Dazed, bewildered and confused - need advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here is what happened last night. Everything was fine when we went to bed. Our three week old baby was grumpy, however, and not sleeping well.

I offered to get up and change his diaper at about midnight. The moment I go to pick him up, my BPD fiance starts criticizing the way I am doing it. ":)on't do it LIKE THAT!," she says with extreme annoyance. OK, I say, and I pick him up. Then it's ":)on't hold him like that, you're NOT HOLDING HIM RIGHT!". She is getting increasingly annoyed (can I just add there was nothing wrong with the way I was holding him - she wanted it to be more upright). I bite my tongue. Then I put him on the changing table and she starts again. ":)on't put him down flat... .Why are you taking so long, etc etc." I am also tired and feeling frustrated at this point due to lack of sleep so I do the best I can in the situation and say very calmly and politely, "How about you do it your way and I do it mine?" (I'm guessing this was majorly invalidating?)

This provokes a dysregulation. I'm outrageous, I'm inconsiderate, I'm trying to start a fight with her, etc etc. I don't take the bait though, and I roll over to go to sleep.

A couple of hours later I realize my fiance isn't sleeping well and I try to give her a cuddle (she has asked me to comfort her in this way when she's upset). She pushes me away and moves right to the other side of the bed. I ask her if she is OK. No response - silent treatment.

I roll over and try to sleep. The baby is upset and crying again and she gets up to feed him a couple of hours later. I ask her if she's managed to get any sleep and if she's OK (needs any help). What do you f'ing think, she yells at me. For good measure, she then calls me an assh***.

"Please don't speak to me that way. I don't tolerate verbal abuse," I say very quietly but firmly.

Big mistake. This sets her off on a major dysregulation. Once again, I am inconsiderate, outrageous, etc etc. I ask her quietly and politely to lower her voice so as not to wake up the baby. At this point she lets out a blood curdling scream at full pitch - which was so loud I am surprised none of the neighbors didn't call 911.

SHe pushes me (violating yet another boundary I have set) and continues to scream at extremely high volume, just a foot away from our newborn baby's head. The screaming and ranting continues for around 15 mins while her mother tries to console her (and tells me to sleep on the sofa).

So I spent the rest of the night in the living room, and left for work at 5am so I didn't have to deal with any drama in the morning. I am now sitting here waiting for the inevitable barrage of text messages telling me what a terrible person I am and how she is going to leave me with the child.

My question is, where did I go wrong here? I am trying to set healthier boundaries these days with respect to criticism, name calling and verbal abuse. It only seems to be making the situation worse.

And second, any suggestions on how to handle this when I get home tonight? She will be expecting a major groveling apology, and I honestly don't feel like I have done anything wrong so any apology I can give will be insincere. I am also worried about the impact these screaming episodes are having on our young baby. I do not want her verbally abusing me in front of him.

Signing off here, dazed and confused... . 

[globalnomad]

Here is what happened last night. Everything was fine when we went to bed. Our three week old baby was grumpy, however, and not sleeping well.

I offered to get up and change his diaper at about midnight. The moment I go to pick him up, my BPD fiance starts criticizing the way I am doing it. ":)on't do it LIKE THAT!," she says with extreme annoyance. OK, I say, and I pick him up. Then it's ":)on't hold him like that, you're NOT HOLDING HIM RIGHT!". She is getting increasingly annoyed (can I just add there was nothing wrong with the way I was holding him - she wanted it to be more upright). I bite my tongue. Then I put him on the changing table and she starts again. ":)on't put him down flat... .Why are you taking so long, etc etc." I am also tired and feeling frustrated at this point due to lack of sleep so I do the best I can in the situation and say very calmly and politely, "How about you do it your way and I do it mine?" (I'm guessing this was majorly invalidating?)

This provokes a dysregulation. I'm outrageous, I'm inconsiderate, I'm trying to start a fight with her, etc etc. I don't take the bait though, and I roll over to go to sleep.

A couple of hours later I realize my fiance isn't sleeping well and I try to give her a cuddle (she has asked me to comfort her in this way when she's upset). She pushes me away and moves right to the other side of the bed. I ask her if she is OK. No response - silent treatment.

I roll over and try to sleep. The baby is upset and crying again and she gets up to feed him a couple of hours later. I ask her if she's managed to get any sleep and if she's OK (needs any help). What do you f'ing think, she yells at me. For good measure, she then calls me an assh***.

