How to deal with crazy labels

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have an increasingly hard to deal with problem with my uBPDh.  He labels me in most every communication he has with me.  It started out just now and then, but has increased until he literally brings it up every time he speaks to me.

He is reading Neurotribes right now.  It is about Autism and Aspergers.  He is now convinced I am autistic.  Other times I have Aspergers.  I am a Feminist.  I am an Atheist.  On and on and on, every time he speaks to me.  You all do not know me, but anyone who does would know these labels are ridiculous.  He says that I am personality disordered so I cannot accept these truths.  Oh, I forgot a biggie - if I do anything on a computer, I am mentally ill.  I am only able to type this now is because he is outside.

I am trying to make labels and name calling a boundary.  Every time he speaks to me I have to walk away because he always ends with a reference to one of my 'problems'.  So now I am rude and anti-social.

This morning he totally dysregulated.  He had my 6 year old in tears over piano practice.  The piano teacher and I (music major) tell him to do things, uBPDh demands he do something different.  It is very confusing to the poor child!  I stepped in and calmly said he should take a break until later and he raged at me.  He said that Autistic people like me are that way on purpose and knowingly try to get an emotional reaction out of those around them.

Should I keep walking away when he does it?  Will it ever help?  Right now it just causes chaos and upset to everyone in the house.

He is coming in now so I must go.  Hopefully this makes sense!

[LilMe]

I have an increasingly hard to deal with problem with my uBPDh.  He labels me in most every communication he has with me.  It started out just now and then, but has increased until he literally brings it up every time he speaks to me.

He is reading Neurotribes right now.  It is about Autism and Aspergers.  He is now convinced I am autistic.  Other times I have Aspergers.  I am a Feminist.  I am an Atheist.  On and on and on, every time he speaks to me.  You all do not know me, but anyone who does would know these labels are ridiculous.  He says that I am personality disordered so I cannot accept these truths.  Oh, I forgot a biggie - if I do anything on a computer, I am mentally ill.  I am only able to type this now is because he is outside.

I am trying to make labels and name calling a boundary.  Every time he speaks to me I have to walk away because he always ends with a reference to one of my 'problems'.  So now I am rude and anti-social.

This morning he totally dysregulated.  He had my 6 year old in tears over piano practice.  The piano teacher and I (music major) tell him to do things, uBPDh demands he do something different.  It is very confusing to the poor child!  I stepped in and calmly said he should take a break until later and he raged at me.  He said that Autistic people like me are that way on purpose and knowingly try to get an emotional reaction out of those around them.

Should I keep walking away when he does it?  Will it ever help?  Right now it just causes chaos and upset to everyone in the house.

He is coming in now so I must go.  Hopefully this makes sense!

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[TheRealJongoBong]

The one thing I consistently notice with my wife is that her thoughts and words aimed at others are often aimed at herself, or describe herself. She often goes off at me about how I do things because I feel guilty, when in fact I usually don't feel guilty - she's the one who always has consistent thoughts of guilt.

In your husband's case I see this constant name calling as his attempts to make sense of what's going on. He has evidence that your relationship isn't working so he knows something is wrong. His internal defenses have been built up so that he can't admit to himself (yet) that he may be the cause of some of the problems. Therefore he is attempting to label you as the cause. He has to run through the list of these labels because none of them seem to be "fixing" the problem or quite fit.

So in my mind this is a positive sign in your husband's behavior. It shows he's trying to get agreement between his internal and external worldviews.  Instead of confronting him and trying to make a boundary issue about this situation, how about engaging him on the subject?  When he goes off and says "You're just a norndulist!", say in the most non-judgemental way you can manage "really, why do you think that?" or "what parts of my behavior seem norndulist?" If nothing else you will gain immediate satisfaction the first time or two as you watch the gears in his head try to engage over this new behavior.

If you engage him in conversation about these labels you will be making him think about them, and since they likely originate from thoughts about himself you will be making him think about himself. This is good therapy, both for him and you.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I have been accused of being Asperger's too    

Her evidence is because I don't like her yelling, because I have hobbies and interests besides her, and she has difficulty "communicating" with me.  I told my psychologist, who simply laughed. 

