Do the ever stop and consider what they've done

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm getting better just having a dark day

Separated from my exd BPD, BP, Schizophrenic gf for nearly four months NC for 8 weeks however I have been receiving daily missed calls and threatening messages from an source called anonymous whom I suspect to be linked to her. Like all of us I loved this girl deeply even though she displayed on numerous occasions the ability to do the most despicable things to me with no remorse and even twisting the situation to confuse me into wondering if it was my fault and maybe I deserved such behaviour. Mistaking because I am in a strong financial situation I created a comfortable spoilt existence for her realising now that I even rewarded her on occasions where she had intentionally hurt me. I neglected my own life and rejected friends when they tried to intervene and lost myself in the drama of just trying to survive the onslaught of her escalating rages and frequency of erratic behaviour. In the last 12mths she was trying to paint a picture of an abused controlled person to all behind my back and called the police reporting DV on three occasions , on the third even going so far as setting up a scene of abuse including bruises to get me arrested, unfortunately for her I could demonstrate that I was actually in another city that day so the charges were dropped. It became obvious the threat she posed to me an my family so I had no choice but to let her go, after a very difficult week she finally left move back OS continued to escalate her stories even claiming rape and abuse on regular occasions meanwhile she was calling me nightly usually drunk abusing me and demanding money(extortion) she stole $83k from our joint account and when confronted that was the last time I spoke with her.

Sorry for the rant, that was only a tenth of the trauma I've been through, however and this next part will make me sound crazy. I like to think that other than the last 12mths she did love me obviously the last 12mths she was split off and trying to get herself set up financially.

My question is this, I remember all the days of her sleeping in too depressed to get out of bed, in those moments do they ever stop and have a moment of honesty and wonder why did they do that and think about us from a factual perspective. I know I may never get closure here but I genuinely exhausted myself to help this girl gave everything of myself and being left to not only feel guilty but also wonder what could I have done differently without any logic around the situation is really hard to accept.

[Didntdeservethat]

I'm getting better just having a dark day

Separated from my exd BPD, BP, Schizophrenic gf for nearly four months NC for 8 weeks however I have been receiving daily missed calls and threatening messages from an source called anonymous whom I suspect to be linked to her. Like all of us I loved this girl deeply even though she displayed on numerous occasions the ability to do the most despicable things to me with no remorse and even twisting the situation to confuse me into wondering if it was my fault and maybe I deserved such behaviour. Mistaking because I am in a strong financial situation I created a comfortable spoilt existence for her realising now that I even rewarded her on occasions where she had intentionally hurt me. I neglected my own life and rejected friends when they tried to intervene and lost myself in the drama of just trying to survive the onslaught of her escalating rages and frequency of erratic behaviour. In the last 12mths she was trying to paint a picture of an abused controlled person to all behind my back and called the police reporting DV on three occasions , on the third even going so far as setting up a scene of abuse including bruises to get me arrested, unfortunately for her I could demonstrate that I was actually in another city that day so the charges were dropped. It became obvious the threat she posed to me an my family so I had no choice but to let her go, after a very difficult week she finally left move back OS continued to escalate her stories even claiming rape and abuse on regular occasions meanwhile she was calling me nightly usually drunk abusing me and demanding money(extortion) she stole $83k from our joint account and when confronted that was the last time I spoke with her.

Sorry for the rant, that was only a tenth of the trauma I've been through, however and this next part will make me sound crazy. I like to think that other than the last 12mths she did love me obviously the last 12mths she was split off and trying to get herself set up financially.

My question is this, I remember all the days of her sleeping in too depressed to get out of bed, in those moments do they ever stop and have a moment of honesty and wonder why did they do that and think about us from a factual perspective. I know I may never get closure here but I genuinely exhausted myself to help this girl gave everything of myself and being left to not only feel guilty but also wonder what could I have done differently without any logic around the situation is really hard to accept.

