I screwed up, help me...

[wellnowonder]

I really messed up.  I contacted soon to be exBPDh, after 3 months no contact because of a protective order I filed.  Please don't judge me.  Everyday I wake up in a brand new world.  We live in a fairly small town and we have crossed paths at least 3 times since.  The last time I saw him in public he stalled and waited and waited for me to say something but I just drove away, like I knew I should.

Everyday has been up and down a million times.  It's taken me a week or so to admit this screw up here.  For the first time in forever I feel so secure in myself and completely okay with exBPDh idk I thought maybe we could come together for the holidays for the kiddos. 

So Thanksgiving I let the kiddos call him from my blocked # nightly.  I step outside while they have this convo.  Our oldest is incredibly angry w/ him and I can't let this snowball or be a barrier between that relationship, right?  I've began looking into therapy but thought maybe if they could communicate things will be more resolvable.  My oldest won't even confide in me her feelings involving her father and that's a sign to me we need help.  But I will "fix" what I can in the mean time.

[Turkish]

Well, it is what it is. It must be incredibly tough since it sounds like you have full custody right now. Processing your own feelings is hard enough. However, you have the PO in place for a good reason. His r/s with the kids is his business, and vice-versa. Did the want to call their dad, especially the eldest?

What do you feel that you need to fix?

[Mutt]

My oldest won't even confide in me her feelings involving her father and that's a sign to me we need help.

Hi wellnowonder,

I can see how that would be hard to talk about. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I find that my D9 is loyal to me. She doesn't talk a lot about mom but she does from time to time. I let the kids talk about mom around me so that they don't think that she's a taboo subject. I validate their feelings. I find that validation helps with getting them to share with dad.

[wellnowonder]

Well, it is what it is. It must be incredibly tough since it sounds like you have full custody right now. Processing your own feelings is hard enough. However, you have the PO in place for a good reason. His r/s with the kids is his business, and vice-versa. Did the want to call their dad, especially the eldest?

What do you feel that you need to fix?

Thank you.  I do have full custody of both our kids.  Our oldest has has physical disabilities and she is right around 100lbs. now and I am really starting to struggle and worry about our future and how much I can do.  He only has 3rd visitation rights through his mother which he has only excercised 4 times in the last 3 months for maybe a total of 3 hours.  I realize his relationship with our kids is in his hands and so does his Mom.  She told me she would stop reaching out to him when our kids came to see her.  She told me she hopes I find a better man who can be a father to them.  Because of exUBPDh her and I have so many trust issues to work through but I think she is at her wits' end w/ him as well.

Idk, I will always feel guilt for what my kids have to go through. I will do whatever I can to fix things for them.  I know its not my place and I'm hoping I can accept that again. Yes, PO was the best thing I have done for myself and it took me years to do it.  I know he wouldn't ever harm our kids but his absence is doing enough damage and his behavoir in the past was pretty harmful.  Reality check:  When I mentioned how our oldest was hurt and I never thought things would turn out this way his response was "You never should have stopped loving me."  So many things wrong there, I ran outside in tears after reading that email.  We have two daughters together and God forbid I let them marry a man like him someday.  At the same time I want to teach them the value of forgiveness and acceptance?  I'm not sure where to draw the line. 

[wellnowonder]

My oldest won't even confide in me her feelings involving her father and that's a sign to me we need help.

Hi wellnowonder,

I can see how that would be hard to talk about. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I find that my D9 is loyal to me. She doesn't talk a lot about mom but she does from time to time. I let the kids talk about mom around me so that they don't think that she's a taboo subject. I validate their feelings. I find that validation helps with getting them to share with dad.

Thank you, Mutt.  My kiddos support me and are loyal in every way, everyday.  They are my cheerleaders, I think not only do they have their own problems to deal with but they sense I hurt too.  I try to hard to protect them from my emotions but I know I have slipped up a few times and made smart comments about their Dad.  And I know they have probably heard me numerous times explaining to friends, family, and even their schoolteachers and other adults involved in their lives about what is going on.

Before each visit w/ their Dad I remind them to have a good time and enjoy visits because he loves them so much and enjoys it too.  It was not until a week and a half ago our oldest had a melt down and told me she hated him but would not elaborate why and I just told her its ok, she doesn't have to talk to me but we will find an adult for her to talk to about it and she was completely on board with this idea.  I just thought maybe reopening a daily connection would help in the mean time.

He did end up buying her an iphone and it should arrive tomorrow.  Still tonight, when the kids called him he forwarded our call immediately to voicemail.  An hour later he messages me and tells me he never saw or heard calls.  I know he is in a "serious" relationship (3rd or 4th) since May, and that maybe his gf is not exactly thrilled about the sudden phone calls.   She is part of the reason I had to get a PO in the first place as she threatened me based off silly things he told her.  They have been living together since a week or so after I filed PO.  Which is probably a week or so after they went on first date... .

He won't admit to his Mom who she is because he is too embarassed and he even promised me the girls would never meet her.  But I did tell him if they get married we have to get on the same page and I have to know our kids are safe with them.

