Oops Baited into breaking NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My uBPD exgf sent me an email about a month ago accusing me of trying to buy her love after I sent an email trying to reconcile, and I ended up offering to partially help her with her debt to prove to her that I didn't think she was after my money,etc ( based on a previous email conversation). She then asked me to not respond ( after insulting me).

Then, a week or so later, she sent me a pin on Pinterest ( some vague relationship pin). She claimed that she didn't send it, even though it came from her account.

Originally, I wasn't going to respond to her accusatory email, but It was after that I got that pin that it spurred me on and I started to compose a retort against her accusation of my trying to buy her love. I finally sent it tonight, and she totally dismissed my explanation, is clinging hard to her delusions, and has now accused me of beginning to harass her ( even though technically she sent me that pin AFTER asking me to not respond). She has now turned it around on me saying that I have issues and need to move on, and to absolutely not contact her again (which I won't, believe me).

What the heck just happened? I feel like I walked into a trap!... .is this a common BPD occurrence? Anybody?

[Mcbraniff]

My uBPD exgf sent me an email about a month ago accusing me of trying to buy her love after I sent an email trying to reconcile, and I ended up offering to partially help her with her debt to prove to her that I didn't think she was after my money,etc ( based on a previous email conversation). She then asked me to not respond ( after insulting me).

Then, a week or so later, she sent me a pin on Pinterest ( some vague relationship pin). She claimed that she didn't send it, even though it came from her account.

Originally, I wasn't going to respond to her accusatory email, but It was after that I got that pin that it spurred me on and I started to compose a retort against her accusation of my trying to buy her love. I finally sent it tonight, and she totally dismissed my explanation, is clinging hard to her delusions, and has now accused me of beginning to harass her ( even though technically she sent me that pin AFTER asking me to not respond). She has now turned it around on me saying that I have issues and need to move on, and to absolutely not contact her again (which I won't, believe me).

What the heck just happened? I feel like I walked into a trap!... .is this a common BPD occurrence? Anybody?

[Mcbraniff]

Anyone else feel like they were baited into a 'loaded' exchange with their pwBPD, and then an 'ambush' was waiting?

[Tomzxz]

McBraniff.

Yes, I too received mixed signals from my ex.  

Back story: About three months after ending our separation because she refused to compromise in therapy, I stopped by her grandmother's house (where she was staying at the time).  I wanted one last opportunity to offer reconciliation. She flew into a NPD rage, complete with maniacal laughter and insults. I left in tears and the following day a mutual friend told me to back off because she was threatening to file a restraining order.  

First Bait:  Two weeks later I find a box on my doorstep containing some seashells of mine neatly wrapped in tissue paper.  She must of accidently packed them when she moved out but she put a lot of effort into returning them... .They had little value.  I asked my friend about it and she immediately said it was bait so that my ex could get me into trouble if I tried to reach out again.  

Second bait:  I friended one of her friends on face book.  She unblocked me from her page for the first time and I proceeded to block her instead.  

For someone that hates me so much that I'm not allowed to talk to her, she sure does insist on breaking her own NC rules.

[fromheeltoheal]

A lot of actual communication is lost in texting, emails, Pinterest, whatever.  Relationships are difficult enough, especially with someone with a personality disorder, and it's best that if you are going to communicate you do it in person, or if you don't want a relationship with this person anymore, block all of the channels of technological 'communication', they just confuse things.

[Mcbraniff]

McBraniff.

Yes, I too received mixed signals from my ex.  

Back story: About three months after ending our separation because she refused to compromise in therapy, I stopped by her grandmother's house (where she was staying at the time).  I wanted one last opportunity to offer reconciliation. She flew into a NPD rage, complete with maniacal laughter and insults. I left in tears and the following day a mutual friend told me to back off because she was threatening to file a restraining order.  

First Bait:  Two weeks later I find a box on my doorstep containing some seashells of mine neatly wrapped in tissue paper.  She must of accidently packed them when she moved out but she put a lot of effort into returning them... .They had little value.  I asked my friend about it and she immediately said it was bait so that my ex could get me into trouble if I tried to reach out again.  

