I am in a room with a thousand doors. (Part 1)

[C.Stein]

This is the letter I have drafted asking her to consider the possibility of working things out.



I am writing this under the assumption that you did not have an emotional affair and you are not in a new relationship.  I know I said I would not communicate with you again but I can't seem to find a way to let you go from my heart. Please spare a little bit of your time to read this with an open mind.

I have given you every reason to believe that I am OK with our relationship ending but I am not and never was, not by a long shot.  I cannot find a way to stop loving you or wanting to spend the rest of my life with you, and yes, that includes building a family with you.

I realize you feel I don't trust you anymore and this is understandable given what I said.  Has my trust in you been compromised ... .absolutely, but it CAN be repaired.  I can rebuild my trust in you but it will take effort on both our parts.  This is not something I can do alone nor should I have to.

I have said some things in anger that were wrong and hurtful.  These things I said were not necessarily a reflection of my true thoughts and beliefs.  These things came from my anger and pain, not my heart and mind.  In some cases I don't think I ever talked to you about my real thoughts and feelings, those that come from a place of calm and rational thought.  This was my failing and it left you believing in things that were not true.

I know you feel I have wasted 2 years of your life, that I deceived you.  S, I have never lied to or deceived you, nor have I ever mislead you in any way.  My love for you is real and true and when I said I was willing to build a family with you I meant it will all my heart and mind.

Please understand for almost the entire year I have been experiencing intermittent heart attack symptoms as a result of the c-PTSD/anxiety/stress I was feeling.  This is why I was questioning my health, longevity and my future fatherhood.  I am sorry I was not more open with you about that and my other fears I was experiencing with regard to you, our relationship and our future family.  I wish you could have walked a mile in my shoes so you could understand what I was going through.

I can't bring myself to throw away the love I found with you or a 2 year relationship based solely on the fact we never sat down and had a real conversation about our feelings and needs, both personally and in the relationship.  Communication is critical in a relationship and we weren't communicating with each other.

In order for me to feel secure building a family with you I need to feel secure in our relationship and know that we can provide a healthy and loving home for our child, not one filled with emotional turmoil.  I need you to treat me with honesty, respect and caring.  I need your empathy and compassion when I am hurting.  I need to know you will not run away when things get tough.  I need stability, permanence and constancy with you.  I need you to be there for me just as much as you need me to be there for you.  These are not unreasonable needs and I know you want these very same things for yourself.  Is it wrong of me to want these things?

I am still the person you met; that affectionate, attentive, caring, giving, loving, passionate man you fell in love with.  I failed you and myself when I distanced myself from you and allowed my emotional pain to turn me into someone I am not.  I let my emotional pain choose the path I took ... .the one that distanced me from you, it was not intentional.  As a consequence many of those great qualities that I love about myself got bottled up.  This doesn't mean I am not still that person but rather that person got suppressed because of the emotional pain and fear I was experiencing.

In spite of my concerns about upsetting you or distracting you from what you needed to accomplish with school I should have discussed my feelings and fears with you.  I bottled up my emotional pain and feelings to help keep you stable and this was wrong.  I did this throughout our entire relationship and I realize now how damaging that was.  I should have just talked about my feelings when I needed to.  I can't walk on egg shells around you, it is not fair to you or me.

S, I am not a waste of time.  Our love and our dream are not a waste of time.  Our potential future together is not a waste of time.  When things were good between us they were amazing and I'm not talking about physical intimacy, which was always amazing.  We bonded and connected on a very deep level and are very compatible with each other in many different ways.  It is not right for us to throw this away or throw away a two year relationship without even trying to work things out.  We never even really talked about it let alone try.

Can you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  I really feel and believe we can have a future and family together.  We both need to work together to build a strong and stable relationship for a family to grow on.  Most importantly we both need to work on ourselves to be the best we can be in a partnership and marriage.  We both need this to achieve the shared happiness that can come from raising a family together.

