Irritability, prickliness, anger. It's not rage, but it's also not normal.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm wondering if this is a common trait with BPD. We all know about the rages (blowups, meltdowns, explosions, tantrums -- whatever you want to call them). What about the sub-rage anger? My wife often seems to be ranging from excessively irritated to barely keeping fury in check, over the most minor of things.

Here's an example to illustrate the point. She had run out of calcium supplements. I suggested she pick some up at the store the next day, and she complained that she didn't have time. To be nice, I said I would pick them up.

Yesterday, she told me she had bought calcium. I said I had bought some, too. Instantly, her face changed. Her mouth tightened and pursed, as if she was biting back an angry comment. She said, "Well, I wish I had known you were going to do that, because then I wouldn't have had to make a trip."

I said I could return the calcium. Or we could just have two bottles.

She went on, essentially making all of her complaints about the day the fault of the extra bottle of calcium. She said she didn't eat all day, and didn't get her work done. This went on for a few minutes. She was pretty upset but controlled. She finished off with a general complaint that we don't communicate, this is why our marriage has problems, and so on.

This is incredibly common. It's not a full-blown rage, but it's irrational anger over just about anything. It can lead to rage if I try to JADE, but it also pretty much shuts down any other more normal communication. (She doesn't just complain for a minute then let it go  -- it can poison the rest of the day.)

Anyone else have this experience?

[flourdust]

I'm wondering if this is a common trait with BPD. We all know about the rages (blowups, meltdowns, explosions, tantrums -- whatever you want to call them). What about the sub-rage anger? My wife often seems to be ranging from excessively irritated to barely keeping fury in check, over the most minor of things.

Here's an example to illustrate the point. She had run out of calcium supplements. I suggested she pick some up at the store the next day, and she complained that she didn't have time. To be nice, I said I would pick them up.

Yesterday, she told me she had bought calcium. I said I had bought some, too. Instantly, her face changed. Her mouth tightened and pursed, as if she was biting back an angry comment. She said, "Well, I wish I had known you were going to do that, because then I wouldn't have had to make a trip."

I said I could return the calcium. Or we could just have two bottles.

She went on, essentially making all of her complaints about the day the fault of the extra bottle of calcium. She said she didn't eat all day, and didn't get her work done. This went on for a few minutes. She was pretty upset but controlled. She finished off with a general complaint that we don't communicate, this is why our marriage has problems, and so on.

This is incredibly common. It's not a full-blown rage, but it's irrational anger over just about anything. It can lead to rage if I try to JADE, but it also pretty much shuts down any other more normal communication. (She doesn't just complain for a minute then let it go  -- it can poison the rest of the day.)

Anyone else have this experience?

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[Wu-tang]

I can completely empathise. My exgf was the same. She never fully raged but would always be very irritable and snappy over the slightest thing.

For example, I offered to make a cup of coffee and filled the kettle. She got annoyed (while trying to keep it together) and told me I had filled the kettle too much?

Another time she told me she needed items from the shop so I said I would grab them for her if she gave me the money. She immediately went moody and it wasn't until later she told me she had taken exception to me asking for money like she wasn't going to pay. I was so confused over a seemingly innocuous comment.

There are plenty of othet examples. I told her she was irritable and snappy and she conceded she could be. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells for fear of saying something that she would take umbrage to no matter how innocent. I learnt the sort of things she would get irritable at and so sort of suppressed myself.

This only got more common after idealisation when I had let my guard down.

[maxsterling]

Replace "calcium" with "athlete's foot cream" and I could have written the exact same story.  Wow.  the cost of having the extra cream?  $1 at the dollar store. 

Yes, my W is the same way.  She seems and acts irritated with almost anything.  Sometimes she may not be feeling irritated, but her demeanor, facial expression, tone, and word choice portray that.  I think it pushes many friends and co-workers away.

If W would only get angry at things that deserve it, it would be easier to validate.  But 90% of the things are acts of god, everyday occurrences, or things she has control over.  In other words, it's not just that she complains because a co-worker is a jerk, but acts irritated that she even has to work at all.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband can also quickly be irritated by things that seem so unimportant to me. He also frequently wears a grim expression on his face so that he looks annoyed.

[Hope26]

Hello, Flourdust and WuTanger.  While there are others on this board more experienced than I, I do suspect this is a common trait with BPD, based on my own experience and what I've read here.  When they are in their bad moods, nothing is too trivial to upset them and cause ongoing anger and irritability.  If I am straightening up UPDh's clutter and put something where he can't immediately find it, there can be hell to pay.   So our house just remains cluttered for more of the time than I would like.  This is just one example, as I'm sure yours are.  I do 'walk on eggshells' a lot, to keep from triggering him.  Still, anything you do can be the wrong thing if they are in one of those moods where the 'dark side' is dominant.  Like 'overfilling' the kettle, or buying that bottle of calcium, or any other action you may take in an attempt to be helpful.  It is so frustrating, when you know your motivation was in the right place, and was completely unacceptable to me before I learned about BPD.  Now I just try to accept some of these behaviors so I can choose my battles wisely when necessary.

