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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Saw her phone  (Read 1093 times)
romancandle
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« on: November 23, 2015, 04:39:06 PM »

so I found an opportunity to confirm my suspicions. She left her phone unattended and I looked. I am all about privacy and I feel bad doing it, but I was right. She has been Sexting a coworker who is married with kids across the country.

I am trying to figure out where I go from here.  I know I have a lot to figure out.  If I am going to be done with this it's going to be awfully messy and she will turn this around on me as something I did, like always.

Does anyone have any advise?  I am not going to act on this information currently because my sons birthday is less than a week away and I don't want his special time to be ruined.  But I have so many issues.

I am having trouble playing it up like I am fine.  I would rather not have his Christmas be a horrible time for him either. Currently she is very dependent on me after another fallout with her family who she won't talk to.

I just need advise.  I don't want whatever happens to make my son in the middle of a bad situation.  I know she sent this guy a lot of pictures and sexual messages and he reciprocated willingly.  Should I contact his wife as well?  I feel bad her having no idea, but I don't know if that is the right thing or not.

Im just trying to figure this out.
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hashtag_loyal
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2015, 06:05:30 PM »

I think you are taking the right approach by deciding to calmly think this out before acting.

Is the pwBPD your son's mother?
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2015, 06:28:28 PM »

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Are you seeing a therapist?
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MapleBob
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« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2015, 06:47:25 PM »

Contacting his wife is only going to make matters worse, and would be pretty far over the line of reasonable boundaries, I'd say. I think that you should wait until after the holidays (if you can), and then confront her about it if it's still an issue by then. I'm so sorry that you found those texts/messages, but at least he's far away. Little consolation, I know.
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babyducks
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« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2015, 07:47:56 PM »

hi romancandle,

I'm also sorry you are experiencing this.   I know you had difficult times this summer with your wife.   

hashtag is correct, take some time to think calmly before you act.   I remember that your wife has escalated to violence before, so the primary number one concern is SAFETY.   Safety first romancandle.    Whatever you do or don't do your health is job one.

Before I get into advice, can I ask some questions?  What do you think her reaction would be when confronted with this?   How could this impact her job?   And how dependent are you on her income?   


'ducks

Tougher questions now.   What do you want?   Do you want to attempt to repair your marriage?   
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romancandle
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« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2015, 09:54:59 PM »

I don't know what I want.  That's one of the reasons for waiting.  If I go with the knee jerk reaction then that is that I'm done with her.  But our son is my primary concern.  I'm not going to put him through some ordeal when this should be a happy times. I don't want him to associate Christmas with his parents splitting up.

But. As far as her reaction. I would expect denial, which will be useless since I have pictures of just a few of what must be pages of texts.  All explicit and very obvious.

I would expect her to probably blame me, it's my fault she chooses to do that. And then she will probably either get angry and point to ways she perceives I deserve her behavior or when she understands I am serious she might threaten to hurt herself.  And you know, if she does I might actually just call the police on her.  Because I am not responsible for protecting her from herself.  She he used that one plenty of times on me when she panics.

I can get out on, but I worry about her using our son as a way to get at me. She he said before she might keep him from me if we broke up.  Which would be really harmful to him.  I am an adult who will have to get through all of the pain she has put me through, and I will eventually.  What keeps me up at night is thinking she will cause emotional damage to our son trying to hurt me.
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romancandle
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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 12:13:35 PM »

I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I went against what I planned and revealed that I knew.

She did exactly what I thought she would and claimed it was my fault and said that is not cheating.  But, at the end of our lunchtime chat I think she realized this is probably it.

I feel horrible now because I know that my sons birthday is in 2 days. I feel like I let him down and it is crushing me.  I just feel like I can't keep being a positive force in his life if I am a wreck on the inside. I care about him more than anything and it was probably selfish to do this now.

She came at me accusing me of all sorts of things and before I knew it I spilled  what I knew.

