no relationship with BPDsis's kids...hoping for advice

[GreenGlit]

Hi forum,

This morning I logged onto Facebook and saw my uBPD mom post a pic on my BPD sister's wall - it was a cute picture of her two young children playing. I almost started crying at my desk. I am NC with my sister after she decided not to attend my wedding when I asked for her children to be babysat for my 25 minute wedding ceremony. They were invited to the reception, however my sister went into a rage and took it as a personal offense that I didn't allow *any* children at the entire wedding, so she decided not to even come.

Frankly I'm scared of my sister. She is volatile, hateful, and just plain cruel to me. I've always been a punching bag but since I made the request of her kids, and stood firm, she has been spiteful, pulling mom to her side using her children. Now I feel like a total outcast in my family - I went from white to black sheep here. Last Christmas was especially painful when Xmas day my sister and my mom Skyped, my mother so gleefully greeting her grandkids, and nobody asked to include me in the conversation. It was like I was a ghost in my own home. When my mom hung up she spent the rest of the day telling me how I ruined everything and tore the family apart. I'd go into more details but I think you all know the drill. Needless to say I'm spending this Xmas with my in-laws.

I'm writing because I'm at an impasse with this situation. My sister is angry and hateful, and I have zero interest to ever speak to her again, quite frankly. She has always been a destabilizing force in my life, and my husband, who comes from a very "normal" family, thinks she is the most crazy person he's ever met. My BIL is a reasonable person but has to live with her, so he stays quiet. My mother as I mentioned sides with my sister. My father is also reasonable, but also has to live with my mother, so he is passive. Basically I have been completely isolated from my nephews, who I have always loved dearly. The picture I saw of them I could tell they have grown so much since I last saw them over a year ago, and it hurts so much to have no relationship with them. I worry that they will grow up hearing stories about how horrible I am and never be curious to reach out to me. My therapist told me that I should send them b-day and Xmas cards and gifts, and just say that I love them and wish them well, and perhaps in the future when they are older and out of their mother's grasp, they may reach out. My oldest nephew is autistic. I can see the younger son falling into similar patters my mother played with me and my older sister - as the younger sibling of an emotionally unstable sister, I was the appeaser and the mascot. I fear for my youngest nephew's well-being, and I know my older nephew's autism will prevent him from being functional enough to independently reach out to me.

I just don't know what to do. I think about them so much during this time of year---does anyone have any experiences like this? What came of it years later? Can I expect to ever have a relationship with them? How do I move on? I can't bring my sister back into my life. So is the only option to wait until they are adults, continue to send cards and hope their mother delivers them, and keep my fingers crossed?

[Kwamina]

Hi GreenGlit

You went NC with your sister to protect yourself from her hurtful behavior. It is indeed very important to be mindful of your own well-being and sometimes this (unfortunately) might require taking drastic steps and distancing yourself from your BPD family-member. This does not necessarily have to mean that the NC has to last forever though. Perhaps things will change in the future.

Last Christmas was especially painful when Xmas day my sister and my mom Skyped, my mother so gleefully greeting her grandkids, and nobody asked to include me in the conversation. It was like I was a ghost in my own home. When my mom hung up she spent the rest of the day telling me how I ruined everything and tore the family apart. I'd go into more details but I think you all know the drill. Needless to say I'm spending this Xmas with my in-laws.

It is your house and you definitely don't have to accept abusive behavior from anyone there. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother?

I just don't know what to do. I think about them so much during this time of year---does anyone have any experiences like this? What came of it years later? Can I expect to ever have a relationship with them? How do I move on? I can't bring my sister back into my life. So is the only option to wait until they are adults, continue to send cards and hope their mother delivers them, and keep my fingers crossed?

The holidays are particularly painful for many of us as it seems like everywhere you look you see all those images of big happy loving families. For many members (including me) that unfortunately has not been the experience we had in our family of origin.

It's tough though that being NC with your sister also means having no contact with your two nephews. Hopefully in time the situation will change and you will be able to have contact with your nephews again. Reaching out to them by sending cards and perhaps gifts for now indeed might be the best thing you can do to at least maintain some contact with them. This is a hard reality to accept. It is, what it is but it isn't easy and I am sorry you are dealing with this pain of not being a part of your nephews lives

[Ditmas]

I just posted about something similar... .I am scared of my uBPD sister, and I really want to maintain a relationship with her son (he's 8). I have no idea what kind of stories she's telling him about me, so it's hard to have an accurate idea of what's going on. But I try to have as much contact as I can with my nephew regardless: phone calls, holiday presents, and the very very occasional afternoon out on our own (mostly via his dad, who's divorced from her). I think it's important to have compassion for kids who are growing up with an unstable parent and to be there for them. But I haven't quite worked out how to protect my own mental health in the process... .which is part of the reason I'm on this forum, I suppose. : )