Saving Christian Marriage with DBPD Wife

[Unlikelytarget]

Hello All,

It's been awhile since I have been on here.  Sorry if I forget all the abbreviations.  I'm hoping someone here can give me a little perspective.  I'm trying to save this marriage, not because I necessarily think its the right thing to do and I don't even really want to most of the time, but I feel like I have no other choice.

Backstory summary... .

I entered my marriage about 10 years ago with 2 small kids, she had 1.  We had a baby the first year who is still one of the biggest joys in my life.  Starting with the pregnancy, she threatened to take my baby from me if I didn't to what she wanted.  She made good on it by leaving and filing for divorce a couple times.  She gradually escalated things by calling the police and making false accusations against me.  After 7 years, she had me completely controlled.  I have and MBA and several years executive experience, but she made me stay home so she could pursue her career as a part time substitute teacher. I wasn't allowed to have any friends, hobbies, etc. she forced me to go into counseling and take medication because I was "so messed up".

Finally, she had enough of me and made good on her threats.  She filed for divorce and committed 22 counts of perjury to get a restraining order and have the police forcibly remove me and my children from our home during a snow storm on a night she wasn't even home.  She sent emails to all my church friends and contacts with lies about abuse to ensure that nobody would help us or find us a place to stay.  It worked.

A couple months later, she "came to her senses", dropped her lawsuit, apologized, and wrote retraction letters to everyone.  Nobody believed the retraction.  That was two years ago and my former friends still won't talk to me.  She eventually lost her house because she couldn't afford it without me.

I let her move in.  I was extremely scared that the false accusations would return, so I installed cameras throughout the house and recorded virtually every conversation we had (she was aware of this).  We also met individually and separately with counselors, therapists, church friends and pastors where she told everyone that I never abused her and was not currently abusing her.  She met with people without my presence to insure I was not coercing her to lie.

We met with a pastor 1-2 times a week.  She consistently confessed to her past abuse and lies and her continued abusive behavior.  Finally, she considered she might have a problem and was eventually diagnosed and hospitalized for her BPD.  Things got better for awhile, but then got worse.  Her abusive behavior towards me and the kids got so bad I was very close to kicking her out.  After a year, she just stormed out one day (she took her son) to go stay with a friend and never came back.  When she returned to talk, she said I had been abusing her the entire past year.  I was dumbfounded because I put every safeguard in place to ensure it would be impossible to make such accusations because there was absolutely no evidence.  She said she doesn't need evidence because she knows I abused her and I forced her to lie to the pastor, counselors, and everyone else week after week... .

After she left she started a new life without even discussing it with me.  She applied for and started a full time masters degree program and started a new stressful full-time job.  She said she wanted to work things out, but she is to busy for me or our daughter who lives with me.  She gave me 20-30 minutes per week to spend with her.  She also have me a list of 20 things I had to agree to or change for her to come back.  I did everything, but that didn't matter because she is still recovering from all the hurt I have caused.

She told me that she really doesn't need companionship and if we divorce she will never date or marry again.  She has been content for the past year to have her independence, but not be divorced. 

Our 9th anniversary was this past November. She filed for divorce 2 anniversaries ago.  She left me again the next anniversary, so I was feeling pretty lonely this year and wanted to spend a little time with her in a positive way this year.  I called her, but she was too busy to talk to me because she was with church friends watching a football game.  I later discovered that these church Friends knew that her husband was trying to talk to her and was crying because he wanted to be with his wife on their ninth anniversary.  They told her to ignore me and just enjoy the game on TV.  It turns out she reunited with the friends she told all the abuse lies to and now does a bible study at one of their homes every week.  I'm pretty sure they all hate me because I went to church last fathers day and two of them (one of them a pastors wife) came up to me out of the blue and started yelling at me about what a terrible person I am.

Our anniversary was the last straw.  She invited me over (after the game), but then said she didn't have to be nice to me because we are separated and I don't deserve nice treatment.  I said a bunch of mean things (trying to make it impossible for me to crawl back to her), told her I am filing for divorce, and left.

This is where my serious codependent problems come into play.  I became sick, nauseous, depressed... .I couldn't function.  After she left, I was able to focus and build a very successful business from scratch.  My work starting to fall apart.  I couldn't function at all.  I came crawling back.  She took me back because she realized she can't live without me either and she really wants to REALLY try for the first time... .


So... .she agreed to go to a Christian marriage counselor together... .with a 50% success rate for fixing doomed marriages.

The big question I keep asking myself is, "Is this woman even capable of having a normal relationship?"

EXAMPLE 1:

I have never seen anyone so clueless about how to treat people.  She created a unique text notification chime for me so she knows that the message coming through is not important.  She usually takes 3 hours to respond to a text no matter when I send it.  When I am with her, i see her respond to everyone else in 30 seconds.  It took several hours of discussion spread out over several days before she realized, "This is not a nice way to treat someone"  She actually had to be TOLD this!  I asked my 8 year old and she know it was rude right away!