[globalnomad]

Oh boy, this is very familiar to me. The smallest of things will set her off. I bought the wrong kind of milk, I dressed the baby in the wrong clothes, I did the dishes but then put something back in the wrong place, or I accidentally spilled a glass of water. It's usually something I did with good intention but simply didn't execute well, or something I did by accident. She gets very snappy with me and gives me the look of death. She also gets fixated about these little things and won't let go. If I ever protest that she me be slightly overreacting, it is world war three. So I have not found a way to deal with this other than taking it, which often makes me feel disrespected and leads to a buildup of resentment over time. The result, as others have said, is that I end up withdrawing to protect myself.

[formflier]

  On another thread with Cat Familiar we are discussing times to be more specific and times to be more vague, when trying to engage a pwBPD traits in conversation (especially when "we" are not getting what we want from the convo)  I picked up on the athlete's foot cream and calcium stories.  I used to have similar things happen all the time.  Generally, the non's that get involved with pwBPD are "helpers", rescuers, acts of service guys.  Whatever label you want to put on it.  We jump to the rescue and solutions really quickly.  Remember, it has NOTHING to do with the foot cream or calcium.  Those are just the most convenient props for them to tell the story of their emotions (in a dysfunctional way)  As painful as it is for us, support emotions first and only go to solutions when they have clarified they want a solution.  So:  pwBPD:  Ugggh, I'm out of calcium (with standard hissing and harumphing about the crap they have to put up with.)  non:  I hear you babe.  It's frustrating to be out of things.  (Maybe a gentle touch on the shoulder, pause to see if any emotions are going to come back your way to validate.  Sloow things down.)  non:  Hey, would you like me to be part of the solution here.  (again, vagueness)  Roll with it from there.    If there are standard accusations that you should already know what the solution is:  Walk away, let them solve it.  If they seem to calm and go in a reasonable direction, keep working with them, even eventually asking.  "Would you like me to pick up xyz for you?" (if they don't ask after a while).          

FF

[flourdust]

I agree it's a good idea to get out of rescuer/fixer mode. That's excellent general advice, both for pwBPD and people in general!

I will say, though, that this really isn't what's driving the conflicts in this thread, as I see it. What seems to generate the conflict is that something unexpected, unwelcome, or slightly annoying happened to the pwBPD. As the non, I don't have to be the instigator of the annoying thing to become the target of anger. I remember her once getting furious at me because a web page wasn't loading fast enough. My only role was that I was in the room. This seems to be a BPD pattern: 1) Overreact to any normal minor irritation, 2) Find a target to blame the irritation on, regardless of the logic of the blame, 3) Commence the usual abuse.

Like a redshirt on Star Trek, I only have to be in the scene to attract all the phaser blasts.

[formflier]

  As the non, I don't have to be the instigator of the annoying thing to become the target of anger.    Like a redshirt on Star Trek, I only have to be in the scene to attract all the phaser blasts.

         Ah, the poor redshirt, remember, he has to have a speaking role and we've never seen this guy before.  He's done!  My kids love it when I point out stuff like that to them.  Ok, back to the serious business here.  Non's don't get to choose if they are the target or not.  You are in a close r/s with them, so 99% certain you will be to go to target.  That's just the way it is if you chose to stay in the r/s.  So, what's the solution?  Knowing that this is going to be a constant drain on your life, your job is to take care of you (instead of fixing wife) and "deflect the shot" with minimum energy expended by you.  Two step process  1.  Get some tough armor, but don't plan on taking a direct shot with it.  It does need to be tough enough to take the direct shot, if it happens.  2.  Learn how to gently, deftly step to the side just enough so that the shot is a glancing blow and ricochets off into never never land.  Then go on with your life.  Don't think about the shot that just glanced off.  Two benefits.  1.  You didn't spend a lot of energy try to totally have the shot miss you. 2.  Since the shot deflected and didn't cause an explosion, this will frustrate your wife.  Initially she may shoot more, but after she realizes that her efforts aren't going to produce and explosion, she will shoot less or shoot at something else.    Grin and go on with your life.  If you want a good visual of this.  Watch the movie Fury.  Glancing shots were ok, taking an 88 head on is no good.             

FF

[flourdust]

So, what's the solution?  Knowing that this is going to be a constant drain on your life, your job is to take care of you (instead of fixing wife) and "deflect the shot" with minimum energy expended by you.