So please consider what we have already been through, the good parts of our relationship, the love and bond we shared.  Let us learn from the mistakes, put behind all the pain and resentment and work on moving forward together on the same path not different ones.

[Conundrum]

She needed to hear the truth, but it also means I will have to reach out to her if reconciliation is ever going to be an option.

Post-dissolution relational truths manifest themselves as subjective perceptions resembling a magic mirror in which we question who was the fairest partner of them all.

Though, that scorecard of blame and shame always pushes a disordered person away.

Relationships are living breathing entities, best enjoyed in the moment. And those moments may be shaped into fulfilling our desire. But to lament, the treatment within volitional accords in which we were active participants and not slumbering in a dream-state, subject to alleged poisoned potions, means facing core truths with raw authenticity. With all the claims of obfuscation, manipulation and relational charades, pwBPD remain brutally candid in pursuing their needs, albeit though often maladaptive. However, what prevents us from shaping our relationships thereby ensuring that our needs are met too. And more often than not they willingly accede, because indeed they understand the desperation attached to need better than most. The dialectical tension present involved with loving a disordered person does not adhere to congruent relational shapes. Refracted patterns of color and light swirling within a kaleidoscope beings. Can wind or water, hills and valleys, colors and shades, be shamed. It is neither black nor white, as all things change.

If you want her back--your emails are way too long and angstee. Short and to the point works better w pwBPD. Tell her she's (insert characteristic funny, hot etc.) and want to f*ck her. Be her friend, and don't shame.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi C,

I know you might have been well intended at the time. But, knowing this disease as you do now being on the site, would you have sent this today?

I know you say no regrets, but I believe you do have regret, how could you not? You still love her!

Why wouldn't I have sent this letter well, it contains blame and shaming and if she is a true BP then she already has those unseen qualities tattooed well in her brain. Pointing them out would possibly be unrecoverable, especially, in a letter and not in a face to face discussion. If I also stated in a letter; "You're dead to me" to my ex, I would be dead to her, black.

[C.Stein]

Post-dissolution relational truths manifest themselves as subjective perceptions resembling a magic mirror in which we question who was the fairest partner of them all.

Though, that scorecard of blame and shame always pushes a disordered person away.

This is likely true.  It wasn't intended as a score card though, however I can see how it would be construed as such.

If you want her back--your emails are way too long and angstee. Short and to the point works better w pwBPD. Tell her she's (insert characteristic funny, hot etc.) and want to f*ck her. Be her friend, and don't shame.

The email that I have not sent I tried not to shame or blame her for anything.  I have already reduced the reconciliation email by 50% at least.  If I don't get a reply back I won't be contacting her again so I am unsure how to make it shorter and still express my feelings.

Worth noting, telling her that kind of stuff (funny, hot, etc... .) would be seen as shallow and superficial by her and would be immediately dismissed as such.  She definitely likes to hear that stuff as it appeals to her vanity, but she is far too intelligent to fall for those types of tactics at this point even if her emotional intelligence is low.  That would have worked 10 years ago though.  Probably wouldn't hurt to throw in some praise.  

At this point in her life she yearns for connection, intimacy, family, love.  She has stated on more than one occasion that she is tired of sex for the sake of sex and shallow relationships.   Of course, she could have just been saying that to direct my thoughts in the direction she wanted, but I honestly don't think she is that devious.

I do understand brevity is best and this would be best done in person.  I only have email as an option though and I tried to touch on all the main issues that are most likely keeping her from considering reconciliation, assuming she isn't in a new relationship.

Any suggestions on how to express myself with brevity without losing the "meat"?

[Should I stay or...]

This is the letter I have drafted asking her to consider the possibility of working things out.



I am writing this under the assumption that you did not have an emotional affair and you are not in a new relationship.  I know I said I would not communicate with you again but I can't seem to find a way to let you go from my heart. Please spare a little bit of your time to read this with an open mind.

