What I don't understand?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There were plenty of things that I didn't understand about this relationship with my untreated(by her choice) exdBPDgf.

The one thing that I keep thinking about and trying to understand is, Why would she want me to ask her to marry her, when she would sit and devalue me and treat me bad? I would tell her that marriage is about two people who are in love and have the desire to see the other one become more.  But then the question for me is, Why did I sit and try to reason with someone who treated me bad?  I guess the bottom line is that I loved someone who loved me the best she could or knew how to.  I don't know.  I have a lot of confusion today for some reason.  I tried to treat her good all the time or as much as I could. And a lot of the times I was met with hostility or she would tell me that it was too late.  And that I should have done this or that sooner.  It was just so confusing towards the end.  I guess I just needed to vent.   

[WhoMe51]

There were plenty of things that I didn't understand about this relationship with my untreated(by her choice) exdBPDgf.

The one thing that I keep thinking about and trying to understand is, Why would she want me to ask her to marry her, when she would sit and devalue me and treat me bad? I would tell her that marriage is about two people who are in love and have the desire to see the other one become more.  But then the question for me is, Why did I sit and try to reason with someone who treated me bad?  I guess the bottom line is that I loved someone who loved me the best she could or knew how to.  I don't know.  I have a lot of confusion today for some reason.  I tried to treat her good all the time or as much as I could. And a lot of the times I was met with hostility or she would tell me that it was too late.  And that I should have done this or that sooner.  It was just so confusing towards the end.  I guess I just needed to vent.   

[Itstopsnow]

I feel the same way, how long were you together? It's so hard because when the good times were good you felt great! I guess we base our worth on how they treat us. Which is completely wrong bc they are mentally ill and their emotions and feelings change at any time and for a number of reasons. I too feel really low right now. I was with my bf 18 months. 20 if you count post breakup hook ups and overnight trips. It feels now as everything went too fast and too chaotic . And why couldn't I have known about his illness sooner! Or why couldn't he acknowledge something was wrong. But those thoughts aren't true. If your relationship was anything like mine, trouble started right away. Within the first month I saw his jealousy and insecurities . Then within 3 months he started to slightly devalue me and then come back crying professing his love. It was very intoxicating but never healthy . As they progress the lies and manipulations and implusive behaviors get worse not better. I found out at the end he was a serial Cheater! Which blew my world apart, bc we were together always. Try to put things into perspective . These people will never have the ability to give anyone a real chance to love them. And they will run from their feelings forever . Until they can't anymore. But we won't see how that turns out. A real healthy relationship will never make you feel this low or bad. Keep pushing through . I'm hoping I can too 

[WhoMe51]

Itstopsnow,

We were together on and off for about 5 years.  We lived together in the beginning.  I didn't know about BPD until after we separated.  And after we split up, I learned about it, and thought I could help her.  So I got back on the roller coaster and realized that I couldn't help her.  It was just so frustrating to want to help her and she didn't want to help herself.  We got into this break up, make up dysfunctional cycle that seemed to be never ending.  I would stay away and start to feel strong and here she would come again.  I would think that I could do something different (even though my therapist would always tell me that i would get the same results, but I wouldn't listen.).  I always went back and my ex would give me just enough to keep me hooked.  I have been out for a while now, but every once in awhile I have these questions that pop up in my mind.  And since this is a safe place, I know I can come here and ask.

[Joem678]

WhoMe,

What's the longest you were apart?

[WhoMe51]

Joe,

The first separation was for about a month.  I was naive in thinking that I knew enough to help her.  We have been separated for quiet a while now.  I don't know the actual time because I knew if I kept up with it, that I would be tempted to go back.  She has contacted me several times and has even showed up at my house.  I have talked to her a couple of times, but haven't started the relationship again.  The pain is too great.  The last time I talked to her, she started telling me that I am the reason we are not together.  That is partially true.  I got tired of the blaming and shaming she would do to me. 

[Joem678]

In my situation, we are going through our "first" separation technically.  She has strayed but I always chased.  I'm 7 weeks of NC, initiated by me. I understand the confusion.  Did she come back unexpectedly?

I think it has to do with their way of thinking.  Treating us bad or talking bad about us brought on some sort of emotional security of some sort.  This made us try harder because we felt like were not doing enough.  I have learned that a relationship/marriage is work but not this much work and not one-sided.

Joe

[hashtag_loyal]

I didn't know about BPD until after we separated.  And after we split up, I learned about it, and thought I could help her.  So I got back on the roller coaster and realized that I couldn't help her.  It was just so frustrating to want to help her and she didn't want to help herself. 

It's natural to want to help someone else who is suffering. It's hard, but for our own sanity and health, we need to realize that there is nothing we can do to help/fix these pwBPD. Your knowledge of BPD is not for her benefit, but for your own safety.

Think of your r/s with your BPDex like watching a movie, and your knowledge of BPD is the movie's script. Because you have the script, you can follow along and know what comes next, but you can't change any of the scenes no matter how hard you try.

[Moselle]

Hang in there WhoMe51

It's tough to try and my figure things out. And we often want answers as to why they treat us like they do.

There are some BPD's who are considered recovered who can share some insights.

The BPD in general does not want to hurt us, and they do not want to hurt themselves, but they often do both including cutting. Hurting someone else or themselves seems to give them temporary relief from their internal.pain which has been described as a burning - like being out in the sun without any skin. So their internal pain is intense during a dysregulation .

It doesn't condone what they do, but they experience real pain.

It often stems from growing up with a BPD primary carer so it goes from generation to generation  or it can be caused by trauma and or abuse growing up.

I'm no expert but these are some of the things i've read on this site.

I see that you wanted to treat her well. Ironically they lash out particularly at those who love them or treat them well.

I realised with a bit of help that nothing I did for 15 years made one iota of different to how she felt. The damage was done long before I arrived,  and will continue long after I left.