What Treatment is Your BPD SO Pursuing?

[JaneStorm]

I am curious to know from those of you staying, what treatment is your SO getting for the BPD? Did you make them? Are they consistent and dedicated to the treatment?

Thanks,

JS 

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[maxsterling]

My wife sees a talk-therapist about once per week.  She also has a psychiatrist she sees about once per month who manages her medications for depression and anxiety.  I wish I could say she attends 12-step meetings for addiction recovery, but she hasn't been active for about 2 months.  She has also been hospitalized twice.  Once for suicide ideation, once for a suicide attempt.

While not currently doing any of these, over the past two years she has also done art therapy, group therapy, and a few other self-help classes, none of which she stuck with for very long.

Prior to me meeting her, she was more active in 12-step programs, had numerous hospitalizations, went through a few years of DBT, and was for the most part in some kind of therapy from the time she was a teenager.

Medication has calmed her considerably, but she still is depressed and struggling.  My feeling is that she would benefit strongly from a more structured therapy program, such as DBT, again.  She's had the opportunity for this, and claims she needs it, yet finds an excuse to quit after a week or two.

[flourdust]

My wife is in a group DBT program that meets for nine hours each week. She also has weekly meetings with her individual therapist. Her psychiatrist has her on a very large assortment of medications, for mood stabilization, depression, and anxiety.

When she's emotional, she's expressed to me several times that she is in the DBT program because I am forcing her and that I've given her an ultimatum to change herself with this program. (Kernel of truth: I have encouraged her to be in the program because we both recognized she was out of control, and I have told her when pressed that I couldn't be with her forever if I didn't see some improvements.)

She seems to be pretty compliant with all the treatment, in terms of following medication instructions and showing up at the sessions.

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

[JaneStorm]

My wife sees a talk-therapist about once per week.  She also has a psychiatrist she sees about once per month who manages her medications for depression and anxiety.  I wish I could say she attends 12-step meetings for addiction recovery, but she hasn't been active for about 2 months.  She has also been hospitalized twice.  Once for suicide ideation, once for a suicide attempt.

While not currently doing any of these, over the past two years she has also done art therapy, group therapy, and a few other self-help classes, none of which she stuck with for very long.

Prior to me meeting her, she was more active in 12-step programs, had numerous hospitalizations, went through a few years of DBT, and was for the most part in some kind of therapy from the time she was a teenager.

Medication has calmed her considerably, but she still is depressed and struggling.  My feeling is that she would benefit strongly from a more structured therapy program, such as DBT, again.  She's had the opportunity for this, and claims she needs it, yet finds an excuse to quit after a week or two.

That is quite the rough road you are on.   Do you feel that T she is seeing weekly is addressing any of the BPD symptoms?

[JaneStorm]

My wife is in a group DBT program that meets for nine hours each week. She also has weekly meetings with her individual therapist. Her psychiatrist has her on a very large assortment of medications, for mood stabilization, depression, and anxiety.

When she's emotional, she's expressed to me several times that she is in the DBT program because I am forcing her and that I've given her an ultimatum to change herself with this program. (Kernel of truth: I have encouraged her to be in the program because we both recognized she was out of control, and I have told her when pressed that I couldn't be with her forever if I didn't see some improvements.)

She seems to be pretty compliant with all the treatment, in terms of following medication instructions and showing up at the sessions.

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

How long has she been the DBT group and individual therapy? I figured they would lash out and act like they were forced; it is my experience that is how they handle everything after they make an agreement.

[Ceruleanblue]

My BPD/NPDh was in DBT, but they had some shakedown there, and he hasn't heard back from them. I'd think he was lying to me, but I actually overheard a phone call he made, trying to get back in. Still nothing.

He's currently despressed or in another of his "give up on the marriage, and life is awful" phases, so I wish he'd get into some sort of individual therapy. The did individual therapy for four years, and he actually got worse under her care. I think she should have advised him to see a psychiatrist. He eventually did, because I begged, and he was open to reconciliation(he's left me).

He now sees his psychiatrist every so often, and he's on the highest dose of Wellbutrin, I believe. His anger is marginally better, but I don't feel it helps with any of the other BPD/NPD traits.

Also, I think if the pwBPD is in denial, or doesn't really want to work the DBT program, it won't work for them. I actually use DBT skills, way more than BPDh. I don't think he got anything out of DBT, because he didn't apply himself. All he did was go there, gripe about me, and not read the literature he came home with. I think it can be a great program, but like anything, they have to have the desire to want to, and use the skills.

We also were in marriage therapy, which was a total bust. I feel he triangulated the therapist, and just wanted to place all blame on me. We needed to learn better communication skills(I'm huge on communication, and BPDh refuses to communicate, or twists everything I say), but there was none of that in marriage therapy. He's supposed to be calling my individual therapist, because she also does MC, and she says she focuses on communication, and I think BPDh would like her. He's putting it off though.

Basically, he's not in any treatment, and he says he needs to change his outlook and perspective, but he does nothing about it. As a non partner, there isn't a lot we can do, unless you have a really receptive partner. Mine is really resistant to any suggestions, and hates "being told what to do". Yeah, that is how he looks at any request I make, large or small.  

[Ceruleanblue]

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

This was exactly what BPDh did. Exactly.

[flourdust]

My wife is in a group DBT program that meets for nine hours each week. She also has weekly meetings with her individual therapist. Her psychiatrist has her on a very large assortment of medications, for mood stabilization, depression, and anxiety.