I have given you every reason to believe that I am OK with our relationship ending but I am not and never was, not by a long shot.  I cannot find a way to stop loving you or wanting to spend the rest of my life with you, and yes, that includes building a family with you.

I realize you feel I don't trust you anymore and this is understandable given what I said.  Has my trust in you been compromised ... .absolutely, but it CAN be repaired.  I can rebuild my trust in you but it will take effort on both our parts.  This is not something I can do alone nor should I have to.

I have said some things in anger that were wrong and hurtful.  These things I said were not necessarily a reflection of my true thoughts and beliefs.  These things came from my anger and pain, not my heart and mind.  In some cases I don't think I ever talked to you about my real thoughts and feelings, those that come from a place of calm and rational thought.  This was my failing and it left you believing in things that were not true.

I know you feel I have wasted 2 years of your life, that I deceived you.  S, I have never lied to or deceived you, nor have I ever mislead you in any way.  My love for you is real and true and when I said I was willing to build a family with you I meant it will all my heart and mind.

Please understand for almost the entire year I have been experiencing intermittent heart attack symptoms as a result of the c-PTSD/anxiety/stress I was feeling.  This is why I was questioning my health, longevity and my future fatherhood.  I am sorry I was not more open with you about that and my other fears I was experiencing with regard to you, our relationship and our future family.  I wish you could have walked a mile in my shoes so you could understand what I was going through.

I can't bring myself to throw away the love I found with you or a 2 year relationship based solely on the fact we never sat down and had a real conversation about our feelings and needs, both personally and in the relationship.  Communication is critical in a relationship and we weren't communicating with each other.

In order for me to feel secure building a family with you I need to feel secure in our relationship and know that we can provide a healthy and loving home for our child, not one filled with emotional turmoil.  I need you to treat me with honesty, respect and caring.  I need your empathy and compassion when I am hurting.  I need to know you will not run away when things get tough.  I need stability, permanence and constancy with you.  I need you to be there for me just as much as you need me to be there for you.  These are not unreasonable needs and I know you want these very same things for yourself.  Is it wrong of me to want these things?

I am still the person you met; that affectionate, attentive, caring, giving, loving, passionate man you fell in love with.  I failed you and myself when I distanced myself from you and allowed my emotional pain to turn me into someone I am not.  I let my emotional pain choose the path I took ... .the one that distanced me from you, it was not intentional.  As a consequence many of those great qualities that I love about myself got bottled up.  This doesn't mean I am not still that person but rather that person got suppressed because of the emotional pain and fear I was experiencing.

In spite of my concerns about upsetting you or distracting you from what you needed to accomplish with school I should have discussed my feelings and fears with you.  I bottled up my emotional pain and feelings to help keep you stable and this was wrong.  I did this throughout our entire relationship and I realize now how damaging that was.  I should have just talked about my feelings when I needed to.  I can't walk on egg shells around you, it is not fair to you or me.

S, I am not a waste of time.  Our love and our dream are not a waste of time.  Our potential future together is not a waste of time.  When things were good between us they were amazing and I'm not talking about physical intimacy, which was always amazing.  We bonded and connected on a very deep level and are very compatible with each other in many different ways.  It is not right for us to throw this away or throw away a two year relationship without even trying to work things out.  We never even really talked about it let alone try.

Can you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  I really feel and believe we can have a future and family together.  We both need to work together to build a strong and stable relationship for a family to grow on.  Most importantly we both need to work on ourselves to be the best we can be in a partnership and marriage.  We both need this to achieve the shared happiness that can come from raising a family together.

So please consider what we have already been through, the good parts of our relationship, the love and bond we shared.  Let us learn from the mistakes, put behind all the pain and resentment and work on moving forward together on the same path not different ones.

C. Stein,

You know how I feel about reaching out during NC... .that being said, I wouldn't suggest sending this reconciliation. If you do use this text I would consider taking out the I's and replace them with us, we and our as you did in your last paragraph. More inclusive.

