Break up is tougher than I thought

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This page came up while I was trying to find comfort by reading. I am not ever sure I am in the right page as I am the one who thinks my ex boyfriend may have BPD but i am afraid i may be right... .We met on the internet and I couldn't believe how happy and lucky I was. I would never expect from my self that I would fall so much in love on the internet. And that was mutual and sometimes seemed even bigger on his side. Things started to get more complicated when the meeting time got closer. We are from different countries but close. We we supposed to meet three months after we started talking but ended up meeting almost five months after because all different kinds of problems started to come up. I knew he was in a really bad financial situation, his mum had cancer and was staying with him, he had a really bad relationship with his father and all these created a lot of stress on him. However It was also very clear to me that he was very insecure about meeting in person. I could see that through different things he did and we were also able to discuss it after a lot of turbulance. He said that he was scared that all of this would fall apart after meeting in real life and this is why he behaved how he did. I was also afraid of that but I tried to handle it so that I wouldn't damage it before it even started. I should mention that his ex girlfriend of two years who he also met on the internet and was very much in love with had cheated on him and left him heart broken. That was three years ago but I would excuse some of his behavios with that. He would for example get really stressed over the fact that we met on the internet or by the fact thet he didn't know much about my previous love life etc and would engage into extreme behavios like dissapearing for a few days or by beeing really pessimistic about the future of this relationship because of the distance, the small height difference we had (I am 5 cms taller!) etc etc, although in good times these were to him very easy "problems" to overcome.

I need to cut the long story short. We met two times and both times didn't go as we expected but never the less both of us left even more in love and hopeful for the better things to come. Both times however, he broke up with me about a week or two after. His reasoning (after I chased him because he wouldn't even explain) was his financial problems-he said he couldn't offer me anything although I asked for nothing, that he was afraid to invest and get hurt again, the height difference which was not a problem for me but he was sure I would dump him for that when the honeymoon face was over and so many other things that didn't make sense considering the amount of love he said he had for me. At good times he would behave like a child and over express his emotions telling me how I came into his life and changed everything, and made him happy and that we would always be together and so on. Anyway after the third break up he came back saying how he wouldn't let this relationship end because of secondary reasons and that he would travel this time as soon as he could afford it. We were in a beautiful face where he promised the world to me and created so many expectations without me askung for anything like that. He seemed so confident about everythig, but again only until the time we would meet came closer again. This time the problem was his financial condition, which is a true situation and I respect it. And this is why I offered to go again although I had made it clear after his third come back that I would expect him to come. But that didn't work either and he dissappeared again after a fight. A week later he sent a message saying how sorry he is for handling it this way but he didn't have the heart to let me down again. He asked me to forget about him because he has nothing to offer me at this time  but pain and said that he is at a state where he has nothing to offer himself either. And left like that.

I just don't understant this roller coaster... .one day he is the happiest man and creates the best pictures and expectations to me and then without me underanding how and when he just turns everything upside down. The problem is I never get angry on him because I keep finding excuses for his actions. I know he had some bad childhood years and together with his current difficult situation I feel like I was constantly trying to keep him to here and now so that he would not destroy everything. I know however that in this process I have lost my self. I would never accept someone to be so harsh on me by dissappearing, not returning my calls and messages when a week before he seemed like the happiest man on earth. I have accepted behaviors that I wouldn't normally accept and i have put my own needs, wants and insecurities aside. And i think this is because I never doubted what he felt about me and I still don't. I just know his problems are deeper and much bigger than he or I understand and I was constantly trying to help. Reading about BPD I can definetely see that he meets most of the criteria... .But this is just my opinion. All I know is that I am once again left totally heart broken and dissapointed by him... .  but something tells me he will be back... .maybe even to just explain his behavior... .  and I really don't know how I will be able handle it... .

