I can see clearly now

[bpl53]

I am a retired woman who has been in a relationship for 2+ years that challenged me with behavior I'd never experienced before. Angry outbursts, abuse of alcohol and weed, poor boundaries with exes, obesity treated surgically, difficult interactions with his family, limited long-term friends. I could go on and on, but each time, I treated the interaction with calmness and compassion. Until a year ago, when I felt so physically and emotionally endangered. Since then, I have threatened to leave this relationship multiple times because I just couldn't handle the chaos. And didn't understand it. His inability to listen,  recall conversations, or stick to agreed-upon decisions just baffled me and actually led me to actually question my sanity. I was living in violation of my own desires for nonviolent communication and I was embarrassed by my responses to our interactions. This was new behavior for me, never in my previous relationships or in raising my daughter.

Last weekend, I again reached a place where I felt I was being destroyed by our relationship and asked him to remove all his things from my home (we spent most of our time flipping back and forth between our homes). I told him I would only consider continuing if we went to couples' therapy. In the course of our discussions, I discovered that this man (who has been a LCSW for 40 years) was diagnosed as BPD when he was in his teens or twenties.

So I have been reading online like crazy and have gone through a whole series of emotions. Clarity: I am not nuts. I have responded with reasonable coping mechanisms for dealing with someone like this. Anger: at him for withholding this information from me, denying his behavior and turning it around to look as though I am dysfunctional. Anger: at myself for being so trusting and gullible.

I am reeling from all this. Stunned, shocked, distraught. Not knowing what to do. Run for the hills or try to stay with this to help him through? What is he doing differently that might make a difference? We are going to a mindfulness workshop on Saturday (I've been meditating and using Eastern methods for 20 years)and he has an appt with my energy healer in early January. He's now decided that traditional therapy isn't the way to go, esp because he'll have to admit his diagnosis and hasn't had that on his record in this state for 40 years and doesn't want it to impact his practice.

So, I am here, venting I guess, struggling to move on in some way regardless of how this relationship goes... .My friends and family love this man; they don't see his outbursts or constant questioning about my motives and what's wrong because he's sure he can read my behavior because he's been doing this for 40 years as a professional... .

OK, I think I'm done. Thanks.

[Skip]

He's now decided that traditional therapy isn't the way to go, esp because he'll have to admit his diagnosis and hasn't had that on his record in this state for 40 years and doesn't want it to impact his practice.

BPD was a very rare diagnosis back in the 70's. They didn't diagnosis BPD with teens back in the 70's. You may want to look into this.  He may be looking backward at himself realizing the trouble he back then was "BPD" like. I speculating for sure, but I dig around a little to see if he was actually withholding. It might be more "gray area" than it seems right now.

I told him I would only consider continuing if we went to couples' therapy. In the course of our discussions, I discovered that this man (who has been a LCSW for 40 years) was diagnosed as BPD when he was in his teens or twenties.

Good for you. I'm sure you can find a therapists that won't record or report a mental illness from marital counseling - there are lots of ways around his concern and he can be safe. Certain therapy positions enjoy doctor patient privileged, so if you have one, even a court can't extract the information.

You sound like you are dealing with this really well. Getting some space at a time when you are overwhelmed is important. Sounds like you two aren't completely  "broken".

Have you read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Where would you benchmark your relationship to be right now?

[livednlearned]

Hi bpl53,

Welcome and hello 

Mindfulness class is a great way to shore up for now and catch your breath ( ), and meanwhile learn not only about BPD, also skills and ways to communicate. That's where these boards can really help. What are the behaviors that are most challenging you?

It must feel confusing that he's a LCSW. Impulsivity goes hand-in-hand with BPD, tho, so even knowing about BPD, your guy probably struggles to control his behavior. Well, we all do, I guess. BPD, tho, brings with it some extra challenges.

BPD also has degrees of severity. Some people with BPD are generally cooperative and not dangerous. Some people have BPD traits, or are sub-clinical. Each of us brings a different set of skills and willingness to work those skills. All of these variables can make a difference.

We're here to be your sounding board as you work through this. 

LnL