Trying to survive

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've recently left a BPD partner of 3 years. The depth of our relationship felt like none I have ever experienced.  The passion, the comfort, the devotion were no where near anything I had ever experienced during my previous long term marriage.  It felt like match made in heaven.  I ignored the warning signs and made excuses to myself and others for his insecurities and for isolating me from friends and family. The emotional abuse changed who I was and eventually the physical attacks, though very few, made me fear for my life and leave.

Now I'm struggling being away from him.  He's been in therapy and taking medication for a few months. He wants to change and he probably will.  But I Remain torn between the horrible name calling and his rage over trivialities, and the loving, caring man he usually was.  Do BPDs ever really change? Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships? Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself?  I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends? Part of my grief is losing my best friend and its devastating not to be able to call him just to talk. I've never felt loss like this before and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what he writes me is true or if it's just wishful thinking on his part.  I'm not speaking to him or seeing him, but there have been a few emails.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's BPD actually went into intense therapy and what the outcome was.

[Justacowgirl]

I've recently left a BPD partner of 3 years. The depth of our relationship felt like none I have ever experienced.  The passion, the comfort, the devotion were no where near anything I had ever experienced during my previous long term marriage.  It felt like match made in heaven.  I ignored the warning signs and made excuses to myself and others for his insecurities and for isolating me from friends and family. The emotional abuse changed who I was and eventually the physical attacks, though very few, made me fear for my life and leave.

Now I'm struggling being away from him.  He's been in therapy and taking medication for a few months. He wants to change and he probably will.  But I Remain torn between the horrible name calling and his rage over trivialities, and the loving, caring man he usually was.  Do BPDs ever really change? Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships? Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself?  I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends? Part of my grief is losing my best friend and its devastating not to be able to call him just to talk. I've never felt loss like this before and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what he writes me is true or if it's just wishful thinking on his part.  I'm not speaking to him or seeing him, but there have been a few emails.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's BPD actually went into intense therapy and what the outcome was.

[hashtag_loyal]

Do BPDs ever really change?

Some do, but is it worth the risk in hoping that he will change? He made you afraid for your life, and there's nothing wrong with putting your personal safety first!

I'm sorry you suffered like this, and I am sure you are looking for answers. I think you have the right idea to limit contact only to emails to give yourself plenty of space to heal.

As for the results of intense therapy? Well, I can only speak of my dBPDxgf. She's been in therapy for much of her life, and right now she actually seems more disturbed than she was when we were dating... .She's very young and wants to get better, so I am hopeful, but I'm still thinking it will be a couple of years before she shows notable improvement, and there is no way I am waiting that long.

As for your ex, if he is getting physically violent he certainly sounds pretty disturbed. I would not get my hopes up that he can learn to control those violent rages anytime soon.

[hopealways]

I feel your pain, I am in the same boat.  I never felt the highs that I did with her.  I also never felt so low. But reading the answers to your questions should help you with maintaining NC and healing, although a difficult path, the only one which will save your life and your sanity:

Do BPDs ever really change?

Not really.  There's no medicinal cure and DBT therapy has shown to take off some of the edge and make them less suicidal at best.  But don't expect them to all of the sudden become nice and sail off into the sunset with you in a harmonious and loving relationship.

Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships?

It's more than that that causes BPD. It results from insufficient emotional bonding with their birth mother.  That's extremely difficult to repair. Your love will never be enough.

Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself? 

It was real but their concept of love is different than yours. You have to constantly prove your love to them by giving and getting nothing in return. That will exhaust anyone.

I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends?

No. Would you want a friend to treat  you the way he did?

[Lonely_Astro]

I've recently left a BPD partner of 3 years. The depth of our relationship felt like none I have ever experienced.  The passion, the comfort, the devotion were no where near anything I had ever experienced during my previous long term marriage.  It felt like match made in heaven.  I ignored the warning signs and made excuses to myself and others for his insecurities and for isolating me from friends and family. The emotional abuse changed who I was and eventually the physical attacks, though very few, made me fear for my life and leave.