Should

[C.Stein]

Hi C,

I know you might have been well intended at the time. But, knowing this disease as you do now being on the site, would you have sent this today?

I know you say no regrets, but I believe you do have regret, how could you not? You still love her!

Why wouldn't I have sent this letter well, it contains blame and shaming and if she is a true BP then she already has those unseen qualities tattooed well in her brain. Pointing them out would possibly be unrecoverable, especially, in a letter and not in a face to face discussion. If I also stated in a letter; "You're dead to me" to my ex, I would be dead to her, black.

Yes, I see what you are saying.  She already has enough shame to last a life time, assuming she believes she has reason to feel shame to begin with with regard to what happened this year.   She has always been very good at lying to herself.   If she read it at all chances are better than not she only skimmed it. 

I sent a similar email to her in the beginning of our relationship discussing some red flags that I had observed.  That email was considerably less harsh but similar in content, addressing things about her character/behavior that were concerning me.  That email was received well by her and we had what I thought was a productive conversation about it at the time.  She is capable of self-reflection and she does value honesty from others, even when it is difficult to hear.  That said, she can get down on herself when someone points out flaws in her character, but then who doesn't. 

It was a metaphorical "dead" given if she did have an emotional affair then I really don't know who she is anymore and the person I fell in love with is essentially dead to me.

[C.Stein]

C. Stein,

You know how I feel about reaching out during NC... .that being said, I wouldn't suggest sending this reconciliation. If you do use this text I would consider taking out the I's and replace them with us, we and our as you did in your last paragraph. More inclusive.

So you think it is a bad idea for me to point out my own flaws and mistakes that I made in the relationship?  I would think that would be received well by her but maybe not?  I tried to make this email the opposite of the last one, where I focused mostly on my shortcomings and mistakes and not hers.

I might note the four biggest issues she has with me right now are:

1) She has come to believe she won't get the family she wants with me

2) That I see her as a pathological liar.

3) That she has wasted the past two years of her life

4) That I mislead her into believing I am someone other than who I presented myself to her in the beginning.

The last two she has quite likely been encouraged to believe by others.

[Should I stay or...]

C. Stein,

You know how I feel about reaching out during NC... .that being said, I wouldn't suggest sending this reconciliation. If you do use this text I would consider taking out the I's and replace them with us, we and our as you did in your last paragraph. More inclusive.

So you think it is a bad idea for me to point out my own flaws and mistakes that I made in the relationship?  I would think that would be received well by her but maybe not?  I tried to make this email the opposite of the last one, where I focused mostly on my shortcomings and mistakes and not hers.

YESSSSSSSSSSSS it would be a big mistake! This is only a suggestion a possible direction that I think you need head after that first letter... .How about:  I'm sorry for letting you down, please forgive me.

[C.Stein]

YESSSSSSSSSSSS it would be a big mistake! This is only a suggestion a possible direction that I think you need head after that first letter... .How about:  I'm sorry for letting you down, please forgive me.

Yes, I apologized for letting her down and other things I was responsible for when I said goodbye to her.  It didn't seem to phase her much though. 

Considering the harsh truth email, what would be the best way to mitigate any damage that might have caused?  I will not accept responsibility for her behavior or actions in any way.  She needs to own her mistakes and faults ... .they are not mine to bear.

So far we are at cutting out the parts about what I did wrong and add some heart felt praise of her good qualities and character.

[Joem678]

In my experience, any emotional response from us to the pwBPD just adds fuel to their disorder.  They won't back off, they won't move on with emails, calls, texts or our confronting them face-to-face.   From my understanding, you can only get a true response when they are no longer in crisis. 

[steve195915]

C. Stein,

You know how I feel about reaching out during NC... .that being said, I wouldn't suggest sending this reconciliation. If you do use this text I would consider taking out the I's and replace them with us, we and our as you did in your last paragraph. More inclusive.

So you think it is a bad idea for me to point out my own flaws and mistakes that I made in the relationship?  I would think that would be received well by her but maybe not?  I tried to make this email the opposite of the last one, where I focused mostly on my shortcomings and mistakes and not hers.

