Month and some pocket change...

[Moorwen]

Hi all. To be honest i was reluctant to write again. During the month and couple days (3 to be precise) of not talking to my exBPD i think i've passed quite a lot phases of recovery but also of depression. I was in big depression period for two and half years, which ended this January.  It had lot to do with my life, and coping with it. I spent most of it alone first in hospital till i was 21 then working to get by, finished 2 universities and i didn't believed in love or relationships, wasn't in any before this one (so a joke is, big one on me i think). For a big part my life was one of solitude and loneliness. Don't get me wrong, i'm introvert who is very good at mimicking extroverts, but there was always a distance between me and others, which i was never able to cross, nor anyone to my side, till her. Yes, i know it was idealization phase, and didn't had a lot to do with real me, but each day i miss that feeling of unconditional and pure love i had illusion she gave me. I don't know how she felt now when i think about it, but it was finally fulfilling and complete for me. I felt alive, loved and for the first time happy. It was a long distance relationship but physical world was always second to me in comparison to spiritual one. We lasted for 40 days like that, and in the end i realized in big part all was lie. I poured all the love i held all my life into person who didn't give a damn about it in the end. Yet we mutually left each other, she to toy with new "soulmate" most probably, me to heal... .I'm not sure how much i did heal really... .

After a time of this month like i said i passed several phases, coming to that one of me forgiving her. She is now safely tucked under a rock of past, yet i feel like i haven't moved on. I don't have anything to move on to, really. I feel every day more and more isolating myself, speaking less, noticing less, living less (and i'm quite low at scale of those to begin with). I see the patterns of depression coming back, and i don't know how to prevent it, really. Friends told me how it will all be ok, how i'll meet a good girl when i least expect it (Oh yes, and before you know it, you're 60-70 years old, cursing your own life) and that things will change. I don't believe it, i don't know how to believe it. I have no foundation in my life, not single stone to put those things on. All i known was struggle and pain. I tried to keep myself occupied with writing (my unfortunate profession) and to try to get to few places to volunteer till i get to work at end of January, but no luck. Writing gets me worse, i just write about dying and suffering all the time, and for that other places nobody called me yet. I feel like a stranger, with no place or meaning. I am full aware that is the core of depression but how can i battle something that seems so true? I'm slowly neglecting my life and i think soon i'll come to stage where i won't even get up from bed for days... .

She shown me, how great person i was really, how much of good and love was in me. Yet, i believe no one will ever see it, normal person that could cherish it. And so my mind is stuck, i can't battle something i can't see, but i know is overtaking me each day a little... .And i'm afraid how it will be month from now. Each day feels heavier then that one before it. Any advice would be appreciated. I truly mean it, and thanks to any person that reads it. Take care all... .

[Kelli Cornett]

I know just how you feel.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am so very sorry for your pain and loss, Moorwen.  I don't know how you feel, of course, as nobody can know another's feelings.  But I can hear yours and the loneliness, the isolation, the doubt.  

Here's my thought in response.  My ex was enormously destructive and lied to me endlessly.  He used me and manipulated me (I let him).  That said, he was super complimentary of me.  Told me that I am an "alluring, sexy, smart woman who is fun to be around and that any man would be lucky to have."  He said if I believe nothing else he ever told me I should believe that.

And you know what?  :)espite all of his many lies, I do believe him. I think he really meant that.  He couldn't treat me right or live up to it.  But I believe deep down that this was true for him.  He saw this in me because it is there.  He couldn't have mirrored it if it weren't true.  It is true.  I honestly didn't know it before him.  Yes, there was a lot of destruction, but THIS was the biggest gift of all.  How twisted that one of the biggest gifts of my life came from the one who destroyed the most.  

But I am taking that gift.  I am taking that with me with a lot of gratitude as I move forward in my life.  I am reminding myself of that frequently when I feel scared or doubtful in the dating world.  This gift has been very helpful.  

She shown me, how great person i was really, how much of good and love was in me.

She couldn't have shown you this if it weren't true.  It is true.  Take that and run with it.  You can spend all day telling yourself that nobody else will see it.  Or you can spend all day telling yourself that it is true and of course others can see it too.  It is a choice.  Take the gift of having seen who YOU really are - great, good, loving.  

[Moorwen]

Its a set of firm believes i'm afraid. Its hard to break out from those, especially alone. But i don't have a choice really, i know what it is, if i don't break out from it. On the other side whatever happens i can't be 100% sure i know how life will turn out to be. Ty for your replies, i really appreciate it. Take care.

[toddinrochester]

Hang in there! I am two classes out from my behavioral psych degree. I met my ExwBPD last summer. There is nothing I have read or written about that could have prepared me for the fallout emotionally from this. I have good days and bad and days I pray to God I die in my sleep because my ability to trust really about anyone in general is gone, let alone a spouse.

Hang in there. You will still have waves of grief but you can seem them coming now and brace for it.