with her. Yet I continued talking to her, even though I knew she was only reaching out to me because she had burned bridges with everyone else in her life, and no one else would listen to her. And each conversation with her would send me a little deeper back into depression. One time she concocted a crazy plan that she wanted me to help her with to upset the new boyfriend, and when I refused to help, she told me to go eff myself and hung up on me. And I should add that I didn't really "refuse" to help, but just made up excuses of why I was unable to that day, like any good people pleaser would.

Any way, to make a long story a little shorter, she ended up having the new boyfriend arrested a couple weeks ago. I won't go into detail over what happened, but when she told me what he did my head blew off my shoulders with anger and I wanted to confront the guy. Now... .I'm not even positive it happened. Maybe it did, but who knows. So she's been broken up with him for a couple weeks. She called me yesterday and asked to meet me for lunch. I couldn't have been happier. I thought I was going to be her knight in shining armour again, and now that I'm familiar with BPD, I thought I'd be able to not make the same mistakes I made the first time around. Except when we met, it was to tell me she was moving out of state, and that I'd probably never see her again. She hugged me, apologized for not always being so nice to me, and then left. That was it. She dropped me on my head for a second time. And I think she probably enjoyed doing it.

I feel like now maybe I've hit rock bottom.  In spite of all the pain this relationship caused, I never stopped loving her. I thought we'd eventually get back together and that now that I was an "expert" in BPD, it would be good this time around. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have not been able to get her off my mind for three years. I need to get her off my mind now, but highly doubt I'll be able to.

I'm hoping the info in these forums can help me out. Thanks.

[C.Stein]

Welcome man and I feel your pain.  My relationship was very similar to yours in the beginning as well, and I fell HARD for her.   I also can't get my mind off of her regardless of how much I want to.  Still feel very attached to her and it is driving me insane. 

Good thing is ... .there is only one direction you can go from rock bottom.  It will get better and these forums will help tremendously. 

[Rg120]

Thanks C. Stein, I appreciate the encouraging words.  You would think with all the lying, gaslighting, all the insults and hurtful things she said to me, that I'd be running from her and glad she's moving. Yet I'm not. I don't get it.

[C.Stein]

Thanks C. Stein, I appreciate the encouraging words.  You would think with all the lying, gaslighting, all the insults and hurtful things she said to me, that I'd be running from her and glad she's moving. Yet I'm not. I don't get it.

I ask myself the same thing.  My ex wasn't nearly as bad as many have reported here, but the hurtful things she did cut deep and they destroyed me and eventually our relationship.  Some of the things she did I wasn't even aware of at the time.  Mine is also moving, so she claims.  She also apparently had replaced me while we were still together which has been the hardest thing for me to accept.   I guess it was easier for her to go to another man than to face what she did to me and our relationship.  Instead of giving me the emotional support I needed she chose to abandon me, first emotionally then permanently. 

It hurts like hell man, I know.  I should be glad it is over but I'm not.  There are some wonderful qualities of my ex that I deeply love and miss.  She truly lit up my life at times and I experienced a bond with her like no other.   It is exceedingly difficult to let that go even in the face of what she has done.  I shared a very personal dream with this woman, one I have never shared with anyone.  She crushed that dream and me along with it.   She has easily discarded me and her feelings for me and not looked back.  I have been deleted from her life like I never existed.  It's like getting repeatedly hit by a bus over and over again ... .my own personal groundhog day and I wish it would stop.

I hope I will get it soon and I hope you will too.

[Rg120]

One of the hardest things for me is knowing she will never be happy. She will never get help and will never address her issues. It will be one chaotic relationship after another. She will never find peace and happiness. Somehow I think this would all be easier to accept if I knew she was going to be happy someday.

[C.Stein]

One of the hardest things for me is knowing she will never be happy. She will never get help and will never address her issues. It will be one chaotic relationship after another. She will never find peace and happiness. Somehow I think this would all be easier to accept if I knew she was going to be happy someday.

I agree man and feel the same.  It brings a great sorrow to my heart knowing that she will most likely never find the true love and happiness she so desperately wants.  She had a real chance at that with me but she just couldn't find a way to stop hurting me.  It wasn't like it was frequent thing either ... .but when she cut, she cut deep and it slowly caused me to distance myself from the pain and consequently her as well.  Anyone with a heart will react the same ... and this will hurt her.  