YESSSSSSSSSSSS it would be a big mistake! This is only a suggestion a possible direction that I think you need head after that first letter... .How about:  I'm sorry for letting you down, please forgive me.[/quote]
I find simpler is always better, never point out their deficiencies, don't point out yours or give reasons.  Just say that you love her and want a family with her, you're sorry that you let her down, you want to do everything it takes and be the man she desires,  and you love her with all your heart and soul and will be there for her forever.  

[Should I stay or...]

I totally agree with Steve195915

[C.Stein]

From my understanding, you can only get a true response when they are no longer in crisis. 

I would agree with this.  My ex is very high functioning for the most part.  She doesn't dysregulate on a regular basis.

[C.Stein]

Revised draft email.  



I am writing this under the assumption that you are not in a new relationship.  If you will, please spare a moment of your time to read this with an open mind.

You have every reason to believe that I am OK with our relationship ending but I am not and never was, not by a long shot.  I cannot find a way to stop loving you or wanting to spend the rest of my life with you, that includes building a family with you.

Losing the love we found with each other or a two year relationship based solely on the fact we never sat down and had a real conversation about our feelings and needs, both personally and in the relationship doesn't seem right.  Communication is critical in a relationship and we weren't communicating with each other.  We need to feel comfortable communicating with each other about all our feelings and fears, at one point we were and we can again.

Given what has transpired this year we both have trust issues with each other.  We can rebuild our trust in each other but it will take effort on both our parts.  Honesty, trust and respect are important to both of us and is needed for our relationship to be strong and healthy.

You are an intelligent, beautiful, loving, warm, affectionate, passionate and silly woman who I am deeply in love with and want to walk hand in hand through life with.  When things were good between us they were amazing.  We bonded and connected with each other on a depth I had never thought possible.  We are also so very compatible with each other in many different ways. I treasure and cherish you like no other.

Can you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  We can have a future and family together.  We need to work together to build a strong and stable relationship for a family to grow on.  Most importantly we both need to work on ourselves to be the best we can be in a partnership and marriage.  We both need this to achieve the shared happiness that can come from building a family together.

So please consider what we have already been through, the good parts of our relationship, the love and bond we shared.  Let us learn from the mistakes, put behind all the pain and resentment and work on moving forward together on the same path not different ones.

[joeramabeme]

Revised draft email... .

C. Stein, well written; very thoughtful and heartfelt.  Are you planning to give this to her or just purging some ideas on paper? 

[Should I stay or...]

Revised draft email. 



I edited your version, just a suggestion, I'm hoping you don't mind... .I've been here before... .

you need to keep it short and conciliatory... .you may want to save this edited version for a face to face setting, I hope you get there... .

my recommendation is to send out a brief contact message like I mentioned before like:

I'm so sorry to have let you down, I wanted a family with you but my own insecurities let us down... .please forgive me.

edited version:

You are an intelligent, beautiful, loving, warm, affectionate, passionate and silly woman who I am deeply in love with and want to walk hand in hand through life with. We bonded and connected with each other on a depth I had never thought possible.  We are also so very compatible with each other in many different ways. I treasure and cherish you like no other.

Can you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  We can have a future and family together.

I love you dearly, I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have contributed to out relationship. Please forgive me... .

[C.Stein]

C. Stein, well written; very thoughtful and heartfelt.  Are you planning to give this to her or just purging some ideas on paper?

I am undecided.   I know I will probably feel better if I do send it, response or not.

my recommendation is to send out a brief contact message like I mentioned before like:

I'm so sorry to have let you down, I wanted a family with you but my own insecurities let us down... .please forgive me.

Thank you for your thoughts here.  I believe this message would most certainly be met with silence, mostly because she knows it is not true and would call BS on it and would not feel at all compelled to respond.

