Husband's birthday today. Wish me luck.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm sure most of you with BPD spouses are not new to how holidays and birthdays freak them out. This year is my husband's 50th birthday. It's a big one. For months, he kept saying he wanted a quiet birthday just us two. About a month ago, he started flip flopping between that and organizing a big dinner with his family.

Finally, he sort of decides he wants a big deal out of his birthday. OK. I ask him if there's anywhere specific he would like to eat. He said let them (his siblings) choose. OK. I get with everyone, make arrangements, scout a place I know he would have liked but they couldn't accommodate the seating. So, I went with his sister's suggestion.

I let him know a place has been set and whatnot, and then he tells me it's HIS birthday so HE should get to choose the restaurant. I said OK... .fine. Pick something. He then says he's just being pugnacious and a drama queen so never mind him. OOK.

So, we go back to Plan A. He is getting dinner with his family. After that, for just the two of us we are going to one of those escape rooms where you have to solve a puzzle in a certain time frame for the door to open. His gifts are a bottle of his favorite bourbon, a song I paid one of his favorite artists to write about him, a signed book from another favorite musician, and a new watch.

I'm crossing my fingers everything goes off without a hitch and that he feels like a 'big deal' was made out of his birthday.

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[Cat Familiar]

Wishing you luck! Sounds like a nice party. I know how it is to hold your breath and hope he's happy. 

My husband's sister invited herself for a week around Christmastime. I'm going to sit back and watch the fireworks between those two. Yikes... .

[ColdEthyl]

Luckily he gets along great with his family. He disappears on them for months at time, and when he pops back up they just act like nothing is amiss. They just know he's wonky and roll with it. They don't want to talk about it, mind you, but they are aware.

I racked my brain to come up with gifts and an activity that would make him feel special. I hope he does. I'm trying to set myself up mentally if he doesn't because I put so much thought into this it will be a stinger if he throws a fit about anything.

[Eyeamme]

Good luck! It sounds so special. Let us know.

[Grey Kitty]

Putting the effort in to make it something special and be what he wants is really sweet. Good work.

Dunno whether he will need to blow up and find fault, or choose to be happy. Crossing my fingers for you.

[goodintentions]

In my experience, no amount of thought, planning or money can ensure success. A perfect evening can trigger abandonment fears in my uBPDw.

I try to focus on having little expectations myself, and rehearse validation ahead of time. You already know you'll feel the sting on this one if he dysregulates - can you process through this in advance so that you aren't surprised by your own emotions? Then maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Sounds like you put a lot of thought into a special day for him. Here's hoping it goes off without a hitch!

[ColdEthyl]

I'm happy to say everything went great.

He got a little miffed at the restaurant deal (He said "You shouldn't have picked the restaurant for me then make me go find it" ... .even though he had ample time to choose the setting/look up where it was) but I just nodded and it was dropped.

On Saturday, we went to the escape room and I didn't tell him where we were going until about an hour before we were going to leave. At this time he said he wished he knew where we were going because "I don't have anything clean to wear at all and I would have done laundry"

1. No, he wouldn't do laundry.

2. "I don't have anything clean to wear at all" = That one thing I want to wear is dirty, so I'll ignore the other 10 pairs of jeans I have that are clean.

I think that was more just nerves than anything else. When we got there, he was just fine and really enjoyed it. I had worried about doing a timed puzzle with a BPDer, but he only got a little edgy once.

Overall, he enjoyed his gifts, his dinner, his activity, and everything. No dysregulations at all. Those little things I mentioned always happen when he's nervous, so they were not surprising and I didn't react badly to them.

[Eyeamme]

Yay! I was so crossing my fingers for you. Thanks for letting us know!

[EmotionalWarfare]

Yay!  Success!  Good job!  Hopefully he is nothing like my wife.  She would think about this over time then later tell me all that I did wrong and how I really didn't consider what she wanted by planning it all without her.  That I only did what I wanted to do.  This happened on my wife's 40th a few years ago.  Great job!  I am glad to hear things went well.  It is so tragic when a memorable milestone like this is overshadowed with negativity.  I am happy for you that things went well.

[ColdEthyl]

Yay!  Success!  Good job!  Hopefully he is nothing like my wife.  She would think about this over time then later tell me all that I did wrong and how I really didn't consider what she wanted by planning it all without her.  That I only did what I wanted to do.  This happened on my wife's 40th a few years ago.  Great job!  I am glad to hear things went well.  It is so tragic when a memorable milestone like this is overshadowed with negativity.  I am happy for you that things went well.

Well, he might still. If something happened, he tends to bottle it up and blow up about it a few days later in a ridiculous fashion... .typical BPD style. The something happening could be anything, so that's always an adventure

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad it went well... .so far... .

[ColdEthyl]

I'm glad it went well... .so far... .

