Working On A Relationship Long-Distance

[MapleBob]

Does anyone here have experience with long distance relationships involving undiagnosed or diagnosed BPD? Particularly in regards to how long distance affects that dynamic in terms of working on restoring an on-the-rocks relationship?

I'm trying to improve a relationship with my ex of ten months who is asking for a lot of time and space (it's complicated: she's going through a long-delayed divorce after years of separation), but doesn't seem entirely ready to give up on having some kind of a relationship with me. We're in limbo right now, sort of trying to decide if we can get to where we can be friends, or if we should say goodbye, or if there is the potential for a reconciliation some day. This has been a huge challenge for me, given that we're already long-distance (ie. the relationship already existed under the terms of there being a high degree of time/space). She has set a boundary of talking once a month, and there is occasional texting in between, usually about scheduling a time to talk, or if anything big/serious happens in our lives. That's not a lot, and it's precious little time to be putting any effort toward improving a relationship. She's tending to other priorities in her life right now, and I have things to be working on too, but I'm mainly the one engaging/putting forth effort, or showing that I'm willing to do that. But I'm also trying to maintain the distance, validate her, and not get too caught up in thinking about a future with her that might never come. Which in some ways puts me at cross-purposes with myself, and also with her.

So yeah, similar experiences? Thoughts? (More background in my other threads in this forum... .)

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[livednlearned]

I've had one LD relationship, and two long-distance romantic situations, if you can call them that.

Most of my partners up until the current one have been with people who struggled with intimacy in one way or another, and looking back, I can see that I was struggling with intimacy too, in my own way.

The most recent one happened about four years ago, a year after leaving my husband and a few months after the divorce was final. It was with a man I had dated before getting married, so it was a weird rebound rebound situation.

One thing crossed my mind reading your other threads is about boundaries in phone calls when you know there are tough topics. Like her talking about her ex-husband. You want to support her, and have some skill seeing things therapeutically. At the same time, talking to her about her ex is pretty weird 

With my LDR partner, the tables were turned. My custody situation was through the roof, and my ex husband was in the throes of some severe behavior. I was in a constant state of intensity. Like you, he wanted to be supportive. Like you, he didn't want to hear about it. Like your ex, I was pretty consumed with the situation going down with my ex husband because my child was priority #1.

What about your LDR are you trying to puzzle together?

[MapleBob]

One thing crossed my mind reading your other threads is about boundaries in phone calls when you know there are tough topics. Like her talking about her ex-husband. You want to support her, and have some skill seeing things therapeutically. At the same time, talking to her about her ex is pretty weird  

With my LDR partner, the tables were turned. My custody situation was through the roof, and my ex husband was in the throes of some severe behavior. I was in a constant state of intensity. Like you, he wanted to be supportive. Like you, he didn't want to hear about it. Like your ex, I was pretty consumed with the situation going down with my ex husband because my child was priority #1.

That sounds very similar to my situation! Can you tell me what he could have done better for you under those circumstances?

And yeah, talking to her about her ex-husband IS pretty weird, but I *do* want to be supportive, especially since I kind of urged her to do this work. That whole situation is pretty weird, honestly. I don't think I mentioned this in my other thread (more pressing details needing to be given!), but they have family dinner together, like, every night (unless one of them has other, specific plans). That's not normal, and that's not even really "separated", so that was kind of my critique. "You two are still pretty together, what's that about? You do get that that's a problem, right?"

What about your LDR are you trying to puzzle together?

Skip in my other thread advised me to break down my situation and get some further feedback about the difficult contributing factors that I'm working with. So that's what I'm a-doin'. I guess I'm trying to puzzle together ways to go about mitigating the fact that we can't just, say, go out for coffee once a week or whatever. I feel like an in-person meeting (eventually) would be really helpful, but it takes a pretty big effort for us to see each other because of the distance, so that's hardly casual. And part of my strategy is being as casual as possible, so as to not spook her or get in the way of her doing the things that she needs to do right now.

Also, say communication opens up between us more: any experience on this board about working through hard times in long distance relationships? I feel like the distance really adds a level of inherent detachment that is hard to work with.

[livednlearned]

And part of my strategy is being as casual as possible, so as to not spook her or get in the way of her doing the things that she needs to do right now.

This strategy is important because ____________.

I am taking care of my needs by ______________.

You absolutely need a strategy that makes sure MapleBob doesn't fall off the radar here. It's going to be some very high precision values/boundary work ahead, otherwise you may resort to resentment to try and manage your disappointment, and that's not fair to her or good for you.

You need to be very clear about what you're working with and manage your expectations with eyes wide open. I think your needs/wants/expectations are proportionate to how you feel, and perhaps disproportionate to what is actually available. So what can you do to protect those feelings in a way that lets you remain supportive?

Also, say communication opens up between us more: any experience on this board about working through hard times in long distance relationships? I feel like the distance really adds a level of inherent detachment that is hard to work with.

The ex-husband talk has to be a gut-wrencher. Could you be actually encouraging this talk without being aware that's what you're doing?