Now I'm struggling being away from him.  He's been in therapy and taking medication for a few months. He wants to change and he probably will.  But I Remain torn between the horrible name calling and his rage over trivialities, and the loving, caring man he usually was.  Do BPDs ever really change? Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships? Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself?  I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends? Part of my grief is losing my best friend and its devastating not to be able to call him just to talk. I've never felt loss like this before and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what he writes me is true or if it's just wishful thinking on his part.  I'm not speaking to him or seeing him, but there have been a few emails.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's BPD actually went into intense therapy and what the outcome was.

Hi and welcome to the board  

What kind of therapy is he in?  Is it DBT?  I asked that because really that seems to be the only therapy that seems to have the best chance of 'success' (and it ranks at 50/50).  Since BPD is a spectrum disorder, it's hard to say how much he will 'gain' from DBT from what I have read.  My diagnosed pwBPD (we just ended our 1 year r/s a day ago, officially) is currently in DBT.  She started in September of this year and it was much worse after she started.  She, like yours, is medicated as well.  The elephant in the room is that BPD is manageable, but not curable.  Even with DBT, BPDs may not meet the full criteria found in the DSM-5 manual to be 'officially' cluster b (where BPD falls) but they will still struggle (at least time to time) with the disorder.

Has my pwBPD (we'll call her J) improved since starting DBT?  yes and no.  Shortly after she started, things fell apart for us at a rapid pace.  4 years ago we had a 4 month or so r/s.  That fell apart quickly when she up and abandoned me with no warning.  We were NC (no contact) for 3 years.  We started talking again and a r/s formed from there.  In hindsight, it was a rocky year with a lot of distrust, cheating, lies, and allegations.  After a rough few months, she decided she had had enough of being "this way" as she put it, she started DBT.  I thought "great!  the magic bullet that solves BPD!  It will be smooth sailing from here and I'll get that lovely J I know back soon," which was the wrong way to look at it.  :)BT takes years (yes, years) to help them lead more meaningful lives.  For me, mine got worse right after she started, but she does seem more insightful about her condition that she already was (J would be what we call high functioning, you wouldn't know she was BPD unless she told you).  She also seems to be employing some techniques in social settings I haven't seen before, once again, I think that is DBT.  But, DBT takes a lot of time and dedication from the person going through it, where only about half of patients stick with it because of the commitment.

Be sure to check out the sidebar for the lessons, they do help.  It is tough when you have to detach and heal from a r/s.  I am like you, there are things that I miss so much from my r/s with J.  My wounds are still fresh (and even more so because she seems more lucid and self aware these past few days than she has these past few months).  I know how you feel.

Once again, welcome and keep healing!  It doest get better with time.

[Jazzy]

Dear Justacowgirl, I can understand completely what you are going through having been replaced after 6 years of  what I believed was a "made in heaven "relationship myself. Initially my ex BPD partner wanted to remain friends and  the thought of not having him in my life anymore was so much more overwhelming  than bearing the humiliation and name calling, that I continued to keep in touch with him . But as his infatuation with his new partner grew ,so did his cruel behavior towards me. I continued keeping in touch because I felt I could not survive without him. Finally six weeks ago, not being able to bear his verbal and emotional abuse anymore I went NC. It was very very difficult and painful and still continues to be a daily struggle for me to not contact him , but at least he does not continue to have the power to hurt me anymore than what he has already done. Deep in my heart I still love him and hope that he will at least apologise someday, but I also know in my head that that will not happen and that  for my own sanity I must completely cut off with him. I miss talking to him a lot, because like you I thought he was my best friend, but then friends don't behave the way he did. Hang in there. This is a fantastic forum and I feel very comforted knowing that I am not alone and that what happened was not my fault and there was nothing I could have done differently or better to save the relationship. It is a long painful journey getting out of this and even after 4 months of being replaced I still don't know what hit me and am barely able to get through each day. Yet I understand from the experiences of all the friends on this site that  it will get better and even though I will probably never be able to forget ,at least time will help me cope better.Keep writing ;it really helps .Hugs