I get the "labels" too.  It's been better as of late, but for awhile it seemed like she was always trying to give me a "label" as an explanation for what is wrong with me.  It's really projection - the pwBPD can't come to grasp that the problem is his/hers.  My wife thinks everyone else is bad at communication because they all walk away from her when she talks.  Not true.  People walk away from someone who is demanding, manipulative, cursing, or yelling. 

[storagecold]

I have an increasingly hard to deal with problem with my uBPDh.  He labels me in most every communication he has with me.  It started out just now and then, but has increased until he literally brings it up every time he speaks to me.

Interesting. I have been down the same path with uBPDw. I have been treated successfully for depression for the better part of 20 years now, which she looks upon as a private shame. She's also accused me of being paranoid schizophrenic, etc.

What has helped me in the past is validating; then explaining to her that I recognized my depression as a teenager, and sought treatment -- just like someone with asthma or some other treatable illness. Then, whatever she says in response (usually it's a below-the-belt comment about anything she feels like blurting out), I say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and just shut down or walk away.

[LilMe]

Unfortunately, he can list off a myriad of reasons why any of his labels are true about me. Some of it accurate; other stuff total projection. I guess the trouble is that he is relentless and totally convinced he is right. Literally every time he speaks to me he mentions one of my labels. I start to question if I am sane. I feel like he is on a campaign to crush my internal self.

I suppose I can try to make light of the ridiculousness of it all. He doesn't want me to see a therapist - but if I'm so messed up, that would seem to be the way to fix me 

[formflier]

  LilMe, Focus on the boundaries that you have been working on and make sure you are consistent.  Try to consider what he is getting or wanting from these interactions.  Important that you don't "feed the monster".          

FF

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My wife can so something similar, but I never really attributed it to BPD-like behavior.

So I want to move, she doesn't.  Whenever we talk about it she'll state that I only want to move because my s-i-l told me it must be tough to live in her house (2nd marriage for both of us).

I just thought it was selfishness, maybe a little self-denial.  It's a way of dismissing what I want so she doesn't have to feel bad about insisting on her way.

It seems like your husbands name calling is a control mechanism... .if he calls you mentally ill for using the computer he may get you to stop... .I'm not sure if doing it while he's not there helps or hurts (but I'm right there with you and do the same thing with using my phone).

[TheRealJongoBong]

I suppose I can try to make light of the ridiculousness of it all. He doesn't want me to see a therapist - but if I'm so messed up, that would seem to be the way to fix me 

He says you have all sorts of problems but doesn't want you to address them. That's just creepy and controlling.  I had forgotten that my wife did this too - accused me of every behavioral disorder under the sun and told me I needed therapy, then got all anxious and controlling if I tried to do just that. I finally went anyway and quickly learned that she was gaslighting me. It's the classic con - get somebody really nervous about their own issues to try to camouflage your own. It's also done to lower your morale and make you dependent on your controller.

It's kind of funny, my wife also gave me the perfect solution. If I would ever hint that she might have a problem I would get the instant come back "If you spot it you got it!" She didn't like it much when I started using the line on her too - but it did make her think.

[Icthelight]

I suppose I can try to make light of the ridiculousness of it all. He doesn't want me to see a therapist - but if I'm so messed up, that would seem to be the way to fix me 

Yes, try not to take his accusations to heart. Easier said then done, I know. You say that he doesn't want you to see a therapist, accuses you of this and that, doesn't want you to use your computer, sounds controlling to me.

Do you want to see a therapist? If so, do it.

I made the decision to see a therapist last month after deciding that my focus would be on improving my mental health and improving who I am, period. I realized that I had to work on why I allowed the verbal abuse, insults, etc. to begin with. Why I was so afraid to face her anger and rock the boat. I was in a good mood if we were getting along and down when we were not. My thoughts are consumed by her when things are not going well. I keep playing scenarios over in my head as to what to expect from her, what I should've said instead to not upset her, etc. etc. Really not a healthy way to live.

My uBPDw became anxious at the thought of me going. She accused me of wanting a divorce because she was sure that all the therapist was going to tell me was to divorce her. I didn't JADE regarding counseling. I just searched for a therapist and made the appointment. I'm trying to be loving, humble, understanding, but firm with my wife. Focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that will bring you joy.