Pretty sure the smoke is cleared at this point so I think I'm good yay

[ColdEthyl]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I spoke too soon. Almost a full month after his birthday, and I get the dysregulation. He actually stewed in it that long. Either that, or he just used it as a reason to throw a fit.

He started out with a regular one he complains about. He get angry if I talk about anything AT ALL when i first get home from work. I thought it was just if I was upset about work, but nope... .if i don't drop what I'm doing... .run to him with arms wide open thanking the stars I get to be in his presence... .I'm an ass.

His rant started there, and went into how "since you went and discussed with my sister were I should eat for MY birthday, and everyone KNOWS the person who is HAVING the birthday gets to pick"

... .

I asked his family if they were going to be available for X day. At that point, his sister and sister in law both made suggestions of a place. I told them I had to talk to husband and let them know. When I told husband what they said, I him where he wanted to go. He said "let them decide"

Well... .OK. So, I did.

Of course, when I point this out, he only said it because I went and made plans without his consent, and he hated me right then and there. I ruined his birthday. It was supposed to be special since it was his 50th and all he wanted was to eat where HE wanted and I ruined it.

I ruined it.

I got his favorite things... .racked my brain to come up with a fun activity, coordinated the dinner with his family, came up with unique, special gifts (who the F gets a song written about them all of the time)... .

and I ruined it.

I'm trying to remind myself this man has a mental illness... .but damn it all if this just doesn't hurt like hell.

He started screaming about how he doesn't want gifts for anything... .not his birthday, not his anniversary... .not Christmas... .nothing. Then, throws a lamp across the room and breaks it.

Fine. Wish granted. My basket of F's is now empty. I will buy myself gifts, because God knows HE can't be bothered to even do such a thing. But here again... .I'm the dickhead in a trucker cap.

He further started to yell at me about not watching him play video games. Yeah... .seriously. He's mad that I don't watch him while he's playing a video game, that I do my own thing.

Seriously?

*sighs* This was on Christmas eve. For the past 3 years, he has always dysregulated on Christmas eve. Between the holidays, and his father almost dying, I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. *sighs* Sometimes though... .sometimes this crap just hurts too much for me to deal with.

For those that know my story, btw quick update on his parents. He doesn't call his mother for unknown reasons. His dad almost passed away last Friday... .still won't call her. When he was throwing his fit, he said how pissed off he was at them for moving, and how he won't call her until dad dies.

So, there's that.

*cries*

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! So sorry, Ethyl. Things had been going so good for a while and then this... .

Isn't it amazing at how good their memory is for things where they think their feelings have been slighted? And yet for other things that are important to us well... .

Between Christmas and his father's near death, he's had a lot of triggers. But of course you, as the non, just have to cope with your own triggers and keep going. Not at all fair, compassionate or equal, but we certainly know this is what we can expect in BPDland.

 

[Grey Kitty]

OH honey. I don't know what to say.

You already know how to cope with this kind of crap.

I think you even know you did right on his birthday.

 

[ColdEthyl]

Thank guys I feel better now after writing this. I went home, sat down with him to discuss how I felt about this incident. He looked at me a bit wide eyed, said thought we were fine because the passed few days have been fine, and said he couldn't believe I didn't feel like his birthday went well because he loved the Escape Puzzle night we did.

Living. On. A. Different. Planet.

He said it's because of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday all in a 6 week period and it stresses him out. I figured this was the case, but that doesn't always make it easier to deal with.

I feel better at least he knows how I felt. I also told him I don't think he realizes how his words can impact me. I explained that sometimes I mull over an idea in my head so much, it keeps growing and growing until I can't see past it... .even though I logically know it was never there to begin with. He said he understood that, apologized and hugged me.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Ethyl,

On another thread you mentioned that you're "antisocial" and don't really have friends. I just wanted to challenge those assumptions. From what you write here, I see you as a warm, loving person who really cares about others and can easily imagine their reality. These qualities are prerequisites for friendship and you certainly have shown us here that you have those interpersonal skills.

You and I have shared a bit about having social awkwardness as young people.

Here's what I think: You've got a ton of responsibilities with your children and your brother, not to mention your husband. You work and it sounds like you don't have a lot of like-minded people in your workplace, or the time to develop friendships there.

It's really hard to meet new friends as an adult unless you have certain activities that you do or memberships in groups or church attendance. I keep thinking a great way for you to pursue your interest in photography would be to take a class. Perhaps there's one offered at a local community college or through a university extension course somewhere in your area. That way you could also meet people who share your interests and possibly go on excursions to take pictures. It would be a nice way to get some of your needs met. You do so much to take care of others' needs.   

[ColdEthyl]

Hey Ethyl,

On another thread you mentioned that you're "antisocial" and don't really have friends. I just wanted to challenge those assumptions. From what you write here, I see you as a warm, loving person who really cares about others and can easily imagine their reality. These qualities are prerequisites for friendship and you certainly have shown us here that you have those interpersonal skills.