[butterfly15]

Jazzy:

Does he try to contact you? I have been NC for about 5 weeks and neither of us have reached out to one another. I miss him terribly but I don't see him changing anytime. If ever

[JaneStorm]

I've recently left a BPD partner of 3 years. The depth of our relationship felt like none I have ever experienced.  The passion, the comfort, the devotion were no where near anything I had ever experienced during my previous long term marriage.  It felt like match made in heaven.  I ignored the warning signs and made excuses to myself and others for his insecurities and for isolating me from friends and family. The emotional abuse changed who I was and eventually the physical attacks, though very few, made me fear for my life and leave.

Now I'm struggling being away from him.  He's been in therapy and taking medication for a few months. He wants to change and he probably will.  But I Remain torn between the horrible name calling and his rage over trivialities, and the loving, caring man he usually was.  Do BPDs ever really change? Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships? Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself?  I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends? Part of my grief is losing my best friend and its devastating not to be able to call him just to talk. I've never felt loss like this before and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what he writes me is true or if it's just wishful thinking on his part.  I'm not speaking to him or seeing him, but there have been a few emails.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's BPD actually went into intense therapy and what the outcome was.

Hi and welcome to the board  

What kind of therapy is he in?  Is it DBT?  I asked that because really that seems to be the only therapy that seems to have the best chance of 'success' (and it ranks at 50/50).  Since BPD is a spectrum disorder, it's hard to say how much he will 'gain' from DBT from what I have read.  My diagnosed pwBPD (we just ended our 1 year r/s a day ago, officially) is currently in DBT.  She started in September of this year and it was much worse after she started.  She, like yours, is medicated as well.  The elephant in the room is that BPD is manageable, but not curable.  Even with DBT, BPDs may not meet the full criteria found in the DSM-5 manual to be 'officially' cluster b (where BPD falls) but they will still struggle (at least time to time) with the disorder.

Has my pwBPD (we'll call her J) improved since starting DBT?  yes and no.  Shortly after she started, things fell apart for us at a rapid pace.  4 years ago we had a 4 month or so r/s.  That fell apart quickly when she up and abandoned me with no warning.  We were NC (no contact) for 3 years.  We started talking again and a r/s formed from there.  In hindsight, it was a rocky year with a lot of distrust, cheating, lies, and allegations.  After a rough few months, she decided she had had enough of being "this way" as she put it, she started DBT.  I thought "great!  the magic bullet that solves BPD!  It will be smooth sailing from here and I'll get that lovely J I know back soon," which was the wrong way to look at it.  :)BT takes years (yes, years) to help them lead more meaningful lives.  For me, mine got worse right after she started, but she does seem more insightful about her condition that she already was (J would be what we call high functioning, you wouldn't know she was BPD unless she told you).  She also seems to be employing some techniques in social settings I haven't seen before, once again, I think that is DBT.  But, DBT takes a lot of time and dedication from the person going through it, where only about half of patients stick with it because of the commitment.

Be sure to check out the sidebar for the lessons, they do help.  It is tough when you have to detach and heal from a r/s.  I am like you, there are things that I miss so much from my r/s with J.  My wounds are still fresh (and even more so because she seems more lucid and self aware these past few days than she has these past few months).  I know how you feel.

Once again, welcome and keep healing!  It doest get better with time.

That has been the trap with me; when he has clarity, he is amazingly 'normal'. Highly intelligent, self-reflective, rational... .then BOOM.