When I am being supportive of someone I love who is talking about something I do not want to discuss, I listen. That's it. I might ask a validating question. I have to really sit with myself and be mindful when that person is entering uncomfortable territory, like a topic they continue to vent about without doing anything to fix it. I have to pay attention to what's going on with me when I notice them starting to feel distress, like if I change things up and stop participating in a conversation we continue to hash and rehash. I have to trust that their feelings, even if they're uncomfortable, are an important part of their process.

There are a lot of things you know, and a lot you don't know about your ex's situation -- as someone who hasn't been married, hasn't had a child, hasn't been divorced, there are going to be many aspects of her struggle that you cannot knowingly comment on. It's ok to say, "I haven't dealt with anything like that, I'm really not in my wheelhouse here."

[MapleBob]

And part of my strategy is being as casual as possible, so as to not spook her or get in the way of her doing the things that she needs to do right now.

This strategy is important because ____________.

I am taking care of my needs by ______________.

This strategy is important because: she is going to do the things that she needs to do regardless of what I do, and I wouldn't have her NOT do them. For me to stay "on the radar", things need to be easier, clearer, simpler, for now.

I am taking care of my needs by: I feel like all I can do is reiterate them, and mitigate for myself that my needs with her are NOT going to be met right now. I can't be passive about them, but I also can't put too much weight on those broken limbs of hers right now.

You absolutely need a strategy that makes sure MapleBob doesn't fall off the radar here. It's going to be some very high precision values/boundary work ahead, otherwise you may resort to resentment to try and manage your disappointment, and that's not fair to her or good for you.

You need to be very clear about what you're working with and manage your expectations with eyes wide open. I think your needs/wants/expectations are proportionate to how you feel, and perhaps disproportionate to what is actually available. So what can you do to protect those feelings in a way that lets you remain supportive?

Detachment to a greater extent, steering conversations towards productive and/or neutral topics, being prepared to validate her emotions but not let her flood on them when we're talking... .probably?

The ex-husband talk has to be a gut-wrencher. Could you be actually encouraging this talk without being aware that's what you're doing?

That talk was strange, because I was really immersed and really supportive and it felt *really* nice to hear her open up and give me some information about what's going on, and I could really really empathize with a lot of it. Sure, he's an ex-husband and there is a child involved, but he's an ex, and I've had my share of ex complications and drama. It was afterwards that I was, like, "Huh. We were supposed to have a nice, catching-up, laughing, affirming conversation, and I wound up supporting her about her ex-husband problems! That's kind of messed-up; I doubt she would have done the same for me if I was having a hard time with something in my life, much less a topic so fraught for her." I feel like I'd be okay with supporting her about backing away from that relationship if she was making some effort to balance that from her side. I was thinking today "Jeez, I'd at least send a text to thank someone who supported me in such a hardcore, selfless fashion, if not take them to lunch or something!"

[livednlearned]

I am taking care of my needs by: I feel like all I can do is reiterate them, and mitigate for myself that my needs with her are NOT going to be met right now. I can't be passive about them, but I also can't put too much weight on those broken limbs of hers right now.

Long distance relationships are marked by high levels of yearning. I learned during the course of my LDR that I have a high threshold for yearning. This means that I can tolerate wanting something and not getting it in high doses. For his part, I think he sought intense emotional experiences that came with very low risk, which a LDR supplies. Looking back, I sought that too, especially coming off a very difficult marriage and divorce. Not to mention that yearning for intimacy and love is something that goes back to my family of origin and a theme that runs through most of my relationships, even ones that were physically present.

It is really precise work to meet your own needs when you are feeling almost sick from wanting someone that isn't available. Part of that is paying careful attention to your needs meter. Things are going to slide back and forth and feel confusing, especially when you're hearing one thing (she loves you) and experiencing something very different (she can't be with you).

I remember reading in one of Brene Brown's books or articles about "vulnerability hangovers." This happens when we over share something, and then for reasons we don't always understand, feel depleted. Both sides can feel that way. It's almost like the intensity of emotion and sharing is out of proportion to the intimacy. In F2F relationships, there are constant opportunities to revisit, repair, and recover when intimacy is messy. In LDR, that stuff isn't there. Or it has to be scheduled, which puts an additional layer of pressure on the relationship.

[MapleBob]

That's all very relevant to my situation, livednlearned. I think a couple of months ago my ex had the realization that she had fallen out of idealizing the situation and into a place of constantly longing. When it became clear that moving forward into a F2F relationship wasn't going to be a simple or fast process, she first got clingy, then started to blame me for the situation. I was as desperate to make it work as she was, but I was definitely the one with the higher threshold of patience, so I guess she decided to take that as "he's not as into this as I am". Really, it was just that I had so much more to lose (being the one who was going to take the risk of leaving my life, country, friends, security, etc).

We also went out of our way to avoid conflict, because it was too hard to feel resolution about anything from so far away, but we also didn't want to spoil our rare time together when we would have a visit and then go back to being apart. So that was a major LDR problem too.

[MapleBob]

So does anyone have any advice about repairing a long-distance relationship? In my case, it would take willingness on her part that isn't there at the moment, at least partially because she knows that she'd be signing up for more temporary-LDR, and that was a problem in the first place.