Pregnancy fear - huge

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

I broke up with my BPD GF three weeks ago (3 months together). Now when I realized in what kind of relationship I was and how sick that was I have constant fears that she will turn up on my door and say that she is pregnant. During our relationship she always strictly emphasized that she doesn't want kids, doesn't have maternal instincts, she is not ready - maybe never will be, she took BC pills etc. But she also knows that I said several times that I don't want a child in this period of my life. One day before our breakup, during the "pause phase" in which I took some time off, she sent me a text message saying how bad she is, feeling depressed and alone, and that she also got period and how that makes things even worse because of the pain. So everything points in direction that I have irrational fear about this, but reading a lot about BPD I know how manipulative they can be so I have fear about this, because this would mean that I will have constant connection with her, and I just want to move from her. We are in NC phase since our breakup, I blocked her from my social network accounts and text message applications. I mean, she can still contact me by using other channels, but she didn't try (yet).

Did you ever have similar fears/worries?  

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sure.  They never happened.  It's a form of PTSD, read on management of that.  It's very helpful.

[blackbirdsong]

Sure.  They never happened.  It's a form of PTSD, read on management of that.  It's very helpful.

Is there any good source or reference that I can read?

[burritoman]

This past spring my ex BPD dumped one of her tests on me. Out of nowhere she texted me asking when her last period was. Not that this is my question to answer... .but I thought about it and said the last one I remember was a little bit over a month ago. She said she thinks she's late, even though she's on BC and we'd always been safe. Instead of a genuine concern for the situation, her attitude was more or less "Ugh... .I BETTER not be pregnant. I've never had an abortion before." Etc. She said she'd take a test after work, which she did. She sent me a picture of a positive, which sent my soul into my stomach. I never completely trusted her to be the mother of my children, and this was the last thing I needed. She THEN said that she thinks she took the test wrong and she'd buy another more quality brand. So, she took that test, then sent me a very casual "not pregnant" text.

She was indeed late, but because of her recent spike in physical activity with the warmer weather. I suggested that to her, which she shrugged off saying she knew nothing about that possibility. Really? You're in your late 20s and you didn't know that physical activity affects your cycle?

Looking back, it was a very sleazy test from her to me. She didn't like the way I reacted to her even possibly being pregnant, saying that's not what you should have said to me. Granted, I was a bit freaked out, but mostly because she's the last girl I ever wanted to have children with. She dangled it over my head, and it was a horrible thing to be constantly under her knife. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing... .

[Lonely_Astro]

Mine made it clear she took her BC every day, at the same time (she said she had a reminder on her phone so she was never late taking a pill).  BC/protection was something we discussed before we ever became physical.  I have a fear of my own about such things, so I stayed on top of her cycles in my own head in case she ever came up late.  I knew her cycle better than she did, if you can believe that.

I honestly do believe that she took her pill regularly.  I say that for one simple reason: she couldn't get pregnant.  I don't mean that biologically (though, she had a miscarriage during her marriage by what she had told me, so she was at risk anyway), but I mean that in the sense that she would have to explain it to everyone else if she had.  For instance, I can link her to 4 guys this past year (me, her stbexh who we'll call M, N, and B).  Could there be more?  Sure.  Those are just the ones I know/suspect.  I know she was physical with me.  I believe she was physical with M as well (though she denies that).  N and B are wildcards (but let's say she didn't, for argument sake here, I know she was emotionally involved with B and I believe with N as well).  So, if she came up pregnant, she was going to have to decide who to tell or face an abortion alone. 

Let me pause my response for a second and add this:  she had told me that her and M decided to try to have a child to save their marriage (like that's a good reason) and she got pregnant.  She said when she told him she was, his reply to her was "well, great.  Is it even mine?"  She later miscarried, which M supposedly said "good.  We couldn't afford a kid.  Besides, you'd be a shi*ty mom anyway."

