Some reconciliation

[Infern0]

Well today we exchanged words for the first time in 2 weeks.

I kept it brief, (she asked to talk) and friendly.

Basis of it was we both made mistakes, but we agreed to bury the hatchet

Not sure what comes next, I need time for me, and to work on myself further so i'm not going to pursue, plus i don't know if there's other guys on the scene or whatever. But i guess the door is maybe open for down the line.

As i say in the meantime i need to focus on me and getting better myself.

[livednlearned]

Hi Infern0,

That's a relief to hear she was able to take some responsibility, that you were both able to do that.

What does non-pursuit mean to you?

Are you doing anything now to focus on yourself that helped you get to this point?

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0,

That's a relief to hear she was able to take some responsibility, that you were both able to do that.

What does non-pursuit mean to you?

Are you doing anything now to focus on yourself that helped you get to this point?

Hi, non pursuit is to me simply i don't want to jump back into a relationship right at this moment, maybe later if it's an option but not right this instant. Also I am happy to be friendly but I don't want much contact with her at this stage. It's something that can maybe be worked on later, but right now i do need to work on me, and i'd like help with that. So basically i'll reply to her but i won't initiate anything.

For my side I have arranged some counselling so that's something i havent had for a year, my last counsiller had the attitude of "go nc and all your issues will be over" but i don't belive that so hopefully this new one has some better ideas.

[Skip]

Letting things chill makes a lot of sense.  You two have been through so many recycles, recycles are normal part of the relationship, and that is a dangerous "status quo" dynamic.

Stepping back and looking at this, what are the pros and cons of going forward.  Things are clam now, its a good time to do the list and share.

[Infern0]

Letting things chill makes a lot of sense.  You two have been through so many recycles, recycles are normal part of the relationship, and that is a dangerous "status quo" dynamic.

Stepping back and looking at this, what are the pros and cons of going forward.  Things are clam now, its a good time to do the list and share.

Ok so far i have

PROS

I do love her

We have survived a lot together

she has improved me as a person somewhat

i feel she can improve

i feel i can improve

we are very happy together when things are good

sex is great

Cons

communication is hard

surviving it would mean i need to do more work on myself

the relationship may never be able to work long term

she may never decide to get the help she needs

I feel a massive crash is impending when she begins study net year (based on past experiences)

my friends all dislike her

That's my list so far.

To be honest i feel that largely, the success or failure is down to if i can get my act together. Don't get me wrong she definatley has issues, but if i'm truthful, i ruined this last "cycle" with neurotic behaviour.

[patientandclear]

Not sure it's helpful to think of your behavior as "neurotic."  Telling someone you love them and being upset about parallel intimate relationships is not neurotic.  It may cause her to flee, true, but pathologizing your own healthy and self-protective reactions seems confusing and self-punishing.

Good luck.

[livednlearned]

if i'm truthful, i ruined this last "cycle" with neurotic behaviour.

Can you tell us more what you mean by neurotic behaviour? Neurotic/neuroses is defined on Wikipedia as a fundamental personality trait characterized by anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy and jealousy.

[Grey Kitty]

Cons

surviving it would mean i need to do more work on myself

the relationship may never be able to work long term

I don't see those two as cons. The first one--the work on yourself--is absolutely a bonus. The work you do on yourself to be successful in this relationship will help you just as much when you aren't in a relationship, or in your next one.

As a result of what I did to make my marriage work, I've learned a TON about avoiding unneeded invalidation, really refined my boundary enforcement abilities, and become far more validating than I used to be. All of these things are serving me very well as my marriage is winding down.

And any relationship is uncertain as to its long term future. That is the intrinsic risk of being in a relationship.

communication is hard

she may never decide to get the help she needs

I feel a massive crash is impending when she begins study net year (based on past experiences)

my friends all dislike her

Even the communication difficulties are a chance for you to learn, although they may be ultimately fatal to the relationship. (I've ended one relationship because I couldn't communicate with her on relationship issues. I honestly think it is 98% her problem, but I know I'm done fighting that battle.)

