Honeymoon phase during recycles

[Jenna74]

This is my first post here, forgive me if I mess up on the lingo.  My ex-BPD and I have been NC for four months.  We have been back and forth for three years.  This last time was when we started talking again after about 4 month NC, just as "friends" for months.  He had broken up with his ex-gf and then got back together with her during this time.  Immediately said it was a mistake and begged for another chance.  There was some serious love bombing going on.  I finally said ok but he had to end everything with her before we tried again.  He did and then within two days he went from soo in love with me, telling everyone he was soo in love with me to right back to her and completely discarded me.  Now they are all over social media, went on trips, did everything he promised he would do with me (not that I bought it but man I wanted to.).

My question is, when you all have gone through recycles, how long does the honeymoon phase last?  I'm curious if this thing is going to last with them this time (they have been through 3/4 breakups as well) and I'm wondering mostly because I need to prepare for him to try to recycle me eventually.  I can't go back, I'm fully aware of this now but when he is around it's like a heroin fix and I find myself being sucked back in regardless of how much I don't want to.  Also, and this is petty to admit, I guess I don't want them happy because that's who he keeps leaving me for.  But it's mostly to be prepared.

[hopealways]

From my experience the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter. They discard when you are no longer of value to them. Ugh this disorder is so awful. I hate thinking people out there think of a fellow human as a commodity but they do.

Eventually he will leave the new girl and if you are available and were nice, they will come back. But the nature of the disorder is a "history of tumultuous relationships" so if they have a stable relationship with you or another then they're not BPD then are they?

[Jenna74]

From my experience the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter. They discard when you are no longer of value to them. Ugh this disorder is so awful. I hate thinking people out there think of a fellow human as a commodity but they do.

Eventually he will leave the new girl and if you are available and were nice, they will come back. But the nature of the disorder is a "history of tumultuous relationships" so if they have a stable relationship with you or another then they're not BPD then are they?

This is very true, however the "stability" in the relationships usually is good for a couple weeks, then there are issues/problems.  Then things start getting bad, I would personally become anxious and completely preoccupied by the entire situation and then, snap, minor love bombing would begin again and I would feel better although still uneasy.  I know in another relationship he had with a different woman it was the same thing since she and I finally compared stories and he had cheated on us both with the other the entire time.  She and I agreed that he was good usually for about 3-4 weeks before lying or something shady would come up. 

This just seems like a long time for him to be fairly "stable" with someone but when I say stable, I don't mean it's smooth.  However I have cut off a lot of mutual friends as well, for my own sanity, and I don't really poke around to find out.

[JaneStorm]

From my experience the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter. They discard when you are no longer of value to them. Ugh this disorder is so awful. I hate thinking people out there think of a fellow human as a commodity but they do.

Eventually he will leave the new girl and if you are available and were nice, they will come back. But the nature of the disorder is a "history of tumultuous relationships" so if they have a stable relationship with you or another then they're not BPD then are they?

Perfectly said. With the lack of impulse control and self-destructive behavior, I will not accept this kind of behavior. I will not get an STD from him and STILL end up being discarded. That is what would happen if I let the discarding come more often; each time his behavior was more destructive, punishing, and reactive. I told him last night (for the last time), "I love you so very much... .however, I love me more."

[Cane787]

Damn. I wish I would've said for my last sentence what you had, Jane.

Although she just would have told everyone that knew us that she had to give up because I said I love my crack more. Something completely fabricated, for revenge of course, because that would make perfect sense to her.

Frightening.

[apollotech]

Hi Jenna,

Unfortunately, because we were intimately involved emotionally with our respective exSO's, we became triggers for them. I personally have never seen, heard, nor read of an example where that occurance can be reversed. IMHO, once engulfment can be triggered, the discard is not far behind it. I think that's what we, the Non's, are up against during recycles. As mentioned in an earlier post, the idealization phase becomes shorter and shorter with each recycle; as a result, the frequency of the idealization/devaluation cycle increases. That's not good or healthy for either party.

A BPD relationship closely follows the laws governing entropy---with each consecutive failure (recycle) it takes more and more resources (usually emotional and caregiving from the Non) to keep the chaos (next failure/discard) at bay.

JaneStorm gave an example of this:

"... .each time his behavior was more destructive, punishing, and reactive."

[lovenature]

The cycle of a BPD relationship always repeats the same way; idealization, engulfment, devaluation. There is no way to have a healthy relationship without years of therapy and no guarantee of a worthwhile relationship in the end, sadly most pwBPD will never get the help they need and continue to blame others for their problems. I think the saddest part of the disorder for both partners is the fact that the more you love them, the more they push you away and ultimately cause their greatest fear (abandonment) to become reality.

