Estranged wife turned up at my apartment out of the blue

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My story is as follows.

I live and work in an Asian country and married a lady from another Asian country, I had been living with her for 6 years, married for 3 until I asked her to leave in July of this year and bought her a one way ticket back to her country.

A few weeks ago, I had heard she was back working in the same country as me, but had no idea where.

I had started divorce proceedings via a lawyer which was sent to my wife's known email address to which there had been no reply for weeks.

Well, after 5 months of separation from my uBPDw and with myself having strict NC throughout, on Sunday evening I had a knock at my door and when I opened the door to my surprise my wife was there.

At first I was taken by surprise and refused to let her in, but she mentioned she wanted to talk about the divorce, so I let her in.

She started to inform me that it would not be as simple as first thought, as though we were married in the country where I live and work, she had registered the marriage in her own country and even if we divorced here it would not be valid in her country and that it would be a long process to get an annulment.

Anyway after we started talking, she was telling me of how much she has missed me and loves me and that I have put her through hell with abandoning her/throwing her away and having no contact with her.

I explained to her that it was for the best and that I was not the right man for her, not mentioning anything about BPD to her as I know she would be in strict denial.

She went onto to say that I was the right man for her and that she had done nothing wrong never cheated and everything was down to me for the breakup.

I know she had cheated, but it would be futile to approach her with it as she was in strict denial.

The victim playing on her part was screaming out at me as BPD but I kept my calm and told her that she could blame me and that it was time she moved on, to which she replied she can't move on.

Anyway, to cut a long story short she ended up staying for 3 days leaving this morning back to her sisters which is the next city to me about 1.5 hours drive away.

I have told her that I will unblock her as that we need to sort out the divorce and I would remain friends with her and wished her all the best and again stressed I am not the man for her and that she must not come to my apartment again.

I have to date, had 2 phone calls in 2 hours from her crying and telling me she loves me and misses me.

I am not emotionally attached to her in anyway anymore and just feel sorry for her.

Could anyone give me some advice on the best way to handle this.

[English Sid]

My story is as follows.

I live and work in an Asian country and married a lady from another Asian country, I had been living with her for 6 years, married for 3 until I asked her to leave in July of this year and bought her a one way ticket back to her country.

A few weeks ago, I had heard she was back working in the same country as me, but had no idea where.

I had started divorce proceedings via a lawyer which was sent to my wife's known email address to which there had been no reply for weeks.

Well, after 5 months of separation from my uBPDw and with myself having strict NC throughout, on Sunday evening I had a knock at my door and when I opened the door to my surprise my wife was there.

At first I was taken by surprise and refused to let her in, but she mentioned she wanted to talk about the divorce, so I let her in.

She started to inform me that it would not be as simple as first thought, as though we were married in the country where I live and work, she had registered the marriage in her own country and even if we divorced here it would not be valid in her country and that it would be a long process to get an annulment.

Anyway after we started talking, she was telling me of how much she has missed me and loves me and that I have put her through hell with abandoning her/throwing her away and having no contact with her.

I explained to her that it was for the best and that I was not the right man for her, not mentioning anything about BPD to her as I know she would be in strict denial.

She went onto to say that I was the right man for her and that she had done nothing wrong never cheated and everything was down to me for the breakup.

I know she had cheated, but it would be futile to approach her with it as she was in strict denial.

The victim playing on her part was screaming out at me as BPD but I kept my calm and told her that she could blame me and that it was time she moved on, to which she replied she can't move on.

Anyway, to cut a long story short she ended up staying for 3 days leaving this morning back to her sisters which is the next city to me about 1.5 hours drive away.

I have told her that I will unblock her as that we need to sort out the divorce and I would remain friends with her and wished her all the best and again stressed I am not the man for her and that she must not come to my apartment again.

I have to date, had 2 phone calls in 2 hours from her crying and telling me she loves me and misses me.

I am not emotionally attached to her in anyway anymore and just feel sorry for her.

Could anyone give me some advice on the best way to handle this.

[hopealways]

The BPD script runs in continuous loop so things will NEVER change without severe therapeutic intervention.  So that should give you an idea of how to deal with this.

It's so interesting how they just reappear out of the blue.  Typical increments are 2 months, 5 months and 1 year based on the thousands of stories I have read. I wonder why these increments.

[Flutterby32]

Wow, this is actually something I am afraid might happen when I initiate a breakup with my spouse next month.

She attends school in another state and is currently back for the holidays. I do not deal well with in person drama due to Aspergers/Autism, so I want to break up by letter when she is back in the other state.

I am afraid that when she gets the letter, she may drop her classes and come back here to try and save the marriage or otherwise just hang on to me.

[Joem678]

This does become a fear!  I fear this too. 

[Cane787]

I did the breaking up by letter, with compassion.

She just pretended she didn't get it, and wrote a loving text to manipulate me back. Or maybe from fear. (I don't want to always assume it's manipulation.)

I called her out on what she avoided. She's been quiet since, and I hope it stays that way. (but I'm in a different state.) Maybe they are more open to a normal ending if miles separate them from the person.

[English Sid]

Wife sent me a text and because I did not reply straight away she phoned me and asked why I had not called.

I told her that I was busy and that I had only broken NC as I had explained to her earlier, due to the fact that we needed to talk regarding the on-going divorce.

She replied that if I did not respond sooner, she would come back to my apartment, I told her that she must not do that and I would respond to her ASAP.

This may be the start of a nightmare scenario now that she is leaving quite close by.

[Joem678]

English Sid,

I must say that it does seem to be the beginning of a bad situation.

[English Sid]

The wife now wants to spend Christmas with me, I told her that is not a good idea if she wants to start detaching, she flipped and said that she would never sign any divorce papers and that she would come back to my apartment and stay outside my door until I let her in.

I told her that her visa runs out at the end of the year and that she would be in serious trouble if she overstayed to which she replied I don't care, at least I am still in the same country.

I am sure she has got at least 2 other males in her web at the moment, so can't understand why she has started bothering me, unless it is because I am the one who ended the relationship and cold towards her.

With her coming back after 5 months and with her current actions, shows me that I was 100% right to get off this crazy ride in the first place.