"Please don't speak to me that way. I don't tolerate verbal abuse," I say very quietly but firmly.

Big mistake. This sets her off on a major dysregulation. Once again, I am inconsiderate, outrageous, etc etc. I ask her quietly and politely to lower her voice so as not to wake up the baby. At this point she lets out a blood curdling scream at full pitch - which was so loud I am surprised none of the neighbors didn't call 911.

SHe pushes me (violating yet another boundary I have set) and continues to scream at extremely high volume, just a foot away from our newborn baby's head. The screaming and ranting continues for around 15 mins while her mother tries to console her (and tells me to sleep on the sofa).

So I spent the rest of the night in the living room, and left for work at 5am so I didn't have to deal with any drama in the morning. I am now sitting here waiting for the inevitable barrage of text messages telling me what a terrible person I am and how she is going to leave me with the child.

My question is, where did I go wrong here? I am trying to set healthier boundaries these days with respect to criticism, name calling and verbal abuse. It only seems to be making the situation worse.

And second, any suggestions on how to handle this when I get home tonight? She will be expecting a major groveling apology, and I honestly don't feel like I have done anything wrong so any apology I can give will be insincere. I am also worried about the impact these screaming episodes are having on our young baby. I do not want her verbally abusing me in front of him.

Signing off here, dazed and confused... . 

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[flourdust]

You have my deepest sympathy. I have been (and continue to be) in your circumstances with my wife. Dealing with BPD is hard enough -- adding a newborn, pregnancy hormones, and sleep deprivation makes for an explosive mix.

Setting boundaries will make the situation worse, as you say. I have certainly experienced that with my own boundaries, which are similar to yours -- no name-calling, no screaming.

I don't think you did anything wrong or unsuccessfully. I think what you are looking for, understandably, is to be able to both enforce your boundaries and have her negative behaviors stop. It doesn't seem to work that way. Healthy boundaries will protect you by minimizing your exposure to abusive behavior. They won't necessarily cause the behavior to end, although I think many of us hold out hope that it will, eventually.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. I would not want to give up my boundaries. Not having boundaries doesn't end the abuse -- it just means more gets piled on you, and you feel even worse because you accept the abuse and might even grovel and apologize for it. I would hold on to my boundaries and be prepared to enforce them, even if it means you leave the house and sleep elsewhere. I wouldn't worry about the effect of the screaming on the baby. At this age, it's not going to have any lasting impact, and if you have a chance to correct this relationship, it's MUCH better to get the screaming and abuse out of the way while he's an infant rather than when he's five or ten. I know, because I'm enforcing boundaries now, and as a result, I have a 10 year old daughter in therapy.

[globalnomad]

I don't think you did anything wrong or unsuccessfully. I think what you are looking for, understandably, is to be able to both enforce your boundaries and have her negative behaviors stop. It doesn't seem to work that way. Healthy boundaries will protect you by minimizing your exposure to abusive behavior. They won't necessarily cause the behavior to end, although I think many of us hold out hope that it will, eventually.

I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. I would not want to give up my boundaries. Not having boundaries doesn't end the abuse -- it just means more gets piled on you, and you feel even worse because you accept the abuse and might even grovel and apologize for it. I would hold on to my boundaries and be prepared to enforce them, even if it means you leave the house and sleep elsewhere.

Thankyou flourdust. Perhaps I need to truly let go of the idea that the negative behaviors will stop. Boundaries are about protecting myself.

Regardless, I think you are right about not giving up my boundaries. In the past I have not enforced them, and it has only led to a downward spiral of self esteem where I feel like I am a doormat who is constantly tolerating unacceptable behavior. This raises the question though - what should my next move be?

I have still not heard from her today. I want to make it clear that the name calling and verbal abuse are no longer acceptable. I'm not sure it's possible to do this without sending her off the deep end again, however.

[flourdust]

If you really feel you need to bring it up today, then do so. Accept that she may go off the deep end, as you say, but that's her choice.

On the other hand, you don't need to explain your boundaries to enforce them. Have you told her what your boundaries are before? Reminding her verbally isn't likely to change her reactions.

[globalnomad]

If you really feel you need to bring it up today, then do so. Accept that she may go off the deep end, as you say, but that's her choice.

On the other hand, you don't need to explain your boundaries to enforce them. Have you told her what your boundaries are before? Reminding her verbally isn't likely to change her reactions.

