Radical acceptance...ninja stepmom - arrrggghhhhhh

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

so earlier this week I was on this board reading posts while feeling a bit sorry for myself, tired of the antics of DHs uBPDx boundary pushing and general negativity towards DH and by proxy me. I had let the negativity get to me and was starting to let it affect my relationship with my husband. But then I looked to the right at the successful shared parenting links and thought to myself, for about the millionth time, be the better person. Try radical acceptance. You can't control what that woman does or says, you can only control your own actions and language. K.

And you know what? it works. Post thanksgiving - which the kids had spent with uBPDx and her parents - When they came back to us we were able to ooh and ahh over their time with family and be very supportive. I was feeling good by being affirming. I was making the effort at really hearing what my husband would say about any communication with uBPDx but not escalating - so supporting without adding any negativity. I was feeling better. My husband appreciated my effort. Yay family!

Fast forward a few days.

SS has an outpatient surgery this week (the week after Thanksgiving) and DH and uBPDx were of course present. As they were preparing to leave, hospital staff asks 'who should we contact if neither of you can be reached.' DH says, 'highroadstepmom'. UBPDx absolutely refuses and insists that the person listed is one of her friends who has bought into the blacking of DH. Okay. Whatevs. Goes with the stepmom territory. radical acceptance right? "It's okay," I said to DH, "she still doesn't seem to be able to accept that I am (and have been for years) a parent figure in SS life." Yay me! This stuff works!

SS comes home to us after surgery for DH's custodial days. (he's doing great BTW).

We made arrangements for older SD to watch SS today while my husband and I are at work. When she learned of this, uBPDx complained to DH that SD would only 'try to be cool and not put SS health interests first'. Whatevs again. SD loves to be with younger SS and vice versa. SS is uber responsible. And, childcare is not uBPDx's concern on DH custodial days. Being radically accepting I say to DH, "please don't tell your daughter that uBPDx said those things about her ... .it would only hurt her."

I'm feeling good. I'm a freakin' radical acceptance stepmom NINJA!

Then, this morning, while SD is watching SS, uBPDx texts SD and says "I may call or stop by today." ... .as in come to OUR house... .uninvited! SD replies, "does dad know?" uBPDx replies, "does he need to?"  now, uBPDx calling SS at any time - No problemo. Showing up to enter our home, without our knowledge? What the heck? SD of course replied "yes, dad needs to know."

This woman was putting SD in a position of deciding whether to let uBPDx into our house (if you love me you'll let me in to your dad's house without him knowing), deciding whether to tell us (if you loved me you would keep the secret), or lying to us (dummy DH and highroadstepmom), etc. etc. etc. She has put SD in a position of 'you are wrong no matter what choice you make'. Who does that? oh yeah, BPDs.

So I reply to SD, "I'm sorry you had to reply to that. I can imagine that it's very hard for a parent to be away from a child who just had surgery. For the record, uBPDx is not allowed in our house unless your father or I are present. It has been a stressful time for her lately. We really appreciate you sitting with SS today."

And then... .I left my husband a vmail at work using some unpleasant descriptive words about this BOUNDARY pushing... .and that he really needs to fire off a BIFF about this. And I was so mad that I actually drafted a BIFF and sent it to him for his consideration.

I'm livid. I feel horrible for SD who only wants to be loved by uBPDx. If uBPDx learns that SD told me or DH of this absurd request (which she will when DH sends a BIFF), she will berate SD (as she has in the past) with language like "if you have a problem with me you need to deal with me directly". DH has asked uBPDx numerous times to not make requests that would put SD in the 'middle' of uBPDx and DH.

I know there's no solution. I know this is the kind of 'normal' I married. I know that uBPDx can't understand that SD and SS can love us all. I adore my blended family. And... .I will use my drive home to get myself in a frame of mind to be constructive and supportive to both DH, SS, and SD.

Maybe I should change my name to Ninja Stepmom.

Regardless, I will still endeavor to be the better person. I will continue to work on radical acceptance. I will keep telling myself that I can't control what uBPDx does or says, I can only control my own actions and language.

[highroadstepmom]

so earlier this week I was on this board reading posts while feeling a bit sorry for myself, tired of the antics of DHs uBPDx boundary pushing and general negativity towards DH and by proxy me. I had let the negativity get to me and was starting to let it affect my relationship with my husband. But then I looked to the right at the successful shared parenting links and thought to myself, for about the millionth time, be the better person. Try radical acceptance. You can't control what that woman does or says, you can only control your own actions and language. K.

And you know what? it works. Post thanksgiving - which the kids had spent with uBPDx and her parents - When they came back to us we were able to ooh and ahh over their time with family and be very supportive. I was feeling good by being affirming. I was making the effort at really hearing what my husband would say about any communication with uBPDx but not escalating - so supporting without adding any negativity. I was feeling better. My husband appreciated my effort. Yay family!

Fast forward a few days.

