Need some words of encouragement today

[Depression = 72% of members]

  guys,

I'm having a bit of a rubbish day. I'm off on a one-week trip this afternoon, just getting ready to leave for the airport as we speak, and I'm a bag of anxiety. I decided to arrange this trip a few months back because I knew that Christmas would be difficult for me this year, as I spent the last three Christmases with my now ex. He was very much a part of the family; he's in the annual Christmas photos we always take, and I know it's going to be difficult this year without him.

The holidays are triggering me big style. This time last year him and I were preparing to fly half way around the world to come here, to my home country, to be with my family for a month over the holidays. Christmas decorations, wooly jumpers, festive ads - everything reminds me of him.

We've been broken up for six months now, NC for five and a half. He got engaged to someone else within two months of us splitting and yet here I am, still struggling. I know I've made so much progress over these months and that things are getting easier, but then at moments like this I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.

As I mentioned, this trip was meant to be another part of my 'fake it until you make it' strategy - the fake it here being that I'm hoping that if I pretend to be happy about Christmas and I pretend to be happy about going on a trip, over time I will no longer be pretending. I guess I thought that by this stage the pretence would be over with.

I won't lie; I've been missing him of late, which is difficult because he hurt me so deeply. I try not to apply judgment to my feelings - at the end of the day, I was with this man for three years and we had a whole future planned out together. If I was able to turn off my feelings instantly there would be something wrong with the equation - I'd be more like him.

But that also hurts me. He's moved on. Whether he really has or he's just faking it is a whole other story, but on the outside it seems he has. Friends say he looks miserable in his photos, like he's faking being happy - but it doesn't really matter what the deal is. The reality is we're over, and that's it.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe some words of encouragement I guess. The anxiety I had during the first four months of the breakup is back today and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'll be without my family for a week and I'm so used to having them around now. Maybe it's because I've come to strongly associate travel with him and even just the act of packing my backpack is painful. I'm not sure what it is, I'm just fed up of this whole thing creeping up and biting me still when I least expect it.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

I'm having a bit of a rubbish day. I'm off on a one-week trip this afternoon, just getting ready to leave for the airport as we speak, and I'm a bag of anxiety. I decided to arrange this trip a few months back because I knew that Christmas would be difficult for me this year, as I spent the last three Christmases with my now ex. He was very much a part of the family; he's in the annual Christmas photos we always take, and I know it's going to be difficult this year without him.

The holidays are triggering me big style. This time last year him and I were preparing to fly half way around the world to come here, to my home country, to be with my family for a month over the holidays. Christmas decorations, wooly jumpers, festive ads - everything reminds me of him.

We've been broken up for six months now, NC for five and a half. He got engaged to someone else within two months of us splitting and yet here I am, still struggling. I know I've made so much progress over these months and that things are getting easier, but then at moments like this I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.

As I mentioned, this trip was meant to be another part of my 'fake it until you make it' strategy - the fake it here being that I'm hoping that if I pretend to be happy about Christmas and I pretend to be happy about going on a trip, over time I will no longer be pretending. I guess I thought that by this stage the pretence would be over with.

I won't lie; I've been missing him of late, which is difficult because he hurt me so deeply. I try not to apply judgment to my feelings - at the end of the day, I was with this man for three years and we had a whole future planned out together. If I was able to turn off my feelings instantly there would be something wrong with the equation - I'd be more like him.

But that also hurts me. He's moved on. Whether he really has or he's just faking it is a whole other story, but on the outside it seems he has. Friends say he looks miserable in his photos, like he's faking being happy - but it doesn't really matter what the deal is. The reality is we're over, and that's it.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe some words of encouragement I guess. The anxiety I had during the first four months of the breakup is back today and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'll be without my family for a week and I'm so used to having them around now. Maybe it's because I've come to strongly associate travel with him and even just the act of packing my backpack is painful. I'm not sure what it is, I'm just fed up of this whole thing creeping up and biting me still when I least expect it.

Hopeful

[enlighten me]

Its tough especially when there are so many triggers.

Its easy to have people say "just enjoy yourself" but its so much harder to do. Sometimes we just have to muddle through these tough times. The first time is always the hardest.

I found that as time went by it got so much easier. The rose tinted glasses came off and the special times weren't actually that special. My exs never really did things for me. Any presents weren't normally what I wanted but more of what they thought I would like that fitted with how they wanted me to be. The pressure of finding them the right present always took its toll. Even when it was something that they had been going on about for ages it was never right.

I guess what I am trying to say is re evaluate the good times and see how good they really where. This helped me to detach. Once I realised how one sided they where it took a lot of the sting out of it.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hopeful,

There are times when the whole letting go process is just so hard and so painful. I feel for you. 

What I really want to do though, is this: send you a whole bucket full of love to let you know how special you are.  Please bear in mind, that no matter how unlikely it feels to you today, one day you will be with a partner who loves you for who you are, knows how precious you are and treats you accordingly.

There's a big hug coming over the ether now. Allow yourself to feel safe arms around you, holding you and comforting you in your pain and loss.

Hang onto your hope.

Love Lifewriter

[Hopeful83]

Thank you Enlighten Me - I guess I need to just go through the motions. This is the second trip I'm taking without him; perhaps it's just triggering me more because of the holidays coming up.

The truth is, though, many of the special times we had together really were special. He was very high functioning, so when he wasn't raging, I loved being with him. But I have to accept that those rages - which were awful, abusive and scary - are also a part of him and he's not willing to go and get himself sorted out. He projected all the blame onto me and the relationship when we ended, which shows just how much he's in denial.