[goateeki]

I think that a big part of their problem is that they are unable to stop and consider what they've done.  They do not see cause and effect that way others do, and in my experience they are stubbornly resistant to any version of reality in which they might have to take responsibility for their actions, or see their lot in life as attributable in great part to who they are and what they have done (or not done).

[C.Stein]

My question is this, I remember all the days of her sleeping in too depressed to get out of bed, in those moments do they ever stop and have a moment of honesty and wonder why did they do that and think about us from a factual perspective.

I can't say with any certainty of course, but when my ex would get severely depressed I got the impression that she was feeling mostly self-hatred and was immersed in her own self-inflicted pain.  I really don't know if she could see anything through that pain, which I saw to some extent when I tried to talk to her during those times.  She would just sit there silent and if she did say something it was usually self-denigrating.  I shouldn't have attempted to have a meaningful discussion with her when she was like this, and unfortunately many of my attempts to communicate my feelings and fears came at in those times.   Even though the reason she was like that was because of something she did that hurt me, most of the time, I probably should have just comforted her and held her instead of trying to have a rational and logical conversation with her.

[Didntdeservethat]

C stien, thank you for your comments, yes my experience was the same the depression would either follow a big night on the champagne whereby she would be in her eyes the queen of the room or it would be the day after one of her extended rages, both ocasions i tried to show empathy and work through what had occured ,  i felt early in the relationship that i was making progress however towards the end any type of conversation always ended in her statement of there you go blaming me for everything. I think her phyc summed it up after the breakup when she said that with her she made small breakthroughs but they never took and the next session it was like starting all over again. Her doctors and i continually pushed for her to do some work on her childhood which when in private she admitted was horrific but would portray to everyone else that it was completely normal and loving. She has slotted straight back into her party life now in full denial but i just don't understand how she got the strength to paint me so black and cut me off so quickly when i was the one she called 30x a day and leaned on me so heavily. How can they cross so quickly from love to hatred and never consider how that may have happened. 

[goateeki]

"... .which when in private she admitted was horrific but would portray to everyone else that it was completely normal and loving."

Identical to my experience.  I know facts about my ex wife's childhood that are chilling, yet she will characterize it as "nothing but happiness." There was never more than maybe a four year period without a major rupture or tragedy (abandonment, rape, pregnancy, abortion, loss of work, etc.). Now she can add to that list divorce. 

[C.Stein]

How can they cross so quickly from love to hatred and never consider how that may have happened. 

Man, how I wish I knew the answer to this.  It boggles my mind how someone who once said ... .if it's not you it will be nobody ... .you’re the love of my life ... .etc ... .could so easily discard and devalue that person and move on to the next one without any apparent guilt, shame or remorse.  This is not saying she doesn't have those emotions but her actions don't really show she does in any significant or meaningful way.

[hashtag_loyal]

My question is this, I remember all the days of her sleeping in too depressed to get out of bed, in those moments do they ever stop and have a moment of honesty and wonder why did they do that and think about us from a factual perspective.

Some do, and for them it is their "low" and their first steps in becoming no longer BPD.

Most, however, probably do not. For them life is just a sequence of terrible events and they are merely the unfortunate victim in all of it.

[blackbirdsong]

Let us look this from other perspective... .

Imagine that someone else observes us in those relationships with BPDs and asks: ":)o they ever take time and think: I don't deserve this. I deserve to be loved?"

The answer is probably  the same: No.

Because if they do, sincerely and from deep of their heart ,they wouldn't be BPD. (the same as we wouldn't be in BPD relationship)

[buck hunter]

 we all have to remember that when dealing with BPD thay lack a lot of the social norms. for me I learned not to expect her to do something normal or take responsibly for her actions its even hard to call her out because it generally gets thrown back on me as my falt. its sad and very hard to see someone that you love that is very smart and lack  the basic things that healthy people have. ive learned you cant have expectations. ive yet to see in two years imit she has done something wrong. mentally its just not there for her to do so. so do thay ever stop and consider what thay have done? I would say no, because if its a good thing or a  bad thing thay would justify thay are wright and will fight to prove thay have done nothing wrong. or twist there doing around and blame it on you.