Second bait:  I friended one of her friends on face book.  She unblocked me from her page for the first time and I proceeded to block her instead.  

For someone that hates me so much that I'm not allowed to talk to her, she sure does insist on breaking her own NC rules.

That sounds like a brutal little mind game going on there.

As for me, I suppose that it's 'possible' that she didn't send me that Pin, but would a hacker (or spam program) really send me a 'relationship'-themed pin directly from her account? I hadn't received anything from her on Pinterest since last Spring, and was no longer 'following' her on there since her accusation abou me trying to 'buy her love'.

Most people that I've asked believe that she sent it, even though she claims that she didn't.

I think she either sent it to play games with me, or to bait me. Bad news either way.

[Mcbraniff]

A lot of actual communication is lost in texting, emails, Pinterest, whatever.  Relationships are difficult enough, especially with someone with a personality disorder, and it's best that if you are going to communicate you do it in person, or if you don't want a relationship with this person anymore, block all of the channels of technological 'communication', they just confuse things.

I agree with you about the communication thing. It's best to do it in person. However, during the breakup we only ever talked over the phone ( not how I wanted it, it just kind of happened that way). Then, when I tried to reconcile, she would only communicate via email ( not my choice, obviously).

[lovenature]

NC is up to you, my ex has baited me by means of guilt, friendship, seduction; they want any attention you will give them to show them you are still available as a source of validation.

Contact=pain, NC=detachment and eventual freedom.

Do what your head knows is best for you; eventually your heart will catch up.

[Indiegrl]

NC is up to you, my ex has baited me by means of guilt, friendship, seduction; they want any attention you will give them to show them you are still available as a source of validation.

Contact=pain, NC=detachment and eventual freedom.

Do what your head knows is best for you; eventually your heart will catch up.

Lovenature - I do think you are right. Now I think that my ex, who never told me he got himself a new girlfriend (replacement - before we broke up), but let me believe he was processing us and working with himself, he kept contacting me in order to keep the supply channel open - and I think he indeed was very interested in me validating him as a wonderful and special person, a victim of his surroundings.

That's why I broke contact with him: Contact was pain, the one way or the other. I did the no-contact thing without telling him for a long time. Finally I did tell him to not contact me in any way again, which he didn't respect, and then I blocked him. Costed me a lot, but also it feels both healthy and liberating.

Acknowledging that the head moves faster than the heart, that the feelings take way more time to process, I find that important. I think we have to accept that we may be in contradictory states - feelings and rationality say different things, it will take a lot of time for these two to be consistent and in line - if that ever is possible? Maybe it's not. Maybe that's part of the healing, to accept that this will always sting and hurt a bit emotionally, and at the same time we'll be able to feel relief and freedom in our minds... .

Hang in there. Led the clear mind lead you. The rest will follow. Be patient with yourself.

[Mcbraniff]

lovenature and indiegirl: Thank you both for sharing your perspectives and your kind words of encouragement. It helps to hear them after I've tried so hard to use logic, reason and compassion when trying to communicate with her, and having everything twisted and thrown back in my face.

I've read SO many examples of others here enduring similar situations, but it's still unbelievably hard and painful to absorb and process when it's been happening to me.

[blackbirdsong]

I've read SO many examples of others here enduring similar situations, but it's still unbelievably hard and painful to absorb and process when it's been happening to me.

I believe this is part of our narcissistic nature (also one of the reasons why we "love" BPDs, we love to be needed, not loved). We believe that our case is much more "special" than others. It is common to all people, but in our case is more expressed, I believe

Stay strong  

[Mcbraniff]

I've read SO many examples of others here enduring similar situations, but it's still unbelievably hard and painful to absorb and process when it's been happening to me.

I believe this is part of our narcissistic nature (also one of the reasons why we "love" BPDs, we love to be needed, not loved). We believe that our case is much more "special" than others. It is common to all people, but in our case is more expressed, I believe

Stay strong  

Good insight, and thanks for the encouragement!

I guess my most recent example of being dumbfounded is just how impervious to rational thought and explanation that she's apparently become, especially since I'm now 'painted black'... .but I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised since I've read so many examples on these boards. I guess it just still packs a punch when you experience it in full-force for the first time!