I could have never had a healthy relationship with him the way he is. I know this is the truth, but it's just so hard to always remember this, because the great moments really were great. He was thoughtful, caring, loving etc. I really did live with a Jekyll and Hyde.

What a year. I just wish it would end.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful,

There are times when the whole letting go process is just so hard and so painful. I feel for you. 

What I really want to do though, is this: send you a whole bucket full of love to let you know how special you are.  Please bear in mind, that no matter how unlikely it feels to you today, one day you will be with a partner who loves you for who you are, knows how precious you are and treats you accordingly.

There's a big hug coming over the ether now. Allow yourself to feel safe arms around you, holding you and comforting you in your pain and loss.

Hang onto your hope.

Love Lifewriter

Lifewriter,

I just cried reading your post. From the bottom of my heart - thank you. I needed to read those words right now and thank you for taking the time to write to me. Big hug back from me - you also deserve (and will find) a partner who will recognise how precious and caring you are. 

I will get through this. I know. These dark moments are becoming less and less painful.

You're right, though. And I need to stop thinking of my ex as much as I do, because I think it's keeping me stuck. I've done so much post-relationship analysis, and I think it's time to let it go. I just don't know how to.

Hopeful

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hopeful,

I truly believe that your trip will help. Embrace all aspects of it, the memories and the possibilities, the joys and pain, allow the tears to flow if needs be. Take lots of time to be kind to yourself and to process if needed.

You may not see it, but you are letting go... .

Love Lifewriter x

[enlighten me]

Hi Hopeful

I know how you feel. I ended up wishing my life away when my ex wife left me. Hoping that time would make everything better. When I left my uBPD exgf I decided to take the bull by the horns and do things. I had an amazing summer with my boys, made new friends and generally did more. It was so much easier.

When I had good times with my exgf I thought they where mutual. Looking back though the good times depended on her getting what she wanted. I enjoyed going places with her and doing things but I now realise that when we did this and didn't have fun the deciding factor was always her. She didn't enjoy her meal or a show was a let down to her this meant the whole thing was ruined. It didn't matter if I enjoyed it. I sat through things that I quite honestly hated but the evening was still enjoyable.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful,

I truly believe that your trip will help. Embrace all aspects of it, the memories and the possibilities, the joys and pain, allow the tears to flow if needs be. Take lots of time to be kind to yourself and to process if needed.

You may not see it, but you are letting go... .

Love Lifewriter x

Thank you :-) I'm meeting a friend whom I haven't seen in years; we're travelling together for the week and Im really looking forward to catching up with her and exploring the cities we'll be going to. I guess it takes a while to replace three years worth of memories with new ones. I need to continue to be patient with myself - it's just so hard. I really hate that I miss him.

Hopeful x

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful

I know how you feel. I ended up wishing my life away when my ex wife left me. Hoping that time would make everything better. When I left my uBPD exgf I decided to take the bull by the horns and do things. I had an amazing summer with my boys, made new friends and generally did more. It was so much easier.

When I had good times with my exgf I thought they where mutual. Looking back though the good times depended on her getting what she wanted. I enjoyed going places with her and doing things but I now realise that when we did this and didn't have fun the deciding factor was always her. She didn't enjoy her meal or a show was a let down to her this meant the whole thing was ruined. It didn't matter if I enjoyed it. I sat through things that I quite honestly hated but the evening was still enjoyable.

Hello again,

Yeah, that's why I forced myself to book these trips; one I went on in August/September, and now this one. It's a slow process, but I guess it will take more time.

I just want 2015 over with. It think it's something of a psychological thing for me now - 2015 sucked so badly from May onwards. I can't wait for it to be January so that I don't have to think "that really bad thing happened earlier this year." Soon it will be last year. And soon after that it will be many years ago.

[thisworld]

Hi Hopeful,

Kudos to you for going through the motions, even if they are just motions. That is so strong of you in itself and it gives me strength, too. I have just split up from my bfwBPD, my head knows what I want but slips, my heart is confused, I'm very scared because he has some revengeful narcissistic traits and my reality has been shaken badly but tomorrow I will be more powerful and motivated to restart my life because I know, at the other end of the world, you are doing it, too. So, thank you, you are an inspiration to a lot of people:))

I think struggling is not bad in itself, it shows we have awareness. They may be just carrying on as they were, each time appearing more mature and insightful but repeating the same pattern. I have read somewhere on this site that the issue is not their sincerety. Maybe he sincerely has moved on and is happy with his new partner; the problem is he will not be consistent. Then he will sincerely miss you maybe, but he will not be consistent in that either. Then he will sincerely miss her... .maybe the problem is not how real these things are but all of them are real without any consistency. How many times can you allow your life shaken by these whims - for lack of a better word. Will you always have the energy or start feeling that you are wasting your life? Do you really want sincere love with no consistency?

One day, in the middle of all those motions, you will notice that some time has passed without you thinking about him. That you were able to leave yourself to the moment without being pained by the past or the future. Just a little flicker of light. And then those moments will become more and more. You and motions will re-unite in a beautiful world that loves and appreciates you for who you are, consistently and without pulling the rug from under your feet.

Wish you calm and peaceful time with those around you,     

[Beacher]

Hi Hopeful,

I can relate to your pain. I also remember those absolutely wonderful times and wonder how the hell did we get to where we are now? We were a match made in heaven - met late in life and everyone was so happy for me. Now I feel nothing but misery, fear and dread for a future without him. With that being said, I keep the awful emails and a few conversations I recorded when he was particularly abusive and refer back to them every time I think  there may still be a glimmer of hope he will change. A trip,is an excellent idea! Time will heal ( seems to be crawling at this point, esp the holidays), but you are being proactive taking this trip and the first step to a healthier you. Lots of hugs and support