Know that continued contact will only cause you more pain, remember how you have felt when a recycle is attempted so you can remain NC. Know that you can't help your partner, only they can choose to help themselves. Focus on you so healing can begin.

[steve195915]

I think the saddest part of the disorder for both partners is the fact that the more you love them, the more they push you away and ultimately cause their greatest fear (abandonment) to become reality.

Isn't it so ironic that the more you love them, the more they push you away and realize their greatest fear of abandonment to become a reality and when its them initiating the breakup, they seem to feel no pain and can jump right into another. 

I did so much research on BPD, learned validation and empathy, learned to not take things personally and showed consistent love.  I diffused any bad arguments and minimized any bad times with my BPDgf so what happens?  We get along better than ever, she tells me how much she loves me, how awesome I am, how I can always count on her to be there for me, then the next day she says she's done with the relationship with no reason or explanation.  Absolutely crazy!

[SummerStorm]

Mine was just recycling our friendship, but it's still basically the same as what everyone else said.

The first recycle came after her breakup with the guy who saved her life.  He was the guy she chose over me.  Even though she tried to hide it, she was clearly upset about it.  She was cold and distant with me and would sometimes go days without texting me.  Most of her replies were one word answers.  This lasted a month.  I said some things that triggered her abandonment fears and then said some things that triggered her engulfment fears.  She called me crazy, and that was that.  There wasn't really a honeymoon phase during this recycle.  I did get away with saying some things that made her mad, and even when I could tell that she was dysregulated, she replied to me.  Sometimes, it wasn't nice, but she eventually got over it.

The second recycle came after her breakup (?) with her most recent guy.  I added the question mark because, according to my friend, her relationship status still says she's with him.  Either way, I saw her on Tinder a few hours after she changed her profile pic and removed her status.  This guy has nothing about her on his page, so she might just be mirroring his view of how a relationship should appear on social media.  It's hard to tell.  After a day of being on Tinder, she stopped.  I'm not sure if it was because she saw me on there, she reconciled with her boyfriend, or she just didn't have any luck.  Again, it's hard to tell.  Really, she may have just gone on there to see if I was still on it.  But anyway, this recycle lasted a whopping 6 days.  There wasn't really a honeymoon phase, though she did text me a lot for the first four days.  This time, I said one wrong thing, and she blocked me right away.   

[SummerStorm]

The cycle of a BPD relationship always repeats the same way; idealization, engulfment, devaluation. There is no way to have a healthy relationship without years of therapy and no guarantee of a worthwhile relationship in the end, sadly most pwBPD will never get the help they need and continue to blame others for their problems. I think the saddest part of the disorder for both partners is the fact that the more you love them, the more they push you away and ultimately cause their greatest fear (abandonment) to become reality.

Know that continued contact will only cause you more pain, remember how you have felt when a recycle is attempted so you can remain NC. Know that you can't help your partner, only they can choose to help themselves. Focus on you so healing can begin.

This time, I spoke about how I didn't want her to leave again.  I told her to let me know if I was overwhelming her.  I told her I was happy to have her in my life.  Ultimately, none of it mattered. 

[Cane787]

@love nature I think your writing here will help keep me safe. I'm saving it, always. THANK YOU.

The cycle of a BPD relationship always repeats the same way; idealization, engulfment, devaluation. There is no way to have a healthy relationship without years of therapy and no guarantee of a worthwhile relationship in the end, sadly most pwBPD will never get the help they need and continue to blame others for their problems. I think the saddest part of the disorder for both partners is the fact that the more you love them, the more they push you away and ultimately cause their greatest fear (abandonment) to become reality.

Know that continued contact will only cause you more pain, remember how you have felt when a recycle is attempted so you can remain NC. Know that you can't help your partner, only they can choose to help themselves. Focus on you so healing can begin.

[lovenature]

We are all here to help each other; read, learn, post, we all have a lot of healing to do.

I wish you well going forward.

[burritoman]

Is a "recycle" clearly defined as a period where they break up with you, date somebody else, then return to you? Is it normally considered separate from break up/make ups where they don't see anybody else?

[JaneStorm]

Is a "recycle" clearly defined as a period where they break up with you, date somebody else, then return to you? Is it normally considered separate from break up/make ups where they don't see anybody else?

My understanding is breaking up but not necessarily dating others; it is the return - break up - return; recycle.

[lovenature]

It is up to you if a recycle happens; your ex pwBPD can try to seduce you into coming back to them, but only you can be the mature adult and ignore their attempts.

Remember how it has always gone; it will never change unless they commit to years of DBT and be honest about it (not manipulate their therapist).

Take care of you!

[icntblvethis]

...  Now they are all over social media, went on trips, did everything he promised he would do with me...

