I broke up once...but I can't seem to let go again despite the damage

[Depression = 72% of members]

First of all my story might sound 'easy' to some of you out there that are married etc, but I want you to know it effects me very deeply, and has been tearing me up.

Essentially over a year ago I got involved with a woman 16 years older than me, at first it was just a casual hookup but the feelings got real fast.  I moved to a new town 5 hrs away due to job but kept in touch, she was my only real contact and I was very very lonely.  Time went on, we'd meet about 1/month but talk occsionally, it was always HER calling me, because of some vague child custody.

A major problem is that I once was a fire fighter, and she is a flight nurse (works on helicopter/er) so she does a pretty exciting job - of which she would remind me of ALL the time. My current job is much slower paced, its interesting but not really exciting at all.  EVERY time we would talk, I'd tell her stories about motocycles, rock climbing etc and its be subtle put downs 'well, thats sure dangerous/tried motocycles once and they were boring' - followed by a rapid switch to how cool SHE was 'well I had this huge rescue on a mountain, everyone needed me to save them' on some level this is obvious exaggeration but also true as she DOES do this kind of thing.

So meanwhile I feel like total trash, thinking how dumb my job is, how I want to do what she does (I LOVE helicopters, but suddenly I start thinking I should go back to school to be a flight nurse eventually), I even consider suicide, but its mostly just a desire to reach out.

She does some nice things for me, she read my book I wrote, which was 500 pgs, so that was a nice gesture I clung to.

Eventually I find out she is married and living with her husband

She says its loveless etc, but now it makes me feel even worse, somehow I became an adulterer, and worse, I'm trauma bonded to her that I know I need to get out, but cant.  I dont want to hurt her, I miss her, she seems so nice at times.  (For the record, she calls like 1/week, occsionally she will sit on phone for an hour+ but usually its 'well got to go fly and save someone bye!' which makes me feel worse.

I'm kind of lost what to do here, esp getting over the not wanting to hurt her... .



Thanks

[Sword]

First of all my story might sound 'easy' to some of you out there that are married etc, but I want you to know it effects me very deeply, and has been tearing me up.

Essentially over a year ago I got involved with a woman 16 years older than me, at first it was just a casual hookup but the feelings got real fast.  I moved to a new town 5 hrs away due to job but kept in touch, she was my only real contact and I was very very lonely.  Time went on, we'd meet about 1/month but talk occsionally, it was always HER calling me, because of some vague child custody.

A major problem is that I once was a fire fighter, and she is a flight nurse (works on helicopter/er) so she does a pretty exciting job - of which she would remind me of ALL the time. My current job is much slower paced, its interesting but not really exciting at all.  EVERY time we would talk, I'd tell her stories about motocycles, rock climbing etc and its be subtle put downs 'well, thats sure dangerous/tried motocycles once and they were boring' - followed by a rapid switch to how cool SHE was 'well I had this huge rescue on a mountain, everyone needed me to save them' on some level this is obvious exaggeration but also true as she DOES do this kind of thing.

So meanwhile I feel like total trash, thinking how dumb my job is, how I want to do what she does (I LOVE helicopters, but suddenly I start thinking I should go back to school to be a flight nurse eventually), I even consider suicide, but its mostly just a desire to reach out.

She does some nice things for me, she read my book I wrote, which was 500 pgs, so that was a nice gesture I clung to.

Eventually I find out she is married and living with her husband

She says its loveless etc, but now it makes me feel even worse, somehow I became an adulterer, and worse, I'm trauma bonded to her that I know I need to get out, but cant.  I dont want to hurt her, I miss her, she seems so nice at times.  (For the record, she calls like 1/week, occsionally she will sit on phone for an hour+ but usually its 'well got to go fly and save someone bye!' which makes me feel worse.

I'm kind of lost what to do here, esp getting over the not wanting to hurt her... .



Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sword, What are you getting out of it?  Presumably something more than sex.  LuckyJim

[Sword]

Hey Sword, What are you getting out of it?  Presumably something more than sex.  LuckyJim

Occsional attention, someone that appears to care about me temporarily - which is ironic because I know my family cares about me. 

I am sure there is some codependency stuff going on that I 'need' her approval sort of thing.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, maybe you should look into the codependency angle, i.e., why you need someone else's approval in order to feel good inside.  Looking to someone else to confirm your own worth and value is a slippery slope, needless to say; the idea is to source it from within.  Believe it or not, you don't need your GF in order to be whole and complete.

What makes you think your friend has BPD?

I also sense some sort of competition between the two of you over who has the most exciting job, and not sure what that is all about.

LuckyJim

[Sword]

Well, maybe you should look into the codependency angle, i.e., why you need someone else's approval in order to feel good inside.  Looking to someone else to confirm your own worth and value is a slippery slope, needless to say; the idea is to source it from within.  Believe it or not, you don't need your GF in order to be whole and complete.

What makes you think your friend has BPD?

I also sense some sort of competition between the two of you over who has the most exciting job, and not sure what that is all about.

LuckyJim

Oh yeah, MAJOR competition thing.  She would literally always tell me 'this isnt a competition' but then proceed to tell me why her thing was great, and my stories weren't interesting.

Ugh... .SOO confused.  She wasn't all bad.  She would sit at watch me draw, tell me it was interesting etc. Yet, pull away from me, go silent on me for week(s).