Introduction - advice welcome

[Jules354]

Hello.

As with lots of relationships there is a complicated history and mistakes made by both parties.  I cannot pinpoint exactly when my relationship with my sister started to deteriorate.  We were very different children, she was a super high flyer academically and in sport.  I was more adept socially and capable academically and in sport.  I can things of examples in our childhood when we were very mean to each other but also times when we were caring and protective towards each other.  I just assumed it was a growing up process. 

I am trying to explain the different reasons why my sister feels such anger towards me but when I feel like it is raking over petty reasons but I will bullet point to provide an overview:

- I ruined her wedding.

- I hurt her by not having her children to the evening meal at our wedding breakfast.

- I am jealous of her

- our mother loves me more

The first two points I could of dealt with things differently and with hindsight I would have changed a few decisions as the fallout has been so great for our family.  The latter points I cannot address but I do refute them.  The issues is that following my wedding my sister made me leave the family home before she would bring her family (this was 3 years ago) and that she sends me the most vicious hurtful emails.  I have not responded emotionally to the emails and when she refused to be part of a family celebration for our mothers 70 and when I organised a surprise party with one of our other sisters she went crazy at our mother for excluding her once more.  At that point I wrote an email to explain that I had organised it and maybe in the future we could start sending small notes to each other to help rebuild our relationship. The following year I had my baby daughter so I sent her photos and birthday wishes.  In May this year our father almost died and she came out to Prague and we all stayed together and although a worrying time we all got on well and she seemed relaxed.  It felt like we had finally moved on and although we still have a fragile relationship it was an improvement and something to work on. I have sent some correspondence and photos etc and no response but I assumed she was just busy and stressed.  However the next family get together mum had organised an apartment for us to share and she has gone ballistic again and refusing to attend raking over the same issues.

I am conscious I have a part to play and I just want to try and understand how to behave and some pointers so not be active in the drama triangle.  I feel by not engaging in conversations regarding situations where we both have made mistakes is not fuelling the fire but the fire just keeps burning.

Advice welcomed.

[Kwamina]

Hi Jules354

Sorry to hear you are having these difficulties in your relationship with your sister. It is sad and unfortunate when we have close family-members who for whatever reason are difficult to get along with.

I am trying to explain the different reasons why my sister feels such anger towards me but when I feel like it is raking over petty reasons but I will bullet point to provide an overview:

- I ruined her wedding.

- I hurt her by not having her children to the evening meal at our wedding breakfast.

- I am jealous of her

- our mother loves me more

The first two points I could of dealt with things differently and with hindsight I would have changed a few decisions as the fallout has been so great for our family.

Hindsight is 20/20. We all make mistakes. It's always easier to have all the right answers after the event has already happened, much harder when you are right in the middle of it though. Dealing with someone with BPD can be quite tricky and none of us are born with the knowledge and skills necessary for this. We learn this as we go along, often through a process of trial and error. Once we know better, we can do better.

I am curious though if you genuinely feel that you did anything wrong back then or is it mostly because of the consequences those events have had that you now say you would have done certain things differently? What would you have done differently looking back at these events?

 The latter points I cannot address but I do refute them.

People with BPD often struggle with distorted thinking and distorted perceptions of reality. It could very well be that in your sister's mind, her statements/accusations are very valid. What does your mother say about your sister's behavior?

I am sorry that your father almost died this year, that must have been a tough period for all of you. How is your dad doing now?

I am conscious I have a part to play and I just want to try and understand how to behave and some pointers so not be active in the drama triangle.  I feel by not engaging in conversations regarding situations where we both have made mistakes is not fuelling the fire but the fire just keeps burning.

I think it's positive that you are able to acknowledge how your own behaviors/responses might be contributing to the problems in your relationship with your sister. This is something people often find difficult to acknowledge, but I think it is very important though. We cannot change or control the other person, but we can control our own behavior, specifically our responses to the BPD person in our lives. We have an article here about things we ourselves can do to end the cycle of conflict, I think you might find it interesting:

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

I encourage you to keep posting here and also to read other members' stories. We have many members here with BPD siblings and I think you can benefit from reading their stories. Take care and welcome to our online community

[HappyChappy]

Life with a sibling with BPD is very hard, mine has NPD, so you have my sympathies. Having read your examples, I don’t believe your sisters accusations are founded in anything other that jealousy. But a BPD can be permanently jealous about something or other. A BPD will continually find fault, it puts us on the back foot and gives them control. They will often focus on the big events, like weddings, to do this sort of thing. Mainly because they don’t see any value in celebrations that don’t centre on them. So your sisters behaviour is very A typical of being a BPD, and less a reflection on your behaviour. 

Whatever had happened at your weddings, she would have found fault. So the solution is to become cold to this, switch off, ignore it. Harder said than done, but when I see my son wind up his sister, clearly he only does this to see her protest. If you stop protesting and become cold and boring, they tend to target someone else, because they need to get a rise.  So  change the topic of conversation, leave the room. I would say, ignore the details of what she is complaining about (unless it is widely accepted by others) and focus on how you deal with it. I know this is easier said than done, but my life is so much better having learnt how to. A BPD the age I’m guessing your sister is, is unlikely to change. But you can change how you react to this. I would also back up all the points the diplomatic Kwamina made. Welcome to the board and do let us know how you get one.