[Jazzy]

Butterfly 15,

NO he has never tried to contact me and I doubt he ever will. He seems to be in heaven with his new partner and sometimes I feel he was so cruel towards me because he wanted to make it  absolutely impossible for me to stay with him. It hurts really bad to know that someone he has known barely six weeks is now in the position I occupied in his life for 6 years.As long as he idealises the new person, I don't think he will "need  "to contact me. It has been very very difficult for me.I must admit that somewhere in my heart I keep hoping he will reach out to at least apologise for the way he has destroyed me and my future( we were to get married this year) ,but as time goes on I know it is wishful thinking and that he will never turn around to say sorry for the carnage he has left behind. Remain strong.I fully understand your situation and hope that we shall both be able to completely get over these people some day.

[C.Stein]

but as time goes on I know it is wishful thinking and that he will never turn around to say sorry for the carnage he has left behind.

Sadly I think I will also never get that apology.

[JaneStorm]

but as time goes on I know it is wishful thinking and that he will never turn around to say sorry for the carnage he has left behind.

Sadly I think I will also never get that apology.

We need to apologize to ourselves, I think. Self forgiveness is all I can have now and it is the only thing that will heal me.

[Lonely_Astro]

That has been the trap with me; when he has clarity, he is amazingly 'normal'. Highly intelligent, self-reflective, rational... .then BOOM.

That seems to be the issue with the higher functioning ones.  They are very good at wearing masks.  They also seem to have moments of lucidity, but they only last so long.  Sometimes I would have J for a couple of months, sometimes a week, others a few days before she dysregulated.  In the end, she always did.

I have had LC with her since our ending.  She has checked on me, I think because she actually does care about my well being (to an extent) and she has talked to me very candidly with me.  I think its because she doesn't have the fear of abandonment (she admitted that she was abandoning me, not the other way around), among other things.  The hardest thing for me was the other night, out of the seemly blue, she called me but I didn't answer.  It's time I move on from her and seeing her or talking to her in moments of lucidity only prolong the inevitable.

[joeramabeme]

Justacowgirl


Weclome to BPD Family.  I believe you will find the answers to your questions here.  Please take the time to read the "Lessons" section as you can, there is much invaluable information there.

I see that others have responded to some of your questions.  Here is a reply to a comment you made; "I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him"

I had become a trigger to my 2bx wife.  This is a difficult place to be because there is no action that you can take that will change this as it is not about you.  Let me repeat that painful reality again; this is not about you!

We know that we can't change people and this is even more true when the change that needs to take place is in regards to their own unresolved history.  He may very well love you and care about you deeply.  Jumping in and trying to show him how things are not as he is seeing them may have just the opposite of the intended effect.

To the best of your ability, try to stand back from the situation and let him find his own equilibrium. 

I hope that you will continue to post and share your story with all of us. 

Are you living apart or together?

[JaneStorm]

Justacowgirl


Weclome to BPD Family.  I believe you will find the answers to your questions here.  Please take the time to read the "Lessons" section as you can, there is much invaluable information there.

I see that others have responded to some of your questions.  Here is a reply to a comment you made; "I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him"

I had become a trigger to my 2bx wife.  This is a difficult place to be because there is no action that you can take that will change this as it is not about you.  Let me repeat that painful reality again; this is not about you!

We know that we can't change people and this is even more true when the change that needs to take place is in regards to their own unresolved history.  He may very well love you and care about you deeply.  Jumping in and trying to show him how things are not as he is seeing them may have just the opposite of the intended effect.

To the best of your ability, try to stand back from the situation and let him find his own equilibrium. 

I hope that you will continue to post and share your story with all of us. 

Are you living apart or together?

This fact released me. I told mine this on the last and final communication.

[Cane787]

That has been the trap with me; when he has clarity, he is amazingly 'normal'. Highly intelligent, self-reflective, rational... .then BOOM.

The quote above by JaneStorm made me bellow out loud. Mind blowing how alike this disorder can be in the ones who have it. That's exactly how it was for me as well, and what always wrapped me around her finger. Then like clockwork, the clear, honest, intelligent, self reflective, rational, loving person was gone.