And everytime a memory comes up w/ their Dad, I love it and embrace it and entertain them like he was still around.  I think its become a coping mechanism and a way for us to bond w/ their losses :/

[Mutt]

I know that its not easy. I went through depression and the anger stage of grieving immediately after my ex left. I sensed that my D9 picked up on my feelings and parenting was hard when I had an emotional wound.

I recall what my P told me in a session and she said that my ex wife and myself are now two separate constellations. I didn't agree with how my ex wife introduced her boyfriend three weeks after we seperated because she wasn't thinking about our kids feelings and the effect it would have on the kids.

Three relationships in a year is a lot and it telegraphs that he's not secure with being alone, impulsive and lacks stability. I didn't agree with my ex wife's choices but my P had a point, we are two separate families. I think that it also goes both ways because my ex wife often criticizes me if the kids are doing particularly well. I think that she has a very critical inner voice that she projects on others because she feels bad with the positive things that I do for the kids. Her thoughts are very rigid and life is flexible and is in the grey area. Its my household and she doesn't have a voice. I choose to give my kids a secure and stable environment.

I think that's a good idea to have the kids talk to neutral person. They may feel loyal and worry about your feelings. A therapist is a good idea and maybe they could talk to a school counselor? I encourage my kids to talk to a teacher or school counselor if they fee like they need to talk to someone that is not mom or dad.  Kids are always watching us and sometimes things fall through the cracks.

You're thinking about getting help for the kids with therapists. Are you talking to a T for yourself?

[Moselle]

Hang in there Wellnowonder.

We all make mistakes. And sometimes our mistakes turn out ok in the end.

[ForeverDad]

Counseling is good.  If they don't have counselors yet, for general purposes the school counselors ought to be helpful resources too.

I would suggest you be cautious in telling the children the disordered parent loves them.  Or at least not without including that the other parent has significant issues that impact the parent-child relationship.  Otherwise the child could be confused with the conflicting messages and observed behaviors.  That's my observation, love does not excuse or validate the poor behaviors and children may have a hard time discerning the difference.

Also, since you have a PO, be careful not to weaken it by feeling sorry for the other parent or the children.  Be aware of your boundaries, understand them, figure out what you can do or allow without sabotaging the PO order.

[Ulysses]

I would suggest you be cautious in telling the children the disordered parent loves them.

I would agree with this suggestion.  I made the mistake when we were still married and then separated, of telling the children how hard their dad works (we were still married, I was a stay at home mom who worked part-time in the evenings, and he was having an affair, conducted during business hours, going on "business trips" that weren't anything to do with business - they were vacations with his affair partner), and then, when he stopped coming home, and then when we separated, that he loves them.  I realized pretty quickly, when I saw his neglect and bizarre behaviors, especially when we separated, that they were going to have a pretty skewed view of love.  And that I can't speak for his feelings.  So I stopped, and only concerned myself with my actions and emotions, and how I communicated love to my children.  While I would like to warn my children of their D's mental and emotional problems, I don't speak about it with them, because I'm concerned it will damage their relationship with him, hurt their self esteem (if they think I'm bashing him), and that I could be accused of parental alienation.  Both of my children are in therapy, so I am hopeful that is helping them.

[wellnowonder]

I know that its not easy. I went through depression and the anger stage of grieving immediately after my ex left. I sensed that my D9 picked up on my feelings and parenting was hard when I had an emotional wound.

I recall what my P told me in a session and she said that my ex wife and myself are now two separate constellations. I didn't agree with how my ex wife introduced her boyfriend three weeks after we seperated because she wasn't thinking about our kids feelings and the effect it would have on the kids.

Three relationships in a year is a lot and it telegraphs that he's not secure with being alone, impulsive and lacks stability. I didn't agree with my ex wife's choices but my P had a point, we are two separate families. I think that it also goes both ways because my ex wife often criticizes me if the kids are doing particularly well. I think that she has a very critical inner voice that she projects on others because she feels bad with the positive things that I do for the kids. Her thoughts are very rigid and life is flexible and is in the grey area. Its my household and she doesn't have a voice. I choose to give my kids a secure and stable environment.

I think that's a good idea to have the kids talk to neutral person. They may feel loyal and worry about your feelings. A therapist is a good idea and maybe they could talk to a school counselor? I encourage my kids to talk to a teacher or school counselor if they fee like they need to talk to someone that is not mom or dad.  Kids are always watching us and sometimes things fall through the cracks.

You're thinking about getting help for the kids with therapists. Are you talking to a T for yourself?

Thanks again Mutt.  I have seriously considered T but of course I find myself excuses and convince myself I am coping although I am in completely foreign territory, especially now that we are splitting w/ kids involved.  I have known about BPD for 3-4 years and read every book I could get my hands on and worked through a lot of the steps and read hundreds of posts on this website.  Early on while I was still commited to marriage, it became too overwhelming and hard and depressing to deal with so I disappeared till things really fell apart. 