Yes, on further reflection there is no point restating the boundary. At this point I think the key is enforcing it consistently, rather than talking about it (which has done me no good at all). Thankyou again. I feel a little more sane after coming on here

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, on further reflection there is no point restating the boundary. At this point I think the key is enforcing it consistently, rather than talking about it (which has done me no good at all). Thankyou again. I feel a little more sane after coming on here

Absolutely right.

If I was rewinding that night to see where I'd do something different in your shoes, I'd probably head straight for the sofa after the diaper was changed and the verbal abuse and criticism was continuing, ramping up, rather than going back to bed with her and trying to ignore it.

[flourdust]

Yes, on further reflection there is no point restating the boundary. At this point I think the key is enforcing it consistently, rather than talking about it (which has done me no good at all). Thankyou again. I feel a little more sane after coming on here

Absolutely right.

If I was rewinding that night to see where I'd do something different in your shoes, I'd probably head straight for the sofa after the diaper was changed and the verbal abuse and criticism was continuing, ramping up, rather than going back to bed with her and trying to ignore it.

Good point. Early on in my boundary enforcement, I felt that removing myself from situations like that was an escalating action on my part, rather than a de-escalating one.

[Cat Familiar]

Add into the mix, extinction bursts, when you enforce boundaries that you previously didn't uphold.

My sympathies. Good luck.   

[Grey Kitty]

Good point. Early on in my boundary enforcement, I felt that removing myself from situations like that was an escalating action on my part, rather than a de-escalating one.

It is the best thing you can do to protect yourself, and ultimately de-escalates things, and ultimately improves your relationship.

The confusing thing is that your partner will typically accuse you of escalating, or act in a way which does ramp the abuse up as you try to get out.

Learning to trust your knowledge about this kind of situation when both your partner and your instincts are screaming at you to do something else is really tough.   

[globalnomad]

Thanks everyone. I sent her a message a couple of hours ago just to check in -- no reply. Guess she is going to play the silent treatment game for a while. I am dreading going home. Think I may have to be prepared to pack my bag and sleep somewhere else tonight. (The sofa is not a great solution because her mother -- who takes her side -- is also sleeping in the living room).

[Grey Kitty]

   Don't go home without a plan where you can safely spend the night.

if you have a local friend or relative you can trust, pre-schedule a late-night arrival--warn them that you may need to leave the house at midnight or 3am, and ask them if they are OK with you showing up on short notice.

Having everything ready to go, perhaps an overnight bag in the trunk of your car waiting will make for a cleaner exit.

[globalnomad]

Thanks Grey Kitty. I have a plan now. I hope I don't need to use it but I will stay at a friend's place if there are any fireworks tonight.

[globalnomad]

My new boundaries were tested pretty strongly yesterday. I'm proud to say that for the first time I didn't cave in.

Her latest dysregulation started when I told her I was ducking out for a 30 min break to meet a friend for coffee. This triggered the usual abandonment fears. This is outrageous, how can I leave her alone with the baby for so long (her mother is staying with us so she does have help), I'm so inconsiderate, etc etc. It started getting heated. I told her I care about her and the baby but I need to take care of myself as well, or I won't be able to provide the level of support at home she needs. She started yelling at me. I told her I don't tolerate verbal abuse and we can talk when things are calmer.

I walk out of the room and she follows me, continuing the yelling. I ask her to step away. When she doesn't, I head for the bathroom and close the door. She violently tries to open the door and force her way inside. I tell her if the physical violence does not stop immediately I walk out the door.

I think for once she believes me that I am very serious about this boundary. She falls in heap on the ground crying inconsolably.

I guess I did the right thing, but this is truly exhausting.

[Lou12]

Hi gloda,

It's a very tough situation I know but I wanted to offer some advice. I myself believe I have high traits of BPD but certainly not to be diagnosed as such.

Your story resonates with me from when I had my first baby. Your partner seems to display a lot of the emotions I did myself.

First off I am going to tell you how I felt as a new mother and then I'll explain how your comments would tip me even further over the edge. Now I'm not saying your in the wrong pls understand that I'm just telling you how I would react if my partner said the same to me.

When I had my baby I felt anxious, out of control(I'm a bit of a control freak), worried, tired, scared, exhausted, neglected and lots of other negative emotions. Now there is no way I could let anyone know I felt this way as that would make me a failure as a mother. I wouldn't admit that to you or myself. I had to be perfect even though I was quite the opposite.

