Parent w BPD

[Ellemno]

Spent the last few years really "getting it" after dating 2 pwBPD.

Still too much sometimes.

[Turkish]

Hi Ellemno,

I'm a "Leaver/Detacher" since I started here on that board, then I found my way here after some months, thinking about my mother and reprocessing my childhood which I had tried to leave behind. I always found myself drawn to disordered women. I didn't really "see" things until I came here, and still not for a while, so you've got one up on me. 

What's going on with your parent which leads you to believe BPD? How can we support you in finding answers?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Still too much sometimes.

A problem shared is a problem halved. This website helped me "get it" in that some of our experinces are so bizzar, it helps to know others went through something similar. So feel free to share whatever you're comfortable with. Yet to see a judgmental comment or Troll on this forum.  

[Ellemno]

Long time away. For me, it was realizing that my step-father was pwBPD, and that my mom likely has traits. Left home when I was 17 to live on my own, parents responded by taking everything I left behind and dumping it on the lawn of my new place in the middle of the night. They left a note, so I'd know it was them. I never used the word "abuse" until afterpwBPD 2, when I left her and had all of these memories come back.

Dating 2 people w BPD made me feel amazing and then awful, as you all can likely expect.  I think the thing is that time takes so long! But also, that it seemed that some sort of "fair" prize should've been awarded me after doing the work, getting the therapy, re-processing (to use your word) my childhood but fully this time. I think that somewhere in my being, I thought that if I did the work, the pain I felt would've been lessened, like the idea of understanding things more would reduce the terribleness. But it doesn't. I mean, of course it doesn't. But, man, what a let down! I apparently expected I could think my way out of it all.

It just feels so hard to move through it, you know.

[Turkish]

Welcome back.

I met my Ex doing at-risk youth mentoring. One of the lessons taught to the youth was "you don't know what you don't know." When dysfunction is all that we know, this is our reality. What are you doing now that you think is contibuting to your healing and moving forward?

[Ellemno]

Good question. I try to do things that bring me joy. I've got an awesome crew of friends for support, though these days we are all kinda busy. I plan trips, I work on passion projects.

I try to regularly engage in self-care, but that's hard.

Any suggestions or mantras to share?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Odd you ask.  I had a stated goal when I started formal therapy (before uncovering that my wife is uBPD) of coming up with a mantra to get me through - whether staying or divorcing.  This is the mantra I came up with.  It's my 4H motto:

I'm Happy (happiness comes from within and is my choice)

I'm Healthy (turned out that I was pretty normal, the major source of problems and my wife's accusations were largely not true and projections based on her abysmal self-view)

I'm Healing (I am doing as much reading and study and reflection as I can, I am on a path)

I'm Halfway (if you want a relationship with me, I'll meet you halfway.  I will do good and wait for you to return it.  I used to give and give and give and rescue and suffer for it.  Now I visualize myself as an island with some complete, some broken bridges leading to other islands.  I have done my half on the relationships I value - the bridges - and will wait and meet you if you want to build a healthy bridge to meet me)

I use this as my self-coaching to keep up boundaries, keep myself sane, and keep working on me.