You and I have shared a bit about having social awkwardness as young people.

Here's what I think: You've got a ton of responsibilities with your children and your brother, not to mention your husband. You work and it sounds like you don't have a lot of like-minded people in your workplace, or the time to develop friendships there.

It's really hard to meet new friends as an adult unless you have certain activities that you do or memberships in groups or church attendance. I keep thinking a great way for you to pursue your interest in photography would be to take a class. Perhaps there's one offered at a local community college or through a university extension course somewhere in your area. That way you could also meet people who share your interests and possibly go on excursions to take pictures. It would be a nice way to get some of your needs met. You do so much to take care of others' needs.   

My husband has mentioned me taking a class a few times, but it feels like a trap But yes, I do plan on doing that if anything can ever calm down long enough

I'm antisocial in my own right because I really don't want friends. I don't trust people anymore. Online is different. No one really knows me... .I can turn the computer off or log out. In real life, because I do sympathize with people and do too much to help, I get used. The best to not get used is to not have friends. Not the healthiest... .I know. It is something I seriously need to work on.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm antisocial in my own right because I really don't want friends. I don't trust people anymore. Online is different. No one really knows me... .I can turn the computer off or log out. In real life, because I do sympathize with people and do too much to help, I get used. The best to not get used is to not have friends. Not the healthiest... .I know. It is something I seriously need to work on.

You've been working on boundaries. That translates to friendship as well. You've also developed more discernment about who you can trust through all that you've learned here, so I doubt if you'd "get used" in the same way you were before.

I know you've got a lot on your plate with work and family responsibilities, but friends can add, rather than detract from life and they can energize you rather than drain you. It seems you've got a lot that drains you already.

Also, you might think about having "acquaintances" rather than "friends" and know them over time before you promote them to the friendspace.

[Grey Kitty]

My husband has mentioned me taking a class a few times, but it feels like a trap But yes, I do plan on doing that if anything can ever calm down long enough

I'm antisocial in my own right because I really don't want friends. I don't trust people anymore. Online is different. No one really knows me... .I can turn the computer off or log out. In real life, because I do sympathize with people and do too much to help, I get used. The best to not get used is to not have friends. Not the healthiest... .I know. It is something I seriously need to work on.

A new activity encouraged sponsored or shared with your husband does sound like a trap 

The other part just sounds heartbreaking to hear.

[ColdEthyl]

My husband has mentioned me taking a class a few times, but it feels like a trap But yes, I do plan on doing that if anything can ever calm down long enough

I'm antisocial in my own right because I really don't want friends. I don't trust people anymore. Online is different. No one really knows me... .I can turn the computer off or log out. In real life, because I do sympathize with people and do too much to help, I get used. The best to not get used is to not have friends. Not the healthiest... .I know. It is something I seriously need to work on.

A new activity encouraged sponsored or shared with your husband does sound like a trap 

The other part just sounds heartbreaking to hear.

Haha well... .I haven't really been around the type of folks that would make me feel otherwise. I'm suspicious of people who are nice to me, I suspect they are just trying to use me for something.

It's heartbreaking for me, too. I know it isn't natural or right for me to feel this way. I logically know things, but it's way too uncomfortable for me to try to anything else. For 3 years, I tried to be a part of my step-mom's church. I joined bible study, went to all kinds of events with them and such.

I'm agnostic now, but at the time I was trying. I tried to fit in somewhere. I tried to believe in God, and do all of these social things because that's what 'normal' people do. I never felt right. I forced myself to go. I felt like an outsider.

I guess that's why I can understand my husband so much. I have similar defective thinking... .I'm just more aware of it and don't have a problem admitting it.

[Cat Familiar]

I've given up on trying to be like other people and doing social norms. I just do what I want.

It's different if you do what you enjoy and meet people that way. Whether or not your husband has suggested a photography class, I think that's an activity you might really enjoy. And you can be as participatory (or not) with other people as you want--it's a class after all.

Who knows, you might find some like minded acquaintance who might turn into a friend.

[ColdEthyl]

Very good point I guess I went about the whole social thing wrong to begin with. As a teen, I wasn't allowed to have a social life. No phone calls, no going to a friend's house, no extra curricular activities (I really wanted to do the school paper and photography back then), no friends coming over, etc.

I think it's impaired me a bit to even know what to do or how to act in social situations. Most of the time, I find people just bazaar. It's bazaar to me for someone to lie and say they like a person, when I heard them earlier complain about them. It's bazaar to me for people to be concerned with brands of things... .like wanting to buy a purse that had giant MK's on it for hundreds of dollars because society says it's cool. It's bazaar to me for people to clump up in groups, and poke fun at the other clumps of groups.

Bazaar.