Back to the response.  So she knew that if she told M it was his, he would respond the same way.  If she told me it was mine, I would inevitably ask for a blood test if there was the slightest hint to me that dates of conception were off.  The other two that I can link her to, who knows how they would've reacted.  But, the end result would be that all her avenues of supply would be closed but one and that one would ultimately demand proof because none of them trusted her.  So, I believe that she does, in fact, consistently take her pill simply to keep her supply lines and options open.  Pregnancy would shut those down.  She simply doesn't want to face all the questions for her suitors or her mom (who she fears more than anyone) if it had happened.  We did talk about the 'what if' scenario and she told me that her mom would literally kill her if she came up pregnant.  Once again, I believe she took her pill regularly to avoid that.

With all that said, it was still something that was (and kind of still is) a source of anxiety for me.  It's been about 3 months since we were last intimate and I know she's had a period each time on schedule because she's mentioned it to me (she'll tell me about her cramping, has a heavy flow, or she feels so bad because she's on her period, that sort of thing).  That still doesn't mean I didn't have a fear of it (heck, still do... .it won't subside until we hit another couple of months "just in case".  I say that because out of the group I mentioned, I fully believe she would pick me as 'the one' for several reasons.  I even played it out in my mind how I would respond to it if she ever dropped the bombshell on me.

I know that its anxiety that makes me worry about it from time to time (is she going to drop the bomb on me today?).  I also understand I need to relax about it.  That will happen in a couple of months 

[blackbirdsong]

With all that said, it was still something that was (and kind of still is) a source of anxiety for me.  It's been about 3 months since we were last intimate and I know she's had a period each time on schedule because she's mentioned it to me (she'll tell me about her cramping, has a heavy flow, or she feels so bad because she's on her period, that sort of thing).  That still doesn't mean I didn't have a fear of it (heck, still do... .it won't subside until we hit another couple of months "just in case".  I say that because out of the group I mentioned, I fully believe she would pick me as 'the one' for several reasons.  I even played it out in my mind how I would respond to it if she ever dropped the bombshell on me.

I know that its anxiety that makes me worry about it from time to time (is she going to drop the bomb on me today?).  I also understand I need to relax about it.  That will happen in a couple of months  

This is exactly my fear too, every sign shows that I shouldn't be worried: The day we broke up she asked me to come to comfort her because she was in pain (period), her talks about how she doesn't want to have a child, ... .

But I am still terrified sometimes, I still expect a bomb, as you say. Is this really PTSD, how to approach it?

Similar issue I have about STD, we didn't use condom (she took BC), and now I am afraid I have some STD. It is too soon to test it, since window period takes some time, but I think a lot about this. Similar as pregnancy, when she emphasizes how she doesn't want to be pregnant, she was constantly asking me am I sure that I don't have STD, how important that is to her. She looked really scared... .She mentioned that her friend got it from her husband, not sure if this is just a lie/projection or true.

Pregnancy, STD - they represent something that she can still hurt me with. I want to move on, without her, start my healing and recovery, but thought that this could happen terrifies me.

[Lonely_Astro]

With all that said, it was still something that was (and kind of still is) a source of anxiety for me.  It's been about 3 months since we were last intimate and I know she's had a period each time on schedule because she's mentioned it to me (she'll tell me about her cramping, has a heavy flow, or she feels so bad because she's on her period, that sort of thing).  That still doesn't mean I didn't have a fear of it (heck, still do... .it won't subside until we hit another couple of months "just in case".  I say that because out of the group I mentioned, I fully believe she would pick me as 'the one' for several reasons.  I even played it out in my mind how I would respond to it if she ever dropped the bombshell on me.

I know that its anxiety that makes me worry about it from time to time (is she going to drop the bomb on me today?).  I also understand I need to relax about it.  That will happen in a couple of months  

This is exactly my fear too, every sign shows that I shouldn't be worried: The day we broke up she asked me to come to comfort her because she was in pain (period), her talks about how she doesn't want to have a child, ... .