SS has an outpatient surgery this week (the week after Thanksgiving) and DH and uBPDx were of course present. As they were preparing to leave, hospital staff asks 'who should we contact if neither of you can be reached.' DH says, 'highroadstepmom'. UBPDx absolutely refuses and insists that the person listed is one of her friends who has bought into the blacking of DH. Okay. Whatevs. Goes with the stepmom territory. radical acceptance right? "It's okay," I said to DH, "she still doesn't seem to be able to accept that I am (and have been for years) a parent figure in SS life." Yay me! This stuff works!

SS comes home to us after surgery for DH's custodial days. (he's doing great BTW).

We made arrangements for older SD to watch SS today while my husband and I are at work. When she learned of this, uBPDx complained to DH that SD would only 'try to be cool and not put SS health interests first'. Whatevs again. SD loves to be with younger SS and vice versa. SS is uber responsible. And, childcare is not uBPDx's concern on DH custodial days. Being radically accepting I say to DH, "please don't tell your daughter that uBPDx said those things about her ... .it would only hurt her."

I'm feeling good. I'm a freakin' radical acceptance stepmom NINJA!

Then, this morning, while SD is watching SS, uBPDx texts SD and says "I may call or stop by today." ... .as in come to OUR house... .uninvited! SD replies, "does dad know?" uBPDx replies, "does he need to?"  now, uBPDx calling SS at any time - No problemo. Showing up to enter our home, without our knowledge? What the heck? SD of course replied "yes, dad needs to know."

This woman was putting SD in a position of deciding whether to let uBPDx into our house (if you love me you'll let me in to your dad's house without him knowing), deciding whether to tell us (if you loved me you would keep the secret), or lying to us (dummy DH and highroadstepmom), etc. etc. etc. She has put SD in a position of 'you are wrong no matter what choice you make'. Who does that? oh yeah, BPDs.

So I reply to SD, "I'm sorry you had to reply to that. I can imagine that it's very hard for a parent to be away from a child who just had surgery. For the record, uBPDx is not allowed in our house unless your father or I are present. It has been a stressful time for her lately. We really appreciate you sitting with SS today."

And then... .I left my husband a vmail at work using some unpleasant descriptive words about this BOUNDARY pushing... .and that he really needs to fire off a BIFF about this. And I was so mad that I actually drafted a BIFF and sent it to him for his consideration.

I'm livid. I feel horrible for SD who only wants to be loved by uBPDx. If uBPDx learns that SD told me or DH of this absurd request (which she will when DH sends a BIFF), she will berate SD (as she has in the past) with language like "if you have a problem with me you need to deal with me directly". DH has asked uBPDx numerous times to not make requests that would put SD in the 'middle' of uBPDx and DH.

I know there's no solution. I know this is the kind of 'normal' I married. I know that uBPDx can't understand that SD and SS can love us all. I adore my blended family. And... .I will use my drive home to get myself in a frame of mind to be constructive and supportive to both DH, SS, and SD.

Maybe I should change my name to Ninja Stepmom.

Regardless, I will still endeavor to be the better person. I will continue to work on radical acceptance. I will keep telling myself that I can't control what uBPDx does or says, I can only control my own actions and language.

[david]

On a positive note, SD understands and her reply of , "yes, dad needs to know" is a great reply. SD set a boundary and she knew what the boundary is. Good for her. No more and no less.

My ex ran away in 2007. I only communicate through email. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month telling me what is wrong with me/pointing out something ex deems as poor parenting/blah blah blah. I now get around 10 a month. I consider that progress. I only reply to ones that address an issue involving our boys and I only address the particular issue. I ignore all the other stuff. This site taught me that negative engagement is still engagement.

I would wager that uBPDx understands the boundary too since she replied with "does he need to ?". Again, good for SD.

[bravhart1]

i wish i could join you in your new found attitude. I've been attending this pity party for a while now and I'd like to leave.

I know this board is meant as support, but I also wish I could find a step moms support group. I've had about all I can take these days and I'm put in the no win postition of having to choose between having to leave my very dear husband who I love, and continuing in this very crazy making situation where my home feels like it has a little spy in it, my paycheck goes 100% to BPD's drama through attorney fees, therapists and jeans and jackets that don't get returned, and I never know when I'm going to get filleted on the internet, at work (by way of false negative reviews), or by a seven year old.

I don't do any self care any more and I don't have any social life left. I work so many hours and then have to take care of SD.

I applaud your efforts to try to not get drug down in the negativity, to not make it worse. I want to get there as I don't even recognize the bitter woman in the mirror who resembles me.

I hope it can get better for all of us, but geez these pwBPD are like energizer bunnies, they NEVER seem to tire of the fight.

If you have more to share about your new found survival tips, I will eat them up!

I've had the shine worn off of me and I'd like to find a way to get it back.

[Catsmother]

Hey Ninja Stepmom, formerly known as highroadstepmom, congratulations on what you have managed to achieve. I hope one day to get to some sort of whatever, near to what you have described. Whether it will happen or not, only time will tell. There are times that I have felt an overwhelming desire just to put things behind us all, but then something happens, and the desire is squashed. Splattered on the pavement like an annoying bug. I did achieve recently a 'chatty Cathy" moment with BM, and I am sure that I have bamboozled her with that one. It was probably more for myself that I did that, rather than for her. It was my way of showing myself that I can do things that I wouldn't necessarily do.