[Penelope35]

This page came up while I was trying to find comfort by reading. I am not ever sure I am in the right page as I am the one who thinks my ex boyfriend may have BPD but i am afraid i may be right... .We met on the internet and I couldn't believe how happy and lucky I was. I would never expect from my self that I would fall so much in love on the internet. And that was mutual and sometimes seemed even bigger on his side. Things started to get more complicated when the meeting time got closer. We are from different countries but close. We we supposed to meet three months after we started talking but ended up meeting almost five months after because all different kinds of problems started to come up. I knew he was in a really bad financial situation, his mum had cancer and was staying with him, he had a really bad relationship with his father and all these created a lot of stress on him. However It was also very clear to me that he was very insecure about meeting in person. I could see that through different things he did and we were also able to discuss it after a lot of turbulance. He said that he was scared that all of this would fall apart after meeting in real life and this is why he behaved how he did. I was also afraid of that but I tried to handle it so that I wouldn't damage it before it even started. I should mention that his ex girlfriend of two years who he also met on the internet and was very much in love with had cheated on him and left him heart broken. That was three years ago but I would excuse some of his behavios with that. He would for example get really stressed over the fact that we met on the internet or by the fact thet he didn't know much about my previous love life etc and would engage into extreme behavios like dissapearing for a few days or by beeing really pessimistic about the future of this relationship because of the distance, the small height difference we had (I am 5 cms taller!) etc etc, although in good times these were to him very easy "problems" to overcome.

I need to cut the long story short. We met two times and both times didn't go as we expected but never the less both of us left even more in love and hopeful for the better things to come. Both times however, he broke up with me about a week or two after. His reasoning (after I chased him because he wouldn't even explain) was his financial problems-he said he couldn't offer me anything although I asked for nothing, that he was afraid to invest and get hurt again, the height difference which was not a problem for me but he was sure I would dump him for that when the honeymoon face was over and so many other things that didn't make sense considering the amount of love he said he had for me. At good times he would behave like a child and over express his emotions telling me how I came into his life and changed everything, and made him happy and that we would always be together and so on. Anyway after the third break up he came back saying how he wouldn't let this relationship end because of secondary reasons and that he would travel this time as soon as he could afford it. We were in a beautiful face where he promised the world to me and created so many expectations without me askung for anything like that. He seemed so confident about everythig, but again only until the time we would meet came closer again. This time the problem was his financial condition, which is a true situation and I respect it. And this is why I offered to go again although I had made it clear after his third come back that I would expect him to come. But that didn't work either and he dissappeared again after a fight. A week later he sent a message saying how sorry he is for handling it this way but he didn't have the heart to let me down again. He asked me to forget about him because he has nothing to offer me at this time  but pain and said that he is at a state where he has nothing to offer himself either. And left like that.

I just don't understant this roller coaster... .one day he is the happiest man and creates the best pictures and expectations to me and then without me underanding how and when he just turns everything upside down. The problem is I never get angry on him because I keep finding excuses for his actions. I know he had some bad childhood years and together with his current difficult situation I feel like I was constantly trying to keep him to here and now so that he would not destroy everything. I know however that in this process I have lost my self. I would never accept someone to be so harsh on me by dissappearing, not returning my calls and messages when a week before he seemed like the happiest man on earth. I have accepted behaviors that I wouldn't normally accept and i have put my own needs, wants and insecurities aside. And i think this is because I never doubted what he felt about me and I still don't. I just know his problems are deeper and much bigger than he or I understand and I was constantly trying to help. Reading about BPD I can definetely see that he meets most of the criteria... .But this is just my opinion. All I know is that I am once again left totally heart broken and dissapointed by him... .  but something tells me he will be back... .maybe even to just explain his behavior... .  and I really don't know how I will be able handle it... .

[juniorswailing]

Hello

we are all here for pretty much the same reason. that we thought there was something odd about our SO's behaviour and did some research.

Read as much as you can on here about the traits of someone with BPD, it was like a light being switched on in my life, and maybe you will get a better understanding of him, if that is what he has.

For me it helped me to cope with what was going on and for a short time I thought maybe I could salvage the relationship but ultimately I didn't want to.

Everyone has different expectations and different levels of what hey are willing to put up with so I guess you have to read and read and come to your own conclusion.

[Penelope35]

Thank you for your reply. Another similarity I see between my self and others in relationships with people with BPD is how difficult it is to let go... .Probably because they bring out our tendency to help but also because the good phases seem like paradise...

I am sorry for the long message... I couldn't make it any shorter

[juniorswailing]

Don't worry, I could have written pages about mine and it only lasted 4 months.