But I am still terrified sometimes, I still expect a bomb, as you say. Is this really PTSD, how to approach it?

Similar issue I have about STD, we didn't use condom (she took BC), and now I am afraid I have some STD. It is too soon to test it, since window period takes some time, but I think a lot about this. Similar as pregnancy, when she emphasizes how she doesn't want to be pregnant, she was constantly asking me am I sure that I don't have STD, how important that is to her. She looked really scared... .She mentioned that her friend got it from her husband, not sure if this is just a lie/projection or true.

Pregnancy, STD - they represent something that she can still hurt me with. I want to move on, without her, start my healing and recovery, but thought that this could happen terrifies me.

As far as pregnancy is concerned, I believe the worry part happens because we now realize that they aren't who they claimed to be.  At the time we were intimate with them, we were willing to accept the risk of parenthood because we loved/cared for them.  I still love/care for J and during the r/s, I was torn between how I would feel about it if it had happened.  One side of me didn't mind (I have a kid already that was planned) and the other side of me was extremely worried because of how it would affect her (hormonal changes) with her BPD.  Another reason I think she was consistently taking her pill was because she was all ways 50/50 on kids.  One day she would talk about wanting a family of her own and then the next she would talk about how she didn't want a kid because she felt to messed up to have them.  She also was extremely worried about what it would do to her appearance (she does display narcissistic traits) and in a rare moment admitted that she was worried what the hormonal changes would do.  But, she mostly focused on what her appearance would look like and how 'ugly' she would be with a 'fat belly'.  After she started talking like that, my fears of pregnancy with her rose exponentially.

As far as STD's are concerned, you can tested now.  I got tested recently for a gamut of things because I was just that worried about it.  I didn't have any symptoms of anything, but I needed the peace of mind.  I told my doctor exactly why I was being tested.  He told me that, most likely, if I had a 'common' STD I would show signs of it within a few weeks or so and that I needed to relax.  He said that the internet will hype you up about being asymptomatic, when the reality is that very few people are that way.  Most, he said, show signs.

Two of the most common STDs (HSV and HPV) have not outward signs usually.  I also read a statistic that most of the (US) population carries one or both of them and doesnt know it.  If you get cold sores around your mouth, then guess what?  You have HSV1 (most likely).  You probably got it as a child when your parents kissed you.  HSV2 can be passed, but usually it's done when a mucus membrane area comes in contact with an active sore or the person was shedding the virus when you were intimate with them.

Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis (actually is rare, but is on the rise), and Trich all show outward signs or have some sort of indication that you have within a short amount of time of exposure.  The good news is they are all detectable and treatable.  I know that sucks to say it like that, but if she did give you something, at least with meds it will go away and other than the mental effects you will be healthy after the antibiotics.

Hepatitis C and (the big one no one likes to say) HIV are even more rare to transmit/catch via vaginal sex.  Those viruses are typically transmitted if you have came into contact with blood directly and have an active, open wound (that is actively bleeding, not scabbed over) to catch them.  I'm not saying the theory of catching HIV isn't there, but transmission from vaginal sex is unlikely (studies have shown the risk to be 0.04% - 1 transmission in 2,500 exposures).

Two things helped me move on from the STD thoughts.  The first was educating myself on STDs in general.  There's a lot of scary things out there about it and it sounds like you could get them by looking at someone with the fear mongering that goes on.  I realize its about prevention, but transmission (sans HSV & HPV) isn't as easy as we were taught it is.  I'm not saying (at all) that its zero risk.  I'm simply saying we often get stuck on the thought of it, even when we shouldn't.  I don't mean that we should sound nonchalant about STDs, please don't misunderstand me.  I wouldn't sleep with a stranger or new romantic partner without protection until I was in a committed r/s and we had fully discussed this.  With J, I had fully discussed it with her.  At the time, I fully trusted her and the signs of her being physically unfaithful present.  She also had made the statement the other day when we were talking that she wouldn't risk anyones health because of her behavior (and I truly believe she meant that.  She also was animate that she hadn't physically slept with anyone (and doesn't sleep around) because if she ever caught something or gave someone something she would die.  Again, I do believe her (partially because of her big heart for people she cares about and another because her narcissism won't allow her to subject herself to that kind of risk).  Yes, I believe she has a big heart for those she cares about (even if 'care' is in her own way), even if she does things that hurt them in the end.