She knew right from the start that I was ambivalent with regard to having children, leaning more towards not having.  Now while this may be the case, I also was open to building a family with her if we could build a stable and secure relationship together.  I also told her that in the beginning.  I did let her down in some ways but not directly due to my own insecurities, even though those may have played a role in it.  I am more than willing to accept responsibility for the part I played in damaging our relationship without excuses, I am just not convinced it was my insecurities (implication here is unwarranted) that are to blame.  I felt I kept my insecurities more or less under control.  I will have to ponder this for a moment or two.

edited version:

You are an intelligent, beautiful, loving, warm, affectionate, passionate and silly woman who I am deeply in love with and want to walk hand in hand through life with. We bonded and connected with each other on a depth I had never thought possible.  We are also so very compatible with each other in many different ways. I treasure and cherish you like no other.

Can you consider allowing yourself the opportunity and time to work with me and repair the damage that was done to our relationship this year?  We can have a future and family together.

I love you dearly, I'm sorry for all the hurt that I have contributed to out relationship. Please forgive me... .

I see where you are trying to go here.  The purpose here would be to get a face to face.  My biggest problem is I sometimes will forget what I want to say, which is why I will put it down in email.  This way I can be relatively sure I say what needs to be said.  There are things I should have said when I said goodbye to her that I didn't.  Saying what needs to be said though is not the purpose here ... .correct?

Oh, and I might note that I am not open to reconciliation if she is in a new relationship, regardless of what may or may not happen with them.  If that is the path she choose then she not only closed the door but locked it and threw away the key.

If the message is too short she won't take it seriously, if it is too long she won't really read it.  I need something in between the two with her.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi C,

You know best, but keep your message short and conciliatory... .the last message she remembers from you was hurtful, even if you think it wasn't. Be remorseful, even if you think she is fully to blame, if you want her back, make her feel safe to come back.

And, if you do reach out be prepared for silence, no reply! This will set you back months, that's why I've suggested not too start the clock backwards.

Should

[Joem678]

C stein,

Think about sending it... .   For them, all you are doing is hitting the reset button on NC.  All they will do is read it and their emotions will be appeased. 

So your intentions should be only about yourself and not in anyway how they will react.  What will hurt you more is if they don't respond.   And if they do, your expectation should be a horrible response or push/pull.

Meditate on this.

[Nextinline]

You are sending an emotionally charged letter/email to your ex.

You are hoping that she reads it and processes what you are saying in it in with exactly the same set of emotions that you wrote it with.

You are really hoping for the RC door to be re-opened.

You really need to consider what may be the situation if she does not see it with the same empathy that you had when you wrote it. If she is not on the same page as you she may respond with rage and greater negativity and resentment which will set your recovery back months.

I am only suggesting that you need to weigh up the consequences if your best intentions to open up communication is seen negatively in her eyes and she responds to you in a destructive manner.

I am only suggesting this because I wrote the same letter as you did and the response was so cruel, nasty and just bordering on being evil that it put my recovery back months.

If she wants you then you need to let her reach out to you and then respond in a manner that you feel appropriate.

Your call of course, but it seems a lot of people have gone down this path before and with a BPD... .it just led to more heartache and pain.

[FlyFish]

It's a hard call c stein. There is a lot you have to consider.

I wrote a letter during the second breakup similar to yours and it succeeded in getting her back. But we were back together for only 3 months after that and those were the most up and down of our r/s. It hurt more afterwards.

If you truly love someone though then you will do everything possible to get them or you will regret it. I understand this mentality too.

If you do send it then You need to come to terms with the possibility of any response. Both good and bad. The risk reward margin of this kind of letter is extreme especially if we as nons are still attached. Find piece of mind with any response you may or may not get before you hit send. Easier said than done.

I with you the best no matter what decision.

[Learning Fast]

If she wants you then you need to let her reach out to you and then respond in a manner that you feel appropriate.



C. Stein,

I've followed your story almost from the beginning and it mirrors so many others in that we still keep our exes close to our hearts.  As much as I hate to say this and I know it is hard to hear but I'm with Next and Should on this one.  Next's comment above would represent the healthiest path to follow in my judgement.

