I'm heartbroken and trying to not contact my ex-partner- help me be strong

[hopeful4happy]

Just out of a 7 month relationship with a man who, my counselor thinks is BPD... looking back, it is so clear now... but, I'm still feeling the urge to text him back and try and beg for another chance... we have done this back and forth for close to a month now, and were intimate about 10 days ago, when he also asked me to marry him... less than 24 hrs later he just wanted to be friends and less than a week later "has found someone new, and better for him" ... .yet, he still texts me flirty or hurtful texts out of the blue... I don't feel strong enough to let go... how do I do it? my head knows that he isn't who I hoped he would be and our relationship is toxic, but, it was so good and intense, too... and I miss it! HELP!

[livednlearned]

Hi hopeful4happy,

Welcome to bpdfamily 

It's pretty common to feel a strong tug toward our partners -- after all, the heady idealization in the beginning is hard to beat. We want to get back to that place. Even when things go wrong, we experience protest behaviors and anxiety abandonment.

What happened this last time to make you feel like you're ready to end it? Can you let us know what happens when you cycle back into the relationship, whether it's you or him initiating?

Glad you're here. It's tough to do these relationships alone. 

LnL

[Concerns]

I read a book once about healing a broken heart. Certainly, a good piece was dedicated to falling back into the good feelings we had about them and disregarding all the bad things that led to the breakup. A good suggestion was to make a list of the bad things that effected you while you were in the relationship. This acts as a buffer against the feelings that may pull us back in. The intensity, it seems, fulfills some idealized notion of what a relationship should be but often its just an apparition. I would also visualize what the future relationship would look like? Trust your instincts and try not to get pulled into the promise of "things being better later" because it feels good right now. I think it is also a good opportunity to look at yourself and figure out why you feel the need to be treated so poorly? We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect yet we will sacrifice our own dignity for scraps. A relationship isn't two people making each other whole. It's two whole people coming together to make a life with each other. Even if you don't feel that it's true, you are worth it. You deserve a good, happy life. You only get one shot at it.

[JaneStorm]

I was about 6 - 7 months in when I was where you are at now. I caved in and that bought me ANOTHER 7 months of the same to the 4th power and the frequency increased to where there was not a day that went by when we were together that he did not succumb to his illness at my expense. I like the list advice; I will do that also.

[guy4caligirl]

I feel with you and by finding this site you made a good step towards healing but am afraid it will take some times and you will be okay , the more you read the better it is to recover ,post as much as you want to ,we all will here to help you coop with this unusual and painful way of ending a romantic relationship with an EBPD .

Is he a diagnosed  BPD ?

[JaneStorm]

Just out of a 7 month relationship with a man who, my counselor thinks is BPD... looking back, it is so clear now... but, I'm still feeling the urge to text him back and try and beg for another chance... we have done this back and forth for close to a month now, and were intimate about 10 days ago, when he also asked me to marry him... less than 24 hrs later he just wanted to be friends and less than a week later "has found someone new, and better for him" ... .yet, he still texts me flirty or hurtful texts out of the blue... I don't feel strong enough to let go... how do I do it? my head knows that he isn't who I hoped he would be and our relationship is toxic, but, it was so good and intense, too... and I miss it! HELP!

I posted this in another thread but this article helped clear out my hope of change with my individual. I love him and miss him; however, I realize that like any addiction, I will never get back to the first "high".

www.psychologyoftheself.com/eforum/11_krett_01.php