Holidays and fleas

[isilme]

The holidays seem to be a time for cascade failure with families.  This will be the first Christmas since the death of my uBPDFI's grandmother.  This in itself is hard, but then there are the familial dysfunctions to add in, making FI have a hard time with Christmas each and every year as it is, and his worries about this coming Dec. 25th are just worse. 

His hoarder-mom and older uBPD-sister are similar in stubbornness and temperament, but totally opposite in how they face life.  The mom is a hoarder, who has started telling everyone if they don't like her house, they don't have to come.  This came a few eyars back, one Christmas, after FI and I tried to make her home kid-friendly enough for 13 people to have seating to eat a meal and open gifts, and faced her wrath.  We tried to explain that FI's sister was picky about where her kids ate and visited, and we wanted her to have no excuse to not come (she often bails on the family to punish the mom.).  So we started Christmas that year with FI yelling at his mom about how used insulin needles need to be out of reach of children, and her yelling it didn't matter.  The mom is badly daibetic, doens't take good care of ehrself, and for the lat 10 years, has been a shut-in taking care of her COPD-oxygen-tank-tied husband who we exepct to not last many more years, and up to August, her 95 year old mother who was rather physically able for her age, but the demntia was progressing at an alarming rate and putting her in a facility would have been cruel, so, to her credit, she did her best and has a CNA/maid who comes several times a week to help. 

The sister loved the grandmother, but hates her mother, and now that the grandmother is gone, we are anticipating her yelling at her mother for not being able to keep a 95 year old multiple stroke victim alive following another stroke.  She felt the grandmother was her personal property, and was jealous of any attention granted by the grandmother to any of her siblings.

She also calls the family white-trash behind their backs, but takes their money willingly, claims to be "poor" and makes a big show of "only" having a trac phone and no cable TV (we don't either, but I feel it really is a waste with the service we could get here and prefer Netflix anyway) but refuses to work even though her children are now both in school, and they regularly take trips out of town, out of state, she's going on a cruise in January, and the family goes to Disney world about once a year.  They own a BMW, a Mercedes, their house was a gift from the grandmother and grandfather who were avid savers, and they have income from several lawsuits in their favor as well as the husband's family's windfall (but the sister was pissed to learn ALL the siblings had an inheritance of a house waiting for them, so when we accepted ours she was angry, feeling we had not 'earned it'.)  The parents are both retired, and while they helped us greatly in the past, we no longer like to let them help us, knowing they need the money. 

FI and I are getting married, finally, in May, and we are covering it all ourselves, as an "elopement-honeymoon".  We took out a small loan to be able to book the flights at a good time, and since we've never taken a trip, ever, that was not 4 hours from home by car, this is an adventure for us and we are looking forward to it.  Pretty much everyone is happy for us, and understands our desire to do this just us - FI's anxiety at having his mom and sister there is a big reason we are running away to do this, and a big reason he put it off so long.  Add in my crazy family with whom I stay NC to keep sane, you can see why a trip makes more sense for us.  The sister seems upset we are going to the Caribbean (the all-inclusive, with the flight, for both of us, for 5 nights, was cheaper than booking a regular venue for a few hours at a local venue and attempting to get a caterer and everything else), and so she booked herself a cruise in January it seems to get there first. 

The mom is very unscheduled, and shows up when she wants unless someone is on hand to steer her.  The sister is rigidly scheduled, making everyone freak out of we don't adhere to her chosen times to arrive, eat, open gifts, and leave.  We live down the street from her - and only see her kids on holidays because our work hours don't adhere to "the schedule". 

FI has improved a lot over the years with his emotional states - we realized a lot of his dysregulation is actually tied to blood sugar issues.  IT doesn't mean he won't at times rage, be irrational, and blame-shift, but getting him to eat regularly has helped loads, and I have tried to be a better validate, which overall helps.  But the holidays are super hard, and he is getting to where he wants us to just stay home and boycott everyone. 

[Kwamina]

Hi isilme

The holidays indeed are hard for many of us, based on the stories I've read here.

Your fiancée is dreading Christmas with his family. How do you feel about spending Christmas with his FOO? Do you feel up to it?

FI and I are getting married, finally, in May, and we are covering it all ourselves, as an "elopement-honeymoon".  We took out a small loan to be able to book the flights at a good time, and since we've never taken a trip, ever, that was not 4 hours from home by car, this is an adventure for us and we are looking forward to it.  Pretty much everyone is happy for us, and understands our desire to do this just us - FI's anxiety at having his mom and sister there is a big reason we are running away to do this, and a big reason he put it off so long.  Add in my crazy family with whom I stay NC to keep sane, you can see why a trip makes more sense for us.

