Being clingy when I don't want to be

[kc sunshine]

Ugh. I know I shouldn't be clingy, but I am. My BPDex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago but she has wanted to stay close/FWB. I've been back and forth internally about whether we should be in contact or not, but we have stayed in contact. Last night we went to a concert, each on our own with other friends. It was the first time we've been in the same place, but with others. I was pretty much okay during it, but afterwards the pain and longing kicked in badly. Unfortunately I texted her at night-- just a couple, not too bad, but still a couple too many. And this morning I've already I've texted her twice. Ugh.

Is the only way out of this pain NC?

[Lifewriter16]

 Hi kc sunshine,

It's tough feeling in pain and even tougher trying to avoid contact that we believe will end our pain. You've only been out of your relationship for 6 weeks, that's really not very long. Perhaps you are expecting a little too much of yourself so early in your healing journey. I do appreciate how uncomfortable it is to feel needy and the desire to cling on for dear life. I suspect that family of origin issues may be intensifying this for you. They certainly do for me.

Is the only way out of this pain NC?

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't think that there is anyway out of the pain. Going nc will not remove the pain. Indeed it may intensify it to begin with. I think the only way is through the pain, by acknowledging and exploring your emotions and then allowing yourself to express them safely. The Personal Inventory board is one way of beginning to do this, plus reading some of the articles on this website and exploring some of the recommended books. However, the support of friends and a good counsellor would be invaluable.

What kind of support do you have in your day to day life and what can you do to maximise that support?

Lifewriter x

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please forgive me for I am going to ask you to change the wording that you use to describe your behavior--you are not being clingy.  Your are instinctively still seeking and expecting comfort and affection and acceptance from her... .and your contacting her reflects this instinct.  This is a natural human desire for warmth.  If you were not "clingy", you wouldn't be a normal person.

Memories and hopes and dreams are alive in you.  They may be misplaced, you may be expecting fulfillment from a source that is unable for some reason to provide this nurturing to you... .but clingy behavior this is not.

So, the issue right now is how to divert your energy into seeking affection, nurturing , comfort  from a source that can offer you this.

So, do you have supportive friends, family... .accessible?  Do you have access to counseling?

Self-care replenishes spirit... it is this replenishment that you seek... .so give some thought to other sources that you can avail this from.

Affection, comfort, love, friendship... .does not always have to be from a romantic source... .

[thefixermom]

I got involved with a sweet guy once whom I thought I could fall deeply in love with. Once I knew him better I could see we were not a good match and I backed out.  He professed he was still in love but said our friendship meant everything to him so could we please be friends... .so I stayed friends to give it a try. He became very clingy... .if I didn't text him right back he always wanted to know if I was okay.  He wanted us to text each other good night and good morning every day. He wanted to be available as a FWB but I didn't think that was smart and I began to respect him less and less till it got to the point where I was pretending to be his friend but I really wasn't because I found myself complaining about him to my girl friend and you don't do that with a true friend. Because of that I started feeling bad about myself and judging myself as being a deceptive friend.  So I started answering his texts slower and slower, sometimes not answering till the next day. He finally started making his own way in life, texting me less and making new friends I thought much better of him.  This experience taught me that if I were ever to be attached to someone emotionally like he was to me that I would pick myself up and do my very best to leave the other person alone. I know he had to be sad and that's what made me want to keep in touch with him, not so much because there was a real connection. But in my efforts to not be a mean person, I became a phony person. I don't want someone to ever be phony with me because of my avoidance of working through a breakup.  It creates a false hope and it also is demeaning to both parties is my belief now.

PS... .your girlfriend using you as FWB is different than my situation because she is the one who left you.  I understand her using you to relieve her physical tension... .and you using her back because you want to be close to her.  But after awhile it can seem kind of icky because it's just sex and not a real connection. She probably feels real comfortable with you because she knows how much you care for her and she can maintain her independence at the same time.  I would say that it might be she isn't capable of true intimacy. And you choosing her might be saying a similar thing about you.  Just some things to ponder. I like to ponder!

[Skip]

Is the only way out of this pain NC?

If you love someone and you break-up, you are going to feel a lot of pain - that's being human.

My BPDex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago but she has wanted to stay close/FWB.  

So what does being broken up mean?  What is in?  What is out? What aspect(s) of the relationship are hoping to restore?

[kc sunshine]

These are such beautiful words and such good advice pallavirajsinhani, I will try to follow them! <3

Please forgive me for I am going to ask you to change the wording that you use to describe your behavior--you are not being clingy.  Your are instinctively still seeking and expecting comfort and affection and acceptance from her... .and your contacting her reflects this instinct.  This is a natural human desire for warmth.  If you were not "clingy", you wouldn't be a normal person.

Memories and hopes and dreams are alive in you.  They may be misplaced, you may be expecting fulfillment from a source that is unable for some reason to provide this nurturing to you... .but clingy behavior this is not.

So, the issue right now is how to divert your energy into seeking affection, nurturing , comfort  from a source that can offer you this.

So, do you have supportive friends, family... .accessible?  Do you have access to counseling?

Self-care replenishes spirit... it is this replenishment that you seek... .so give some thought to other sources that you can avail this from.

Affection, comfort, love, friendship... .does not always have to be from a romantic source... .

[kc sunshine]

I think I must have also been nervous, a sixth sense that something was up because it turns out she left the concert with someone else and slept with him. That feels like the end for us-- we were broken up, but it still seems like a mean and thoughtless thing to do to flirt with him right in front of me (we were all together at the concert). I feel a mixture of hurt, anger, and maybe something like relief that it is finally over. 

Now to try to follow pallavirajsinhani's good advice. <3

[pallavirajsinghani]

... .sometimes one needs a cuddly grandma... .ish experience... .from big sister, older friend, mother, aunt... .big brother... .gender and age does not matter, it is the nurturing that matters.  Men and women nurture in different ways.  Men nurture by giving companionship and sharing events... .women nurture by doing stuff for another person.  Sometimes we need the male form of nurturing, sometimes the female form of nurturing.  Either of the gender is equally capable of providing it at different times of their lives to different people under different circumstances... .

So, your instinct will guide you what type of comfort you seek at this time... .and that will tell you the source within your own circle of friends/family/acquaintences who can offer it.

Before another romance begins... .even this one ends... .or before the current romance can be rekindled... .before any such type of experience... .your spirit needs rest and replenishment.

Seeking it is symptomatic of strength, not weakness... .even warriors need to eat and sleep and cared for... .