BPD in romantic partner/business partner

[Aga Khan]

I have been in a relationship with a 34 year old married woman for approximately 18 months. She is going through a dysfunctional marriage for the past 3 years, with imminent court proceedings for divorce from her abusive and violent husband. She has one adopted child aged 4. Shd works as a fund manager for an investment bank and is also managing my accounts. The relationship really started on a professional level with her acquiring my investments, then she lost her job under mysterious circumstances. (The Bank would not give me the reasons for her dismissal.) A few months after she surfaced at a new job and bank and asked me to transfer my investments to her new bank. She had been very good at managing my portfolio in the past.

After a few weeks we met socially and she described to me the circumstances of her dismissal, making it appear she was a victim of a jealous colleague. The meeting was tearful and lengthy and she made references to her personal life and marriage difficulties with overt references to the lack of sex and intimacy. Shortly afterwards we started texting on WA. where she proclaimed a deep intimacy with me, never having met with someone who finally could understand and connect with her. Shortly after that she told me she was falling in love with me, and said maybe I was the one person who could make her happy.

The relationship progressed swiftly on Whatsapp, with dinner dates about once a week, or lunch or just a smoke and a coffee. We decided to go away together one weekend to my jungle retreat where we spent one idyllic night together, with a very strange lovemaking that bordered on a porn movie script. She asked to be raped and acted out with indifference. There is nearly a 30 age gap between us, she is a stunning beauty ex model and I am an accomplished and still physically attractive architect also in a loveless marriage pending separation and divorce. We mapped out and did many adventures together all the while she attended my investment accounts. We shared many tender happy moments both on and offline, but she would send me intimate pictures (selfies) in various states of undress modeling sexy underwear, or just 360 selfies of her daily life. We thought there was a real intimacy and bond between us, we even planned our futures together with short term goals.

She told me of her past failed relationships, beginning with her father abandoning the family when she was 12, as her father's favorite. She embarked on a relationship at the age of 16 until 26 that was shattered by her partner's infidelity, where she walked in on the scene with her best friend. There followed a number of "revenge" relationships, mostly sexual, culminating in another marriage that lasted around 1 week before the rot set in, (her claims). She has very strong narcissistic tendencies which I attributed to her modeling career and to the smartphone, she would be taking hundreds of selfies and posting them to me for my "attention".

Throughout our relationship she made numerous provocative sexual comments to me of various needs and sex acts. She wore extremely provocative clothing, very short skirts, tight fitting blouses in her workplace and used this to attract clients and business for her Bank career as an investment manager. She has an extremely high developed sense of her own worth, bordering on fantasy, when in fact she is selling the Bank's products. She managed to achieve the highest sales figures always monthly, but looking back, I can see how she was using the promise of sexual attraction to get attention and the clients investments, which she vehemently denied, claiming there were much better younger and fitter women for that than her. We went through a number of very turbulent arguments, each one gaining in severity, the latest required me to disassociate myself from her managing my investments and we have not contacted each other since.

Having read and re-read this website on BPD, I am fairly certain she has had this condition since her teens, or maybe even before when her father quit. Minor disagreements with her bring on virulent verbal attacks, with extremely hurtful comments on myself or on anyone within range. I understand her job and home circumstances put extreme stress on her, but the constant sexual innuendos, (and frequent masturbation) bizarre emotional extremes, a compulsive shopping disorder, violent domestic abuse (she has been hospitalized several times) suggests to me a very severe personality disorder with many unresolved issues on past and current relationships.

She is very intelligent, probably what is described here as high functioning, where I believe she is consciously managing her disorder to manipulate myself and probably others to achieve her single minded goal. Her recent outbursts to me have been in the extreme and I am very worried that she is spiraling out of control, maybe with suicidal tendencies. Seeking professional help does not appear to be an option. She is in total denial there is anything wrong, the fault is all mine as I have not lived up to her expectations.

Any advice on where to go from here will be greatly appreciated. I cannot bring myself to abandon this wonderful but severely damaged human being that has graced my life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi jonig60

Welcome to the bpdfamily site.   Most of us arrive here with no understanding or even familiarity with the disorder we've suddenly encountered.   It's confusing and upsetting to try to grasp how our most significant relationship abruptly went from perfect and intimate to raging and cold.    I know I was hurt, angry and baffled for a long time.

Everyone who arrives has the Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship pointed out to them as the place to start and the place to refer to often.  They are always in the box that runs down the right hand side of your screen.   

When we have a high conflict person in our lives there are recognized and successful methods for approaching a relationship with that person.   Those methods, the skills and tools focus primarily on us.   Not because, as a pwBPD (person with BPD)  would suggest, the fault is ours, but mostly because it is slightly easier for us to make changes in our communications styles.

