help A once familiar girlfriend has BPD, but I don't know if it is diagnosed

[gentle_one]

Woof-

I don't know where to start, but suffice to say that through social media I reached out to an old flame that had told me to connect with her over the years.  Many years since we were close.

At first everything seemed incredible.  She had thought about me as much as I had thought about her.  But in the course of a week I have seen things go from great to worse to horrible and back again.  She lives out of state but has suffered a physical attack and the loss of a very close loved one in the last few years.  I get on average 70 texts per day which include everything from "I love you" to "I hate you" sometimes in the same hour.  Much blame for abandonment comes my way.

She has specifically tried to introduce me to dbt therapy, saying it would be good for me, and that she has done it 2x.  

On Saturday I read that dbt therapy is specifically for BPD, and everything made sense.  She says she has a therapist in her life and that therapist's counsel was to see me.  I have since been doing a lot of research on BPD, which I have known about because of Brandon Marshall and his efforts to make mental health a public issue.

Again, she has not told me at all that she is diagnosed BPD, but the pattern's of behavior are consistent with the symptoms of this terrible disease.  

My big question is, do I just get out right now (she lives out of state)?  I do care about her and am worried for her.  I read in particular that if a person has BPD and an unqualified therapist attempts to treat the condition it will  make it worse.  OR... .is there any way to ask specifically if she has been diagnosed with this?  I have probed without any results such as "where did you do this dbt treatment".  "How did you find out about it, did some one recommend it for you?" but she is very evasive about this.

Thanks

Gentle_one

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi gentle_one, 

Welcome aboard.

Erratic behavior is really tough to cope with.     I understanding how confusing and frustrating it can be. 

It seems like your ex is going through a really tough period where her abandonment fears are being triggered. I would wager that from the excessive amount of texts and ambivalence.  During times where a non-disordered person would be really stressed out, for a person with BPD (pwBPD) that stress is magnified by 10,000. PwBPD have intense, fluctuating emotions, which are very hard for them to regulate.

Although DBT was originally designed for pwBPD, the therapy is used for a variety of issues such as, PTSD, Bipolar disorder, anxiety, and addictions.  You really can't be 100% certain.

The label of BPD is very stigmatizing. PwBPD commonly struggle with shame and self-loathing. The stigma attached to the label can sometimes reinforce a pwBPD's belief that they are evil or horrible. This is one of the reasons why many therapists do not give a BPD diagnosis.

From past experience, I found that probing or asking about a BPD diagnosis typically does not end well. My pwBPD has listed the diagnostic criteria for BPD verbatim, but never acknowledge he suffers from the disorder. What is your intention for asking her?

[Lucky Jim]

Welcome, gentle one.  I agree with EaglesJuju:

PwBPD have intense, fluctuating emotions, which are very hard for them to regulate.

Love-bombing (70 texts/day) is also quite common for someone w/BPD.

Suggest you tread carefully.  It's fine to care about her, but in my view it's unhealthy for all involved when one adult becomes a caretaker for another adult, which is fairly common in a BPD r/s (I did it).  You are not responsible for her well being, even though she may try to convince you otherwise.

This is probably a good time to read up on the great articles and other resources on this site.

LuckyJim

[gentle_one]

@EaglesJuju-
Well, I suppose that the reason I am seeking a diagnosis is two fold.  I thought that recently with the stars such as SNL's Pete Davidson, and NFL Receiver Brandon Marshall revealing that they had the diagnosis, that some of the stigma could be released.

Further, my fiancé (loose term at this point) is VERY smart with Psychology.  It is one of her weapons in her making me feel like I am the problem. That said, she respects her Psychiatrist VERY MUCH.  He is a genius and now substitute father in her opinion.  (SIDE NOTE IMHO she is just telling him what she knows how to tell him, as in addition to the lovely BPD, she has a rather heavy usage of Adderall, Klonopin, and a few other drugs from him.

Because we have separated, I am worried that she will be able to provide adequate support to our daughter.  The house was a disaster whenever I came home, with razor blades and pin cushions and everything around, as she crafts all day long.

My reasoning is that, with the support of my therapist (who knows her psyche and has permission to talk to him regarding me), I could show him the endless text bombs.  If he were to contact her, and during a phone session simply LAY OUT the diagnosis "you have BPD", my hope would be that she would respect him enough to seek treatment.

Her mom would pay for treatment, even up to and incluing McClean Hospital in Boston.

I think if we stopped dancing around it.  I wouldn't judge her.  It would take everything in me not to say "I told you so", but she is the mother of my child, and I simply hope for her to get better.  Our daughter deserves it.

Best,
Me.

I believe t

Her mom would pay for treatment,