Now that I have come to terms with what is, I'm back for support.  I keep rewriting this post and putting it off for another day because there is so much that needs to be explained.  I feel like my situation is so crazy nobody would understand my 10 paragraph reply but I know here is where ppl do understand.

So I will say that my ex said since the day he left us for someone else, that he is glad I am his childrens' mother.  I brought this up to him again and asked if he trusts I am doing things right for our kids and he said yes, completely.  Says I am a great mother, etc. etc.  So I'm beginning to get confused.  Because over the last 6mos. I have received screenshots from our friends and family of crap he is talking about me, being completely painted black. 

He told me showing up in court was not worth the fight re. PO.  There was no fight in his mind. 

So its heartbreaking to hear your battles when you are doing the right thing no doubt.  Maybe I don't have it as bad or maybe I am just too naive?  Seeing myself write this confirms I am being played as usual.

[wellnowonder]

Hang in there Wellnowonder.

We all make mistakes. And sometimes our mistakes turn out ok in the end.

Thank you   I feel like this will washover and workout in the end.

[bravhart1]

It's amazing when you write things down for others to read how often it becomes clear where you've gone wrong. That's part of why I'm here.

For me it's self pity for having to deal with my DH's ex.

You prob deal with a lot of guilt, especially at giving your children a not great dad. We've all been there, but it gets better. You have to move past it. You have to forgive yourself and make you and the kids the most important people in your life. The one thing I get when I read the posts here, and the big thing I struggle with myself, is that people with BPD are very good at getting you to think more about them than yourself. It's not normal, it's not healthy, but it's reality. They pull it off somehow. Hell I don't even know the BPD in my life really but she's in my head. That's why we're here. To get them out, to get better.

[wellnowonder]

Counseling is good.  If they don't have counselors yet, for general purposes the school counselors ought to be helpful resources too.

I would suggest you be cautious in telling the children the disordered parent loves them.  Or at least not without including that the other parent has significant issues that impact the parent-child relationship.  Otherwise the child could be confused with the conflicting messages and observed behaviors.  That's my observation, love does not excuse or validate the poor behaviors and children may have a hard time discerning the difference.

Also, since you have a PO, be careful not to weaken it by feeling sorry for the other parent or the children.  Be aware of your boundaries, understand them, figure out what you can do or allow without sabotaging the PO order.

I absolutely agree.  I feel like his behavoir is screwing them up and I am complicating matters by reminding him he loves them.  I think our oldest daughter's anger stems from her sense of what is right and wrong and I need to find a neutral source of validation for that.  It takes everything in me to not tell them their fathers' problems stem from his parents' early childhood divorce, but that's out of my hands at this point, I can't and have no right to say that.

As far as PO I just had to play dirty and told ex husband I had two judges and an ADA supporting us (in reality, the absolute truth) and that if he mentioned this to anyone we would both be in serious trouble.  I know that's manipulative but it seems to have worked.  I also told him I would show his current g/f "soulmate" all the texts that synced with our daughters' tablet, of his texts to and from other "soulmate" who has BPD, but is in therapy and stopped contact w/ him almost as soon as I did.  He ended up repaying me some back child support, promised the rest next.  Honestly, money is no issue for me or the kids but his responsibility as a father is. And yes I know that's not my place or responsibilty to make him do right by our kids, but I will not be the crazy ex who prevented anything productive or progressive either.

[wellnowonder]

Counseling is good.  If they don't have counselors yet, for general purposes the school counselors ought to be helpful resources too.

I would suggest you be cautious in telling the children the disordered parent loves them.  Or at least not without including that the other parent has significant issues that impact the parent-child relationship.  Otherwise the child could be confused with the conflicting messages and observed behaviors.  That's my observation, love does not excuse or validate the poor behaviors and children may have a hard time discerning the difference.

Also, since you have a PO, be careful not to weaken it by feeling sorry for the other parent or the children.  Be aware of your boundaries, understand them, figure out what you can do or allow without sabotaging the PO order.

Absolutely and definitely heeding this advice.  Thank you ForeverDad!

[wellnowonder]

It's amazing when you write things down for others to read how often it becomes clear where you've gone wrong. That's part of why I'm here.

For me it's self pity for having to deal with my DH's ex.

You prob deal with a lot of guilt, especially at giving your children a not great dad. We've all been there, but it gets better. You have to move past it. You have to forgive yourself and make you and the kids the most important people in your life. The one thing I get when I read the posts here, and the big thing I struggle with myself, is that people with BPD are very good at getting you to think more about them than yourself. It's not normal, it's not healthy, but it's reality. They pull it off somehow. Hell I don't even know the BPD in my life really but she's in my head. That's why we're here. To get them out, to get better.

Thank you, incredibly true.  Talked to uBPDex yesterday for the first time in 3-4 months verbally yesterday and 99% of the conversation was about him and his struggles to pay child support and how hard he is trying and why he can't get a better job.  What am I spending money on?  I have every single receipt complied in 2 shoe boxes thank you! Basically: Blah, blah blah.  Thank you for the reminder of how good they are at what they can do and how that affects everyone directly or indirectly involved, smh.  Just another day to learn how to relive... .