EXAMPLE 2:

Last year she came to my hose because I needed to talk.  She cornered me in the laundry room and started taking my clothes off.  I told her I didn't mind having sex, but I needed to talk first.  She got angry.  I said it makes me feel like she doesn't care about me and she is just using my body for sex if she can't even talk for 5 minutes. She stormed out and didn't come back for a week.

When she returned, we talked for a few minutes and then she said she wanted sex.  During sex, her phone rang and she took the call, completely ignoring me.  She then played with her phone for about 3 minutes like I wasn't even there.  I started crying and tried to leave but I couldn't because she had me pinned down.  She later apologized and admitted that it wasn't polite.  She still has no idea how hurtful that was.  I told her that she makes me feel that her phone is more important than I am.

A few months later, I invited her to join me and the kids for a celebration meal at a very nice restaurant.  Right when she sat down, she pulled out her phone and started playing games.  I asked her to please be respectful and not play games on her phone during a family celebration meal (my kids all have phones and know better).  She told me she was angry at me for not hearing her out.  The only reason she went on her phone was because she didn't have wi-fi for the past hour and now she can finally play her games.  She stormed out of the restaurant and did not return.

Last week, in our new era of "really trying", we had out first 1 on 1 date night in 3 or four years.  We had to wait to be seated at this fancy restaurant for an hour.  When we finally got seated, I reached for her hand across the table so I could bask in our first quiet time out together in years.  Instead of holding my hand, she reached for her purse and pulled out her iPhone.  She said, "I'm sorry but I just have to been my nemesis" and started playing "toy blast".

Later, she congratulated herself for playing games for less than a minute on our date.

On top of all this, her "demands" for reconciliation include:  I have to be in therapy, but she doesn't; I must attend the church where she convinced everyone I am a wife beater, and I can't even chose the service time; I have to meet weekly with the small group of people who hate me and think it's okay to yell at me in public; I have to allow the people mentioned to discipline me in any way they see fit.

Let's say I want to do the right "Christian" thing here... .Should I let my wife completely strip all my authority as leader of my home?  I would never tell her where or when or how to worship God.  My goal is to create a peaceful home where everyone can worship the way they feel God is leading them.  I would try to find common ground, but never force.  It's one thing that she chooses to remain friends with people who despise me, but to force me to spend time with them for several hours every week?


I know this is a lot to vent... .I am desperate for ideas, suggestions, inspiration... .Please be kind... .I know i have done a bunch of stuff wrong to end up in this place.  I just need to figure how to get out of here and where to go... .

Thanks in advance... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Lucky Jim]

On top of all this, her "demands" for reconciliation include:  I have to be in therapy, but she doesn't; I must attend the church where she convinced everyone I am a wife beater, and I can't even chose the service time; I have to meet weekly with the small group of people who hate me and think it's okay to yell at me in public; I have to allow the people mentioned to discipline me in any way they see fit.

Hey unlikelytarget, Why do you allow your W to dictate your life?  You're an adult.  Presumably it's because you are walking on eggshells and fear her reprisals for non-compliance.  Needless to say, this is an unhealthy dynamic for both of you.  Maybe it's time for you to implement some boundaries?  You can read about them on this site.

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

What would you tell your best friend if they told you exactly what you wrote here? Is the right Christian thing living your life in misery and not being able to find happiness? Think of how your children are being affected by what they see in your relationship.

Has your wife ever been in DBT? If not, do you honestly think she would go considering she says you need therapy and she doesn't? The only way for a BPD relationship to be healthy is with years of therapy, and even then there is no guarantee.

Look after yourself.

[formflier]

  Unlikelytarget, I'm glad you are back.   I want to encourage you to stick around, consistently, for a while.  My prayer for you is that we can get you educated on a r/s with a pwBPD.  That you can learn the "order to the disorder".  Once you understand that order, you can use it to change the dynamics in your relationship.  No permission needed from your wife!  This is something that you can do all by yourself.  I did it and my r/s is dramatically better and I have hope for the future.  How does that sound?  Is that something you want to do?   2nd:  I'm a conservative Christian guy.  Spent several years trying to "deal with" my marriage "inside" the church.  Biblical counseling, meetings with pastors and all that.  Many in the Christian community, just like many in the secular community, are not equipped to counsel those with traits of a PD (personality disorder).  They are well meaning but in many cases make the situation worse (feed the monster, and it grows bigger)  If you are interested in discussing the Christian aspects of this, I would be happy to do so.  bpdfamily is a secular board, but religious aspects can be discussed.    Last:  Have you read Boundaries by Cloud?  It's not a book about pwBPD, but it is a good baseline theory book on (you guessed it) Boundaries.  Book is a Christian book.  Looking forward to your reply.        

FF