I've met with my ex several times since we split back in June.  Although pleasant and conversational, it was very apparent that she had completely emotionally detached from the relationship as I felt more like an acquaintance than a former lover.  Any attempt by me to launch into a reconciliation discussion would have appeared needy and desperate.  I refrained from even coming close to doing so during any of our meetings and am so glad I did.

Earlier in his thread I referred to a comment Skip made to me from one of my previous posts---"She may be with someone else, may be searching for someone else or just might be spending time alone---but whatever she is doing she has decided to do it without you".  Hard to process and swallow but necessary.

Stay strong, C. Stein, and you'll be happy that you did down the road.

LF

[Joem678]

The hard part with no contact is letting go.  Especially, if they leave you all these "loop" holes that make you analyze their behavior.  Another thing is that messes with you is the see-saw battle of 'pushing/pulling' you.  It messes with your mind.  You need to be strong.  I know you hear that and you wonder 'how?'.  There is no answer for this.  You need to talk things out when you have the urge to text her.  That first day will be the hardest.  There will be bumps and temptation but be strong. 

Right now, your communication is pointless to them.  No matter, what your intentions are.

[C.Stein]

And, if you do reach out be prepared for silence, no reply! This will set you back months, that's why I've suggested not too start the clock backwards.

I honestly don't expect a response if I send it.  I will be left at the same spot as I am now, except with one more unanswered email.

Think about sending it... .  For them, all you are doing is hitting the reset button on NC.  All they will do is read it and their emotions will be appeased.  

So your intentions should be only about yourself and not in anyway how they will react.  What will hurt you more is if they don't respond.   And if they do, your expectation should be a horrible response or push/pull.

Meditate on this.

Thanks Joe.  Like I said above, I really am not expecting a reply if I send it.  While a part of me felt there was a sliver of a chance she might consider reconciliation when I said goodbye to her, that she still has feelings for me, there have been more indications that I no longer hold any value to her and she refuses to waste anymore time on me, new relationship or not, because she sees me as a dead end.  She thinks I can't/won't give her a family ... .which means end game for me.

You are sending an emotionally charged letter/email to your ex.

You are hoping that she reads it and processes what you are saying in it in with exactly the same set of emotions that you wrote it with.

You are really hoping for the RC door to be re-opened.

You really need to consider what may be the situation if she does not see it with the same empathy that you had when you wrote it. If she is not on the same page as you she may respond with rage and greater negativity and resentment which will set your recovery back months.

I am only suggesting that you need to weigh up the consequences if your best intentions to open up communication is seen negatively in her eyes and she responds to you in a destructive manner.

I am only suggesting this because I wrote the same letter as you did and the response was so cruel, nasty and just bordering on being evil that it put my recovery back months.

If she wants you then you need to let her reach out to you and then respond in a manner that you feel appropriate.

Your call of course, but it seems a lot of people have gone down this path before and with a BPD... .it just led to more heartache and pain.

I have considered this possibility and a cruel rejection letter is not outside the scope of possibility., but it is unlikely.  That could set me back depending on how cruel it is.   The biggest setback would be to find out she is pregnant and engaged.  If that were true it would crush me, not only because of my feelings for her, but because it would be one of the most reckless and ill-advised things she has ever done in her life.

If she is "done with me" and there is nothing left in her heart for me, especially if she really is in a new relationship, then there will be no reply.   She simply won't waste her time or energy on lashing out.  She wouldn't allow herself to lash out when I said goodbye to her and my "closure" letter was also a relatively hard truth letter that was 3 times longer  than my last letter I sent, just not as harsh.  When I wrote the closure letter I did not know or suspect BPD and I also was unaware of a new relationship even if I was beginning to suspect it.

I know her well enough to know she will not reach out even if she wanted to.  If she will ever reach out to me on her own she needs to feel she won't be rejected, and at this point she has no reason to believe that.