Two step process

1.  Get some tough armor, but don't plan on taking a direct shot with it.  It does need to be tough enough to take the direct shot, if it happens.

2.  Learn how to gently, deftly step to the side just enough so that the shot is a glancing blow and ricochets off into never never land.  Then go on with your life.  :)on't think about the shot that just glanced off.

Absolutely. I'm getting good at avoiding JADE and also avoiding saying any more than the minimum. (Example: Yesterday, she asked me if I was going to work after a service appointment. I said yes. I did not explain why, or how, or what my thought process was. I kept it to the minimum to give her very little to find offensive.) I'm not taking the various misunderstandings, sniping, griping, etc. personally. I'm actually getting more and more clinically detached and even sometimes amused by her reactions. Not that I can show my amusement.

But, let's be honest about how this affects the relationship. Detachment and amusement are GOOD for protecting me -- I'm not sucked into the drama, and my own emotional state stays fairly regulated. The BAD effect is that it means I'm becoming less of an invested partner in her and more of an observer. This makes it easier if I need to end the relationship (or maintain it from some level of emotional distance), but not if I want to get closer or feel emotionally satisfied.

[Chilibean13]

But, let's be honest about how this affects the relationship. Detachment and amusement are GOOD for protecting me -- I'm not sucked into the drama, and my own emotional state stays fairly regulated. The BAD effect is that it means I'm becoming less of an invested partner in her and more of an observer. This makes it easier if I need to end the relationship (or maintain it from some level of emotional distance), but not if I want to get closer or feel emotionally satisfied.

This is exactly where I'm at right now. 2 dysregulations in 3 days. I'm tired of hurting and I just want to detach. But when I detach I'm really good at distancing myself and withdrawing into my own world. I'm already not very affectionate so when I detach it becomes worse. I want a fulfilling relationship with my H but that requires letting my guard down. Once my guard is down then the harsh words and jabs really affect me. I'm at a loss right now. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I wish we could get into a calm cycle for a little while.

[formflier]

  I'm going to argue back, just a bit.  Waverider said in another post that "somebody" had to have their head "outside" the r/s to be aware of things that need to be watched and to be able to "look in" at the r/s.  He can correct that a bit, I think I got the gist of it.  Anyway, you are correct that the emotional attachment is different.  Very likely it is healthier.  The emotional attachment will come back.  The key is for "us" to be able to look at the r/s and see when it's a good time to connect and be vulnerable and when it's not.  A few days ago I was on phone talking with my wife, I figured it would be a quick 5 minute convo, in and out.  She seemed good, I seemed good, she wanted to talk about my daughter (d18) and it had been on my mind as well.  What followed was an intimate 20 minute conversation about our feelings for daughter, each other, how things were when we were dating, etc etc.    Very emotionally satisfying.  Correct to point out that it doesn't happen often, or many times when you want it to.  But it will come back, and it will get better.          

FF

[Cat Familiar]

The emotional attachment will come back.  The key is for "us" to be able to look at the r/s and see when it's a good time to connect and be vulnerable and when it's not... .Correct to point out that it doesn't happen often, or many times when you want it to.  But it will come back, and it will get better.

This is hopeful.

I'm with you Chilebean: But when I detach I'm really good at distancing myself and withdrawing into my own world. I'm already not very affectionate so when I detach it becomes worse. I want a fulfilling relationship with my H but that requires letting my guard down. Once my guard is down then the harsh words and jabs really affect me. I'm at a loss right now. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I wish we could get into a calm cycle for a little while.

For me, I learned at a very young age that my BPD mother was unpredictable, so I better be self-sufficient. My guard goes up really quickly and I'm very reluctant to let it down. People with personality disorders are not safe and I'm slowly getting over the extreme disappointment that I married one (again). Fortunately this one is a nice person, unlike the first one who was a sociopath. So, I think I've got some baggage to deal with.

[formflier]

 so I better be self-sufficient.   

         Similar thing happened to my wife, and it turned out good for her to be the "self-sufficient" one in the family.  My wife's mom is BPDish.  My wife was the kid that they "forgot" and left to her own devices.  Everyone got the anger from MIL but oldest sister got showered with goods and preferential treatment.  She could do no wrong.  When she did wrong, it was covered up, parents allowed no consequences to flow naturally to her.  The son was taught to listen to what women (mom and sisters) said and not think for himself.  My wife didn't get much, bought her own clothes with money she earned (when she was a teen) as opposed to sister that was given all sorts of designer clothes, entered in beauty pageants, etc etc.  So, even though there is some emotional baggage from that that is affecting us, she understands value of dollar, and if I can back out of a situation or otherwise keep conflict out of it, she will come up with a common sense solution.  It's fascinating for me to sort though how we came to be, who we are.          

FF