My self delusion - was it yours too?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This post is mainly therapeutic but may also bring to light what I believe to what's at the core of my ex-partners BPD. 6 months into my journey with her I discovered she had previous same sex relationships. She assured me that she was not interested in engaging in them any longer. I went into primal mode and protected the relationship and as it developed I found out she is bi-sexual. Three years later and shortly after a brief 2nd attempt at reconciliation which was destined to fail, I found out she was on a dating site looking for female-female hook ups. I knew this was a possibility all along (lots of bits and pieces of evidence) and I was too scared to ask her anything about it during the relationship. I knew there was something hidden, a secret, a double life... .and it was a great source of pain and suffering. I believe now that her repression of her true sexual identity is quite possible a major factor in her BPD development and impulsive behavior. It must be hard for her. What has gotten my through this is Acceptance & Committment therapy (eg : read Happiness Trap - Russ Harris). Thanks for all of your posts, they've also helped me.

[esotericdude]

This post is mainly therapeutic but may also bring to light what I believe to what's at the core of my ex-partners BPD. 6 months into my journey with her I discovered she had previous same sex relationships. She assured me that she was not interested in engaging in them any longer. I went into primal mode and protected the relationship and as it developed I found out she is bi-sexual. Three years later and shortly after a brief 2nd attempt at reconciliation which was destined to fail, I found out she was on a dating site looking for female-female hook ups. I knew this was a possibility all along (lots of bits and pieces of evidence) and I was too scared to ask her anything about it during the relationship. I knew there was something hidden, a secret, a double life... .and it was a great source of pain and suffering. I believe now that her repression of her true sexual identity is quite possible a major factor in her BPD development and impulsive behavior. It must be hard for her. What has gotten my through this is Acceptance & Committment therapy (eg : read Happiness Trap - Russ Harris). Thanks for all of your posts, they've also helped me.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi there!

   My name is Pretty Woman.  Ok not my real name but nice to meet you.



I was in a same sex relationship with my BPD ex.  I am now in a very committed relationship with a man. I can't even consider myself bi-sexual. I am one of those rarities... .

I was attracted to the person not the gender. Now I realize I was attracted to a mentally ill person which alerted me to my own issues I needed to fix. Clearly something was off with me if I was attracted to someone like this.

Many BPD's are bi. It gives them more options, more supply.

The longer I knew my ex the more I felt convinced she wasn't gay. I am not condemning the gay community. Obviously I was a part of it and I still have some wonderful friends I met during that time that are accepting of my being straight and in a straight relationship.

Cheating and leaving someone is simply cheating and leaving... .regardless of sexual orientation. Please do not try to over analyze this. She is an a-hole.  I am sorry, she is your ex but she is deceitful and you my dear deserve better.

I was very honest with my BF that I was in a same sex relationship before him. I did not want to start anything on a lie. I really like him and he deserves more than that.

Try to separate the whole bi thing from the cheating/leaving thing. She didn't leave you for a woman because you are any less of a man.  She left because she is incapable of staying. Her disorder won't allow her to. Being bi honestly just gives her more options and when you are BPD you need options because of all the bridges you burn.  I hope this helps!


PW

[SandWitch]

Esoteric Dude

I don't know your ex but given what I have been through it is not about orientation with BPD . . . mine did the same thing and tried to get me to be part of it but it isn't me.  Regardless of orientation I believe it is more about avoiding feeling tied down and enjoying the seduction over and over. Mine expressed a need for something new as a reason for an open relationship. PW makes sense.

Many BPD's are bi. It gives them more options, more supply.

The longer I knew my ex the more I felt convinced she wasn't gay. I am not condemning the gay community. Obviously I was a part of it and I still have some wonderful friends I met during that time that are accepting of my being straight and in a straight relationship.

Cheating and leaving someone is simply cheating and leaving... .regardless of sexual orientation. Please do not try to over analyze this. She is an a-hole.  I am sorry, she is your ex but she is deceitful and you my dear deserve better.



I was very honest with my BF that I was in a same sex relationship before him. I did not want to start anything on a lie. I really like him and he deserves more than that.

Try to separate the whole bi thing from the cheating/leaving thing. She didn't leave you for a woman because you are any less of a man.  She left because she is incapable of staying. Her disorder won't allow her to. Being bi honestly just gives her more options and when you are BPD you need options because of all the bridges you burn. I hope this helps!

[hashtag_loyal]

Esotericdude,

I'm a bit worried that you might be confusing symptoms of BPD with contributing factors. If your ex is BPD, the seeds of the disorder go very far back in her childhood.

That said, it is very common for pwBPD to have sexual identity issues. A lot of it is part of broader self-identity issues, and a lot of it has to do with the overwhelming need to feel loved. As Pretty Woman mentioned, being bi gives pwBPD many more options and sex is the quickest and easiest way to obtain those fleeting moments of emotional closeness.

As for my dBPDxgf, she had been in plenty of same-sex r/s before, although most of her long-term ones were with guys. That said, I was perfectly ok with her hooking up with other girls -- just not guys -- but she still cheated on me. The reasons for doing it had nothing to do with sexual desire and everything to do with her disorder.

I strongly encourage you to look past your ex-gf's sexual identity if you are trying to learn more about BPD.

[esotericdude]

First of all thank you for these well thought and supportive answers. I felt I get it now and it makes sense to me.  Hashtag_loyal the reason I questioned her core BPD cause as potentially being Bi and not being able to deal with it is that she told me that she was "going back to her childish ways". There are other factors from early life that contributed, most of which she shared and they made sense. She was acting as the guilty perpetrator at the end and actually abandoned me, the only person who cared enough to help her and she took me off the rails.

I can get to a higher level of self-care now knowing what I know. I'll be ok and will love fearlessly again some day. I don't hate her I just hate BPD and the terrible circumstances with which it arises and destroys lives. Many thanks again.