Today, she emails "Happy Friday" to me

[Squander]

Strange.  It has been about 120 days of NC with my ex as well.  She split me black in August and went crazy after that.  Filed a restraining order against me, disclosed personal secrets of mine to friends and coworkers, accused me of contacting her while the restraining order was in place, made sure I was aware of my replacement, etc., etc. 

So, as I said, it has been about 3 months of complete NC.  Then today, she emails "Happy Friday" to me.

It does not make me happy to hear from her;  it actually makes me afraid.  I just can't understand how someone would do everything they could to destroy another person, and then just act as if nothing happened.  It was serious, life-altering stuff she did to me, and it makes zero sense to me why she would ever want to speak with me again.  How is it possible for that amount of hatred to go away in such a short period of time?  My hatred sure hasn't... .

[Skip]

She encouraged me to text her, then called the police and told them I was threatening to assault her.  On Monday morning, she went to the courthouse to get an ex parte order.  She lied and said I had punched her in the face in the past and the judge granted the order. She told damaging lies to my friends and coworkers, and disclosed some of my most intimate secrets to anyone who would listen.   In the end, I spent over $5,000 on legal fees to fight the order.  She dismissed it a few days before the hearing - I think because I had witnesses who could expose the various lies she told during her deposition.  

Sounds like she reacted really badly to the perceived threat that you were thinking about leaving. This (120 days ago) was punishment and way out of bounds.

The text is probably just an impulsive action - maybe even a mistake.  If it was intentional, it may signal that the attack/anger is mostly behind her.  Remember, she experienced something very different than you in the events 120 days ago. She was the assessor.

I don't know that I would be afraid of further attack, especially if you leave it alone.

[livednlearned]

I can understand why the past protective order business would worry you.

For her, something did happen (he's going to abandon me). That's a threat to self for her that can feel like annihilation. It's not rational, it's also very real for her (feelings = facts). Now the threat has passed, she may have trouble recollecting all of it. There is also a good chance that she sees the solutions she chooses (raging, protective orders) as the only tools available for the level of psychic pain she's in.

Not making excuses, it's just a different brain. People with BPD have a hard time regulating emotions, and when they trigger, it takes longer to return to baseline. Like Skip said, there is also impulsivity.

[Squander]

Thanks for the comments.  I would read posts from this board while her and I were still together, and I remember thinking there was no way she has the ability to do some of the things people talk about.  You are correct re her thinking I was abandoning her.  The rage came on very fast, and there was no stopping it at that point.  It is one thing to read about these things.  It is a completely different thing to have it happen to you.

The comment about their brains "being different" does help give me a bit of perspective.  But good grief, it is VERY difficult to have empathy for her. 

[Skip]

But good grief, it is VERY difficult to have empathy for her. 

We can have empathy.  It helps many of us.  Empathy is understanding (like Livednlearned example) the disorder and the person withing.

I think the question is more about having sympathy or compassion. It's hard to feel caring or sorrowful for someone that goes into the red zone and punishes us to achieve emotional relief and escape pain and hurt. For those who has been abused , there are really three steps of recovery... .recognizing the abuse and its affect on us, mourning the loss (s), and applying what we have learned and redirecting. The sympathy or compassion decision typically comes in the late stage of this and some people embrace it and some others don't - and experts see the most important factor being to select what helps you heal.

[livednlearned]

The rage came on very fast, and there was no stopping it at that point.   

Have you done a post mortem about what happened?

Sometimes revisiting can help shake out the tension so the trauma doesn't keep us gripped.

Do you have a T to talk to?

[Squander]

Yes I do.  I tell him the hardest part of having empathy is it doesn't help the healing process (yet).  It is easier to be angry at a person (her) than it is to be angry at a condition (BPD).  I hope that makes sense.

Having said that, I do believe I am on the path to forgiveness, or at least to indifference.  I once doubted I would ever recover from the experience, but I can feel myself doing just that. 

I believe there are several keys to recovery from a failed BPD relationship, but for me the biggest key has been NC.  NC has given me the time to heal, and it gives me a sense that I control what happens to me.  Maintaining NC, frankly, is the easy part (now).  Overcoming the guilt and shame from that relationship is the toughest part.  And stopping the obsessive thinking.  It is getting better,  but it is still going to take awhile. 

[guy4caligirl]

Squander you're on the right path . I have done it and you can,  if you have any questions about how to maintain NC just ask >

[Skip]

I tell him the hardest part of having empathy is it doesn't help the healing process (yet).  It is easier to be angry at a person (her) than it is to be angry at a condition (BPD).  I hope that makes sense.

You texted her back?

[Squander]

Thank you guy4caligirl.  I will do that.

Skip - I did not text her.