As for bravhart1, there are some online support groups. PM if you like, and I can give you some info. And I hear you, and emphasise with you regarding the money, and the no win position. I have now been in SS's life for 9 years. And it is still a struggle, but little by little, DH and I are slowly getting there.

Chin up ladies, we have a tough job, and we are dealing with a tough crowd, but at the end of the day, our step children will all be the better for knowing us.

[Ulysses]

Perhaps this is too off-topic for this post, but bravhart1, why do you give your salary toward H legal battles with his ex-wife?  It sounds like you feel you've given much of yourself on behalf of your H.  There sounds like there is a lot of difficult and even illegal behavior on the part of your H's ex-wife.  My exNPD/BPDh also engages in behavior that violates our parenting plan, although our divorce is recent so I'm at the stage where I've lowered my expectations and am documenting to establish patterns.  I worry about the effect of his actions on my children, and although what he does is mean and is often not  healthy for my children, my lawyer doesn't think I have enough yet to ask for a parent evaluator.  While I was married (almost two decades), I spent many years giving up more and more of myself and what is important to me to placate my exNPD/BPDh.  It didn't work, and I became someone I didn't recognize.  Not bitter, just wimpy.  I'm still working through that.  I hope you can step away, set your boundaries, and put yourself first.  I would wonder why you are financially supporting custody battles that belong to your H, especially if you feel you're becoming someone you don't want to be, and you are spending more energy and resources on this than you want to.  I hope you find a balance you're happy with. 

highroadstepmom, I think the text you sent SD seemed like it validated her and showed empathy toward her mom.  Speaking as a mother, it would be difficult for me to not be able to take care of one of my children who had just had surgery, and see that left to my child's sibling (although I can't imagine wanting to secretly enter the ex's house, and put my child in a situation where they were in cahoots with me about it).  If your SD will experience the backlash from your H sending a BIFF email, what if he doesn't send it?  Your SD apparently knows what your boundaries are, and acts in accordance, so perhaps your H doesn't need to send it?  I don't know what the right answer is.  I'm struggling with this because my exH has asked the children to withhold information from me.  My D's T is working with her on being open and honest and sharing these things with me, and I'm trying to be very careful in being positive and not doing something that will cause a backlash for my D.  It's difficult for me to navigate and I'm not sure yet if I'm making the right choices.

[Nope]

They never get tired of the fight because they only feel comfortable in chaos. I think having so many step moms at the end of our ropes right now is partially due to the holidays. We are all under more than usual stress this time of year and BPDmoms tend to act out worse this season as well. Those two factors alone are a powder keg. Then add all the normal day to day stress that would come with having a blended family on top of that.

Bravhart, self care is mandatory. Even if that means 30 minutes a night to just read in bed. My T warns me all the time that if I'm feeling bitter and resentful then I've gone way past an acceptable point without self care. She says I should never even allow myself to get anywhere near that point before I back off and focus on me. I take this seriously (usually) and it's helped the kids immensely to have a more calm and even tempered step mom even if they get very aggravated by my boundaries.

"Ninja", I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Maybe your SD could address it with her mom as an issue of fairness going forward? I.e. " Mom, I always want to be fair to you and I would NEVER let dad into your home without telling you. So you see why I can't do it here." Not saying it'll work, but it's worth a try. Other then that, I can tell you that I've heard many times that this is a marathon and not a sprint. So we all have years ahead of us to work on being more compassionate souls. After all, it's not like the BPD people in our lives are going to change.

[sanemom]

Ninja Stepmom, I applaud you and I am applauding your SD even more.  I think that is huge.  My teen stepsons are just now realizing that they can set boundaries... I think of how much damage could have been prevented and how much money could have been saved had they learned that years ago.  Keep on teaching her those boundaries!

Bravhart, I totally get you.  I have been the victim of smear campaigns and of spending too much of my money towards the battle.  Sometimes you have to, and it is really bad.  My own kids are losing out because of this mess, and I am looking for ways to stop that as much as possible.  I was hoping to stop court all together, but we were pretty much forced into court by false allegations, and now we are being forced into paying guideline child support for a BPD woman who NEVER paid her well below state guideline child support.   I have been in SM support groups, but the ones I were in ended up not being helpful--I think the stuff I was sharing was so crazy that they were starting to think I was making it up.

For us sometimes the only thing that keeps us going is the countdown on DH's watch--I think there are about 1000 more days left until the youngest is 18.  I know it won't end then, but the legal expenses will and the "have tos" will.

[bravhart1]

Well you certainly struck a cord with all us worn down step mom, high road/ninja.

Maybe WE should have our own category!

Thanks for the words if support,   to all the step moms out there fighting the good fight.

I'm off to put in another double shift at work, I know poor me, I can't help it