Second, getting tested.  It was scary as hell to go and I was worried the whole time I was waiting for results.  When the nurse called to tell me the results, I thought my heart was going to explode.  She nonchalantly said, "you're fine.  Everything was negative.  I meant to call sooner, but I was busy.  Just wanted you to know the results, have a nice day."  It was.

So, relax some.  Go get tested, you are well within the window now to do so and know your results.  That will give you the peace you need about the STD possibilities.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD actually convinced herself that she was pregnant.  She was gaining weight and sleeping a lot and took that to mean she was pregnant.  Now, she was smoking pot at the time, so that's the real reason for the weight gain and sleeping, but that never occurred to her.   

She randomly started going to the bathroom a lot, too.  I think a lot of that was in her head.  She was at my house once and kept getting up to pee. 

She never told me directly that she thought she was pregnant, but she told her now ex-boyfriend that she might be.  They had only been together for about three months, and he later told me that he panicked when she told him.  She said that she had stopped taking the pill for a week or two. 

This, coming from someone who frequently talks about how gross babies and pregnant women are. 

[blackbirdsong]

This, coming from someone who frequently talks about how gross babies and pregnant women are.  

Thanks a lot for putting oil on my fire... .  I am joking  

No really, things like this really scare me. I feel that I am strong enough to move on, but something like this would be horrible to me, to project this relationship to constant connection with the person I see now in very negative connotation. I remember, first week after our break up, during NC phase, I threw up several times when thinking and imagining her telling me that she is pregnant. All my friend and family were telling me that there is no reason to be afraid if she told me that she got period that day we broke up, but something inside of me was telling: "You don't know her, not like I do". I still sometimes have this (i hope) irrational fear... .

[SummerStorm]

This, coming from someone who frequently talks about how gross babies and pregnant women are.  

Thanks a lot for putting oil on my fire... .  I am joking  

No really, things like this really scare me. I feel that I am strong enough to move on, but something like this would be horrible to me, to project this relationship to constant connection with the person I see now in very negative connotation. I remember, first week after our break up, during NC phase, I threw up several times when thinking and imagining her telling me that she is pregnant. All my friend and family were telling me that there is no reason to be afraid if she told me that she got period that day we broke up, but something inside of me was telling: "You don't know her, not like I do". I still sometimes have this (i hope) irrational fear... .

She was also having an affair with me during this time and said that she only had sex with her boyfriend twice in like a three week period.  I don't think she was lying about this because she was idealizing me and devaluing him at the time.  It wouldn't surprise me if she went off the pill during a stretch of them not having sex.  So, technically, she was off the pill, but there was no chance of her getting pregnant because she was having sex with me, and I just don't have the proper equipment to make that happen, .

I really do think this was her way of trying to make him leave.  She was convinced that he deserved better and kept testing him, trying to basically make her abandonment fears become a reality.  First, she told him she was cutting.  Then, she hit him.  Next, she told him she might be pregnant.  This was followed by a suicide attempt.  But he kept staying. 

[blackbirdsong]

Just opening this thread and reading your responses... .I started having panic attacks just recently. I am alone in my apartment and thinking worst case scenarios. Constantly imagining her coming after few months and saying she is pregnant. I feel really bad right now... .

I just want her away... .

[blackbirdsong]

I really don't know what to do or think right now... .Was someone in similar situation? Any advice?

[Lonely_Astro]

I really don't know what to do or think right now... .Was someone in similar situation? Any advice?

Yes, stop worrying so much.