I would suggest the place to start is to educate yourself.   Knowledge is power.   Read and post.   Ask questions.   We are happy to have you on board with us.

It sounds like right now you are not in contact, did I understand that correctly?    Are you hoping to change that?  You'll find support for what ever path you choose to follow here, and help in making sense of things.

'ducks

[Aga Khan]

I read and read the endless disorders that are codified... .she seems to display aspects of each in various proportions. I want to contact her again, I think i should be able to navigate around her feelings and issues better now I think I understand her condition. However I feel she is very much in control of her disorder and uses it to her advantage as the need arises. She can push the necessary buttons to achieve her ends, which is basically centered around her job and nothing else... .nothing else matters to her. She has become knowledgeable of her condition, her fear of abandonment she acknowledged... .from her  father's actions when she cried "I hate you... .don't leave me"! Her condition with her current partner is the same which is why she cannot let go, at the moment, as her financial and personal circumstances dictate. With that degree of control of her condition, I need to ask myself what do I want from her and am I getting it. The answer to both questions is... .nothing!

I have crawled out of my vortex, letting go of a toxic relationship is easier that it seems, once I did it, as if a huge weight lifted off my back. Over the past few days I feel no remorse or even pity for her, I'm not her caretaker any longer, but I realize now that I was also the codependant, the caregiver, pursuing her, sacrificing my feelings and needs to attract her attention and get her affection. I put her needs, as I saw them, above mine, thinking she was so desperately in need of them. In the end she was kind of happy with her condition up to a point, nothing I could do now that she can accept. I just hope that my actions now don't push her completely over the edge. I guess maybe not. In her job she has many like me, attending her ways. I'm so grateful and understanding now of the aircraft safety procedures when the hostess tells you to put on the oxygen mask first before you attempt to help others. I found my oxygen a little late.

[babyducks]

Hi Aga,

BPD can be comorbid with other disorders.   This is from an article on this site

Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Complicating Factors  When we encounter high conflict or destructive relationship behaviors it is important for us to know that the problems can be caused by a broad range of things that look a lot a like:

immaturity,

short term mental illness (e.g., depression),

substance induced illness (e.g., alcoholism),

a mood disorder (e.g., bipolar),

an anxiety disorder (e.g., PTSD),

a personality disorder (e.g., BPD, NPD, 8 others),

a neurodevelopmental disorder (e.g., ADHD, Aspergers), or

any combination of the above (i.e., co-morbidity).

How often is "any combination of the above?"   In an NIH study of 34,653 people*, of those that had clinical BPD,

74% had another personalty disorder,

75% also had a mood disorder, and

74% also had an anxiety disorder



Knowing everything you know now, what do you think is your best next step?

'ducks

[Aga Khan]

My next step will be to correct my own emotions, get out of this co-dependency, which I feel I have done to a certain extent, a little more to go!. I hate to state the obvious, my attraction to her was somehow focused on "fixing" her, she was like a bird with a broken wing. Now that silly idea has evaporated, I can see how she manipulated me to satisfy her emotional condition. Understanding what has happened is still ongoing, I am trying to put all the pieces together, even relating her past relationships. I know some of her friends and colleagues (and lovers) on the receiving end of her BPD and other conditions. I discovered quite late in our relationship she was in therapy under a psychiatrist, maybe incorrectly diagnosing her condition? It seemed to confuse her even further. I have asked her boss to be gentle with her and given him some details about her condition, or how I see it, and asked him to give her some time off, seek professional help, take the pressure off her performing to achieve targets for the Bank, maybe give her other duties to perform by managing others, take responsibilty for them. Why do I want to do this you may ask... .? well, it's  because I still love her! Unconditionally!

[babyducks]

Hi Aga Khan,

My next step will be to correct my own emotions, get out of this co-dependency, which I feel I have done to a certain extent, a little more to go!.

As you are new to this site, let me provide some details about how this (very large) site is organized.   There are four main boards.  You are posting on Staying which is all about Improving an existing relationship by managing day to day conflict, it's solutions-oriented, tools taught (no run messages are allowed).

The other three boards are:

Saving: Crisis oriented, member centering, solutions-oriented (no run or undecided messages)

Undecided: Members that are conflicted or have given up, looking at options, expressing frustration, being heard

Leaving: Detaching/grieving, some intervention, relationship postmortem

I would like you to get the most out of your experience here, and find other senior member who can share their wealth of experience with you.

You mentioned working on co-dependency,  which is a common trait many of us share.   Why don't you take a look at this link which is from our Leaving Board.

Lessons for members who are out of a romantic relationship or divorcing

Many of us move between boards as our situations change but I find there is real value in establishing a 'home' board where you and your story are known and valued.   

Have you taken a look at the Leaving board?

'ducks