What she doesn't realize, and I don't think she ever will despite me spelling it out to her, is that she is the architect of her own pain in almost every case.  She has and will continue to systematically destroy everything that is good in her life, not because she wants to but because I think she is truly unaware she is doing it.  On some level she does know she damages those around her but she will always find a reason or excuse for her actions/behavior and will never accept responsibility for her action or the consequences.  This is why the destruction will never stop and she will never be happy.   I even asked her on several occasions why she seemed hell bent to destroy everything that was good in her life.  Any happiness she may be feeling now in the idealization stage that she is likely in is an illusion.  Even the most compliant lap dog in the world will be unable to provide her with what she needs in the end.  

She does not love herself and will always look for someone or something to provide her with the love and happiness that should be coming from within her.   She will never find that true love and happiness because she is looking for it in all the wrong places.  I was trying to help her believe in herself and to love herself and in some ways I think she did make progress.   In the end though it was not enough and as my anxiety, fear and emotional pain grew I stopped being as supportive and communicative as I had been.  In this way I failed her and myself.

[Rg120]

All I can think about today is how that goodbye went yesterday. She told me she loved me and actually gave me the impression she was gonna miss me. And she apologized for all the times she treated me like ___. She was acting like she did when we first met. She said she wants to stay in touch, even though she'll be 1500 miles away, and she wants me to come visit. Talk about mixed signals. My head is spinning. It would have been easier I she just left without saying a word I think. A huge part of me wants to stay in touch with her, even though I know she only wants to keep me on the hook in case she needs a shoulder to cry on at some point. Like she's been doing for the past year. I need to go NC. I know this. I also know I can't do it.

[Rg120]

All I can think about today is how that goodbye went yesterday. She told me she loved me and actually gave me the impression she was gonna miss me. And she apologized for all the times she treated me like ___. She was acting like she did when we first met. She said she wants to stay in touch, even though she'll be 1500 miles away, and she wants me to come visit. Talk about mixed signals. My head is spinning. It would have been easier I she just left without saying a word I think. A huge part of me wants to stay in touch with her, even though I know she only wants to keep me on the hook in case she needs a shoulder to cry on at some point. Like she's been doing for the past year. I need to go NC. I know this. I also know I can't do it.

[C.Stein]

I think 1500 miles makes it pretty final.  Perhaps you should try LC first and if you can't handle it then NC.

[Rg120]

She does not love herself and will always look for someone or something to provide her with the love and happiness that should be coming from within her.   She will never find that true love and happiness because she is looking for it in all the wrong places.  I was trying to help her believe in herself and to love herself and in some ways I think she did make progress.   In the end though it was not enough and as my anxiety, fear and emotional pain grew I stopped being as supportive and communicative as I had been.  In this way I failed her and myself.

I feel like I failed her too.  Can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently to make her stay.  I'm guessing my anxiety, fear, and emotional pain probably helped push her away. 

[C.Stein]

I feel like I failed her too.  Can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently to make her stay.  I'm guessing my anxiety, fear, and emotional pain probably helped push her away. 

In some ways I feel the same.  In others I realize that maybe there was nothing I could have done that would have been good enough ... .or at least without sacrificing myself.  I did sacrifice parts of myself to my ex, which is my fault.  I failed myself before I failed her.

[Rg120]

And what was good enough one day wasn't good enough the next. The thing she loved me for on Monday she's hate me for on Tuesday. I was constantly thinking ahead, trying to anticipate what she was gong to need on a given, agonizing over the proper wording of a text so as not to unintentionally set her off.  Sometimes i would it get it right, and would fee great about it, but most the time I got wrong. I kept coming back for more... .trying to get things right to make her happy, but more often than not ended up being verbally beat down and told about everything that was wrong with me. That i was ruining her life. You mentioned sacrificing yourself, and that's exactly what I was doing. I would have done anything to make her happy, no matter how much abuse I took. I had many opportunities to go no contact, but didn't. Now i sit here In a dark dark place.  The hell I allowed her to create for me. This 1500 miles between us may be the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't want to feel like this anymore.