BPD Interest/Non-Interest or Motivation in helping themselves

[Concerns]

"What every Non Needs To Know

A borderlines who is serious about therapy will be responsible enough to make their appointments, be honest with their therapists, and do any and all suggested homework. Borderlines serious about treatment will pursue it, and make a commitment to it.

Anything less than this is a waste of time and money, typically with the borderline just going through the motions to placate someone else.

Some with BPD may want to change but cannot make a commitment, or have the motivation and personal responsibility needed to make it work. If the person with BPD in your life misses appointments, re-schedules them, and/or finds endless reasons why the therapists they've seen is "the problem", "make things difficult" or "just doesn’t understand”, you are likely dealing with someone who isn’t really invested in getting help, or getting better."

This is a quote from an article linked by one of our moderators in another forum. 

How can we be partners for BPD sufferers if they aren't interested in helping themselves?

It would seem the article suggests the effort may be futile if a sufferer really has no interest in helping themselves. It hurts to acknowledge but may be, in fact, the only resolution is to let them go. Thoughts?

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[flourdust]

I raised a very similar question in another thread. My wife is diagnosed and in DBT, but she says she is going because I am forcing her.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi flourdust,

I have to say that I agree with the sentiment outlined in this quotation. In my opinion, BPD involves a whole armour of defences designed to stop the pwBPD from facing the realisation that they are responsible for their emotions, their actions and their experience of life. When with a therapist, they will use all these defences to ward off the threat to their self-image and coping skills in the same way that they do with us. Having said that, I think that anyone reluctant to undergo therapy will do exactly the same thing though the defences they use may be different.

Lifewriter x

[maxsterling]

Even if they go for the wrong reason, it's still better than not going.  And with hope and time, perhaps he/she will start seeing the right reason to go.

In 12-step programs, there is a slogan "fake it until you make it."  Most addicts will say that was true for them.  Initially, there was some reason they had to sober up, such as a court order.  Most will claim it took years before they actually started to stay sober for themselves.  My wife says the same thing. Initially, she stayed sober because she felt she had no other choice.  I think she still feels that way at times because she has a hard time seeing how her life is better being sober. 

My wife does not want to be depressed and anxious and angry all the time.  Yet, she has little motivation to do the things that would actually make a difference.  She may start something, and never follow through.  Or she may do it begrudgingly.  I think most, if not all, pwBPD are depressed, many seriously.  Depression is such a rough illness because one of it's key symptoms is a lack of desire for self-care and things that could relieve symptoms.  My wife knows that eating healthier, exercising and socializing will help with her depression, yet the depression prevents her from mustering the motivation to do any of those things.

[Concerns]

Interesting. I worry about what I would call compound devaluation. If your BPDso is not serious about therapy, its benefits, and even may be resistant to the entire idea of therapy then encouragement by the non will be another trigger for increased devaluation thus compounding the negative trigger associated with you as the non. You become even more of an enemy. You become "the enforcer" of her negative emotions. I'm already public enemy #1.

[Lifewriter16]

Interesting. I worry about what I would call compound devaluation. If your BPDso is not serious about therapy, its benefits, and even may be resistant to the entire idea of therapy then encouragement by the non will be another trigger for increased devaluation thus compounding the negative trigger associated with you as the non. You become even more of an enemy. You become "the enforcer" of her negative emotions. I'm already public enemy #1.

I'm inclined to agree with you Concerns, but perhaps it depends upon the particular pwBPD as to whether unwanted exposure to a therapeutic environment will be effective. For any therapeutic endeavour to be successful, the pwBPD is going to have to go through some extremely painful times, it could possibly involve years of pain to sufficiently address the underlying issues and really put the relationship right. The pwBPD would have to be very motivated to do this. Healing isn't a passive affair.

Lifewriter x

[MaroonLiquid]

Interesting. I worry about what I would call compound devaluation. If your BPDso is not serious about therapy, its benefits, and even may be resistant to the entire idea of therapy then encouragement by the non will be another trigger for increased devaluation thus compounding the negative trigger associated with you as the non. You become even more of an enemy. You become "the enforcer" of her negative emotions. I'm already public enemy #1.

I have to somewhat agree with this.  I gave up mentioning, pursuing or asking my wife for any type of counseling about 6-8 months ago.  I also refused to fight with her.  It has made things so much better, and because she knows she has issues she needs to deal with, she resisted it and made me public enemy number 1.  Now, things are much better... .