can we do this in the morning?

[twitchy]

We just laid down, why now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I am assuming that you mean your SO wanted to discuss something when you were tired, and needed to sleep.  My wife does this, too.  Long day, exhausted, I need sleep badly, and as soon as my eyes close she wants to discuss something of great importance  .  I try to validate (tough to do when exhausted and frustrated) and say that we can discuss in the morning, and that nothing will be solved at 11PM.  She then elevates her voice, starts with the sarcasm and the swearing and name calling, then I get up to sleep in other room.  My health/sleep is more important than whatever the issue is.  Upon leaving the room, attempts at physical violence follow, including grabbing me, blocking my path, slamming doors, and breaking things.   

I'm pretty sure we have discussed in MC before about not discussing things before bed, and calling timeouts.  Doesn't matter.  I do need a boundary here - because preventing someone from sleeping is abuse, and can have serious health consequences.  Perhaps if I learned to validate her better, I could prevent this.  The problem is as I see it, she wants to discuss something as long as the emotion exists - she wants a fight.  Diffusing the bomb is a lengthy process that still prevents sleep.  The thing that has helped is medication.  If I get her to take Benadryl, it helps her fall asleep.  The antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications help, too.  Also, I we got a 2nd TV and put the old one in the bedroom.  Best $550 I have ever spent.  She will turn on the TV when her head is racing rather than wake me up to argue.

[formflier]

  My MIL can't sleep unless the TV is on and blaring.    I wonder if it helps her calm.  Many of the women on my wife's side are "BPDish"          

FF

[HopefulDad]

This is one of those boundaries you need to have a solid plan in place to properly enforce or else it will get trampled repeatedly.  I suggest (in successive order if each step fails):

1. Validate, but gently indicate your brain cannot function to properly address the topic

2. Inform her you are leaving the room, go sleep on the couch/guest room

3. Inform her you are leaving the house, then after some time to let her calm down go back to the house and go sleep on the couch/guest room

4. Inform her you are going to sleep at a friend's house/motel (have a bag packed at the ready)

If at any time she tries to block you from leaving the house, threaten to call the police as she is denying you that right

[twitchy]

Sorry for taking so long to get back to y'all. 

Yes, Max, I wanted to sleep but she didn't.  I have set up boundaries and I will get up, get dressed, and prepare to leave if it continues.  She will calm down sooner when I stand up to her.  Sometimes, we can settle it and it's over but sometimes it will stop for the night, we go to sleep and continue in the morning.

Formflier, we haven't discovered what will help her sleep, we should try sleeping pills, I don't know, but I am ready to try it.

Thanks for the boundary plan Hopeful, we have come a long way in calming down the dysregulation.  She seems to try harder and I do give her credit for that. 

Thanks again for your input.

I've become less twitchy.

[formflier]

 I would go get a sleep study done on her.  Make it about her sleep (not BPD or other issues).    That way it is someone else that is the "authority" talking to her about sleep hygiene.  And, you never know what else might be uncovered.  I've been through several studies, use a CPAP now as well as these splints I have to put on my arms and wrists.  I look ridiculous going to sleep.  But, I get really good quality sleep, which affects my outlook on life and my ability to make emotionally healthy decisions.  My sleep issues were a part of our bad dynamic.  Solving them has helped.       

FF

[bruceli]

We just laid down, why now?

Because they know they have you trapped.  My greatest fear now is the car on a long trip.