I am happy for you guys too

It is sad of course that his family causes him so much anxiety, but it is, what it is. This is your day and the two of you get to decide how you want to do this.

The mom is very unscheduled, and shows up when she wants unless someone is on hand to steer her.

How do you respond when she just shows up? And how does she usually behave during those unscheduled visits?

FI has improved a lot over the years with his emotional states - we realized a lot of his dysregulation is actually tied to blood sugar issues.  IT doesn't mean he won't at times rage, be irrational, and blame-shift, but getting him to eat regularly has helped loads, and I have tried to be a better validate, which overall helps.  But the holidays are super hard, and he is getting to where he wants us to just stay home and boycott everyone. 

I am glad that your fiancée has improved so much over the years. Does he perhaps also have a therapist to help him deal with his issues?

[isilme]

Therapy - no.  He's been working like me using online resources, because we both feel "safe" doing things that way.  I know that sounds weird, but that's how it is.

I like his family, and try to accept their issues as best I can, and try to take point on keeping the mom on time, and cleaning the kitchen and trying to make the hoarding of items less distressing without triggering her.  Compared to dealing with my own family, it's not that bad.

I don't hate the holidays with them.  I know their faults, and with the distance that comes from not being their 'actual kid', and having been trough hell with my own family, and Christmas that does not involve overdose, eviction, and murder-suicide threats is fine with me. 

My main concern is FI and how HE feels.  My logic, sad as this sounds, is that there are fewer and fewer holidays left where we will have the parents around.  So let's spend these with them, as there will be others in later years when they are gone for us to be able to choose if we want to follow the sisters' VERY strict menu and timeline regimen or not. 

A minor victory - I managed to talk her out of keeping an elderly cat in a cage to 'protect' it from a younger cat that wanted to play.  She likes to segregate her animals, and we hated this kitty being a cage, so she moved her into a room with two other older cats, and she is no longer stuck in a kennel.  It's a small thing, but she listened.

The mom showing up when she wants - she's no longer very mobile, but even when she was, we'd plan lunch at 1-1:30, she'd get there at 3.  We'd fudge on the time, and she'd still be far later than is reasonable.  Granted, this was with an hour + drive at the time, and now, with me trying to be quartermaster, it' still a 30 minute drive to the cousin's house where we currently meet for holidays.  So it's not like she pops in unannounced - it's just that you never know how late she will be.  I realize this is a very passive aggressive thing, "my time is more important" and get it.  And this is what irked the sister so much to start, but the sister underwent some alarming personality changes at becoming a mom. 

I hardly know who she is, now, and feel on edge whenever around her.  She is looking to make sure her kids are accepted by the local 'upper crust', and so doesn't seem to think that FI or I, are "good enough" for her kids, or often their time.  She tolerates the younger brother and his wife, because he's always looked up to her for years. 

The younger brother and his wife pretty much avoid the parents as much as possible, asking us when everyone has arrived at events so they can be there lat and leave first. 

I think a big problem with this time of year is the fact we go see them in November, get depressed at how they refuse to take better care of themselves (diet and exercise could help, but the mom believes in millions of pills), head home for a month, and then have to go repeat Thanksgiving for Christmas.  They are too unmotivated to even pull out the small table top tree (it's fiberoptic, has no decorations - you set it on a table and plug it in) - if I didn't do it, they'd be fine without it.  So FI gets upset with them for being lazy and unaccommodating, his sister for silently (and not so silently) feuding with the mom and rigidly insisting on a tight schedule, his brother for bowing out of any help with the parents, and himself for getting mad at them.

For the last 3 days he has been super moody and depressed, and a lot of it ties to his anticipation of Dec. 25.

[Kwamina]

Therapy - no.  He's been working like me using online resources, because we both feel "safe" doing things that way.  I know that sounds weird, but that's how it is.

Well actually, this doesn't sound weird to me at all because that is also exactly how I have been doing it. That and books! We all need to find our own coping and healing path and what works for one doesn't necessarily have to work for another. In my case trust also had a lot to do with it. After growing up with disordered family-members I found it very hard to trust, not only other people but also myself. Good thing that there also online resources such as bpdfamily

My logic, sad as this sounds, is that there are fewer and fewer holidays left where we will have the parents around.  So let's spend these with them, as there will be others in later years when they are gone for us to be able to choose if we want to follow the sisters' VERY strict menu and timeline regimen or not.  

My own uBPD mother is elderly now and I too think the way you do. No matter what happened before, I try to make the best of the time we have left. All the things I've learned about BPD and the new skills I've acquired greatly help me.

For the last 3 days he has been super moody and depressed, and a lot of it ties to his anticipation of Dec. 25.

I hope his mood has improved a bit. I can see how this must also be very hard for you seeing how he's affected so much by his family.