When she's emotional, she's expressed to me several times that she is in the DBT program because I am forcing her and that I've given her an ultimatum to change herself with this program. (Kernel of truth: I have encouraged her to be in the program because we both recognized she was out of control, and I have told her when pressed that I couldn't be with her forever if I didn't see some improvements.)

She seems to be pretty compliant with all the treatment, in terms of following medication instructions and showing up at the sessions.

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

How long has she been the DBT group and individual therapy? I figured they would lash out and act like they were forced; it is my experience that is how they handle everything after they make an agreement.

About six months for DBT; individual therapy has been most of her life. Hard for me to tell if this is a normal curve for coming to acceptance with DBT or if it's a waste of time.

[maxsterling]

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

This was exactly what BPDh did. Exactly.

Yeah, I see things the same way.  I think W often uses T for validation and for someone to agree with her side of things.  W has sometimes come home from T, and used something T said against me. 

[JaneStorm]

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

This was exactly what BPDh did. Exactly.

Yeah, I see things the same way.  I think W often uses T for validation and for someone to agree with her side of things.  W has sometimes come home from T, and used something T said against me. 

Yep. "My T said you have a problem with boundaries!"

Really? Or... .did she say that about you and it sticks to me like glue? 

[flourdust]

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

This was exactly what BPDh did. Exactly.

Yeah, I see things the same way.  I think W often uses T for validation and for someone to agree with her side of things.  W has sometimes come home from T, and used something T said against me.  

I had the craziest experience with my wife's T recently. The wife came home with a piece of paper. She said that since I never listened to her, her T had written down my wife's rules I could follow when she dysregulates. My wife likes to tell me that she blows up and is verbally abusive because I don't follow an ever-changing, ever-growing set of rules. (Examples: "Say 'you're going to be fine' instead of 'you're ok'." "Ask questions about what I'm experiencing."

I found it really bizarre that a therapist working with a patient with BPD would help her client pass the responsibility for her dysregulations on to someone else. Isn't this like BPD 101?

I ended up showing the list to my T, who also thought it was weird and said that the list basically required that I act as my wife's surrogate T.

[maxsterling]

":)edicated" is another thing entirely. I don't see her taking much ownership of the problems caused by her BPD. She may be using her therapy for support while still seeing me as the cause of all her behaviors and feelings. I'm not seeing improvement.

This was exactly what BPDh did. Exactly.

Yeah, I see things the same way.  I think W often uses T for validation and for someone to agree with her side of things.  W has sometimes come home from T, and used something T said against me.  

I had the craziest experience with my wife's T recently. The wife came home with a piece of paper. She said that since I never listened to her, her T had written down my wife's rules I could follow when she dysregulates. My wife likes to tell me that she blows up and is verbally abusive because I don't follow an ever-changing, ever-growing set of rules. (Examples: "Say 'you're going to be fine' instead of 'you're ok'." "Ask questions about what I'm experiencing."

I found it really bizarre that a therapist working with a patient with BPD would help her client pass the responsibility for her dysregulations on to someone else. Isn't this like BPD 101?

I ended up showing the list to my T, who also thought it was weird and said that the list basically required that I act as my wife's surrogate T.

Yup.  Same here.  No "list" though.  Instead, my wife sometimes tells me the things the T says I should be doing in order to help her through the dysregulations.  I've concluded that either W is taking these things out of context, or T doesn't know how bad it is.  So if W tells T that I walk away from her when she is upset, T may agree and think I am being controlling.  W then tells me I am making things worse by not being "present" when she is upset.  The reality here is that everyone my wife has ever had any kind relationship eventually resorts to the same behavior of leaving arguments.  It's not about control of her, it's about boundaries.  If the T doesn't understand how bad things are, then T may give incorrect advice.

[teapay]

My W had CBT for a number of years and is on a plethora of meds (welbutrin, celexa, Trazodone, hydroxyzine---all at the same time for years too).  She's been in AA for almost two years and DBT for about six months.  Oh yeah, tons on church and bible studies over more than a decade too.  She's said it has all helped her.  I can't really see much significant change or improvement and at most its been alot of morphing and moving onto new issues, crisises or illnesses.  Attempts at MC have always been a bust and I can't say any of the other therapy has helped the marriage or the family.  Her contribution to the family has tanked in the teeth of it. It's hard for me to believe more of it will finally lead the miracle cure that just hasn't happen yet.

[JaneStorm]

Has anyone had their BPD try Schema Therapy? I think I would benefit if I went!

[teapay]

I heard it suggested to my W by a T.  It sounds like it could be effective, possibly with DBT for her.  Like DBT, though, I think it requires a T with some pretty advanced skills and experience with BPD.  Like brain surgeons, those kind of T are rare and a BPD can easily make mincemeat out of the average T.  I also wonder how well all these therapies work in the context of the complexities, intricacies and stresses of marriage and families where triggers are nearly constant.  It seems like and up hill battle for the BPD and those BPD who are successful don't have that baggage to haul.  Also, since the BPD who entered the relationship and created the family was an illusion, is the person who would emerge from the therapy going to be any more compatible with the context?  If they do finally  find their self, like typically happens during childhood, they maybe have chosen a different road.

Why do you think schema therapy would by good for you?

[JaneStorm]

I am just learning about it. I took the 'test' offered on these boards and see where I need to heal. It was pretty dead on. I know I brought unconscious behaviors and thoughts to the relationship. Not extreme-o level, but not like a stable adult should. I want to get better. If he does, great. If not, I need to grow anyway.