If at one point she did reach out it would be in the distant future and not for reconciliation but because there was something she needed from me.   I truly feel that the window of opportunity with her, if not already gone, will be gone forever when she moves sometime in the next 4 months.   Once again, she doesn't have to move at all.  Moving would be either to be with a new BF or because she thinks it will give her a clean slate, which it won't because she will still be herself.

I wrote a letter during the second breakup similar to yours and it succeeded in getting her back. But we were back together for only 3 months after that and those were the most up and down of our r/s. It hurt more afterwards.

This possibility (bold above) weighs heavy on my mind.  For any reconciliation to work we both would have to completely put behind us all the pain and resentment that got us here.  We both would have to be 100% committed to moving forward with real intent to do the necessary work on ourselves and the relationship to ensure it will continue to move forward.  Anything less than that on either one of our parts will almost certainly result in failure.  It may be a hill too steep for either one of us to climb, but that doesn't necessarily mean the attempt shouldn't be made.

I can certainly believe that in her mind it is far easier for her to walk away at this point then to try and fix the damage.   She may truly believe (convinced herself) there is no hope and if that is the case then it is over, reconciliation or not.  She needs to believe in herself and me if we are going to be successful building a future together.

I've followed your story almost from the beginning and it mirrors so many others in that we still keep our exes close to our hearts.  As much as I hate to say this and I know it is hard to hear but I'm with Next and Should on this one.  Next's comment above would represent the healthiest path to follow in my judgement.

I've met with my ex several times since we split back in June.  Although pleasant and conversational, it was very apparent that she had completely emotionally detached from the relationship as I felt more like an acquaintance than a former lover.  Any attempt by me to launch into a reconciliation discussion would have appeared needy and desperate.  I refrained from even coming close to doing so during any of our meetings and am so glad I did.

Earlier in his thread I referred to a comment Skip made to me from one of my previous posts---"She may be with someone else, may be searching for someone else or just might be spending time alone---but whatever she is doing she has decided to do it without you".  Hard to process and swallow but necessary.

Stay strong, C. Stein, and you'll be happy that you did down the road.

What skip said could and may very well be the case.  I did get the impression she still has feelings for me and that she might regret what has happened with us.  Very slight feeling but it was there none-the-less.  :)oes that mean there is hope for reconciliation?  I honestly don't know.  

I do know she has likely convinced herself that I am a dead end and I don't feel like I am.  I did pitch the idea that we start over again when I said goodbye to her, it was rejected with the "never again" tone of voice.   I wasn't a complete sobbing mess but I did have tears in my eyes, like I have for months now.  In spite of that I still got the impression from other things that she still had feelings for me.

The hard part with no contact is letting go.  Especially, if they leave you all these "loop" holes that make you analyze their behavior.  Another thing is that messes with you is the see-saw battle of 'pushing/pulling' you.  It messes with your mind.  You need to be strong.  I know you hear that and you wonder 'how?'.  There is no answer for this.  You need to talk things out when you have the urge to text her.  That first day will be the hardest.  There will be bumps and temptation but be strong.  

Right now, your communication is pointless to them.  No matter, what your intentions are.

There are no loop holes or push pull going on with her.  I am grasping at near invisible straws and I know if they are real and I don't pursue them, she never will.  If there is a hope for reconciliation then I need to be the one who makes the first step.  She will never be the one to do it, this much I am certain of.

I am still undecided on sending the email or not.  Leaning slightly towards sending it but not by much.  

I need to believe that reconciliation is what I really want here and I am not 100% certain it is, and I need to be.  It would not be fair to her or myself if I wasn't.

[Kelli Cornett]

Wow CS... .After reading that I realize no one has ever cared about me

[Squander]

A lot of reaponses to this. So I am sure I am repeating. But even if you find the right door, you are still going to be in a room with 1,000 doors again. It's guaranteed. Start looking for the exit my friend.

[Mutt]

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