Attempt at contact/reinitiating?

[FlyFish]

Alright I have been extremely strict NC in every variation of the concept for 3 months. I still love this girl very much but know that entering a relationship again could kill me even more. I still love her and NC has been extremely hard for me. I still fear that I would take her back if she pushed hard.

The day before thanksgiving she left a voicemail which I have still not listened too and yet I still have not deleted it. Today I came home to a bag at the front door with some of my possessions in it. A t-shirt a dress shirt and bag of dog food (I took my dog over to her place). I know it may sound petty but just these incidents have retriggered my pain. I honestly didn't even realize I had left shirts at her place and definitely didn't want them or need them back.

Is this a subtle attempt at her trying to reach me? Don't understand that a simple act like this could hurt me again so much.  :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this a subtle attempt at her trying to reach me? Don't understand that a simple act like this could hurt me again so much.  :'(

The voicemail could have been to tell you she was going to bring your stuff and then she did.  It could be as simple as her acknowledging the end of the relationship and returning your stuff because that's right, as you part ways.  Or it could be an attempt to engage with you, although doesn't seem like it.

The bigger issue is how you responded emotionally, there's room for healing and growth digging there; what do you mean by 'hurt' you again exactly?

[FlyFish]

I get the feeling the voicemail was't regarding the clothes. Although I could be wrong as I haven't listened to it. A simple text stating I left some of your things at your door would have sufficed.

I think it hurt me because deep down I continue to want her and this simple act is telling me that she is thinking of me. I very well may be looking into it too much but then again from what I have read on these boards it is in very subtle ways that they draw you back in. Who returns dog food after 3 months?

[fromheeltoheal]

I think it hurt me because deep down I continue to want her and this simple act is telling me that she is thinking of me. I very well may be looking into it too much but then again from what I have read on these boards it is in very subtle ways that they draw you back in. Who returns dog food after 3 months?

She can only "draw you back in" if you let her, and it may be helpful to look at how much power you gave her when you were together.  I don't know your story FF, don't know how it ended, but it's best at a time like this to really connect with what you want in a relationship and whether or not she could ever be all that, and if not, stay the course with your detachment.  This kind of event is a great way to check in with how you're doing, how emotionally connected you still are or aren't, and what you need to do differently, if anything, moving forward.

[FlyFish]

Thanks for the response,

Part of me wants her to draw me back. One thing that I always asked her is "why don't you fight for this relationship"? In this sense I was looking for the actions to back up the words. Which of course never manifested.

Went through 3 recycles and she ended it by a phone call. 2 year long r/s. We used to write letters and some of her last words were: " I maybe making the biggest mistake in my life but you have to let me go".  She also said "it would kill me to see you with other girls". So confusing.

I'm still connected to her and working on this issue through therapy. But I have been strong with NC which testifies to my strength I suppose.

If it makes any difference I thought she was the one for me. We were absolutely great for about 8 months. I cling to this feeling still as most can relate.

[fromheeltoheal]

If it makes any difference I thought she was the one for me. We were absolutely great for about 8 months. I cling to this feeling still as most can relate.

Yes, we were great in the beginning too, and it's very painful when our partners cannot maintain a stable, sustainable relationship, painful for everyone involved.  There's grieving that must be done to detach, including a letting go of the hope that it will ever be like it was in the beginning, and the only way out is through.  Stay here and share FF, more will become clear as you process and grow through it.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks for the response,

Part of me wants her to draw me back. One thing that I always asked her is "why don't you fight for this relationship"? In this sense I was looking for the actions to back up the words. Which of course never manifested.

Went through 3 recycles and she ended it by a phone call. 2 year long r/s. We used to write letters and some of her last words were: " I maybe making the biggest mistake in my life but you have to let me go".  She also said "it would kill me to see you with other girls". So confusing.

I'm still connected to her and working on this issue through therapy. But I have been strong with NC which testifies to my strength I suppose.

If it makes any difference I thought she was the one for me. We were absolutely great for about 8 months. I cling to this feeling still as most can relate.

Your account echoes a lot of how I feel (felt?).  I would've given almost anything (and can't say I wouldn't, today) to feel the warmth of her love again.  I also know that it's like an addict looking for a fix.  Sure, it would be great to get that high for a few more minutes, but was the price of that high worth it in the end?  The answer to that question is: no.

While I am extremely LC with my ex, there is still some personal moments in there when we are in contact.  They are brief, but it's just enough time for her to push/pull me.  In a moment of humanity, I said to her the other day that I did miss the "good ole days" and her reply to me was that "the good old days aren't lost forever".  This comes on the heels of her saying to me that she didn't know why she didn't feel the same about me but that she just didn't.  So, yes, I understand how confusing it is.

Today, I was a little stronger though, a little more angry in that healthy kind of way.  She asked me something about how I felt about our current situation, to which I replied to her that I was doing ok.  That I was waiting for the day for the truth to come out and that maybe when she's in a better place she'll finally face what she's done over the past year to me.  She got furious, of course, but I really (and truly) didn't care at that moment.  I don't have to impress her anymore or walk on eggshells.  If the eggs break, they break.  In the r/s, I gave her power.  Now, she doesn't have that power and I can say how I feel without fear.  In the past year, she's lied to me, cheated on me, and generally emotionally abused me.  I have nothing left to fear from her.  I won't sugar coat it for her anymore and if she chooses to go NC with me, good.  I think that would be best for me anyway.

Keep grinding.