She has my friend

[Mistomaple]

I detached from my BPDex after the Rollercoaster ride from hell. Finally moved away from the toxic environment, got back in touch with myself and cut contact. Now I've just found out that she's latched onto one of my friends and I do not want him to go through what I went through. What can I do?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Misto-

Depends what the goal is.  Interesting how you captioned the thread "She has my friend!", like he's a captive or something, which may have been how you felt in the relationship with her.  And of course he has her too, if they're in a relationship.

It sounds like you don't want an ongoing relationship with her, but do you with him?  If he's a friend and you value the relationship with him then you can contact him, but also think back to what your ex said about her exes when you two got together; a borderline playing victim and slamming all their exes is common, so who knows what she's said about you to him, and if they're in the idealization phase of the relationship he probably won't be open to your warnings.  So what's the goal?

[cloudten]

eek... .that's tough.

I don't have solid advice here... .but I supposed it depends on your friendship with your friend.

Would s/he believe you? Would s/he listen to you?  Would you have listened? haha... .i wouldn't have.

It might be worth sitting down over dinner and saying... ."look... .here is what I went through with pwBPD. I care about you. I am concerned that what happened to me will happen to you. I support you in whatever you decide... .and please know that I am here for you. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't explain what I went through and how she hurt me."

I think that's all you can really do. I would come at it from a place of concern and support. Put it out there... .but go into it with ZERO expectations.

[blackbirdsong]

eek... .that's tough.

I don't have solid advice here... .but I supposed it depends on your friendship with your friend.

Would s/he believe you? Would s/he listen to you?  Would you have listened? haha... .i wouldn't have.

It might be worth sitting down over dinner and saying... ."look... .here is what I went through with pwBPD. I care about you. I am concerned that what happened to me will happen to you. I support you in whatever you decide... .and please know that I am here for you. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't explain what I went through and how she hurt me."

I think that's all you can really do. I would come at it from a place of concern and support. Put it out there... .but go into it with ZERO expectations.

Agree.  

He needs to form his own opinion about her and based on that decide what is good for him. We again imagine that we need to save someone.

You see what is wrong in our thinking? Just because we didn't see BPD signals, it doesn't mean that someone else won't. We think that it is impossible to detect BPD person just because we don't have that inner mechanism. But, hopefully, we can establish it.

[Mistomaple]

Thanks for the replies. My goal was simple. I've been there and don't want to see a friend hurt in the same way. I have no desire to intervene in his decisions. I didn't go to him directly because I felt like I'd just be branded the "Jealous Ex". So I explained what I went through and the "script" to his older brother who I'm also friends with. I let him take it from there.

[blackbirdsong]

Thanks for the replies. My goal was simple. I've been there and don't want to see a friend hurt in the same way. I have no desire to intervene in his decisions. I didn't go to him directly because I felt like I'd just be branded the "Jealous Ex". So I explained what I went through and the "script" to his older brother who I'm also friends with. I let him take it from there.

To be honest, you would be angry with you if you did that to me. maybe not even angry, but I wouldn't even consider your input.

If you approach me directly and you explain all these things about your relationship with her, I can respect that - whether I agree or not. But talking to someone else and then expecting that someone else tells my that - this is something that friends don't do... .At least not the persons I consider my friends.

[F50Lurker]

Something similar happened to me this past year. Long story short, neither of them will listen to you.  They will do what they want to do and you may end up losing both friends in the deal.  I would recommend you have a long talk with your friend, but after that, get out of the conversation and do not stir that pot. It will drive you insane, believe me.

[Cane787]

I wouldn't say a word. You will only look bitter. I think if it were your brother/sister, that would be the only time to speak up.

Does anyone know why the majority of people with BPD do this with people in our lives? And I assume with the others in their lives as well. Why do they latch on to our relationships? Is it just a breathing body will do that we innocently introduced them to? or is it the famous revenge tactics to teach us what we lost while the person they stole tell us how wonderful they are (while we know better within)?

I know each individual is different but this problem always seems to rear it's jealous ugly head with any and all who deal with these personality disordered relationships.

All I know is I don't want anyone in my life that has her in it. The ones that matter wouldn't speak to her. Things like this remind me how sad, pathetic this disorder is and to feel grateful that I actually enjoy being alone, I have my own original personality, I don't see loved ones in black or white, and I am brutally honest.

[enlighten me]

Does anyone know why the majority of people with BPD do this with people in our lives? And I assume with the others in their lives as well. Why do they latch on to our relationships? Is it just a breathing body will do that we innocently introduced them to? or is it the famous revenge tactics to teach us what we lost while the person they stole tell us how wonderful they are (while we know better within)?

I think its convenience. They don't have to look too far as they already know them. Maybe they thought there was already a connection or maybe they had already established one.

[thisworld]

You did everything in your reasonable power to save your friend. You didn't want to appear like a crazy ex interfering with their stuff directly, this is very understandable. You spoke to the guy's brother, so you chose someone probably trustworthy and someone who would care about his brother's welfare. I think this is a good choice, too. Balancing all the needs involved here, you did your best at that particular time. Nobody knows exactly what would come out of other scenarios - like, maybe if you talked to your friend directly, his man feeling would be shame because he is dating your ex girlfriend, or there would be an ego thing, who knows. You passed the message across, I think you can comfortably try to let go. More involvement may trigger the BPD person, too. In my situation, I'd rather have to think about how to fortify myself and keep the focus on myself, especially if their relationship lasted longer than ours.

Listening (to advice, to words that may be red flags etc) is an ability. It's up to people to listen, and if they are actually listening, BPD  (or at least the incoherences in a person's makeup) speaks for itself almost right from the start. At least, this is how it was in my case. I ignored the small red flags, didn't proceed with caution. And even a male friend warned me about this ex, but I thought he was being possessive and didn't listen - he was but I could also listen and proceed with caution:) It's really up to them know. You have yourself to heal.   

[cloudten]

one more thought-

you may want to hope for the best in this situation but expect the worst- losing your friend.

If this were me and my dBPDxbf, he would paint me so black that my friend wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.

I am just saying- you might want to expect this outcome. I've seen it happen to others here, and I would expect it from my own ex.