When disciplining your own child makes you scared of yourself

[gentlestguardian]

I had to discipline my littlest over the weekend and it took me to a scary place. My step daughter had been unruly all weekend and I had been wrangling her, trying my best to contain her. She was spilling out of herself, too little to express or even understand what was bothering her deep down (her parents are divorced and her other household is going through a deep rough patch) and manifesting her hurt and confusion the only way she can, which is to fall apart at the seams and become unruly, demanding, and defiant. So I was stern with her throughout the weekend and by Sunday night I could no longer contain my exasperation. I raised my voice at her because she would not listen. I was by no means out of control or out of line, yet as soon as my voice hit that unfamiliar high octave, I keenly felt inside my own body all the traits of my BPDm that make me sad/angry about the way she treats me. In that moment I felt like my BPDm (or at least what I imagine she feels like on the inside). I identified with her. I was angry at this child who was driving me crazy. I wanted her to stop so I yelled at her. I made her look at me the way I used to look at my BPDm: intimidated, and so, so sorry.

The feeling of "turning into my mother" made me hate myself. It brought up so much new resentment in me toward my BPDm.

It's so hard being a mother when I have so much anger toward my own.

It's so hard looking in the mirror and seeing features that belong to a person I don't want to be anything like - that I'm scared to be anything like.

It's so hard hearing my words come out in the sharp tone that used to be directed at me. The uncompromising tone of voice. The tone of voice that tells me danger is looming if I push my BPDm even a millimeter past her breaking point. Even if the content of what I'm saying is reasonable or necessary, the tone brings on what I can only describe as PTSD. It takes me out of the present moment and sends me far into my own head where I am six years old all over again and feeling unsafe.

I know that disciplining my child is necessary. I know that I am fair and rational in my discipline; that I am not hateful or hurtful toward my step daughter the way my mother was with me. But I am scared of my power over her as an adult. I am scared that I will make her feel toward me what I felt toward my own mother. I don't ever want her to feel that powerless. 

[Turkish]

My kids (S5 and D3) are overall happy and irreverent. I can relate, however. I hear myself raising my voice to what I view might be too much or being harsher on them than what I feel might be necessary sometimes. Kids definitely need biundaries and dscipline. I often hear in my own voice, however, Angry Dad. I'm trying to process what's real and what's triggered by my own memories of getting yelled at by my BPD mom.

Whatever the case, I always pick them up within ten minutes and give them affection, even on time outs. It seems to help (validation, not abandonment), as they are rarely made at me past the half hour. We never go to sleep angry.

[HappyChappy]

I know that disciplining my child is necessary. I know that I am fair and rational in my discipline; that I am not hateful or hurtful toward my step daughter the way my mother was with me. But I am scared of my power over her as an adult. I am scared that I will make her feel toward me what I felt toward my own mother. I don't ever want her to feel that powerless. 

The above statement is confirmation you're doing the right thing.

I share your concern, I believe all good parents would wonder if they are doing things right. But as someone who has C-PTSD and who has had vivid flashbacks to childhood, I know I forget just how harsh it was. It’s human nature to play down trauma and remember the better things. So I have raised my voice with my kids, but only for a short while, where as my BPD would rage for weeks on end. I expect we are further away from BPD than those without a BPD parent because they aren’t looking to avoid narcisstic behaviour.  The fact you/we worry about this, and post on here, is extra insurance against it ever happening.   

[gentlestguardian]

But as someone who has C-PTSD and who has had vivid flashbacks to childhood, I know I forget just how harsh it was. It’s human nature to play down trauma and remember the better things.

I struggle so much with this that there are still times when I am able to convince myself that the abuse is all in my head and that I am actually the terrible person that my BPDm painted me to be. Amazing how deeply ingrained that belief is, even after all the work I've done to surface that feeling and turn it on its head. It's truly a mind*&^% (pardon the language). What's the worst about it is that if I am in a vulnerable state where I am feeling like I am the one with the problem, any sort of disciplining of my children drives me to the verge of a nervous breakdown, so strong is my revulsion at myself for even being capable of anger or irritation.

Thank you for your supportive words, HappyChappy.