When your experiencing these emotions you want to find a reason for the way you feel but that reason doesn't even enter your head that it's your fault. Soo you create the reason for your real emotions and that reason becomes YOU. My partner I've got to say handled it well although at times he was in a no win situation. The things you said to your partner such as 'I refuse to be abused' 'walking away' etc and all invalidation. What she is desperately screaming at you is 'please take this pain away' yet she needs you to not recognise she is in pain and just take it away. I believe validation techniques could work wonders here. As well as asking her advice on how to hold your child etc to empower her into believing she's strong. I suppose what I am trying to say is... you are in the position of major strength and you can use that strength and your knowledge to stabilise her better. I know it's not always going to work but it would have worked and did work with me and I can almost feel how your wife feels, I remember it well when I dysregulated the most. Hope that helps some x

[globalnomad]

Thanks Lou12. It's great to hear your perspective. I think you are right that validation could work some wonders in this situation, and it is what I need to be working on most. I recognize I have probably made things worse at times through invalidating statements and actions. It's tough, as I feel utterly emotionally exhausted and unsafe recently after the recent escalation to violence on her part. That said, if anybody is going to be the adult in the room right now, it needs to be me. Thanks again for the helpful advice.

[Lou12]

Your welcome I hope it helps. I'm embarrassed to say that at times I escalated to violence and it was honestly a desperate reaction of my inner pain.

She most likely believes at this moment that you are the cause of her pain and the only thing that got me out of that was a partner who constantly displayed he was on my team. As silly as it sounds, try and play her like your letting her win just like a child. Good luck. Validation can be hard at times especially when your experiencing negative emotions yourself I know this x

[Grey Kitty]

I think for once she believes me that I am very serious about this boundary. She falls in heap on the ground crying inconsolably.

I guess I did the right thing, but this is truly exhausting.

Yes, this is exactly how it works.

The good news is that as you become consistent in enforcing this kind of boundary, she will sense and understand the change in you. She will realize that she cannot ramp things up to a level where you will cave in, and stop trying.

The more consistent you are, the faster the adjustment will happen. Hang tough.

However... .do work on validation. First make sure you aren't saying any unnecessarily invalidating things, as that bad habit will taint any attempts at validation. Second, try to validate her feelings--either positive or negative, at times when she isn't dysregulated, isn't attacking you. She will be more receptive, it will be easier. And it will help your relationship a lot.

Trying to validate somebody who is angry enough to attack you is a very tough thing to do well. And even done well, it often won't stop the attacks. Yes, you can try that... .but know that it is a black belt move!

[globalnomad]

Thankyou Grey Kitty - I wish I was capable of such black belt moves, but it's something to work toward I guess

The past day has gone much better. My fiancé had a near meltdown this morning after a night of almost no sleep and breastfeeding difficulties. She was snappy with me but I was able to just hold her and validate. I'm feeling a lot of compassion for her today. I think dealing with a difficult newborn must be incredibly tough for someone with BPD and am trying not to take the outbursts personally. That said, it's absolutely exhausting and I am worried about leaving the baby with her alone. She really doesn't seem to be able to cope.

[Cat Familiar]

Any new mom who is dealing with sleep deprivation, hormones, and a wailing newborn is going to be trouble. Add BPD into the mix and you've got trouble on steroids!

Is her mother still there? I hope she has that support and that should help to alleviate your worries.

Use your alone time to recharge so that you'll feel equipped to deal with the inevitable dysregulations.   

[globalnomad]

Any new mom who is dealing with sleep deprivation, hormones, and a wailing newborn is going to be trouble. Add BPD into the mix and you've got trouble on steroids!

Is her mother still there? I hope she has that support and that should help to alleviate your worries.

Use your alone time to recharge so that you'll feel equipped to deal with the inevitable dysregulations.   

Thankyou Cat Familiar. Yes, her mother is still staying with us. You are right - that alleviates my worries somewhat. Unfortunately her mother does not speak English, which makes the situation quite difficult for me. I do not feel at all comfortable in my own home these days. You are right though, I need alone time to recharge. I am back at work today and it is a huge relief to be away from it all -- even though I miss by baby son.

[Grey Kitty]

Thankyou Grey Kitty - I wish I was capable of such black belt moves, but it's something to work toward I guess

The only way you learn black belt moves like that is by trying and practicing. (If you do try and it does go to crap, please post a detailed story here--and ask for support in identifying where you could have done something better. It is a great way to learn.

Meanwhile, if you too are exhausted, consider whether you need to conserve your energy for easier and more basic things like self protection (boundary enforcement)