ex broke NC after almost a year... am I over her?

[lawman79]

 So I posted the other day that exuBPDgf broke NC after almost a year over the weekend.  She did in the strangest of ways... .by seeing my profile and on a dating app and contacting via the app.  We messaged a bit on the app, most about very non controversial topics, most about how my dog which we got together was doing.  She even suggested that we meet up at the dog park.  

 Our break was ugly, violent and sudden.  She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship and would often lie about things to get attention and sympathy.  I don't know why she reached out, other than she is single and say me on this dating app.

 I was a little shaken at first... .some shock... .and curiosity about what she wanted.  I haven't heard from her again since Sunday night, probably a good thing although I would assume I will hear from her again shortly,

 So I always wondered how I would react if she reappeared, I assumed that I would never hear from her again.  Although I am still curious as to what she wants, I haven't contacted her.  I haven't followed on her invitation to get together and I haven't escalated the communication to some higher form than a dating app... .such as email.  So I think I am ok and handling it well.  I can't say that I am indifferent to her, but it's not so bad.  :)oes this mean I am finally over her?

[cloudten]

I don't think I am capable of answering your question.  It doesn't sound like you are jumping at the chance to talk to her and get back on the beepeedee crazy train... .so you might possibly be over her... .or at least see it for what it is.

I mean- how do you feel? Do you want her back? Have you been dating other people?

[lawman79]

The BPD train was pretty nasty to me.  We were together 14 months, numerous breakups and tons of abuse.  Every time I would drive away from her house after one of her rages I would feel a sense of freedom and relief.  Unfortunately that feeling didn't always last.  Such is life huh... .

  I do care for her and there were some good parts (few and far between in retrospect).  I have been dating and have met several wonder women who were superior to my ex in every way possible... .and yet I still care for her.

  Not a rush to get back on the crazy train or take more abuse.  It took me a few months after the last break up to feel somewhat ok again and I don't want to go through that again.  Let's be honest it's not like anything has changed with her or I should expect any different.

  Not in a rush to heighten contact or meet up, she used to texts constantly and I really don't want her to return that anytime soon.  If she does reach out to go to the dog park... .not sure how I will react. 

[cloudten]

It sure does sound like you have been thru the wringer. I have been there myself... .over and over again.

It might be a good idea to decide, right now, how you will respond or not respond if she reaches out about the dog park. Then you will have a game plan in place in case she does.

I hope this hasn't really set you back too badly today. Sometimes remembering the crazy train is enough of a reminder to pull one back to reality. Reality is you were abused and lived to tell about it... .but you survived. You sound very strong! Keep it up!

[lawman79]

Thank you for your kind and supportive words cloudten.  It was pretty bad, but it only lasted a little over a year and although I got some emotional cuts and scrapes nothing really bad happened.   Didn't have a run in with the police, didn't cost me my job like she threatened, didn't get pregnant or married and didn't get an STD.  I know a lot of others have had it a lot worse on this board.

I haven't heard from her since Sunday night, probably a good sign.  She is on a dating app after all, so lots of things to distract her.  I feel like this has set me back a little, in the sense she is on my mind again.  A small part of me would like to see her, but I think that is normal.  The vast majority of me is ok with maybe having light and infrequent content from a distance. 

She did do her best though to pull me back... .sob stories about health problems and pictures of her with my puppy. 

In terms of deciding what to do before hand... .it's going to be almost 70 degrees here on Saturday (a good 30 degrees above normal), I think my pup and I are going to head to the dog park anyway.  If she comes that's fine too.  I won't invite her though.

[cloudten]

That sounds like a good game plan.

You're going to have good days and bad days... .You'll come back around to feeling better. At least you can see the pull for what it was!

[lawman79]

So we met at the dog park and it was awkward and icy.  We talked about nothing for over an hour and a half.  She didn't even give me a hug.  Two days later she started messaging me on gchat... .more stuff about her dogs. Out of nowhere she blew up at me on gchat and said I was hateful and nasty to her.  I said we both said horrible things to each other in the last interaction a year ago.  I told her I would not have this conversation over gchat it would have to be in person.  At her suggestion we met up Wednesday night and took the three dogs for a two hour walk (I knew that set up would not lead to any meaningful discussions).  We really didn't talk about anything.  She asked if I had anything to talk about and I said it seems she wanted to talk about things based on what she said on gchat. She said she had nothing to say so I left it at that.

We walked back to her house and she asked if my dog could stay over.  I thought she was kidding so I brushed it off.  Again no hug or anything.  The next day she starts gchating me again and sends me a picture of the destruction her dog caused when she got home.  She even mentioned the dog slumber party thing again.

I am really not sure wants.  It seems like she is looking for me to beg and apologize, neither is going to happen.  It feels like she is being passive aggressive with me and doing a push pull thing.  If she were a normal ex gf I would think this was all an attempt to get me back but with her I have idea.

I am not sure what to do at this point, but I am not going to keep this daily weird interactions that all seem to revolve around our dogs. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lawman, Where do you see this headed?  I wonder whether you are opening yourself up to more pain.  Suggest you proceed with caution and keep good boundaries.

LuckyJim

[lawman79]

Lucky Jim

I don't really know where I see this going.  The one thing that I know for sure is that I will return to the old relationship where I received a great deal of verbal and emotional abuse. 

There certainly is risk in communicating with her.  I am trying to be careful.  Is it just me or is her behavior odd? We went from not talking for almost a year to meeting up twice in 4 days and talking everyday.  Seems like it's a quick acceleration. 

[Lucky Jim]

To me, the sudden ramping up is a red flag.   

On some level, from what you are saying, you already sense something is off.  Suggest you pay attention to what your gut is telling you.

Proceed with caution, my friend.  I disregarded my gut feelings and paid a high price for it!

LuckyJim

[lawman79]

I definitely sense that something is off.  Friendships don't proceed like this.  I am almost certain she wants to recycle.  I think I will take a few steps back and let her be.   If she contacts me again and is respectful fine, if not that's ok too.  I won't encourage this weird ambiguous frequent and meetings.  Any other advice?

[Skip]

Decide what you want based on what you know and then go for it (amicable exs, friendship, more ).  :)on't make it contingent on her micro-activities. You drive your own destiny here. Reach for what you want in life. Lead.

[lawman79]

That's great advice Skip.  I realize I don't know what I want.  I do not think being in a romantic relationship with her would be positive or healthy me.  She has not addressed her issues at all and seems unlikely to ever do it.  Plus she is surrounded by some very unstable toxic people (birds of a feather flock together).  I am leaning somewhere between amicable exs and friendship. 

[Skip]

I am leaning somewhere between amicable exs and friendship. 

She may be too - that is consistent with her actions.

[lawman79]

I don't know if I agree with that.  Her bringing up the past and saying she wanted to talk about things and then saying she didn't have ANYTHING to say don't seem consistent with that.  To me it seems like she is waiting for me to tell her that I love her and want her and beg and apologize.  If her past behavior is any indication, I think her contact and attempts at getting together are going to quickly ramp up.