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MapleBob
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2015, 12:15:23 PM »

I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I went against what I planned and revealed that I knew.

She did exactly what I thought she would and claimed it was my fault and said that is not cheating.  But, at the end of our lunchtime chat I think she realized this is probably it.

I feel horrible now because I know that my sons birthday is in 2 days. I feel like I let him down and it is crushing me.  I just feel like I can't keep being a positive force in his life if I am a wreck on the inside. I care about him more than anything and it was probably selfish to do this now.

She came at me accusing me of all sorts of things and before I knew it I spilled  what I knew.

Oh no! Okay, damage control time: keep your cool until your son's birthday is over. Post here, keep her at arm's length for now... .How's the situation there?
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babyducks
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« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2015, 12:59:28 PM »

Hi romancandle

With the turmoil on your life you will feel some ups and downs.  Probably some extreme ones.   You are doing the best you can with a difficult situation.  Be gentle with yourself.   A couple of recommendations.  First go visit the Legal board and read there.  Learn how to protect yourself and your custody rights should it come to that.   Second, avoid adding any fuel to this fire,  do what you can to  maintain a healthy calm environment for you and your son.  Take a time out if you need to.   Third you are not responsible for her actions.    Sexting  was her decision and can't be turned around to be your fault.
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2015, 03:17:20 PM »

I want to second what baby ducks said, don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault. May I ask again if you are seeing a shrink?
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2015, 07:10:29 AM »

  And, critical that you do some thinking about what you want.  Also switch around the question and ask yourself "what is acceptable?"  Very quickly you need to turn the conversation to solutions to repair your r/s.  Yes, I said repair.  That is different than staying.  You have a child together, therefore you need to have a workable r/s.  Whether or not it is a romantic r/s is your choice.      I hate this for you.          

FF
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Michelle27
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2015, 08:17:16 AM »

I am so sorry.  It was exactly one year ago this week that my ex husband admitted to a year long affair that had happened years earlier exactly when I was dragging us around to 3 different marriage counselors and a couple's communication course.  My instinct when the affair was admitted to was to end things but like you, I couldn't leave Christmas like that with our daughter, who was 10 years old then.  That month was easily the worst of my life.  I did start therapy for myself with a counselor to help process the discovery and to help me make a decision for the future.  But I couldn't do it at Christmas.  I believe that month I came as close to a nervous breakdown as I ever have in my life.  I plastered a smile on my face as much as possible for my kids, and canceled Christmas plans with extended family because of previous drama and put on a nice Christmas for my immediate family only.  I also made many trips to Chapters and bought close to 20 books on recovering a marriage from an affair, BPD relationships, etc...   I immersed myself in reading and doing activities and that helped.  Like you, I didn't want to make a knee jerk reaction.  I did lay down boundaries for really what was the first time in my marriage.  By the end of March he had crossed one and we separated, at first calling it a therapeutic separation.  Still in therapy and still working on me, at the 3 month mark of therapeutic separation, I decided to end it for good and I did.   

Once again, I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  I understand how tough it is.
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cloudten
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2015, 10:13:49 AM »

Ugh... .wow I know how bad all that hurts so much... .to the core.    You aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. It is absolutely cheating. It is absolutely the most painful thing to go through. I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

If I was that guy's wife, I would want to know- but some women don't. I would probably leave their end of it alone. Just deal with your gf/wife. 

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Just my opinion, and I have never been a big one for holidays, but who cares that its Christmas? The world doesn't stop. If you leave now, you might have the best Christmas ever!  Every holiday, every birthday, every event I ever spent with my BPD was full of rages and anxiety and pain.  Why should you fake it through the holidays? Why not take care of you and what you want right now. You need to be selfish for your son and for yourself.  You need to protect you and your son first and foremost.

She has made her bed with her family... .She has made her bed with this guy... .let her be responsible for the consequences of her actions.  There is no such thing as unconditional love. All love has conditions... .and she broke the conditions.  Please take care of your son and yourself!
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