That your friends dislike her somehow seems like the toughest one of the bunch.

[Infern0]

if i'm truthful, i ruined this last "cycle" with neurotic behaviour.

Can you tell us more what you mean by neurotic behaviour? Neurotic/neuroses is defined on Wikipedia as a fundamental personality trait characterized by anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy and jealousy.

I would say that's a pretty good analysis

To explain when we were first working at getting back together I was relaxed, at ease and just letting it happen which was working very well, she was actually Pursuing me and asked me to go away with her to trial us getting back together.

Where it started to go wrong was when I found she had slept with someone at the start of us talking again. Which technically no foul as we were not in a commuted relationship at all, but it triggered my insecurities

The following few weeks I lost all my confidence, began chasing and she backed away rapidly. I stopped working out, eating etc. As I was fearful I would lose her again I kind of made it happen subconsciously.

Had I rolled off the fact she'd slept with someone when we weren't togetherness, wed likely be together now

[Skip]

Had I rolled off the fact she'd slept with someone when we weren't togetherness, wed likely be together now

It's not an easy thing - but as you say, you were broken up.

Is she a pretty independent person who likes her space and places the relationship lower of her importance scale. Are you a person that likes a greater deal of closeness and places the relationship higher on the importance scale? Does this dynamic exacerbate your anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy and jealousy to uncomfortable and destructive levels?

If you both don't change, is this always going to be tension. If you lay back to make her comfortable, will it grind at you?  If you react, will it break things down.

And vice versa with her. If she try to accommodate you, will she feel engulfed?

Is something like this possibly at the root of the reoccurring and breakups?  If it is, then a biggest question to answer before you take another run at things is how do you two address this?  Given her independence, is she mostly wanting you too do the changing?

What do you think?

[Infern0]

Had I rolled off the fact she'd slept with someone when we weren't togetherness, wed likely be together now

It's not an easy thing - but as you say, you were broken up.

Is she a pretty independent person who likes her space and places the relationship lower of her importance scale. Are you a person that likes a greater deal of closeness and places the relationship higher on the importance scale? Does this dynamic exacerbate your anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy and jealousy to uncomfortable and destructive levels?

If you both don't change, is this always going to be tension. If you lay back to make her comfortable, will it grind at you?  If you react, will it break things down.

And vice versa with her. If she try to accommodate you, will she feel engulfed?

Is something like this possibly at the root of the reoccurring and breakups?  If it is, then a biggest question to answer before you take another run at things is how do you two address this?  Given her independence, is she mostly wanting you too do the changing?

What do you think?

To be honest skip, she has changed somewhat in the time I have known her and in fact swings one way then the next. At times she can be highly clingy then at other times distant or needing space. I think a lot of it depends on her attraction level etc. If she's happy then she wants to be close if not she pushes.

I think the key is in me gaining the ability to ride these cycles and not panic.

Push/pull basically.

[Grey Kitty]

I think the key is in me gaining the ability to ride these cycles and not panic.

Push/pull basically.

The other question is whether you are willing to put up with a relationship that has this sort of push/pull cycle in it. Because she isn't likely to change that cycle.

[Skip]

I think the key is in me gaining the ability to ride these cycles and not panic.

What are you thinking to do differently?

[Infern0]

I think the key is in me gaining the ability to ride these cycles and not panic.

What are you thinking to do differently?

I need to stop looking to the relationship as my source of happiness?

Put more focus on myself and my needs, focus on taking care of myself and not letting my moods be dependent on hers.

When i'm being strong i can handle things very well, an example would be when we first were talking again, i was in a good place and she made a call to me when she was upset about things, she made some devaluing statements to me and my reply was "i know you are having a hard time right now and i understand that, but we are on the same side remember, so don't take this stuff out on me, otherwise i can hang up and you can call me when you are ready to talk properly"

She responded to that very well and actually complimented me on how well i "handled her"

but when i lose it and go to bits it does not work.