I was emotionally drained and starting to look and feel ill with it all.

I guess it's because they throw so much at you and it's one extreme or the other. To start it was amazing and at the end it was horrific.

I feel nothing but sorrow for her as, if she is to be believed (and that's another trait) then she has been through a lot.

Thing that did it for me was that although I knew her when we were both late teens/early 20's I'd had no contact in between so it wasn't as if I'd grown up with the issues. I then had to decide if I wanted to spend the rest of my days with a sick feeling in my gut or give up and let her go on her own way.

I did the latter and within 2 days she was off on holiday abroad with someone else, the previous partner before me.

Assuming you are sane   then you look at things logically. They don't.

[Penelope35]

It's tough but hopefully I will feel better over time... .Thank you

[juniorswailing]

It is tough but it does get better.

When you feel down and sad, think how he let you down and how if made you feel.


Sorry to be a portent of doom!

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the land of the BPD discards Penelope,

It is extremely difficult to deal with this, I know.  The behavior leaves you feeling lost and confused.  You start to question everything, including yourself.   My relationship wiped me out and I lost/suppressed parts of myself as well.  It did start to physically impact me too.

Are you still in a relationship with this guy or have you decided that you have had enough?

[Penelope35]

This is what I am trying to do juniorswailing cause that's the truth. It's funny how he said so many times that he was afraid I would abandon him and he would break in pieces but I am now the one who is expected to pick up my pieces. Oh well... .

[Penelope35]

I loughed at your introduction as BPD discards C. Stein  I am not sure he has BPD but I am sure he has traits of it.

He actually broke up with me.  For the third time.  and I am trying to convince my self that I shouldn't go back in case he comes back.

[C.Stein]

I loughed at your introduction as BPD discards C. Stein  I am not sure he has BPD but I am sure he has traits of it.

It's good to laugh.     I haven't done much laughing the past 4 months.

He actually broke up with me.  For the third time.  and I am trying to convince my self that I shouldn't go back in case he comes back.

You will have the draw the line somewhere.  If this is tearing you up inside then maybe it is time to draw that line?

[Penelope35]

I know I am much closer at drawing the line this time but I am not totally there yet. The more time he takes to come back (if he does), the better for me. The worst part is that a part of me is waiting for him to come back! That's so bad. I was never like that!

[C.Stein]

I know I am much closer at drawing the line this time but I am not totally there yet. The more time he takes to come back (if he does), the better for me. The worst part is that a part of me is waiting for him to come back! That's so bad. I was never like that!

I believe you will find that many people on this board have been in the same spot at least once if not many times over.  It is exceptionally hard to detach yourself from someone you love, especially when there is this push/pull type behavior.  You might want to read up on trauma bonding, it might shed some light on how you are feeling.

[juniorswailing]

It's been three weeks for me and this is the first day, so far, that I've not checked to see if I'm still blocked on FB, Whatsapp etc

[Penelope35]

I believe you will find that many people on this board have been in the same spot at least once if not many times over.  It is exceptionally hard to detach yourself from someone you love, especially when there is this push/pull type behavior.  You might want to read up on trauma bonding, it might shed some light on how you are feeling.

Thanks for this I will read about trauma bonding

[Penelope35]

It's been three weeks for me and this is the first day, so far, that I've not checked to see if I'm still blocked on FB, Whatsapp etc

I hope you still haven't checked!

[juniorswailing]

No, I haven't 

[Penelope35]

Good job! I haven't been able to do this yet

[juniorswailing]

There is no doubt that it is difficult. I don't want to get back with her but that doesn't mean to say I don't care about her.

She is on a course that is going t make her forever unhappy and I feel sad about that for her. However, it is no longer my problem.

[Penelope35]

There is no doubt that it is difficult. I don't want to get back with her but that doesn't mean to say I don't care about her.

She is on a course that is going t make her forever unhappy and I feel sad about that for her. However, it is no longer my problem.

I find comfort in the fact that they are in denial and don't feel as sorry about themselves as we feel about them.

[juniorswailing]

That's because we are rational caring people. They aren't, a lot of the time.

Part of me still thinks what the hell just happened to me but I'm not thinking it as much as I was a few weeks ago. It does get easier.