Do pwbpd do this a lot — i.e., they start doing or planning the exact same things with their new partner that they planned with the partner they just discarded (often just days ago)? Going on trips or even getting married. If so, why? I’ve heard it happening more than once. Do they just swap partners and it doesn’t really matter to them which person they take a vacation with or even marry, for that matter? Are boyfriends/girlfriends all just interchangeable to them? idgi

[brighter future]

Do pwbpd do this a lot — i.e., they start doing or planning the exact same things with their new partner that they planned with the partner they just discarded (often just days ago)? Going on trips or even getting married. If so, why? I’ve heard it happening more than once. Do they just swap partners and it doesn’t really matter to them which person they take a vacation with or even marry, for that matter? Are boyfriends/girlfriends all just interchangeable to them? idgi

@icntblvethis,

That has been my experience based on my past relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f. She changed viewpoints, goals, values, etc. frequently, and I didn't know if I was coming or going in the relationship. I think most people on this forum would tell you a similar story.  pwBPD just think in the moment and are usually very impulsive. Usually, they don't think of others when they are in extreme emotional pain and just look for the quickest fix possible to try and resolve that pain. My ex told me I was the "man of her dreams" and that she "wanted to be married to me more than anything" right up until the time that she discarded me. I was totally blindsided at the time of the discard. She had been having a difficult time emotionally in the few months leading up to the discard, but she always assured me that what she was dealing with "had little to nothing to do with me." At the time of the discard, it was all my fault because I would not propose to her, and she stated that "All I did was drag her down."

My ex cut off intimacy at least 4 times during our relationship because it was triggering what she described as "crazy things" inside of her head even though she felt our intimate relationship was loving and healthy. I expect one of the things it triggered was the fear of abandonment. Close to 4 months before our breakup, she stated that we could no longer be intimate because of religious reasons and that she "wasn't going to be a single mom that slept with her boyfriend. And, I am not going to play house with anyone or live with anyone prior to marriage."  She was very insistent about her religious beliefs and said that there was no other option for her, and I said that I respected that.  We had planned on going on some overnight trips and a camping trip alone without our children from our previous marriages.  After she cut off the intimacy, she said we could no longer go on these trips because she "didn't trust herself to behave." She then began applying more pressure for an engagement/marriage and stated several times that she needed help for her emotional issues. However, she never did get help. That is what held me back from getting engaged.

She abruptly discarded me a few months later and said that she could no longer wait on an engagement and was "no longer going to live like this." We talked some on and off for two weeks about working things out by seeing a counselor together. She sent me a text one Saturday morning and rubbed it in my face that she had been out on a car date the previous night "with an old friend." Turns out, it was the guy she rebounded with right after she left her husband. She discarded this guy to start dating me, which I found out about approximately six weeks into our relationship.   I heard from mutual friends that they started going on overnight trips together less than 2 months into the relationship, which went against everything that she preached to me earlier before we broke up. I was also told 5-6  months ago that she was at one time considering giving up her religion for a less strict one, I assume because she is sleeping with her new boyfriend. That way she doesn't have to feel as guilty about premarital sex.  As I said earlier, she told me that there was no other option for her as far as religion went while she and I were together.  Mutual friends told me 3 months into her new relationship that she started to hit the new guy up for marriage. They said he wasn't interested and that marriage scared him. Supposedly, shortly after the marriage inquiry (when he said he wasn't interested), she invited him to move into her home with her children. That was also after she told me that she "would not play house with anyone or live with anyone prior to marriage because it set a bad example for her kids."

As you can see, there was no consistency at all with her. A few months before we broke up, I was frustrated with her over her everchanging values, goals, impulsivity, etc. and told her that I was just looking for a little consistency from her. Her reply was, "I don't want to be consistent, nor do I ever plan to be. I want to grow and change every day." You just can't have a stable relationship with someone like that, and I don't miss the stress from that craziness at all.  It was also a co-dependent relationship in that I was constantly rescuing her. Co-dependent relationships are unhealthy and do not benefit either party.

I wish you all the best in your journey. I hope that I was able to help you by sharing some of my experiences.

[icntblvethis]

Thank you for sharing your experience — That had to be rough. I know what you mean about not knowing whether you’re coming or going. I think they may even mean some of the things they say at the time. But their emotions can change on a dime. So their “truth” can change just as quickly. A body could get whiplash from being in a relationship with some pwbpd!.

Usually, they don't think of others when they are in extreme emotional pain and just look for the quickest fix possible to try and resolve that pain.

Yeah unfortunately I think many of them are in extreme emotional pain most of the time, which is sad. It’s so hard to see but it’s got to be even tougher for them.