I was denial for so many years. I knew there was something wrong but I assumed she was repressed, angry for being repressed, passive aggressive. I knew something more was there but just kept myself in denial.

This site and all of you are teaching me a great deal. I'm thankful I found it.

[Justacowgirl]

Jane storm, we are apart now.  It's been a month.  I'm moving forward but definitely still have very sad days when all I want is to hear his voice.  Thankfully this site is keeping me grounded. I do have a question though, has anyone been able to support their former partners recovery? I know from a mutual acquaintance that W is not doing well, and I want to offer words of encouragement, from a distance of course, but I'm afraid it will encourage him the wrong way- that he'll believe we stand a chance, and we don't. I still care and I want him to recover, and I know he's involved in group and individual therapy as well as medication. I also know that I was his only close friend, and losing your best friend is actually more difficult than I could have imagined. Is there anything I can do?

[Lonely_Astro]

Jane storm, we are apart now.  It's been a month.  I'm moving forward but definitely still have very sad days when all I want is to hear his voice.  Thankfully this site is keeping me grounded. I do have a question though, has anyone been able to support their former partners recovery? I know from a mutual acquaintance that W is not doing well, and I want to offer words of encouragement, from a distance of course, but I'm afraid it will encourage him the wrong way- that he'll believe we stand a chance, and we don't. I still care and I want him to recover, and I know he's involved in group and individual therapy as well as medication. I also know that I was his only close friend, and losing your best friend is actually more difficult than I could have imagined. Is there anything I can do?

The best thing you can do is heal yourself.  I don't mean to sound jaded or brash, but it's just true.  Offer your words of support to him during meditation, but not to him directly (face to face).  After all, telling the words to them face to face really doesnt mean anything, especially during a time of dysregulation. 

I am extremely LC with my ex, J, due to working with her and she is medicated and (supposedly) going to DBT.  In the very short moments that she attempts to talk personally (aka, emotionally) to me, I have offered her my words of support.  It is usually met with either a simple thanks (which sounds fake to me) or a look of disdain.  So, I have stopped offering words of encouragement/support.  Anything you can say to him may or may not be received and it could set you back in healing.  It's simply not worth it.  You are worth more than that.  Ultimately, he survived this long without you in his life, he will survive without you in it as well.  This was the toughest lesson for me with mine.

[steve195915]

I've recently left a BPD partner of 3 years. The depth of our relationship felt like none I have ever experienced.  The passion, the comfort, the devotion were no where near anything I had ever experienced during my previous long term marriage.  It felt like match made in heaven.  I ignored the warning signs and made excuses to myself and others for his insecurities and for isolating me from friends and family. The emotional abuse changed who I was and eventually the physical attacks, though very few, made me fear for my life and leave.

Now I'm struggling being away from him.  He's been in therapy and taking medication for a few months. He wants to change and he probably will.  But I Remain torn between the horrible name calling and his rage over trivialities, and the loving, caring man he usually was.  Do BPDs ever really change? Can they ever overcome their own childhood trauma and abuse and have normal relationships? Was what we had even real or am I fooling myself?  I'm an intelligent educated woman, but this man has me turned so upside down that I don't know what to think.  I know we can't be together... .that I'm a trigger for him and that he doesn't always treat me the way he should. Yet I cry every day longing for his touch.  Can we ever be friends? Part of my grief is losing my best friend and its devastating not to be able to call him just to talk. I've never felt loss like this before and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know if what he writes me is true or if it's just wishful thinking on his part.  I'm not speaking to him or seeing him, but there have been a few emails.  I'd love to hear from anyone who's BPD actually went into intense therapy and what the outcome was.

For me to the relationship was magical, the passion was amazing yet mixed in was verbal and emotional abuse.  No I've never heard of a pwBPD to be cured, at most in rare circumstances DBT may help make the relationship more manageable but the BPD is still there and the relationship is far from normal. 

So as much it hurts, and most of us here can relate to your pain, it's in your best interests to move on especially if there was physical abuse.